Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2009 03:44 PM

Recession-Era Adult Films

Deep Pockets

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2009 03:35 PM

Online Reviews of Really Confusing's, Neighborhood Bar and Grill

"The shrimp quesadillas were incomprehensible."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2009 03:23 PM

Captain Ahab's Long-Lost Twitter Log

dreamt the beast again. I, in the water. From the inky deep he came, his open maw the very gate of Hell. Woke to kippers for breakfast. Yum.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2009 03:16 PM

Prom Dates from Hell

Formal Wear and Pitchforks

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2009 03:09 PM

Memorial Day Mania Redux

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2009 12:09 PM

Pomp & Circumstance

Congratulating the 2009 graduates. Good luck with that whole employment thing!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 18, 2009 12:31 PM

A Note to Our Dear Readers

As you may have noticed, 2009 has found your humble journal moving at a snail's pace ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 15, 2009 04:35 PM

Angels & Demons & Da Vinci Codes

Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s most cryptic and sacrilegious conspiracies.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 15, 2009 09:49 AM

Smothers Day

Republishing Some Mother's Day Material for Dear Old Mom

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 8, 2009 10:33 AM

Beatrice "Bea" Arthur, R.I.P.

May 13, 1922 – April 25, 2009

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 26, 2009 02:55 PM

Paunchy, Balding Mutant Ninja Turtles

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, thereby making them ... middle-aged? (And, yes, you're old, too.)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 23, 2009 11:55 AM

IV/XX

"Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine’s Special Issues" & "Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future …"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2009 10:00 AM

Passover/under

What you can buy for two zuzzim.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 8, 2009 09:14 AM

Opening Day 2009

Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s favorite pastime.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 6, 2009 01:27 PM

Diablo Cody Tells a Joke

First of all, I am so not worthy of this. I mean, now that I'm all problemed-out Hollywood-style, it's queer (not gay) for me to hang out and just talk or whatevs. Wait--hold on--I'm going to Tweety-Tweet like Sylvester is raging!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 23, 2009 10:49 AM

Lá Fhéile Pádraig (St. Paddy's Day)

St. Pat's Facts and a Salute to Things Irish

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2009 10:22 AM

There Will Be Bats: P. T. Anderson Writes the Dark Knight Sequel

The long-awaited "I drink your milkshake" / "Why so serious?" mashup.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 12, 2009 02:44 PM

A Rant on the Blizzard

Brrr, how ’bout that snow out there, eh, babe? That’s a lot of fuckin’ snow, Cochise.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2009 10:18 AM

How I Unwind

Today is gone but soon tomorrow will come and turn into today. Then today, formerly know as tomorrow, will become yesterday. Which reminds me of a song by Paul McCartney titled "Monkberry Moon Delight" from the album Ram.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2009 05:15 PM

Tonight's Tasting Menu

The flavor of the biscuit, infused with fennel and East European herbs, will be striking, perhaps even shocking, and may remind you of a moment of betrayal in your life. Additionally, it will cleanse your mouth.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2009 04:20 PM

Other Things That Are Killing Me Softly

The slow, insidious destruction of the middle class.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2009 04:09 PM

Alternatives to "Finish Him!" in Mortal Kombat

"Curtains!"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2009 04:07 PM

The Wartime Adventures of Benedetto "Little" Parisi

It was 1943, and the tide was finally starting to turn. A small American vessel glided stealthily through the waters off the coast of the small Italian town of Passo Oscuro, seeking out a remote spot to make landfall ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2009 03:59 PM

Your Subscription to Netflix Has Been Canceled

Your dry cleaning has been incinerated, the remaining value of your gift cards has been electronically deleted, your electricity will be shut off in three days, all your jokes will fall flat, and you will forget how to whistle.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2009 03:47 PM

Treatment for Plow Man: The Genesis

Prequel to 1976 film The Plow Man. This film will shed light on the origins of Plow Man and explore the events that took place before the Snow Day Massacre depicted in the original Plow Man movie.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2009 02:44 PM

Ode to My Nanny Career

Ms. Poppins she ain't.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2009 02:09 PM

Some Nature Haiku

The proud, burly tree / Rests on the now crashed TV / Thanks a lot, nature

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2009 01:59 PM

Unintended Consequences of Six Oft-Forgotten Tariffs

The Tariff of 1828 (a.k.a. "the Tariff of Abominations")

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2009 01:56 PM

Y.P.R.'s 2009 Academy Awards Thing

A Look Back at the Year in Film

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 21, 2009 02:29 PM

Curious Factoids Revealed by Presidential Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin Following An All-Night Presidents’ Day Pub Crawl

To soothe his jangled nerves before an important speech, Andrew Jackson would often toss a small Seminole child into the Potomac.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 12, 2009 07:32 PM

Scorching V.D.

Hot stuff, comin' through.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 10, 2009 11:05 AM

Test Page: Time Traveling Sidekick

Position Available: Associate Sidekick Time Commitment: Full-time, in both past and future timeframes. Work during the present will be 40 hours per week. Misuse of the Time Machine to pad timesheets will not be tolerated. Experience: 0–1 years. Previous experience...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 4, 2009 02:17 PM

25 Facts About Me

The first fact is something most people don't know. The second fact states the obvious, which should amuse you.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 2, 2009 10:18 AM

Super Bowl XLIII

In which we pretend to care who's playing.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2009 10:49 AM

My Wife--A Former Speechwriter in the Bush Administration--Reflects on the State of Our Union

Failure now will only embolden our therapists.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 21, 2009 10:43 AM

So Long, Mr. President: Bush Feet Under

The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 20, 2009 10:19 AM

Thank You, Mr. President, Pt. II

Republishing some more of Y.P.R.’s past tributes to our 43rd president and his awesome administration.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 19, 2009 02:48 PM

Thank You, Mr. President

Republishing (thankfully for the last relevant time) some of Y.P.R.'s past tributes to our 43rd president and his awesome administration.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 17, 2009 02:11 PM

Several Hotel Heiresses Less Glamorous Than Paris Hilton

From Rio Omni to Amarillo Hojo

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 14, 2009 10:39 AM

Ode to the Spork

Oh unsung hero of hot lunch

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 14, 2009 10:35 AM

So You Want to Hunt and Kill a Care Bear

Excerpts from Teddy Roosevelt's Practical Field Guide to Hunting and Killing Care Bears

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 13, 2009 09:49 PM

Tom Cruise Brought to You By …

I love talking about my movies. Love it! However, I'm also here today to talk about the major corporate sponsor of my movie, Spam.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 7, 2009 12:36 AM

Contents of the Oval Office Whiteboard during the Final Days of the Bush Presidency

"This Administration has gone 22 days without a major international incident."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 5, 2009 07:16 PM

If Jackson Pollock Wrote Poetry

The legendary painter and drunk applies his drip technique toward abstract expressionist poetry.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2009 01:56 AM

Now That Ridley Scott Is Attached to Adapt the Board Game Monopoly, Other Directors Follow Suit

Tim Burton's Candy Land starring Helen Bonham Carter as Queen Frostine and Johnny Depp as Lord Licorice.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2009 01:39 AM

The Many Permutations of Public-Radio Pledge Drives

What's the matter? You don't have time for WBCD anymore? I see the way you go traipsing around with that easy-listening station.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2009 01:32 AM

Other Ways to Skin a Cat

Tell the cat that skin is an unrealistic standard of beauty perpetuated by the media and Maybelline.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2009 01:16 AM

Job Opening for a Villainous Time-Traveling Sidekick

Applicant must be punctual, detail-oriented, and have a decent grasp of the diabolical.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2009 01:14 AM

Excerpt from Bakker Technologies' Raptors Will Be Raptors: A Guide to Your New Pet

Appendix A: The Problematic Raptor Q. & A.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2009 01:11 AM

Stuff Fictional Characters Would Leave at My Apartment if We Broke Up

The detritus of literary ex-boyfriends Dr. Jeckyll, Captain Ahab, and Humbert Humbert ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 31, 2008 01:15 PM

2008: The Year in Pot Roast

Our annual round-up of the past loop around the sun.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 28, 2008 10:17 PM

In 2009, Lucifer and Jehovah Wrestle for Control of Your Psyche

Lucifer and Jehovah engage in an eating competition. Brains are on the plate and your psyche is the prize.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 28, 2008 04:49 PM

Fun with Your New Head: The Sequel

Your new HEAD is thirty percent more sensitive to pain than your old HEAD, thanks to refinements for which you can take credit.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 27, 2008 05:10 PM

For Those Who Are Having Their Brains Dismantled

For those who are having their brains dismantled, an important document is a "Hold Harmless Agreement."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 25, 2008 06:06 PM

Playoff Scenarios

If the Eagles beat the Cowboys and the Buccaneers lose to the Raiders and the Bears lose to the Texans, or the Vikings lose to the Giants, then Philadelphia is in.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 25, 2008 03:15 PM

Rum Pum Pum Pum

Christmas tales by Dickens, Ellis, & Lenin!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 25, 2008 01:34 AM

Lolita's Grown-up Xmas: Producers' Notes

A forbidden attraction. An unthinkable love. A predictably damaged victim who's become the perpetrator, because that's how it always goes in these things.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 23, 2008 05:08 PM

Your Onion Web Video Writing Application

Delusion of Being Jesus Christ Falls to Second Place Behind the Delusion of Being Parker Posey

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 22, 2008 07:17 PM

Yahoo! Feels Your Pain

Yahoo! Answers (Nylon, Cotton, & Hemp Edition) crowdsources your holiday bingeing queries.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 22, 2008 07:11 PM

Light Matter: Science Is Funny (Until It Kills Us All--Again!)

A little hard work won't kill you.
Unless you have myasthenia gravis ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 22, 2008 11:11 AM

Lights, Dreidels, Action!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 21, 2008 01:21 PM

Aspects of Myself I am Not Going to Change in This Age of Excessive Plastic Surgery

My breasts: Because I have already had them enlarged. Six times.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 06:57 PM

What Jacob Lovelace Posted on jacoblovelacemoviefan.com After He Asked for a Copy of the Awesome Martial Arts Documentary Future Punch for His 14th Birthday and His Douche Dad Got Him Back to the Future Part III Instead

Trivia: Most people don't realize this movie actually sucks!!!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 06:49 PM

Scenes from the Training Montage if Rocky Wanted to Be a World-Class Writer

The Italian Stallion puts pen to paper.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 06:38 PM

Anne Frank: Observational Comic

Have you noticed how, recently, it’s like everyone hates Jews? What’s that about?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 06:36 PM

New Categories on Santa's List

Nice, but Voted for Bush Twice

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 05:58 PM

Now That Ridley Scott Is Attached to Adapt the Board Game Monopoly, Other Directors Follow Suit

Wes Anderson's Operation staring Bill Murray as Cavity Sam. Mel Gibson's Stratego starring Mel Gibson as the Blue Marshal and James Caviezel as the Red Spy. Michael Bay's Battleship starring Bruce Willis and Sean Connery as the missile commanders....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 04:04 PM

Harold & Kumar Have Xmas Dinner at Naval Station Guantánamo Bay

Harold planned to spend Xmas day watching Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 02:58 PM

Boorish Pickup Lines Inspired by the Recession

Baby, you should take a walk on Wall Street to boost the Dow, 'cause you're sure putting a spike in my pants.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2008 02:39 PM

Conversations with the Brave Voice in My Head

Hey, man, this guy is totally disrespecting your girlfriend. You should say something.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 19, 2008 01:05 AM

Failed Sprite Advertisements

Drink Sprite! Or don't.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 19, 2008 12:18 AM

Your President-Elect

Left, exotic, elitist President-Elect Barry Obama, in a straw fedora w/ cigarette, circa 1980, courtesy The New York Post. Right, the exotic, elitist mascot for Bambú rolling papers, since 1764.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 18, 2008 08:55 AM

Clinical Internet Porn Site Review

Overall, these video clips are well made, the subjects attractive and in apparent good health, and the overall experience positive. That is not to say, however, that this footage is without fault.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 17, 2008 11:32 PM

Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton Share a Rather Contentious Carriage Ride During a Sudden Downpour, 1791

Founding Father Fight!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 17, 2008 11:28 PM

Today Is My Last Day

As many of you know, today is my last day as a paralegal at the firm. I have learned so much from all of you over the past ten years. It is very unlikely that the homicide of which I was convicted was committed by me.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 17, 2008 11:27 PM

Glib Answers from Creedence Clearwater Revival

Why? Why? Why?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2008 11:51 PM

God Came Down from Heaven and Stopped the Bullets

Unriddled by lead, we will ponder the enigma of miracles and the majesty of God changing Coke into Pepsi!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2008 03:37 PM

Whopper Sluts

Miracle! Nicolae, elder of village, bring to visitors Rumanian traditional delicacy of olives with language of cow as the gesture of peace to the strangers.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2008 02:54 PM

Correspondence

Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Y.P.R. welcomes reader mail. Please address thoughts, responses, criticism, and love notes to ypr - @ - yankeepotroast.org. Letters published may be edited for clarity, civility, and accuracy....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2008 06:42 PM

Columns

...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2008 03:30 PM

What the Hey?

