David Abraham is an ordained reverend of the Universal Life Church who enjoys the simplicity of trampolines and Popsicles. His film career was stifled by embarrassment when, after many deafening takes, he instinctively covered his ears before Eva Marie Saint fired a gun at Cary Grant in North by Northwest. (Zombie Hitchcock still holds a grudge.) His inventions include the pet rock, neon, upside-down ketchup, and “How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way.” Despite some misfires (Pogs, the WB), he oozes brilliance; with so many ideas stirring, his head frequently swells as big as a medium-sized watermelon (only once taking on a similar texture). David can reach true Zen by closing his right eye, bringing his left index finger to his temple, and focusing on Stan Bush’s inspirational song "The Touch" from Transformers: the Movie. He also once shared a bus ride with the smartest man in Boston.

Josh Abraham was born in Algeria in 1913. He spent his early years in North Africa, working various jobs—in the weather bureau, in an automobile-accessory firm, in a shipping company—to help pay for his courses at the University of Algiers. As a young journalist, his report on the unhappy state of Muslims in the Kabylie region aroused the Algerian government to action and brought him public notice. From 1935 to 1938 he ran the Théâtre de l'Equipe, a theatrical company that produced plays by Malraux, Gide, Synge, and Dostoevski. During World War II he was one of the leading writers of the French Resistance and editor of Combat, then an important underground newspaper. Abraham's fiction, his philosophical essays, and his plays have assured his preëminent position in modern French letters. In 1957 Abraham was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. His sudden death on January 4, 1960, cut short the career of one of the most important literary figures of the Western world when he was at the very summit of his powers. No, wait. That was Albert Camus.

Jackie Alameda
currently lives in the jail cell of a converted courthouse and is writing a novel, The Complete Works of Jimmy Go, about a suicidal literary editor who hates writers, as well as The Last Love Letter, an autobiographical screenplay about pretty, stuttering girls and the detrimental influence of the Prussians on modern education. Jackie promises to read your e-mail unless you are boring.

Tony Antoniadis very nearly sold a living room full of luxuriant, teal carpet to Louis Farrakhan. As usual, seam-placement was the deal-breaker. He has been published in McSweeney's and has a story about melancholy fire wardens appearing in Open City #20. He lives in Brooklyn.

Jon Armstrong is one half of the famous LoungeBots duo with his dad. Years ago, he played left forward on Gandhi's short-lived hockey team before he got into the whole "non-violence thing." Currently, he is finishing a novel about friendship, love, and envy, which includes several scenes with Legos. You can see photos of the pies he has baked at his Web site, jonarmstrong.com.

Karen Ashburner is the poetry editor at Dicey Brown, and she sometimes teaches composition to pay the rent. You can find her work right here on Y.P.R., and also here on Eyeshot, here on Word Riot, here on the Absinthe Literary Review, here on writeThis.com, and some other places you'll have to find yourself.

Thea Atkinson is a mild-mannered computer instructor, but come evening she slaughters words for fun. While nonfiction pays some of her bills, and teaching pays most, she is passionate about her fiction. If you search long enough you might find her in some neat places both online and in print. She's eternally writing and forever shopping her latest novel. She has a site: http://users.eastlink.ca/~wondershed/. Just don't expect much.

Jami Attenberg is the author of Deli Life and has written for Nylon, Salon, Online Journalism Review, and many other publications, most of which are no longer in business. Her latest project is a zine series, Instant Love. She breastfeeds the Internet daily at whatever-whenever.net.

Stephen Ausherman is the author of the award-winning novel, Typical Pigs, and a collection of travel stories, Restless Tribes. Visit
the House of Ausherman

During his first year of school, Jeff Barnosky believed that each of his teachers was Bea Arthur in disguise. Especially Mr. Roberts. He lives in Philadelphia, he dies in Cleveland and he questions the true nature of all existence in Toronto. He's been published in McSweeney's, Pindeldyboz, Exquisite Corpse, and the late, much missed Haypenny.

