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Nestl� USA, Inc.
Dear Nesquik (n�e Nestl� Quik),
I've been drinking your chocolatey-flavored milk since before I was even born. Of all liquids on the planet, your chocolatey-flavored milk is my favorite, surpassing even soapy water, turpentine, or Colt 45. I've won numerous Nestl� Quik-chugging contests -- both for quantity and for speed. Yes, I'm a Nestl� Quik force to be reckoned with!
What gives, Nestl� Quik? Why are you now calling yourself "Nesquik"? Are you hiding from something? Are you ashamed of what you are? What happened to good old-fashioned Nestl� Quik that I've known and loved all my life? And what's up with your Quik bunny? He used to where a collar 'round his skinny little neck with a big Q-shaped bling-bling pendant. (The "Q" stood for "Quik." Duh.) Now, he wears a big ol' "N" 'round his neck. (The "N" stands for "Nestl� has no pride in its decades of customer loyalty, and caves in to the quaint, capricious whims of a myopic marketing department.")
I don't hold a grudge against your chocolatey-flavored beverage; that stuff tastes as good as ever and probably wasn't even given a vote in the name-changing meeting. But you, Nestl� executives, have made a terrible choice. Not only are you alienating legions of devoted Nestl� Quik fanatics, you've also royally screwed up my life. What am I supposed to do about my Nestl� Quik bunny tattoo? The one with the big ol' "Q"? I'm embarrassed to go out in public now, sporting a logo that's hopelessly obsolete. It's a really great tattoo, too; when I flex, that Quik bunny dances the rumba! Ha, ha. Seriously, though it rocks. Or, I should say, it did rock, until you went and obsoleted my very flesh. God damn, how could you do that to me, Nestl�? I can't afford costly (and painful!) tattoo-removal laser-beam surgery, and frankly, I shouldn't have to.
And to think, I almost went with the Yoo-Hoo tattoo. Yoo-Hoo wouldn't go changing on me. Yoo-Hoo wouldn't suddenly wake up one morning and decide to call itself "Yo-Ho" or "Yee-Ha" or "Nesyoohoo." You know why? Because those names are dumb. Just like Nesquik.
This whole situation is just like when my ex-fianc�e, Ramona, decided to join the Bangles and changed her name to "Susanna Hoffs." How many out-of-date tattoos can one man have on his body? I swear, it's like some cosmic joke on me.
Nesincerely,
Josh Abraham
P.S. If you Nestl� dingbats go changing Nestl� Crunch to Nescrunch, I swear I'll go apeshit.
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