For the duration of Aught Eight, the Y.P.R. machine will be steered by the very capable (?) hands of Mr. Jimmy Chen and Mr. Fortunato Salazar

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2008 12:41 PM

Glamour Magazine's Sex, Love & Life Columnists Interpret Your Husband's Testicular Configuration

Configuration: Both descended. What he's trying to say: You are a warm and calm presence in my life.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2008 08:31 PM

One-line Listicles

What Lou Bega Orders at McDonald's: Combo No. 5

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 11, 2008 04:18 PM

The "Can't Concentrate" Manatee

The "Can't Concentrate" Manatee's article on Kafka for Bookforum was due in eight hours. She stared at her computer thinking about pasta.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 10, 2008 03:20 PM

Synecdoche¹, New York

I went to Schenectady, New York, once. This may not be true. I did not lose my virginity in Schenectady. My father was there, in Schenectady. He was not "there" at the moment I lost my virginity, but I did use the condom he gave me when I went away for college.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 10, 2008 12:07 PM

The <Meta>morphosis

Frank Kaufman awoke one morning after a night of uneasy dreams to discover he had 513 comments on his latest blog.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 9, 2008 12:08 PM

Jeez, the Holidays Seem to Come Earlier Every Year ...

Y.P.R. calls it a night on 2008. (See ya in ’09 ...!)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 5, 2008 10:37 AM

Happy Xmas (War Is Over Ongoing)

The ghosts of Y.P.R. Christmases past.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 30, 2008 07:02 PM

Encouraging Modern Trends: At Long Last Edition

The At-Long-Last Triumph of Katie Couric as a Network Anchor . . . The Maybe Coincidental, Maybe Not, But Still At-Long-Last Emergence of Female Journalists in Prominent Places and in Mushroom-like Quantities . . . The At-Long-Last Payoff of Youth in Politics

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 25, 2008 12:38 PM

Happy Birthday, Bruce Hornsby!

I know how to play "Mandolin Rain" pretty well, buddy.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2008 01:27 AM

Chinese Demockery! The Norman Rockwell–Axl Rose Correspondence

Use Your Illustration Parts I & II

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 21, 2008 12:46 AM

Happy Bjïrthday, Björk!

Dear Björk, Happy Björkday! I’m an inventor of new things to eat and I've concocted a tasty TV dinner inspired by you. I call it Björk ’n' Beans. It's made of 100% natural beef fat (plus two scoops of beans!)...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 21, 2008 12:12 AM

Big-Name Writer's Writing Seminar

I've called you all here today to because I miss Bradley Whitford and I need some hacks to write scripts for a new politically oriented sitcom where all the pretty actors endlessly bicker with each other and make inane social commentary on world affairs.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 8, 2008 11:33 PM

Signed, Sealed, Delivered He's Ours!

Yes we can.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2008 10:37 PM

Election Roundup!

Our favorite TV show is, at long last, coming to an end ... Goodbye, Zogby. Goodbye, Rasmussen. Goodbye, lipstick. Goodbye, pigs/pit bulls. Goodbye, Joe the Plumber. Goodbye, crazy lady with a "B" on her face. Goodbye, Bristol, Levi, Twig, et al.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 2, 2008 05:47 PM

Zack & Miri & Kevin & the M.P.A.A.

Potty-mouthed auteur Kevin Smith's new film opens this weekend in liberal theaters across the nation. Fortunato Salazar recounts the film's epic battle with the prudish M.P.A.A. here: "Zack and Miri Make a Pruno."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 2, 2008 04:25 PM

Y.P.R. Archives

...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2008 05:57 PM

November 2008 Election Guide

Y.P.R.'s handy-dandy ballot picker, so you don't blow it on the big day.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 30, 2008 04:36 PM

The Coach of the Washington Generals Addresses His Team Before a Game

We simply don't get enough timeouts to take one every time they stick a ball up the back of one of our jerseys.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 29, 2008 02:16 PM

What Not to Give Trick-or-Treaters on Hallowe'en Night

Crap in a pumpkin-shaped bucket. Boo.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 28, 2008 02:21 PM

Brilliant Numbers and a Few Sequences

Brilliant numbers, coined by Peter Wallrodt, are defined as positive integers with exactly two prime factors of the same digital length (in decimal notation). For example, 123467 = 311 * 397. You may want to give a short lecture on them at your next barbecue or family reunion.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 27, 2008 09:31 PM

Naked Lesbian Stalker

You are a female and you’re completely naked. You just broke up with your girlfriend (Sheila) of over seven years not more than an hour ago and you are feeling angry, hurt, and out-of-control. The house you have entered is a major celebrity’s home, a woman you’ve worshiped for many years.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 27, 2008 09:28 PM

That Time When Time Was Different Than Normal

When a team of distinguished scientists approached me about time traveling to the year 1682, I was like, "I need to know what I'll be getting paid first." Then they said that there would be a small remuneration, and I thought that remuneration meant fortune, so I was like, "Sign me up!"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 27, 2008 11:42 AM

The Steps to a Successful Interview

Lithium acts as a stabilizer to hide your psychotic episodes. Taking this before your interview will leave the interviewer with a stronger sense that you might actually live in the same reality as they do.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 11:08 PM

Eleven Improbable but Nonetheless Real Baked Goods

Listed in Descending Order of the Amount of Puerile Imagination Required to Make them Ripe with Sexual or Scatological Innuendo.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 10:31 PM

Submissions, in Their Entirety, to Zeptofiction: The Journal of Excruciatingly Short Fiction

Very short stories from Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Stephen King, Jackie Collins, and Terry Pratchett.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 08:24 PM

My Rejected Submission to Cosmo's Halloween Issue, Entitled "How to Lose a Guy in One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes for Those Wanting Out"

The leaves are changing in color, the air is turning crisp and chilly, and you're finding that Jeff from Accounting has a newfound interest in you ever since you got side bangs and stopped eating croissants. All this can only mean one thing: it's time to kick your deadbeat boyfriend to the foliage-covered curb.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 05:57 PM

Top Five Animal Pop Star Names

Rock Groups Featuring Animals but Not Eric Burdon.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 04:15 PM

Ill-Conceived Musical Double Billings

or, Ways in Which a Booking Agent Could Get Fired

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 04:13 PM

Bunny Triptych

A photo essay taken in Asbury Park, N.J.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2008 03:39 PM

Infinite Playlist

Some musical listicles, so that you may rock on with your bad self.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2008 06:17 PM

Banded with Great Fanfare

I am Michael Madsen. You may know me as the Michael Madsen who writes books of poetry.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2008 06:12 PM

Review of the Hit TV Show The Wire by Someone Who Has Not Seen It

From what I've heard, this is one of the best television dramas out there and I definitely know that it takes place in Baltimore.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2008 06:01 PM

Light Matter: Science Is Funny (Until It Kills Us All)

Poetry in motion.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2008 05:51 PM

Proposed Warning Label for Christian Rock Albums

Parental Advisory: Contains Uplifting Lyrics.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2008 05:29 PM

"Yes on Proposition 8" Gets the Message Out

Some commercial scripts that provoke a response.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2008 04:35 PM

Test Page: Madsen

I  am Michael Madsen, and I band garages. You may know me as the Michael Madsen who writes books of poetry and I am that Michael Madsen too. I am the author of Burning in Paradise (1998), which I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2008 03:07 PM

Setlist: Mime Hero

The hot new game from Activision.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2008 02:21 PM

Vroom! Vroom!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2008 11:25 AM

Vroom! Vroom!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2008 11:16 AM

Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father

What’s a gamer dad to do when his wife is out leafleting in front of a biochemical plant (again) and he’s left alone with his young child? Thankfully, he has these cogent tips to follow.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 23, 2008 06:34 PM

"Weird Al" Phones It In

The hacky parodist grows even hackier.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 23, 2008 04:41 PM

Book Treatment to Publishers A.S.A.P.!

I'm thinking of writing a book of party tips for throwing a great party. But then I said to myself, there are plenty of party-tips books out there. But what there aren't is, are any party tips books geared toward black people so here goes! (Note to publisher: KEEP READING!)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 23, 2008 04:33 PM

8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Who Is Estranged from Me

1. Don't hit her. Take it from me, that makes her super estrangey.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 23, 2008 02:01 PM

Magazine Inspiration, Written in Magazine Inspiration Form

Read a magazine. Do it. Read one magazine. Cover to cover. Throw it away.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 22, 2008 11:36 PM

Cheeky-Toned Sentences Dictated (?) by Stephen Hawking, as Evidenced by the Placement of Exclamation Points in A Brief History of Time

The physicist has been known to lose his cool regarding quarks.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 22, 2008 10:54 PM

Design Gallery

Neither Raw nor Delirious: Big. Red. Title. Coming Soon from Pixar: Chen·E Too Soon? Seann William Scott IS Heath Ledger in On the Ledge: The Legend of Heath Ledger...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 19, 2008 11:26 PM

Test Page: Serfitt & Cloye

The supra-extraordinary gift items below are excerpted from The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog: Just Enough of Too Much. For those downtrodden demographics unfamiliar with this renowned über-upper-class LuxuRetailer®, a bit of background: For 100 years now, Serfitt & Cloye's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 18, 2008 10:51 AM

Tom Friedman Explains a Bar Fight

In the post 9/11-world, there are what I call Plants and Animals. I was thinking about this as I ordered a drink from the bar.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 17, 2008 02:53 PM

Top Five List of List-Related Lists

Meta overload for list-makers, list-lovers, and the list of list-lovers who love them.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 17, 2008 12:54 PM

The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog

The supra-extraordinary gift items from The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog. Where opulence lives in luxury.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 17, 2008 12:48 AM

Midnight Train to Georgia

My friends, your humble coeditor, Mr. Nick Jezarian, is packing up his Bronx apartment and taking the ol' midnight train to Georgia--the peachtree state, not the former Soviet republic.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 14, 2008 12:07 PM

A Six-Year-Old with a Future in Elected Politics Tackles a Tough Question

My opponent and older brother, Tyler, in an effort to distract the parents of this household from the real issues--like the still unanswered questions regarding the whereabouts of Mom's scissors--has brought up the issue of my misguided urination adventures.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 13, 2008 02:47 PM

Illustration Gallery

Abu Ghraib by Danny Gregory Accompanied the "One-Question Interview: Danny Gregory, Watercolor Journalist" The Rise and Decline of the Castro Régime, as Illustrated by Castro’s Facial Hair, by Alexander Neuscheler Transmogrified PapaIllustrated the story "Hills Like Stuffed Tigers" by...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 12, 2008 05:09 PM