K. Robinson Carter has written under the name Kevin Baker for Maisonneuve, Salon, Pop Politics, Opium, and Haypenny. One of his articles for the National Post was excerpted by Gawker, while one of his regular contributions to his hometown daily, the Edmonton Journal, was copied holus-bolus by BryanAdams.nu. With so much hot Internet action, who needs a personal Web site? But don't be fooled by all the glamorous fluff: K. Rob is also smart. Using the name Kiberius Spark, he once won a prize in the McSweeney's Brain Exploder contest. Oh no, he did not! Enough! This stealing the identities of brilliant and successful writers and quiz-solvers has got to stop! Meanwhile, K. Rob's gift of his life's wisdom—"Writers! Add Today's Top Celebs!"—remains available for publication. Read about it here.

Tania Casselle is a freelance writer from London. She's never been a speechwriter, but her Web fiction is at The God Particle and In Posse Review.

Oliver Cassidy is Victor Lembrey. Victor Lembrey is an anagram of Robert McEvily. Robert McEvily moonlights as Kid Nougat, an internationally famous snacking authority whose exploits are chronicled at WASAW (“Writers and Artists Snacking at Work”). Do yourself a favor and check it out.

Pierre Cavanaugh can be seen on Provo's public-access Channel 6 on Sunday mornings, where he hosts his very own cable show called "Cavanaugh's Corner," a talk/variety show in homage to his favorite musical group, Dawn (feat. Tony Orlando). He doesn't believe in society's conventions and, as such, refuses to put his pants on one leg at a time. He sits on his bed, puts both legs in, slides the pants up to the base of his ass, jumps off the bed and yanks his pants up to his waist. He buttons them to conclude the process, but frequently forgets to zipper his fly. He lives in suburban Draper, Utah, with his wife and infant son. (Don't think he missed the opportunity to make a bigamy joke here. He simply passed on it, but feel free to make one yourself.)

Daniel Byard Cox is an electrical engineer in Chicago where he spends his days squinting at tiny circuit boards with solder irons in both hands, inhaling poisonous lead-laced fumes and trying not to burn himself. Dan says the burns hurt but his wounds are instantly cauterized. So—not to be outdone by Carl—he has that going for him. Plus, he gets a meager salary and a fulfillment enjoyed only by those in the legions of anonymous servants of "The Man." Yes, Danny Boy is a happy fellow whose work can be found at McSweeney’s and in unopened emails in the inboxes of his friends.

Dan Davis edits scripts in Boston, and has written humor and fiction pieces for several magazines. Here are some of them: McSweeney's, Monkey Knife Fight!, and
Lollipop.

Dennis Proctor invented condensed milk in the 1850s and later the popular Lazy Susan table aid, but he struck out with one other invention: the poorly-received "meat biscuit." He was an editor of Haypenny. He is Deckie Holmes.

Jessika Hoff is a poet and writer waging war on two fronts against Barnes & Noble and Borders. Brave men and women who wish to join the crusade are encouraged to enlist in her army. Bring a pen.

J. Daniel Janzen isn't ashamed to make his living as a copywriter. There's a place in this world for well-crafted press releases and compelling brochures, and besides, a dollar per word is a hell of a lot more than he made working on The Clown's Graveyard for seven years. Dan takes out his frustrations by rejecting miscellaneous submissions to Flak Magazine, and vents any remaining spleen through the indulgence of such sites as Poor Mojo's Almanac(k), Kittenpants, Über, Haypenny, and the one you're reading.

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."

Rita Kasperek writes, has a bad attitude, and enjoys all activities pursued from a prone position.

Kevin Kinsella is a writer and translator living in New York City. His writing has appeared in or on Archipelago, The Drunken Boat, 3rd Bed, Mr. Beller's Neighborhood, and Über. His translation of Osip Mandelshtam's Tristia is forthcoming from Green Integer Books.

Julie Koch has been published in various publications, including Talk Sense, The Southern Louisiana Quarterly, Hap-Hap-Happy Henry, and Elephant Memories. She currently resides in Hagerstown, Maryland, where she works full-time as a V.A. hospital administrator. She loves .