TEST PAGE: Economic Crisis Hits the Street ... Sesame Street

I'm Guy Smiley and you're entering The No Strings Zone. Is Sesame Street being devastated by America's economic crisis? I don't think so! Last I saw there were sunny days keeping the clouds away and everything was A-O.K. My...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 11, 2008 04:32 PM

Economic Crisis Hits the Street--Sesame Street

I'm Guy Smiley and you're entering The No Strings Zone. Is Sesame Street being devastated by America's economic crisis?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 11, 2008 01:09 PM

Happy Yom Kippur

Atone this!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 8, 2008 10:14 PM

TEST PAGE: A Guide to Recognizing Your Mavericks

Samuel Augustus Maverick The Texas cattle rancher (1803–1870), who refused to brand his cattle, thus resulting in lots of lost, unidentifiable cows. The phrase currently being beaten into oblivion is named for him (or, rather, his maverick cattle). It...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 8, 2008 10:52 AM

A Guide to Recognizing Your Mavericks

From James Garner to the Dallas Mavs. Also! A guide to notable black presidents.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 8, 2008 09:00 AM

Live (Sort of) Coverage (Well, Jokes) of the Presidential Town-Hall Debate

Y.P.R.'s experiment in "live-blogging" the "town-hall" "presidential" "debate."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 7, 2008 06:53 PM

Debate Prep

Tonight, your Yankee Pot Roasters will be conducting an experiment in live-blogging during the presidential debate. And if the experiment is successful, we will likely live-blog again for Thursday night's première of Kath & Kim on NBC.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 6, 2008 11:33 PM

Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future …

It’s either that, or you’re living unemployment check to unemployment check in a modest three-bedroom condo, downgrading to the store-brand Oreo knock-offs, hardly going out to dinner at all except on weekends, birthdays, and holidays.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 5, 2008 12:30 AM

Lines Composed During a Vice-Presidential Debate

Palin Poem

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 4, 2008 10:29 PM

Reminder: Tonight in Brooklyn, Get Your Y.P.R. On!

Tonight! 7 p.m.! Barnes & Noble! Park Slope! Yankee Pot Roasters! Reading! Joking! Signing! Books! Underrated! Ha ha! And then! The Gate! Drinking! More jokes! Like 8-something probably? Ha ha! Fun! You! Us! Good times!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 3, 2008 03:21 PM

Underrated Indecision^*

All this week at Comedy Central's Indecision 2008 blog, Y.P.R. will be whoring its sociopolitical influence to examine the United States' most underrated executive understudies.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 2, 2008 11:44 PM

Veep This

As we ready for tonight's big debate between Garry Marshall and Betty Rubble, let us take a moment to remember some of our greatest vice presidents past. Or, at least, the two who've shot someone.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 2, 2008 08:54 AM

Reading. Drinking. Friday. Brooklyn.

Friday, October 3rd, 7 p.m., at the Barnes & Noble in Park Slope. And then come drink with us at The Gate, a nearby watering hole.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 30, 2008 12:15 AM

Y.P.R. Staff Editor Term-Paper Titles from their Years as Ph.D. Candidates at the New School for Social Research

"A Theory of Redundancy Theory"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2008 12:59 PM

Test: Laverne & Shirley

ex•e•ge•sis [ek-si-jee-sis] – noun, singular. A hyper-pretentious term meaning a critical explanation or analysis. I was recently awarded an honorary Ph.D. from this guy who pisses in my apartment lobby. According to "Chancellor H-DABomb3" as he refers to himself,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2008 11:51 AM

A Thorough Exegesis of the Opening Credits to Laverne & Shirley (The Wisconsin Years)

According to Wikipedia, a "schlemiel" is a Yiddish word meaning "perpetual bungler" or "dolt." "Schlimazel" is also Yiddish, meaning "an extremely unlucky or inept person; a habitual failure."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2008 12:37 AM

Are You Going to Hell?

Take this 12-question quiz and find out!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2008 09:01 PM

Four-Year Flashback: Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate

What with tonight's McCain/Obama tête-à-tête being possibly canceled due to inclement fiscal weather, our collective appetite for debate remains unsated. Please enjoy this debatable article, from the 2004 election, and recall that it doesn't matter who wins the argument; only who steals Ohio.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 26, 2008 11:46 AM

Yankee Pot Roast Hits Up Rockland

This evening, at the Barnes & Noble bookstore in glorious Rockland County, the Yankee Pot Roasters will be signing copies of their new book, Underrated, and helping readers determine with absolute confidence their underrated/overrated quotients.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 25, 2008 12:29 PM

I'm Sad to Announce the Final Strip of Love Is ...

I'm screwing the lid on the India ink for the last time because there are, after today's panel, only 18 more ways to articulate what love is.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2008 03:01 PM

William Carlos Williams Is a Really Bad Roommate

The legendary poet is an inconsiderate prick.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2008 12:13 PM

Questions from Val Kilmer upon Being Tapped to Provide the Voice of KITT for NBC's New Knight Rider Series

How a big-time movie actor winds up doing automotive voiceover.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2008 11:56 AM

Ooonder ’ated on the Radio

Your humble editor, Mr. Geoff Wolinetz, spoke with Phantom 105.2, Dublin's reformed pirate radio station, to promote Y.P.R.'s book, Underrated (which in Ireland, of course, is called "Ooonder ’ated").

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 21, 2008 10:28 PM

"Yo' Momma" Jokes, as Told by Nerds

Your Mother is so slow she uses the ISA Slot and 1000KB of RAM.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 18, 2008 11:22 PM

D.F.W., R.I.P.

Endnote.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2008 11:26 PM

What if We Were to Tell You We Had a Very Funny Thing Called "Entourage Chat Room"? Is That Something You Might Be Interested In?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 7, 2008 07:16 PM

Back to School (tergum ut schola)

A (week-late) roundup of Y.P.R.'s articles, spanning the elementary through collegiate levels.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 6, 2008 01:52 AM

G.O.P. Potpourri

As this week's Republican hootenanny continues, Y.P.R. republishes some more of its past tributes to the Grand Old Party.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 1, 2008 12:06 PM

Four-Year Flashback: Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. MMIV

Well, Hurricane Gustav is all but shitcanning this week’s Republican National Convention, so to get your fix of grand old G.O.P. partying, Y.P.R. is republishing its coverage of the 2004 R.N.C. in New York City.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 29, 2008 03:37 AM

But, Mooooom, I Was Photoshopped.

Because I love you, I am extraordinarily concerned about certain enhanced photos you saw while dabbling in the popular networking site, Facebook.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 21, 2008 05:55 PM

Y.P.R. on the Radio Tonight!

Tonight, your Yankee Pot Roasters will commandeering the earth's radiowaves (via The Joey Reynolds Show on WOR in N.Y.C. (710 AM); syndicated nationally) to promote their new book, How Awesome Will It Be: A Teen Guide to the Second Coming Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome, Underappreciated Stuff.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 20, 2008 11:26 AM

The Underrated Book and the State of Oregon Declare Mutual Appreciation.

Underrated scored a brief mention in The Oregonian's Pop Talk feature, in which we are referred to as "waggish satirists." Um, hooray for the Hazelnut State!

Also, an equally brief but equally positive note from The Sacramento News & Review, in which our calculations are called "complicated, Freakonomics-style." Well, SN&R is half-right, although it looks like the Freaky Steves used legitimate math. We just made up numbers. (Shh!)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 17, 2008 03:03 PM

The Simpsons, via Y.P.R., via Cracked

"The 5 Most Underrated Simpsons Characters," by your Yankee Pot Roasters, over yonder at Cracked.com.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 17, 2008 02:15 PM

Met the Authors

Richard Grayson reviews Y.P.R.'s Underrated book signing and discussion.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 14, 2008 06:22 PM

Who Is ScriptGirl?

Kim Townsel interviews ScriptGirl--the mysterious producer's assistant who reports a weekly wrapup of script sales via viral video.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 14, 2008 11:41 AM

How to (F)Lie

A graphic novella that tells the story of a bird and his alcoholic father, and his dreams of escape.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2008 04:05 PM

I Can't Wait for You to Meet My Panther

You may stumble on a few mason jars around the apartment filled with urine. Nothing to worry about. It’s mine. Just a little system I’ve developed to let my panther know whose territory is whose around here.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2008 01:51 PM

Welcome Back to the Official Message Board of Al-Qaeda

The Official Message Board of Al-Qaeda is once again up and running. Praise be to Allah, who in His infinite wisdom sought to repair the server. Also, many thanks to Shareef, the I.T. guy, who also had a hand in it.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 12, 2008 05:45 PM

Zack and Miri Make a Pruno

Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks discuss the challenges of making fruity swill for the prudish M.P.A.A.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 11, 2008 02:16 PM

Underrated Book Signing Tonight!

This evening, at the Borders bookstore in Columbus Circle, the Yankee Pot Roasters will be signing copies of their new book, Underrated.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 11, 2008 01:56 AM

Johnny Macklin’s Persuasive Essay for English 101A

Once you hear my reasons for skipping out on Rose at the Channing Senior Center, you will agree with me that California’s law requiring college students to do community service is unnecessary and can be emotionally scaring.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2008 02:11 PM

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People I Know

Seven tips for guaranteed success.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2008 01:50 PM

Unfortunate Typos in My Research Manuscript Draft

“Those whore ceived treatment …”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2008 01:16 PM

The Dominatrix Decathlon

After months of speculation, and ongoing international protest, the Chinese Olympic Commissioner made official confirmation last week that the Dominatrix Decathlon will not be part of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2008 01:04 AM

Suggested Emcee Names for People with Disorders Which Might Make It Difficult to Actually Rap

The Notorious L.I.S.P.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 7, 2008 12:54 AM

How to Get Thrown Out of Your Eight-Year-Old Son's Little League Baseball Game

Getting thrown out isn't a sprint; it's a persistent, meticulous process.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 10:44 PM

Avoiding the 120 Days of Sodom: A 12-Step Program

Take communion, and with the wafer still in your mouth, have four gazelles nuzzle you with their soft chin and jowls.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 10:29 PM

Rejected Sympathy Card Sentiments

...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 09:50 PM

Unpopular Summer Treats

Delicious when it's hot.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 07:45 PM

I'd Like to Say a Few Words Before I Begin Drumming

Ever since I took up the drum more than a month ago, it has become my preferred--indeed, almost exclusive--form of self-expression.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 01:03 PM

I Am Glad My Childhood Dreams Did Not Come True

I wanted to wear X-Ray Specs, use the Force, and be the Six-Million Dollar Man.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 01:00 PM

Sometimes I Think about Eating You

And sometimes, depending on the severity of the hunger, I imagine not even cooking you.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 12:25 PM

Let's Make a Baby

We should have sex and make a baby. After conducting multiple experiments, I am relatively convinced I have a lot of semen in my body.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 12:23 PM

Less Than Impressive Facts about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lives in Houston.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 12:38 AM

Get Quit!

Hello? I know you're there; I can here you breathing (or should I say wheezing?).

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2008 12:16 AM

European Hip-Hoppers

Old World Rap.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 3, 2008 03:49 PM

11 Words That Sound Offensive, But Aren't

Learn how to use naughty-sounding words like "titular" and "prickmadam" in polite conversation.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 08:06 PM

Unpopular

Dear Popular Mechanics, I've enjoyed the reader letters in your magazine since first sneaking a peek at your pages as a boy, but I never thought that one day I would be writing in with an unbelievable story of my own.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 07:28 PM

Since When Is Rampant Incompetence a Valid Reason for Dismissal?