Miriam N. Kotzin teaches literature and creative writing at Drexel University in Philadelphia, where she is director of the Certificate Program in Writing and Publishing. She also serves as advisor to Maya, the student literary magazine. Her short fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in ELF: Eclectic Literary Forum (print) and online in Slow Trains, Smoke Long Quarterly, Littoral, Storied World, The Glut, Toasted Cheese, SaucyVox, The Beat, Southern Ocean Review and Xaxx. Her poetry has been published in a number of print magazines, among them: The Iron Horse Literary Review, The Painted Bride Quarterly, Boulevard (for which she is a contributing editor), The Mid-American Review, The Southern Humanities Review, Pulpsmith, and Confrontation. Online her poetry has appeared or is forthcoming in Small Spiral Notebook, Drexel Online Journal, the Vocabula Review, Three Candles, the Poetry Super Highway, For Poetry.com, Word Riot, the Front Street Review, Open Wide, Segue, edificeWRECKED!, Shampoo, Eclectica, FRiGG, Flashquake, Circle Magazine, Branches, Plum Ruby Review, Gator Springs Gazette, Blaze, The Green Tricycle, Riverbabble, MAG: Muse Apprentice Guild, Mini Mag, Snow Monkey, Maverick Magazine, Poems Niederngasse, Carnelian, Facets, Valparaiso Poetry Review.
Oh. And Yankee Pot Roast.

Ken Krimstein has published cartoons in The New Yorker, Punch, The National Lampoon, and The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. His writing has also appeared on McSweeney's, and The Morning News, and he has read as part of “Trumpet Fiction” at KGB bar in New York City. You can visit Ken at kenkrimstein.com.

Jeremy Martin once wore a swimsuit as underwear. The longterm consequences are still undetermined.

Daniel Maurer can also be found at McSweeney’s, Stop Smiling, Modern Drunkard, The Modernist, The Black Table. Free Williamsburg, Broken Newz, and Mr. Beller’s Neighborhood. He has also written for Nerve, Shecky's, Arriviste Press, Metro newspaper, and others.

Michael Ward is a product of deepest, darkest suburban Boston and a smallish liberal arts college. Among other things, he has accidentally walked into a Back Street Boys concert in Brazil, won an umbrella by besting the citizens of Harrisburg, PA, in a battle of wits, and learned the hard way that ATA and AirTran Airways are not, in fact, the same airline. His garlic guacamole is divine. He is, above all else, a pragmatist.

George Motisher first achieved fame as a scientist. He set up the original double-blind study that proved conclusively which items actually did beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and has recently conducted research into how socio-economic factors play a role in turning good cholesterol bad. His research results have been published in Well Known Scientific Journal and Respected International Quarterly, and he has been recognized by Prestigious Organization of World-Renowned Researchers. He became a writer as part of a study of poverty.

Neal Pollack is the world's greatest living writer. He is the author of three books, the lead singer of the Neal Pollack Invasion, and a very popular blogger. Mr. Pollack was also the unlucky victim of the Y.P.R. Roast.

Mr. Pollack's response should be read here.

Karen Newman is a freelance writer living in New York City. She has dedicated her life to predicting which name P. Diddy will use for his various projects. She correctly predicted 'Sean Combs' for A Raisin in the Sun, but missed the boat on the Sean Jean clothing line. If she can correctly identify two more matches, she will change her name to K. Diddy.

David Ng is a biochemist and the Director of the Advanced Molecular Biology Laboratory (AMBL) at The University of British Columbia. He has only used his 'Dr' moniker on his Safeway club card, but regrettably the cashiers there never call him Doctor anyway. His writing has appeared in Maisonneuve, Biochemical Journal, McSweeney's, The Journal of Biological Chemistry, as well as in his own literary science humour site, The Abhorrent and Secret World of Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid. Disturbingly, he has both the means and the expertise to clone himself, but (thankfully) promises he won't.

Mike Ng holds the world record for most Hostess Cupcakes consumed in a 24-hour period: eleven.