If borrowing the occasional AA battery from the occasional smoke alarm makes me "irresponsible" then you may as well just call me "Mr. Irresponsible."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 07:12 PM

What I'm Listening To

This classic rock anthem is still going strong 30+ years after its release, a fact made overly clear every mid- to late-afternoon when it's played by the A.O.R. station blaring from the boom box belonging to the roofing crew that's been (intermittently) working atop my house for the past 11 days.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 07:08 PM

Remember the Children

Our once-beautiful airship, the Frau Fenstermacher, is doomed, crippled by a combination of albatross collisions and sabotage. Captain Hofstadter is dead, impaled on his own cane-sword, taking with him the secret location of Isla de Pelucas Perdidos. We are losing altitude as I speak, and will soon plunge into the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 07:05 PM

Adventure on the Moors! A Brontë Choose Your Own Adventure

If you decide to follow Mr Heathcliff into the manor, turn to page 142.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 06:56 PM

Dating and Relationship Advice from the Guy Who Honks His Horn Repeatedly While Slowly Driving Past Women

As you slowly creep past her, blaring your car's horn and showering her with unwanted profanity-laced comments about her body, you've got to show her that you're in it for the long haul, not seeking some superficial one-night stand.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 06:24 PM

More Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Equine Nomenclature Gamblers Should Avoid

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 06:06 PM

Autographed Items in Which the Item Is Precious and the Signer Is Famous but the Incongruity of Their Combination Diminishes Their Value

The game ball for Super Bowl XXIII, autographed by David Hyde Pierce

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2008 05:59 PM

Is It Shark Week Already?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 28, 2008 11:21 AM

I Don’t Understand Why My Amateur Party-Motivating Service Is Losing Business

Sing it with me, people! Ain’t no party like a one-where-I-release-live-bees partaaay! Heyyy! Hoooo!!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 27, 2008 04:09 PM

Picture It: Sicily, 1923

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 22, 2008 09:09 PM

Food for Thoughtlessness

Bum Food, Hurt Waffles, & Gross Treats

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2008 04:50 PM

Las Listas Internacionales

European Hip-Hoppers; Zionist Plots; Spanish Words

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2008 03:47 PM

Notorious!: Celebrity Listicles

Chuck Norris Facts; Carlos Mencia Thievery; David Coverdale's John Hancock

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2008 03:47 PM

Science & Medicine

Unfortunate Typos; Musical Ailments; F.A.Q.s for Girls

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2008 03:47 PM

Mamma Vostra!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2008 11:23 PM

Dark Knight Double Feature!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 17, 2008 07:31 PM

Bush Feet Under

The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2008 01:50 PM

Two (2) Listicles

An itemized list of lists.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 13, 2008 12:28 PM

Spanish Words I Learned over Spring Break

¡Cerveza!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 09:44 PM

How to Convince the Widow from Accounting That the One-Night Stand Was "Part of Her Recovery"

Suggest that she’s going to start dating again sometime, and if she’s going to be used and discarded it might as well be with a guy she knows

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 09:38 PM

Over the Partition with Nary a Bounce: Home Run Calls I'd Love to Hear

The fat lady of myth and legend may have not sung as yet, but she is most certainly humming a rather jaunty tune! [Said while tipping back boater hat and pouring out a handful of crackerjack.]

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 09:04 PM

Karmic Rejection Letters

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your subscription renewal notice. While it was deftly written—and the lowered rate somewhat fiscally compelling—we’re afraid your magazine just isn’t a right fit for our mailbox.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 07:36 PM

Flavor of Law

I was sitting in my hot tub, flipping through the latest issue of The Source, The Bible of Hip-Hop Music, Fashion and Jurisprudence, when my personal assistant Fai’sha said there was a Supreme Court justice on the line for me.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 07:13 PM

Full Disclosure

I'm sitting down with New York Times reporter Adam Nagourney. (Disclosure: my communication with Mr. Nagourney consists of comments I've posted to his blog.)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 06:44 PM

Pimposium: A Rediscovered Platonic Dialogue

Socrates: I suppose you know, that it's hard out here for a pimp?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 06:00 PM

Cormac McCarthy Sends in His Treatment of the Final Harry Potter Movie

Ron is too long and too tall for his robes and Ron is hungry because Ron is poor. Hermione studies.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 05:28 PM

The Four Pop Stars

With a nod and a wink to Monty Python’s “Four Yorkshiremen” sketch.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 05:08 PM

Dr. Seuss Treats a Patient

All we can do now is wish for the best.
But first we must wait for a biopsy test!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 09:08 AM

Other Entities That Are Not Great, According to an Inebriated but Still Quite Formidable Christopher Hitchens

Frosted Flakes: The rabid frothing of their pathetic anthropomorphic tiger mascot notwithstanding, these "flakes" decompose in seconds into an insipid, over-sweet slurry.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2008 09:02 AM

Hot Summer Looks Courtesy of Hollywood

The Sex in the City girls are back! And they're bringing their fabulous wardrobes with them. But instead of waiting in line to grab Carrie's latest, why not branch out into some of summer cinema's other offerings for great trendspotting opportunities?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 11, 2008 08:50 AM

How to (Re-)Write a Book

Last night, over a hundred of Y.P.R.'s friends and fans joined us at Ace of Clubs for a low-rent book launch party, to celebrate Underrated selling out its first print run in just over a week. Big buckets of thanks...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 9, 2008 08:51 AM

So, What Is Not an International Zionist Plot?

By President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:57 AM

Single-Celled and Loving It

Men, you might want to put away your Petri dishes. Sexy superbug Muris Hepatozoon isn't looking to rapidly evolve to multicellular status anytime soon.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:33 AM

F.A.Q. Answers from The "What's Going on with My Body?" Book for Girls, by Dr. Harold Iskis, Family Research Council

Here's where the "va-jay-jay" is.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:23 AM

Ways of Having One's Hashbrowns That Have Been Removed from the Waffle House Repertoire for One Reason or Another

Embarrassed (with red peppers)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:22 AM

Things I Suspect Carlos Mencia Has Stolen from Me, Other Than Jokes

My original television series concept, entitled Central Nervous System of Mencia ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:21 AM

Excerpts from The Best American Poetry 2007: Rosie O’Donnell Edition

A collection of actual poems written by the noted television personality for her blog.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:21 AM

I Don't Know Anything About the Floating Man in the Upstairs Window: Nine Poems

More pithy poetry.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2008 02:19 AM

Family Film Guide for the Week Beginning July 6, 2008

This week's guide to current cinematic releases and their appropriateness for children under the age of 17.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 6, 2008 10:03 PM

Godlessness!

Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic | Things I Would Do if God Were Proven Nonexistent

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 1, 2008 08:52 AM

Coming Soon from Pixar: Chen·E

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 29, 2008 09:48 PM

Deadspun

Huzzah and kudos to Y.P.R.'s sports-loving pals and erstwhile Black Tablers: Mr. Will Leitch is retiring his jersey as editor of Deadspin to columnize for New York magazine, and Mr. A.J. Daulerio will be sitting in the vacant Leitch-shaped ass crater on the Deadspin chair in his absence. Mazel tov, boys.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 28, 2008 12:06 PM

Underrated Hits Bookstores Today!

That's right, folks--Y.P.R.'s big, orange, 224-page book arrives in finer bookstores today. Look for us in the Humor section, reluctantly sharing shelf space with Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. II and Garfield Takes the Cake.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 24, 2008 08:57 AM

Announcing Y.P.R.'s New Book: Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff

Yes, folks, your humble Yankee Pot Roasters proudly announce their new 224-page book, published by the good people of Citadel Press, the imprint of Kensington Books, printed, bound, and available in finer bookstores everywhere on June 24, 2008.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 17, 2008 12:42 AM

Monster Island Welcomes You!

Monster Island boasts everything the world traveler expects from a premier vacation getaway, including a five-star restaurant, a full-service spa, and a first-class burn ward.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 7, 2008 04:36 PM

Sex and the City: Miami

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 29, 2008 12:07 PM

Lesser-Known Quotations from Famous People

Some notable words that never made Bartlett's.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 28, 2008 01:47 PM

Wise Words of Wisdom

The true test of a man is how he reacts in the face of adversity. If you do not have any adversity handy, check the Adam's apple.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 24, 2008 03:02 PM

Things I Would Do if God Were Proven Nonexistent

Stop burning Harry Potter books.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 24, 2008 02:52 PM

Stopping by Poop on a Summer Evening

Whose poop this is, I think I know ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 24, 2008 02:49 PM

Tales to Admonish

In which Y.P.R. for the first time ever breaks a news story!.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 22, 2008 10:28 AM

Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues

The Top Docs Issue. He's not like a doctor doctor, but Hubie will make you feel all right, all the time.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 22, 2008 12:25 AM

So Now You're a Therapist

You need scarves--lots and lots of brightly colored scarves. And you need to learn to tie them around your neck in jaunty knots.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 22, 2008 12:24 AM

I’ve Decided to Start Acting More French

Exactly what this will entail is difficult to determine, particularly because I have never been to France.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 22, 2008 12:22 AM

The Cruelest Nicknames in Modern Operatic History

Perverotti

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 22, 2008 12:04 AM

Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic

Shout to the Lord (Seems, in All Honesty, a Reactionary, if Not Drunken, Outburst Unworthy of the Most Rudimentary A Priori Examination)

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 10:23 PM

Superhero, Supervillain, or Supertramp?

So you've been blasted by cosmic rays, or bitten by a genetically-engineered insect, or doused in toxic waste...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 10:19 PM

The Rise and Decline of the Castro Régime, as Illustrated by Castro's Facial Hair

¡Viva la Barba!!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 10:07 PM

If The Newlywed Game Had Been Hosted by a Talking Washing Machine Instead of Bob Eubanks ...

Describe the velocity of your whoopee-making. Is it: Normal/Gentle, Normal/Normal, or Fast/Normal?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 09:58 PM

Stand and Evolve

At the end of this semester, you will all take the 1986 edition of the A.P. U.S. History exam, which is all we could recover from the rubble of the testing center in Trenton. And you will all pass.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 09:56 PM

New Rules for the N.B.A. Half-Court Challenge

Sink this baby, and you're a millionaire!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 09:49 PM

We Will Stop at Nothing to Acquire Your Swiffer Technology

A Proclamation from Three-Click-Pause-Two-Click, Fifth of Many

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2008 09:48 PM

Indiana Jones and the Last Fucking One

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 17, 2008 05:50 PM

Paris Hilton's Commencement Address to the University of Southern California Class of 2008

My first life lesson to you guys will be this: Telling a secret to someone in front of reporters is pretty much the same thing as telling that person a not-secret. That's a saying I made up.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 17, 2008 01:21 PM

Presidential Personal Ads

Male, African American (!!), mid 40s seeks democratic people to instill with unbridled feelings of hope, pride, and naïveté.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 13, 2008 10:32 PM

My Up-to-the-Minute Election Coverage

Welcome to my coverage of the crucial [insert name of random state here] Democratic primary.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 10, 2008 01:18 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Dessert Edition

Wither Sugar? | Cannol | Flan | Breyers All Natural Ice Cream (Is Not All Natural) | Death by Shmocolate | Fondly Recallng Candy at the High's

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 28, 2008 11:55 PM

Grand Theft Oughtta

" Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly" by Mike Richardson-Bryan
You receive your cut from a jewel heist: collect $50

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 28, 2008 11:13 PM

April Listicles

Dryer than April showers.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 23, 2008 12:08 AM

Mamma Mia!

Republishing Some Mother's Day Material for Dear Old Mom

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2008 03:31 PM

The Tyra Banks Show Seder

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 17, 2008 09:26 PM

Passovers Past

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 12, 2008 12:55 AM

Classic Kung Fu Titles That Would Make for Some Disturbingly Bad Porn

Seven Blows of the Dragon

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2008 11:39 PM

Innovative Marriage Proposals

Alternative Suggestions for Popping the Question.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2008 11:38 PM

Eggs on the Brunch Menu of the Restaurant I Probably Shouldn't Open

Move over, Moons Over My Hammy®.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2008 10:56 PM

On a Deadline, The New Yorker's "Goings On About Town" Restaurant Reviewer Hits His Local McDonald's

Faux-retro neon glitters into the night a beckoning for Scottish fare via kitsch interlocking double arches.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2008 10:51 PM

Four Odes

Rachmaninoff; Blind Blake; S. Johnson; A. Gardner.
Hurrah!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2008 10:13 PM

Rethinking Kosher Wines

What to spill at your Seder, from Manischewitz to MD 20/20.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2008 08:46 AM

Diary of a Radioactive, Flesh-Eating Teen Zombie

I've always wanted to suck her brains out because she keeps borrowing my lip gloss without asking.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 10, 2008 11:41 PM

We Love to Fetish and It Shows

or, Delta's Risqué In-Flight Safety Videos Are Bound for Depravity.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 10, 2008 11:35 PM

Nowhere Is My Paranoia More Evident Than in My E-Mail Confidentiality Notice

If you have received this e-mail in error, please follow these 25 easy steps.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 10, 2008 11:31 PM

Lives of the Mutant Ninja Turtles

Midlife crises on the half-shell.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 10, 2008 10:38 PM

The One-Room M.F.A. Program

Zora Neal Hurston was passed out drunk on the floor a some Harlem speakeasy, weepin soft-like, dreamin a the sweet, velvet thighs a Eudora Welty!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 8, 2008 07:06 PM

This Is Where We Keep Vivaldi's Body

Discover the Baroque composer's Fifth Season.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 06:20 PM

Happy Birthday from the Future

I am sorry that I ruined your birthday. You are right—it would have been more helpful to warn you about World Plagues I and II.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 05:58 PM

What a Deal or No Deal Model Is Thinking

"Don't blow it. Do not blow this!"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 05:45 PM

An Important Message About Breast Health from Antonio Banderas

If you like, you may imagine that it is my fingers, still rough from many hours of sword training, that are so insistently probing your bosom.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 05:22 PM

Julie Taymor's Youngest Brother Curtis Gets an Eyeful During His New York Visit

A romp through the city with the unique artiste.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 03:36 PM

I Am an Aspiring Blurb Writer

"Eviction letters don't get more direct or tersely composed than this stunning début from EmersonVilla Management."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 03:13 PM

You Mean They Have Humor on the Internet Now?

Y.P.R.'s pal Matt Tobey, now blogging for corporate overlords at Viacom.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 3, 2008 11:53 AM

Alan Roney: Tourette Syndrome–Afflicted Jurassic Park Tour Guide

Here, up on the right, we have four Velociraptors tearing unforgivingly at the flesh of a saber-toothed tiger chainsaw enema fuckballs!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 2, 2008 10:56 PM

Opening Day Rain Delay

Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s favorite pastime.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 31, 2008 10:15 PM

Which Saved by the Bell Character Are You?

Are you a Screech or a Lisa Turtle? Take our handy quiz and find out.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 31, 2008 06:58 PM

Thirteen Ways of Looking at Super Mario Bros.

Among forty-one hovering coins, / The only moving thing / Was the platform of clouds.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 31, 2008 12:08 AM

Congo: Land of Jungles

This nest of ordered chaos has inspired numberless works of literature, from Heart of Darkness, to Apocalypse Now, to Predator II: The Book.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 30, 2008 11:52 PM

Happy Birthday, Wayne Newton!

Frankly, Wayne, I don’t know if I want to pay 400 dollars to see a lounge singer who doesn’t sport a creepy, pencil-thin ’stache.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 29, 2008 09:32 PM

Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin!

With the election for Baldwin Brothers president approaching, I have some concerns that I’ll need to work through before casting my ballot.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 29, 2008 09:32 PM

Happy Birthday, Tracy Chapman!

I’ve got a fast car. It goes zoom!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 29, 2008 08:35 PM

Happy Birthday, Norah Jones!

I’ll tell you why I didn’t come: Your apartment is filthy!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 29, 2008 08:31 PM

Recipe for Disaster

You will need: 1 ex-girlfriend; 8 Pabst Blue Ribbons; 1 gambling addiction; 4 cups self-esteem, minced; Dash of profanity ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 04:06 PM

Everything I Need to Know I Learned Watching Bravo

Or: Is Top Chef On Yet?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 03:34 PM

Platypus-Based Expressions to Disarm Friend & Foe Alike

"Enough of your duck-billed platitudes …"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 02:21 AM

The Dinosaur in My Living Room Is Fred: Seven Poems

A series of tiny poems, of which none rhyme.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 02:16 AM

Excerpts from Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU

The inept housemaid stumbles into saving the day.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 02:03 AM

Popular Adages from Surly Richard's Almanack

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and I hate you."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 02:01 AM

Dirty Deeds Done Not So Dirt Cheap

Pricey pranks and ostentatious malevolence.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 01:53 AM

Led Zeppelin's "Essential" Reading List: North American Tour, 1977

Compiled from Robert Plant's outstanding library fees.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 01:48 AM

Most Tortured Pitchfork Descriptions of Singers' Voices

"… like Björk if she were on a bus driven by Leslie Feist that only stopped at Ronnie Spector's smoke-filled diner."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 01:43 AM

Grimwald and the Dwarven Curse: A Mitch Gavelneck Fantasy by John Grisham

A goblin, for Baal's sake. And an all-dwarf jury, too. Mitch grimaced and pulled his Giorgio Armani pinstripe cloak tighter about himself.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 01:39 AM

William Faulkner Questions George Dickel's Charge on His Credit Card Bill

The Southern writer is a stickler for accuracy and detail.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2008 01:35 AM

Easterly Eggs

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 21, 2008 03:41 AM

This Thing Looks Like That Thing, and Also, This Other Thing Also Looks Like That Other Thing from the Same Thing

Can you tell which cheeky Chanel ad was designed by Chip Kidd, the legendary book-coverer and noted cheese monkey, and which was done by freelance commenter José?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 18, 2008 01:56 AM

Calvary Cay

The First Eight Years of the Twenty-first Century Retold in Crypto-Allegorical Smut.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 15, 2008 11:48 AM

Family Hour w/ Auntie Sara (... w/ Geoff!)

Your humble coëditor, Mr. Geoff Wolinetz, will regale you with tales of the Wolinetz clan this Friday night when he joins other prodigal sons and daughters at Family Hour w/ Auntie Sara, New York City's most dysfunctional comedy night.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 10, 2008 05:05 PM

Hip-Hop Lit: New and Noteworthy

What Ho, G! by 50 Cent & P.G. Wodehouse
"I endeavor to give satisfaction, dog."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 8, 2008 12:26 PM

Failures in Live-Blogging

Hey, why is everybody screami

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 5, 2008 06:48 PM

Drunk Cat: The Unauthorized Story

I knew Fluffers way before he got famous ... He changed.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 5, 2008 02:28 PM

Selections from The Golden Girls Exhibit, Part II: Modern Art

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 5, 2008 01:19 AM

Become an Undecided Voter!

A simple test to determine your level of complete political indifference.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 3, 2008 12:48 PM

March Listicles

In lionlike, out lamblike.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2008 11:59 PM

Gordon Ramsay Has a Quiet Family Dinner at Home

The noted chef enjoys his wife's home cooking.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2008 01:33 AM

A Half Decade of Pot Roast (Pt. V)

... Aaand some more vintage Y.P.R.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 29, 2008 02:06 AM

Material to be Adapted Best

Last night the Coen boys won three Academy Awards for their adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's gloomy neo-Western, No Country for Old Men (Ningún país para los viejos hombres). Mr. McCarthy previously dissected his process for producing bleak, dreary masterpieces:

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 25, 2008 03:03 AM

A Half Decade of Pot Roast (Pt. IV)

Still more classic Y.P.R. ha-has ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2008 12:22 PM

We're Rooting for There Will Be No Country for Junold Men.

---

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2008 10:32 AM

The Acceptance Speech for Best Actor from a Talking Dog Created in a Government Laboratory for Undisclosed Reasons

This moment is for Lassie, Old Yeller, Pete the Pup. It's for the canines that stand beside me, Bingo and Beethoven ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2008 10:16 AM

A Half Decade of Pot Roast (Pt. III)

Yet more Y.P.R. classics: Part I | Part II | Part IV | Part V...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 21, 2008 11:38 PM

A Half Decade of Pot Roast (Pt. II)

Presenting more gems unearthed from Y.P.R.'s five-year-deep archives.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 21, 2008 11:16 PM

A Half Decade of Pot Roast

That's right, this week marks five (5) long years that this humble journal has been publishing a daily(-ish) dose of the finest literary satire money can buy. To celebrate, we're republishing some of our favorite past pieces ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 21, 2008 05:26 PM

Happy Birthday, Sidney Poitier!

Guess who’s coming to dinner? Me!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 19, 2008 09:42 PM

Happy Birthday, Justine Bateman!

With undying love,
Marc Price
(a.k.a. "Skippy Handleman")

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 19, 2008 08:07 PM

Good Times: The Lost Episode

Ted Koppel visits the Evans family. Dy-no-mightline!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 16, 2008 09:06 PM

Presidents Day Sale

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 15, 2008 04:12 AM

Notorious Be Mines

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2008 03:13 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Post–Super Bowl 2008 Edition

The Failure of Pre-Game Hype to Capture the Imagination of a Public Oversaturated with Every Other Kind of Hype ... The Continued Decision to Play the Game Ridiculously Late in the Day Just So We'll Be Forced to Watch a Damned Episode of House ... Tom Petty as Half-Time Attraction as Last Gasp of an Ever-More-Obviously Exhausted and Desperate Baby Boom Generation

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 12, 2008 01:53 AM

The Grammys' 72nd Anniversary

Find out who won Best Performance by a Clone or Human/Animal Hybrid, Best Inaudible Recording, and more with "Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards" by Nick Jezarian, Matt Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 11, 2008 10:56 AM

Every Single Episode of Two and a Half Men

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 10, 2008 02:31 AM

Yo-Momma-So-Fat Jokes Through the Ages

Yo momma so fat, when Rome fell, she broke its fall.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2008 06:13 PM

Are You Conservative or Liberal?

A Slightly Slanted Questionnaire

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2008 04:48 PM

Tom Hanks Films, Arranged in Diminishing Vicinity to the Ocean

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2008 04:34 PM

The Giants Win the Pennant! The Giants Win the Pennant!