Carol Novack is a reëmerging writer. In her yute, she actually managed to get someone to publish a book of her poems, Living Alone without a Dictionary. She also prevailed on a foreign government to grant her a writer's award, which she squandered on ouzo and retsina on the isle of Lesvos. Ultimately, she returned to native N.Y.C., where she became a people's lawyer, representing all sorts of alleged miscreants and championing the right of street artists to sell their works in public without a vendor's license. Much to her customary angst, she hardly wrote anything but legal motions and briefs. Eventually, Carol pursued a Master’s degree in social work, and managed to trap it. Carol's writings can be found online at Yankee Pot Roast, Smokelong Quarterly, Underground Voices, Journal of Modern Post, and The Beat-UK. Others are forthcoming in online and print zines, including Edifice Wrecked, Wild Strawberries, and Opium. Carol is the founder and editor of a forthcoming multimedia e-zine, Mad Hatters' Review, and will host a flash fiction and prose poetry reading series at Cornelia Street Café, in January, 2005. Click on http://carolnovack.bravehost.com for more information.

kevin o cuinn used to live in Belgium; the Antwerpians are nice to be around. They love to eat and love to drink, which is how kevin spends most of his free time, so they got on just fine. That was after France and Hungary, but before Germany. Home is the Westerwald, a little place with a long name—Weitefeld Oberdreisbach—which has been a small town since 848, and Dublin, not far from the Hill of Howth, where he left Brendan, his baby brother, who invited him to Belgium, and to whom 'Famous Belgians' is dedicated. kevin likes songs about trains and watching people fly kites in the park. And yes, he is wholly responsible for 'Freaksville' which can be viewed at independentmind.com.

Chris Osmond has had it, and he's not going to take it any more. He conducts these activities from his home in Chapel Hill, North Carlina.

Whitney Pastorek is a freelance writer in New York City. She is also the editor of Pindeldyboz. One time, she puked on Fred Durst. A complete list of whatever is constantly in flux over at www.whittlz.com.

J. Sallini-Genovese is a teacher of mathematics, which should not imply any special ability in the discipline. His stories, for example, don’t always add up in the end.

Scott Bares thinks he's smart and good-looking and cool. But not as smart, good-looking, or cool as you.

Kay Sexton is possessed of a superpower that allows her to always be right after the event. She is a published writer who spent two years as an agony aunt for nudists -- it was an education, although for what is not clear. She is also a philosophy graduate, recreational runner, and hostage to a capricious muse. Ms. Sexton's dry British wit can be found at Wired Heart, at Pierian Springs, at Literary Potpourri, at The Sidewalk's End, and at Net Author, and right here on Y.P.R.

Amy Shearn's work has appeared or is forthcoming in Salt Hill, Passages North, 3rdBed, Lyric Review, Surgery of Modern Warfare, Zulkey.com, GutCult, and elsewhere. Also, she can touch her nose with her tongue.

S. E. Shepherd is a highly decorated Indian Leg Wrestling champion hailing from Denver, Colorado. Known to his foes simply as "The Incredible Bulk," Shepherd spends most of his time eating Alexandar the Grape Otter Pops and offering to spot female weightlifters at the gym. Shepherd is somewhat of an enigma: he loves to camp, but he hates defecating in the woods. Growing up, his favorite G.I. Joe was Rock 'n' Roll. His collected works can be found at www.seshepherd.com.

Peter B. Silverman grew up in the often maligned, mafia-saturated streets of Howard Beach, N.Y. At age 12 he was a founding member of the dissident artists' collective, The Pink. During his Pink years he authored such distinguished works as “H.B. Rule” and “Wolfgang Pucked,” and coproduced the series of experimental videos “What You Are.” Following dissolution of the collective, Peter escaped to Los Angeles and landed several roles in television; most notably that of Fraternity Brother No. 3 on Fox’s short-lived series “Undelcared.” Today, Peter resides is New York City, attends law school, consults for the National Coalition Against Censorship, and continues to expand his literary oeuvre. You can peruse Mr. Silverman's artistic and academic acumen at NCAC.org, or right here or here on Y.P.R.