Wear your pride on your chest with Yankee Pot Roast's commemorative Super Bowl XLII T-shirt.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 4, 2008 12:22 PM

Magneto, Master of Magnetism, Holds Open Tryouts for the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants

Behold! The terrifying might of the fearsome Baffler! The mighty terror of the dreaded Beshemoth! The ursine villainy that is the terrible Maulbearer!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 04:46 AM

Devil-cum-Shoeshine Boy Tells a Customer the Genesis of His Current Occupation Is a Bad Bargain with a Savvy Businessman

Shoeshine, sir? Hop up here. Nice Rockports, comfortable? Yeah, leather's a bit worn but I'll buff ’em right up.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 04:27 AM

Liam Gallagher Talks to John Lennon's Ghost

Unofficial transcript of a conversation between the late Beatle and the former Oasis frontman.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 04:05 AM

If the Beatles Were Jews

"You’ve Got to Hide Anne Frank Away"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 03:53 AM

Gift Idea: Diary™

For the blogger in your life, consider getting the gift that every media-savvy web-lettrist wants, the latest new-media tech sensation: Diary™.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 03:17 AM

Topical Punch II: Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 80s That Never Quite Made It

Thirstysomething?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 02:06 AM

Five Things Thomas Pynchon Will Never Say

“Thanks, Oprah. Great to be back.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2008 01:59 AM

An Open Letter to the W.G.A. from the Hollywood Producers

We, The Consortium of Hollywood Producers, met this weekend over hookers and Mallomars at our Santa Monica lair and agreed that we're not really all that concerned with your writer's strikey thing.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 2, 2008 08:03 PM

Super Bowl Stupor

Collecting Y.P.R.'s coverage of Super Bowls past.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2008 09:37 PM

A David Foster Wallace Valentine

Did it ever occur to you that the simple phrase "Be My Sweetheart" (hereafter referred to as B.M.S.) has been occluded by the desalinization of love, or rather the concept of love, which has been transmuted into an ironic declaration of faux-sentiment for the benefit of self-fulfillment of sheeplike masses (SLM) with the endless Hollywoodization and crass consumer-mongering of the media bouyed by the post-Christmas Holiday onslaught of sales-driven shelf-filling multinational retail conglomerates intent on upping the ante on first-quarter revenue? ¹

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2008 08:01 PM

More Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men

Benny Basic Cable, Airbags Malloy, Barry A'Tricks, Serotonin-Sucking Sal, and Angelo The Milkman.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2008 06:48 PM

Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men

Vinnie the Exfoliator, Paper Cuts Ralphie, Cinnabon Louie, and Dominic the Dactyl Displacer.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2008 06:46 PM

Bret Michaels Considers the Candidates

I really dig that Obama. Sharp guy and young, too. So I think Barack Obama would rock my vote because he's probably the only candidate who knows my music. Cool name, too!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2008 03:49 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Animation Edition

The Creepy Endlessness and Ultimate Enshrinement of The Simpsons, Fine and Brilliant as It Plainly Is ... The Preponderance of Psuedo-Simpsonian, Semi-Subversive Cartoons, Not Half as Clever as They Pretend to Be, by a Certain Ubiquitous Animator Whose Stuff Actually Stinks and Is Tiredly Predictable

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2008 02:26 AM

Y.P.R. on the Radio

If you caught Car Talk this weekend on NPR, you heard Click and Clack cackling over a Y.P.R. listicle--Michael Richardson-Bryan's "Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers," which was recently included in The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. Congrats to Mr. Richardson-Bryan, whose wit for this website has now been printed on paper and broadcast through the airwaves. Surely the celluloid adaptation awaits ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2008 04:19 PM

In Which a Newspaper Addresses Some Problems with Its Restaurant Critic

Frankly speaking, the pieces lack culinary insight, are laden with obscene--often belligerent--language, and frequently fail to mention a restaurant or food.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 12:02 PM

Actual Excerpts From ...

... the RoboSapien Owner's Manual; ... Chuck Scarborough's Novel about an Earthquake Striking New York City; ... the Catholic Defense League's 1994 Report on Anti-Catholicism in the Media.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 10:43 AM

The Complete Idjit's Guide to Old-West Cussin'

As we saw in the last chapter, the trail is rough, and there will be times when it is appropriate to let loose a volley of cuss words such as goldangit, dadgummit, or goddammit.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 10:29 AM

Middle-Earth Customs Form

Department of Hinterland Security -- Gondor Customs and Border Protection

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 02:23 AM

Spring Semester Course Descriptions on Which My Attendance in the Fall May Have Had Some Influence

Even though you do a great impression of Belloq from Raiders, you're still going to fail Introduction to Archaeology

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 01:12 AM

Market Wrap-up

Now it's time to do the numbers.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 12:59 AM

Things I've Learned about the Harry Potter Series from the Online Slash Community

Harry is the son of Dracula, and also Batman, making him one-quarter vampire, one-quarter superhero, and one-half boy wizard.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 12:52 AM

Some Tips on Identifying and Coping with Indigenous Nudity

Shame. Do you feel it? If yes, that's not indigenous nudity.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2008 12:40 AM

Post-9/11 Alternatives to No Fear

Giuli Couture
Terror Alert Colors of Benetton
Holliburton
Axis of Evil & Fitch
American Apparel

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2008 11:54 PM

The Lord Bellingham Letters, 1580–1610

Editor: Just as two plump and o'er-ripe pomegranates are crack'd betwixt stones for thy luncheon, in sooth I would thy balls were pummeled so.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2008 11:40 PM

My Writers' Strike Diary

The statement is finished, polished, deadly. I have joined my fellow scribes—I didn't use that word in my statement because it's pretentious.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2008 11:30 PM

Niche Internet Dating Websites

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2008 11:19 PM

Roasts

In which Y.P.R. offends its friends.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2008 11:04 PM

Too Soon? Seann William Scott IS Heath Ledger in On the Ledge: The Legend of Heath Ledger

Ashley Olsen as Mary-Kate Olsen & Illeana Douglas as Masseuse

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 26, 2008 02:23 AM

The Best Damn Sports Show Period Presents the Top End-Zone Celebrations of 2007

Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson is fined $10,000 by the N.F.L. for "excessive irony."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2008 11:08 PM

Some HTML Tags and Text I Hope I Never Write

The <a href=http://www.joinrudy2012.com/> President </a> took office this month.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2008 06:34 PM

Programs That the Discovery Channel Opted Not to Air During Shark Week

My Super Sweet 16 Rows of Teeth

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2008 03:43 PM

The Beatrice Arthur T-Shirt

Inspired by the inexplicably popular Ché Guevara T-shirt, Yankee Pot Roast proudly presents The Beatrice Arthur T-Shirt.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 13, 2008 06:00 PM

Defame This.

Y.P.R. extends a great big bucket of mazel tov to Mr. Mark Grahahm (the once-and-always Uncle Grambo), now defaming Hollywood alongside Mr. Mark Lisanti (the erstwhile Bunsen).

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 3, 2008 11:10 PM

That Was the Year That Was: Y.P.R.'s Best of 2007

Selections from the past year in Y.P.R.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 2, 2008 01:33 AM

Jesus Loves You

He's just not in love with you.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 17, 2007 12:57 PM

Recollections: A Christmas Panegyric, Barstow, California

When my sisters grow up, they'll most likely be whores ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2007 02:49 AM

Police Log Regarding Christmas Eve Crime Spree

8:40 p.m. – All is calm, all is bright.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2007 06:31 PM

Amahl and the Night Visitors: A New Translation of the Timeless Classic Tale

Chapter 1: Wherein Amahl Smells a Gas Leak

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2007 02:38 AM

Lesser Known Characters from Dickens's A Christmas Carol

Dick Dicklewicker, Tucker Bisby, Sweets Plushbottom, and more minor players from the holiday classic.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2007 02:32 AM

My Attempts at Genre Fiction Occasionally Suffer from a Cavalier Approach to Research

The Western: Cacti, tumbleweeds, oxen, logs. Probably sometime around the late 1800s or something.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2007 02:25 AM

The Sharper Image's "Secret Santa" Holiday Gift Exchange Should Not Be Taken Lightly

Have I offended somebody's sense of decorum and decency? I've already made it very clear through countless other department-wide memos that I'm violently allergic to nuts, and this fruitcake is littered with almonds.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2007 09:30 PM

The Thoughts of a Ten-Year-Old, as Imagined by the Producers of Alvin and the Chipmunks

What long-discarded premise can be plucked from the dust of antiquity, polished and refashioned into something I, an adorable tyke, will want to see again and again? One thing's for certain: it will need some references to hip-hop culture.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 12, 2007 03:19 AM

Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah!

Settle on the spelling. Market the latkes. More songs! Gina Gershon & other hot Jewesses.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 4, 2007 10:37 PM

Gawk This

Behold the rats scurrying from the sinking ship ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 3, 2007 11:22 AM

More iPhone Commercials

More man-on-the-street testimonials from iPhone users in front of black felt.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2007 12:23 PM

Yes, You'll Thank Him When You're the Coolest Cat at That Wedding or Bar Mitzvah

Mr. Nick Jezarian, your humble coëditor and breakdancer extraordinaire, will instruct you How to Do the Kick Worm, over at Instructables, the world's biggest Show & Tell.

And now you're the hit of every wedding or bar mitzvah to come.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 20, 2007 12:53 AM

Outing Inanimate Objects

French Horn. The Kevin Spacey of the brass section.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2007 03:12 AM

A Treasury of Best-Loved Bolshevik Christmas Carols

O Come, All Ye Fearful

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2007 03:05 AM

Short-Lived Reality TV Shows (If Television Had Existed Back Then)

Survivor Pompeii

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2007 02:40 AM

Notes on How My Irrational Fear of Organ-Harvesting Has Been Killing My Chances of Random Hookups in N.Y.C.

Stylish woman, late 20s, slightly Eastern European accent. Black mini-dress, heels. Drinks white wine. Wants to take me home and drug me to harvest my kidneys.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2007 02:28 AM

Breaking Up Is Hard to Queue

Hi, Kirsten. Yeah, it's me. We have to talk. About the Netflix queue. Maybe you should delete yours and we both start over.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2007 02:05 AM

Jakob Neilson's Top Ten Design Mistakes in the Human Condition, 2007

Poor navigation, nonresponsive support, and the complete lack of concrete results top this year's list of design mistakes in the human condition, according to the 2007 user survey from noted usability expert Jakob Neilson.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2007 01:56 AM

Afternoon Delight with James Taylor

Hello, I'm James Taylor, and welcome to Afternoon Delight--the show that's all about you and your sex-fetish inquiries.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 18, 2007 12:41 PM

Amazon Rankings of Children's Books by Christopher Hitchens

Mommy's Not Going to Heaven,
"Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children!"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 14, 2007 03:45 AM

Mailer Meets Maker

Mr. Norman Kingsley Mailer, the legendary writer and pugilist, now punching God in the face.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 10, 2007 06:44 PM

How to Be Productive During a Writers' Strike

Hey, striking screenwriters: Why not turn off Final Draft and flip open Microsoft Word for NaNoWriMo?
NOVELIZATIONS, people!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2007 10:41 PM

Rocking the WGA Strike, Pt. II

Presenting some of Y.P.R.'s archive of screenplays, treatments, pitches, and script coverage.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2007 08:09 PM

A Public Message from the North American Soccer League

Is Major League Baseball a harmless athletic competition--or a front, a hideous ruse designed to lure healthy young men into the sordid world of male prostitution?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2007 08:01 AM

MTV Books Presents: Romeo & Juliet

"Shit, bro!" shouted Romeo. "Juliet Capulet is smoking hot!"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 2, 2007 08:01 AM

Recommendation Letter: A Template

Dear [Blank],
Sincerely,
Recommender.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 30, 2007 08:01 AM

About Y.P.R.

Y.P.R. is a good conductor of electricity.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 29, 2007 07:51 PM

A Recipe for Yankee Pot Roast

1¼ cup of the purest olive oil; 3 onions, sliced east-west ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 29, 2007 04:00 PM

An Overdone Assassination

Alone in the cockpit, the assassin sings the sexy part of “Ride of the Valkyries”, backed by a symphony of engine noise.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 29, 2007 08:01 AM

Hoyle's Modernized Rules for War

Widely recognized for its exciting, high-stakes battles, War is played avidly worldwide, though some criticize it for ultimately being drawn out and tiresome.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 27, 2007 09:47 PM

Y.P.R.: Offically Nonrequired

Suggested names for The Best American Nonrequired Reading.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2007 05:17 PM

My Problems with Story Problems

1.) Incomplete narrative arcs.
2.) One-dimensional characterizations.
3.) Who still travels by train?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2007 08:01 AM

Thank You for Contributing During My Podcast Pledge Drive

Your PayPal donation will help me cover the costs of the video equipment I need to transform YouTube into MeTube.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2007 08:01 AM

Rainer Maria Rilke’s Facebook Postings to a Young Poet

As much as I treasure solitude, your recent bundle of poems brought a much-needed ray of sunshine, followed by a cold front and precipitous sinus relief.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2007 08:01 AM

The Five Other People You Meet in Heaven

Clarence: A former small-arms dealer from Queens. He seems like a nice enough guy.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2007 08:01 AM

Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly

You receive your cut from a jewel heist: collect $50

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2007 03:23 AM

David Bowie's Rejected Proposals for New Rock n' Roll Alter Egos

For the upcoming Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) release, I thought I would suggest trying on another character again: Pierre Gremaud--1970s Parochial School Perfect Attendance Zeitgeist!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 23, 2007 08:01 AM

A Very Tall Patriot Has Something to Tell You

Let me just start by saying that in no way, shape, or form do I believe, even for a nanosecond, that the Bush administration has lied to or misled the American public regarding any aspects whatsoever about the war in Iraq, and that I am 407 feet and two inches tall.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 22, 2007 08:01 AM

Classic Nintendo Game Secrets

Tetris Few have seen the localized Japanese version, which replaced the falling blocks with fluffy kittens, mutant eggplant zombies, and irritatingly horny schoolgirls.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 19, 2007 08:01 AM

Hollywood's Most Hilarious Bleeps, Boners, and Flub-Ups: Nicolas Cage Edition

Hollywood spends billions and billions of dollars on Nicolas Cage movies every year. Half the time these movies come out with some craaaazy mistakes in them.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 18, 2007 07:08 PM

Goth Round Table

Charlie Rose welcomes to his show the rockers Robert Smith, Morrissey, Marilyn Manson, and Trent Reznor.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 16, 2007 08:01 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: The Leviathan Stirs in Defense of All That Is Holy Edition

Your humble arbiters of disquietude return ... thanks to the separation of a pop star and her children.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 12, 2007 03:04 AM

Maybe I'm Taking This Whole "Who Are You" Shtick a Little Too Far

Geez, did you fold that shopping list enough times? Who are you, Tomoko Fuse, author of Unit Origami: Multidimensional Transformations?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 10, 2007 10:27 AM

Happy Columbus Day (1492 Productions)

"Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent," by Dale Dobson

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 8, 2007 04:47 PM

The Gummy Bear Survival Guide

Gummy Bears want to kill you. It's true.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 3, 2007 08:01 AM

Drunken Comebacks I'll Remember to Say Next Time I'm Not So Drunk

"Check your mouth's inbox. My fist has sent it an Evite."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2007 08:01 AM

Tribal Elders, It Will Take More Than a Mere Car Alarm to Thwart Indiana Jones

As we approach the hour of the Festival of the Great One, when we bow and offer sacrifice to He of the Moon and the Tides, I must speak openly and say it will take more than a mere car alarm to thwart Indiana Jones from stealing the golden image of our Most Supreme Tecuciztécatl,.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2007 08:01 AM

Rejection Letters before They Were Famous

Wonderful penmanship. We wish you luck elsewhere.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 26, 2007 08:01 AM

I Think I Need to Dispell Some Misconceptions about My Six-Foot-Tall Swedish Ladyfriend Who Happens to Be a Licensed Massage Therapist

She doesn't drive a Volvo. She doesn't drink Absolut. She doesn't like ABBA. She is six feet tall and blonde and super-fucking hot.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 24, 2007 08:01 AM

Tongue Untwisters

Peter Piper bought a tractor.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 19, 2007 08:01 AM

A Letter to Alan from Ted

I have you to thank for a wildly enjoyable evening. I haven’t had beluga since my days scamming randy old men at the Waldorf.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 17, 2007 08:00 AM

The 1970s Joy of Sex Beard Guy Writes His Online Dating Profile

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 14, 2007 08:01 AM

Rod Stewart Songs Titles, Ordered to Tell the Story of His Public Life

Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 12, 2007 08:01 AM

Test Your Cultural I.Q.: I Love Lucy Episode or Noam Chomsky Theorem?

Can you discern the classic sitcom plots from the noted linguist's views? Take this quiz.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 10, 2007 08:01 AM

My Stunt-Book Pitches Currently under Review

Pots and Pans In which I spend one (1) calendar year getting high smoking pot and going to movies and writing about it.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 6, 2007 08:01 AM

What Various People Would Turn Into if, Subject to the Rules Established for the Care of Mogwai in the 1984 Movie Gremlins, They Were Fed after Midnight

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 4, 2007 08:01 AM

Even Sexy Adventurers Get the Blues: A Dickerson P. Cockley Adventure

"Is that it?" He screamed at me. "You had enough?"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 30, 2007 08:01 AM

Ponce de León Attempts to Play Off Not Finding the Fountain of Youth as if the Whole Thing Had Been a Joke

Exploring is my thing. But joking around is my other thing. I'd like people to think of me as the fun conquistador.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 24, 2007 08:01 AM

Memorable Lines from Anti-Sniper Movies

My victims live on in my mind. I'd kill them again, but my own life is the only one I don't have the guts to take.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 22, 2007 08:01 AM

How to Write Poetry

Next up is the use of simile and metaphor. These are what car-bombs are to terrorists. Without them, you're nothing more than an angry person with too much religion stewing in their bottom who can't afford a rocket launcher. See how I did that? I compared the terrorist with the poet.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 21, 2007 08:01 AM

A Horse with No Name: The Rolling Stone Oral History

Thirty-five years after it topped the charts, we take a look back at this enigmatic and influential hit with some of the biggest names in rock.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 16, 2007 08:01 AM

Surgeon General's Warnings (If Hawkeye Pierce Were Surgeon General)

Quitting smoking won't do a damn thing to stop this lousy war. So go ahead, smoke ’em if you got ’em.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2007 08:01 AM

Cormac McCarthy on How to Write a Pulitzer Prize Winning Novel

The Pulitzer Prize-winning author extols the virtues of the Novel Writer Pro 2007.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 14, 2007 08:01 AM

Rove Over

Mr. Karl Rove, the Bush Administration's top scandal architect, is stepping down from his post to "spend time with his family."

Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts by Michael Rottman
It ain't braggin' if you're a Republican.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2007 06:41 PM

Portraits of Glee

A collection of portraits accompanying past articles.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2007 02:03 PM

Comments on Last Night's Orgy

Everyone looked great out there, grunting like pigs in heat on my couches, ottomans, and floor, but the night was also slightly marred by a handful of minor orgy no-nos that I'd like to bring to everyone's attention.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2007 08:01 AM

Selections from The Golden Girls Exhibit, Part I: The Old Masters

Selected masterworks from The Golden Girls Exhibit, arriving at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art this September.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2007 09:01 AM

Nixon and Cookie Monster: The Friendship That Transformed America

Both had to struggle to present a favorable public image. Both had a ravenous personal hunger. Neither ever looked quite comfortable on TV, having a tendency to glance around furtively, and neither fully attained mastery over his own darker side.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2007 12:23 AM

Because I Wrestle Alligators: A Dickerson P. Cockley Adventure

I'm standing in line at the convenience store the other day when I notice someone staring at me. I'm immediately consumed by righteous anger, and grab for the garrote wire and fillet knife I always carry in a sling around my neck. Just as I'm about to put an end to this nosy fucker's busy, intrusive life, I notice she's a she, and very hot. I mean hot, like hot enough to make you want to slice off your ear and mail it to her. Well, maybe not that hot. Someone else's ear then ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 7, 2007 08:01 AM

Items Edited Out of Cooking Shows

Oh. My. God. Perhaps the worst-tasting thing I've ever put into my mouth, on purpose or otherwise ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 6, 2007 08:01 AM

The Bourne Letters: Scranton, Pennsylvania, to Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Pennsylvania is a nondescript series of convenience stores, sleepwalking civilians, and gently rolling mountains. Should have picked up a magazine or a book or something at the bus depot. These guns take up all the room in my bag and aside from the medical kit and the electronic devices, the thing for jimmying doors, and the quarter stick of dynamite, plus the travel razor and that gel stuff that makes my cowlick turn down, there's hardly room for anything else.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 3, 2007 08:01 AM

The Unhappy Life of Johnny Zapfinger, the Boy Who Could Shoot Lightning from His Finger

Or else what? You'll use your lightning finger to fry me to a crisp? Or maybe you'll just give me a quick zap and teach me a lesson in humility that'll forever change my perspective on the narrow definition of what it means to be normal, and which will positively affect the way I'll interact with people from this day forward?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2007 08:20 AM

Prominent Organizations Whose Missions Would Change Drastically with the Addition of a Single Word

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 21, 2007 08:01 AM

Harry Potter and the Deathly Chamber of the Secret Sorcerer's Order of the Hollow Half-Blood Phoenix Stone Goblet Fire Magic Muggle Presto Blah Blah Blah

Presenting one last round-up of Magic and Muggle parodies from Y.P.R.'s past.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 20, 2007 08:46 AM

Safeway

I see you like Cream of Corn, which reminds me of a dream I had last night. Let’s just say there was a lot of cream of corn everywhere. I will take your can of corn and buy it. I will go in the express lane and buy it really fast. I will leave the grocery store and you will see me drive off in my Mercedes Benz. Within a day or two I’ll be back. I’ll ask you on a date. I’ll touch your buttocks. I’ll punch your face in.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2007 08:01 AM

Too Stupid to be President

Barack Obama (D-IL) explained romance for CNN viewers. “You love a woman the same way you grill a burger, Wolf. Till the juices run clear. Love her till the juices run clear.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2007 08:01 AM

20th Century Fox's New Christian Mini-Studio FoxFaith Announces Its Planned Releases For 2008

Created to meet America's rapidly growing demand for Christian-themed entertainment, FoxFaith is one of the most exciting recent additions to the 20th Century Fox family. Without further adieu, here is what Faithful filmgoers have to look forward to in 2008 ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 16, 2007 08:01 AM

My Recent Rejection Slips, Rendered in the Same Manner in which Movie Advertisements Selectively Quote Reviews

"YOUR STORY DID ... MEET OUR STANDARDS..." —American Literary Review
"IT DOES ... MEET OUR EDITORIAL NEEDS ..." —Redivider
"... WE ENCOURAGE YOU ..." —Carolina Quarterly ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 13, 2007 08:01 AM

Bar Mitzvah Speech

A lot of people think that a thirteen-year-old boy is nothing more than a pimply boner-machine with a mouth full of orthodontia and a Web-porn addiction; and while the truth may be on their side, the Torah tells a different story...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 11, 2007 08:01 AM

Deleted Tales from Heinrich Hoffman's 1845 Der Struwwelpeter

Little Debbie loves to drink milk. One day while drinking milk, she spills on the floor. Her father scolds her while changing into a milkman costume. He mumbles something about going out for a pack of cigarettes before stepping out. Moments later, the Nasty Mean Dairyman dashes into the house and pokes Little Debbie's eyes out with his branding iron. Debbie spends her final days in darkness before succumbing to an ocular infection ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 10, 2007 08:01 AM

Great Moments in Inkdom

Everyone should marvel at great works of literature, especially those composed in ink. Here are the more notable examples of writers who overcame great obstacles to see their ink in print ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 9, 2007 08:01 AM

The Small-Loan Conman

TAfter gaining his subjects' trust, he requests numerous unassumingly small, insignificant loans before disappearing into the night air forever. He is armed and extremely dangerous. These are the testimonies of just a few of his victims.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 6, 2007 08:01 AM

Rejected Submissions to Mother Goose's New and Improved Anthology of Classic Children's Nursery Rhymes

Jack Sprat could eat no fat;
His wife could eat no lean.
And so betwixt the two of them
They died of malnutrition.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 5, 2007 08:01 AM

Things We Learned from Eunice and Marvin Weinstein after Buying Their Home in Suburbia

The lady across the street is Greek, but nice.
The young mother three doors down is not very outgoing. She hasn't spoken to the Weinsteins once. But if she's our friend, that's O.K.
That green house used to have lots of beautiful trees in front until Indians moved in ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 3, 2007 08:01 AM

Other Children's Shows on Hamas TV

This week, the Associated Press reported that the character Farfour, a Mickey Mouse knockoff who preached anti-Western indoctrination on Tomorrow’s Pioneers, a Hamas-affiliated children’s television program, was beaten to death in the final episode by an actor playing an Israeli soldier trying to buy Farfour’s land. Here's a look at some other misappropriated American children's shows that have been transformed into juvenile propaganda.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 2, 2007 08:01 AM

Toy Stories

With Michael Bay’s take on the Transformers toy line almost certain to prove a summer smash, Hollywood has lined up a slew of blockbusters to cash in on the nostalgia for other bygone toys. Cultural critics Rottman and Szpirglas have screened advance copies of the latest projects coming soon to a theatre and Toys 'R' Us near you.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 28, 2007 08:01 AM

You Were Walking a Golden Retriever Crossing SE corner of 47th and 9th (Midtown West)

You’re such a fast walker. I watch you every day from my apartment. Around 11:00 a.m. you walk your golden retriever by my window and your hair is always wet from the shower. Or do you take baths? No matter. Your dog is fat and well fed. I like that, someone who cares for animals. I don’t have any animals. I had a rat, but it wasn’t really a pet, and then my upstairs neighbor got a cat that pisses all over everything--it smells like ammonia--and since she got the cat, the rat went away. Such is life. Are you close to your folks? ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 27, 2007 08:01 AM

Die Hard with a Typewriter

Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing by John Harnetiaux

Look, I’ll level with ya: I’m not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let’s get that fuckin’ straight right now. Holly said something like, “John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more,” and I was like, “What the shit you think I’ve been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!” ... [ ... More!]