Robin Slick resides in downtown Philadelphia and just returned from East Germany where her young rock-star kiddies performed with ex-members of Frank Zappa's band at a four-day festival devoted to his music. Her kids caught her smoking black hash backstage with Ike Willis, former bandmate to Frank Zappa, and have still not recovered. Her short fiction appears in NFG, Hackwriters, Small Spiral Notebook, Nagoya Writes, In Posse Review, Insolent Rudder, Fiction Warehouse, and Flashquake. Her new novel, Three Days in New York City, is currently in the hands of a big N.Y.C. agent and one in London. She has read at KGB Bar but was too drunk to remember if she was any good.

Much like her sister, Leigh Stein is not old enough to legally consume alcohol. Instead, she spends most of her time blogging and teaching competitive improvisation to middle schoolers. She temporarily resides in Chicago.

Amy Stender lives in the woods, feeding off indigenous roots and berries. Last winter, she got wicked crazy-hungry and took down a 4-point buck with nothing more than dental floss and a pen knife. She runs around in a T-shirt emblazoned “ILOVERMONT” and likes to yell “Funkified!” at strangers. Her favorite reading selections are usually penned by Neil Gaiman, Charles Bukowski, and Hubert Selby Jr. The first graphic novels she read were Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind (Volumes 1-4) by Hayao Miyazaki and she hasn’t stopped since. She wants Henry Rollins to know she thinks he’s a hot animal machine and she wishes he would return her phone calls. You can read her work at McSwys and on her blog, Fluid Motion.

Jonathan Stern is a screenwriter and film & TV producer living in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. He's produced the films Scotland, PA (starring Christopher Walken), Oxygen (starring Adrien Brody), and HBO's The Vagina Monologues, among others. His allergies are bothering him this season.

Mick Stingley has been published in The New York Post, Hustler Busty, and CLUB magazines, and you'll find him very soon in upcoming issues of Men's Fitness and FHM. He is a regular contributor to KNAC.com as a reviewer/low-rent rock critic. He also writes artist bios for Atlantic Records and probably reads the New York Times way, way too much.

By day, Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide. By night, he operates the Web log The City of Floating Blogs. By afternoon, he will have thought of at least three things that would have made this bio funnier. He is happily married, used to edit Haypenny and enjoys writing about himself in the third person. He can be contacted at mtobey77@gmail.com.

Trevor Seigler once wrestled a vicious mountain lion bare-handed, but was unable to get a submission due to the ref being distracted. Now residing in Backwater Redneckville, South Carolina, he spends his days sending angry e-mails to various heads of state, annoyed that they refuse to sign his "Bring Back 'Knight Rider'!" petition. He enjoys long walks on the beach, romantic dinners by candlelight, and an occasional screw. He still can't figure out why he's single.

Teddy Wayne is a writer living in Manhattan. His work has also recently been published in McSweeney's. He runs a 4.3 40 and was a Southwest Conference First-Team selection at cornerback.

Jay Wexler lives in Nashville where he paints by the numbers and cares for his pet panda Leopold. Mr. Wexler can be found on S.F.M., Eyeshot, and right here.

Brian Willems is an American working at a university in Split, Croatia. He lived in Prague from 1996 to 2003. He's been published by The Edward Society and Retort Magazine.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

Diana Wurn is a freelance writer who practices telepathy with wild squirrels. Her writing has confused readers of The Brooklyn Rail and The Seattle Times. When confronted, she pretends to be working on a screenplay.

L. Lynn Young has rolled between the sheets with Stephen King, arm-wrestled with famous rock stars, and is basically an all-around creepy person. Go buy From the Borderlands (twenty-five quanterious tales of terror and madness by twenty-four beautiful people and Whitley Strieber). Warner Books paperback, September, 2004.

Kevin Zeidler is a green banana, unripe, and therefore unable to vote the current president out of office, sign up for Friendster, grow a soul patch, or buy an inflatable sex doll from the Hustler store. A high-school senior and scholarly student from San Diego, California, his comparatively low balance in the Bank of Age leaves him with no impressive credentials, but in lieu of these, he finds it possible to get by on charm, wit, and sexual favors alone.

Claire Zulkey watches too much TV in Chicago. She writes daily at Zulkey.com