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 27, 2007 08:00 AM

The Children's Last Best Hope

When building our Science Center, we didn’t waste money courting the participation of big names in the fields of science and education, and we pass the savings on to you.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 26, 2007 08:01 AM

Sexual Frustrations in Your Town

--Twenty-nine years old, and Michael was still woefully inexperienced in the ways of love, having never caressed a woman's fully functioning pancreas ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 25, 2007 08:01 AM

Diary of a Hollywood Script Reader by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

It is unfair that a perfectly innocent person be punished so. There is something creepy, almost haunting, about this office.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 21, 2007 08:01 AM

Icky Thumping

The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba by Mr Steve Finbow, part of his excellent but occasional series, Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 21, 2007 01:01 AM

Indiana Jones IV: Four Scenarios

"Shia LaBeouf ... has signed to co-star alongside Harrison Ford in the fourth Indiana Jones movie ... Online fans are guessing Indiana Jones will have a son for this go-round, but LaBeouf says he can’t confirm such plot points." --USA Today

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 20, 2007 08:01 AM

Ennio Morricone Composes the Soundtrack of My Life

In this rare and illuminating look into the creative process of legendary soundtrack composer Ennio Morricone, exclusive excerpts from his work diary reveal the sublime genius of Il Maestro as he undertakes his most unusual and challenging project to date: composing a musical score to accompany the daily life of Phil Andersen, C.P.A.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 18, 2007 08:01 AM

Notes for Jane Austen's Helter Skelter

Chapter I -- The events must be universally acknowledged. A young man has taken Spahn Ranch.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 15, 2007 08:01 AM

How to Win at Pool

Becoming good at pool is a bit like taking a trip to a remote monastery somewhere in northern China. Not only does it take a lot of dedication, but let's face it--you won't be meeting any women for a while. You'll have to get used to the touch of a man's delicate flesh. And what better kind of manflesh is there than my pink, pudgy fingers gliding over this keyboard, typing a strategy out for winning at the ultimate American game?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 14, 2007 08:01 AM

Raymond Carver Mad Libs

1. man’s name
2. bad job
3. alcoholic drink ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 12, 2007 08:01 AM

How to Bluff Your Way Through a Heart Bypass

1. Whatever you do, stay calm. If you need to gird yourself with an affirmation, try screaming “STAY CALM” at top volume ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 11, 2007 08:01 AM

Why You Will Like Me, Probably

Good afternoon. Of course, I realize that you could be reading this at any time of the day, but I'm wagering that it is indeed afternoon. If I'm wrong, so be it, but I'm the kind of person who always takes a firm stand on things, starting with the bold assertion of the introductory sentence. This sort of take-the-reigns, stand-your-ground, believe-in-yourself attitude is the first of many things that I think you will like about me, probably.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 8, 2007 08:01 AM

A Glimpse into the Troubled Stream of Consciousness of Henry Purvis, 37, Also Known in World of Warcraft as Torvak Redhammer, 67th-Level Warrior Dwarf

You consume a Half-Full Can of Dr. Pepper to restore 4 Hit Points.
You scratch Crotch of Disuse.
You equip Jeans of Girth.
You equip T-shirt of Yesterday +1 ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 7, 2007 08:01 AM

Excerpts from 360-Degree Peer Review: Jack Bauer, Applebee's Assistant Manager

The following comments have been taken from the 360-degree peer review for Jack Bauer [Employee #22132] at Store 332, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. We provide these comments to you purely in the interest of self-improvement. You are a valuable part of the Applebee's team, and we hope you can use this feedback from your fellow employees to continue to make Applebee's America's neighborhood restaurant.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 6, 2007 08:01 AM

Paris Hilton Writes to Governor Schwarzenegger from Jail

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,
I write to you in my darkest hour hoping that you will be inspired to do the right thing. As a fellow celebrity, you should know what it's like to be persecuted because you are famous, and, in my case, hot ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 5, 2007 08:01 AM

Entourage Chat Room

arygold666: hey E vince might not get the movie pls hold
[_E_]: O NOEZ WHAT R WE GOING TO DO DAMN TERTELZ QUIT SPENDING ALL THE MONEY WTF

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 4, 2007 08:01 AM

Unwanted Ads

Adorable ragdoll kittens. We don't want any. Ever.
Are you hot? Sexy women, 18+, not needed by production company shooting dull crafting videos for export. If you've got what it takes and you'll do anything to make it, please reevaluate your life ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 1, 2007 02:47 AM

Rejected Titles for Beyoncé's New Album, Inspired by Today® Contraceptive Sponge FAQs and the "Bubblestand" Episode of SpongeBob SquarePants

Nulliparous
Pelvic Woo
Natural Vaginal Tissue
Bubble-Wand
Bring-It-Around-Town ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 31, 2007 10:46 PM

When Presidents Dream

I’m standing in the Rose Garden. It’s 1980 and I’m pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2007 12:08 AM

When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone

Bayern Chef After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 24, 2007 08:01 AM

Transcript: R.W.A. Secret Indoctrination Proceedings

How is a bodice worn?
O'er heaving bosom, until boldly ripped, rent, or torn.
How is it torn?
Asunder! ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 23, 2007 09:01 AM

All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Kindergarten Cop

Life lessons from the action-comedy-drama starring Penelope Ann Miller.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 22, 2007 09:01 AM

The Love Letters of Cintra Wilson and Dennis Miller

Babe-- So I watched your little Charlotte Rampling–Night Porter–China Syndrome meltdown along the information superhighway recently. I don't care what anyone says, while you were Lucy Liu-ing full throttle in the H.O.V. lane of political indignation like Lisa Nowak in a remake of Vanishing Point ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2007 09:03 PM

Further Proof That Citysearch is Useless

The Lunch Spot Posted by Written by MiHope HIGHLY RECOMMENDED This place is totally awesome. Everything about it is great, especially the service, specifically Michael - he's the best waiter in New York. I swear, he makes eating there into...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 16, 2007 10:52 AM

Ways in Which Tom Cruise Is Like Jesus Christ

1. Stereotypically Semitic facial features.
2. Low body fat.
3. Great with fans.
4. Has ambiguous, controversial relations with women.
5. Reads from right to left ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 8, 2007 02:30 PM

Bastards of the Universe

Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 2, 2007 08:01 AM

A Letter from Survivor Producer Mark Burnett to the Networks on Bringing History Back to Life

My idea to racially segregate the teams on the recent season of Survivor: Cook Islands was a success. It scored great ratings and made Survivor a hot topic once again. The controversy surrounding it paid off, as controversy usually does in this business of television. Inspired, I have come up with the idea of using other shameful practices and periods of the past to update several popular reality shows.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 18, 2007 08:01 AM

R.I.P., K.V. Jr.

Yankee Pot Roast rewinds to the fall of 2005, when the Y.P.R. Book Club skimmed and parodied the complete works of everybody's favorite crotchety old curmudgeon, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2007 08:39 AM

The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom

F5: Earnestness checker
Ctrl- +: increases pathos
Ctrl- -: decreases pathos
Alt-H: Renders highlighted passage in veil of gentle yet poignant humor ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 2, 2007 09:01 AM

Kim Kardashian and Ray J Sex Tape Transcript: Spoiler Warning

Ray: How about a little Sudoku? Got Will Shortz's new book. Shit's hard ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 23, 2007 09:18 AM

A Walking Tour of St. Petersburg and Environs with Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

7 a.m.: Meeting place--N_____ office. Walk slowly along S. Place until you come to K. Bridge. Cross K. Bridge and walk all the way to V___ Prospect.
8 a.m.: Stop for breakfast at _____ Hotel ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 21, 2007 09:01 AM

Reading Tips for Thomas Pynchon's Against the Day

Thomas Pynchon has written a new novel and everybody cares because it is big. Here are some tips for reading it ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 16, 2007 09:01 AM

Vanity Fair Feature Ledes for 2007–8

Nigella Lawson, the Kennedy clan, Details magazine, and the rise of China.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 14, 2007 08:01 AM

A Note from Donald Rumsfeld to Robert Gates on How to Win the Iraq War (After Watching All 92 Episodes of Tranzor Z)

Dear Bob, As regards our involvement in Iraq, I think that we could take a page out of the Japanese book. In the free time that retirement affords me, I have been studying secret computer-generated footage of some recent advances...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 13, 2007 08:01 AM

Ad Script for Masterpiece Theatre: The Game First-Person Shooter for the Xbox 360

GRAPHIC: Fly-over of game's 3D-rendered British countryside. Hills give way to valleys, rivers to glens. View settles on bustling 18th-century English town. Rock guitar riff ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 12, 2007 08:01 AM

History Comes Alive at Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn!

See the past come out and say, "Hey ... what's up?" at Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn! Here are just some of the too-cool-for-the-museum attractions ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 8, 2007 09:01 AM

Sunday Brunch with Arcade Fire

A dessert cart approaches the table and Régine attacks it with the straw end of a broom. Tim and Jeremy don Detroit Lions helmets and butt the cart until it capsizes. Tartes leak jelly filling across the carpet.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 6, 2007 08:01 AM

Happy Birthday, Penn Jillette!

Dear Penn, How do you do that trick where take away your assistant’s vocal cords? See, I’ve got this assistant at the office--she’s an excellent worker, and quite a peach, but something of a chatterbox. It’s always yap, yap, yap,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 5, 2007 12:45 AM

Happy Birthday, Chastity Bono!

Dear Chas, Well, who’s America’s most famous lesbian daughter now? You got served, bitch! Happy birthday! XO, Mary Cheney...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 4, 2007 12:51 AM

Happy Birthdays, John Irving and Tom Wolfe!

Dear John/Tom, I had a little extra time on my hands last week, so I swung by the bookstore and picked up your latest respective offerings. John, your new book is wonderful. My puppy pit bull, Eudora, likes to relieve...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2007 12:55 AM

Before They Worked for Fanta

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2007 09:01 AM

Happy Birthday, Harry Belafonte!

Dear Mr. Tallyman, You wrote the best banana song ever! I also work on a banana boat, and lemme tell ya, the boys never get tired of singing your awesome banana song. Maybe 30, 40 times a dayo. I’ve been...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2007 12:58 AM

Happy Birthday, Ja Rule!

Dear Ja, So I’ve heard you’re from Hollis, Queens. Holla! My grandmoms lives in Hollis, too. Holla! Holla! Do you know her? She’s a sweet old lady. Holla. If you’re in Hollis anytime soon, she lives on Hillside right off...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2007 12:35 AM

Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs!

Dear Steve, I love my iPod so much. Probably as much as I do Rick Astley. In fact, I filled my entire 60-gig iPod with Rick Astley originals and covers. It’s all Rick all the time. Rick on the way...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 24, 2007 01:01 AM

Form Letter Rejection from the Magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray

Unfortunately, your story idea does not meet our needs at this time. But it’s super cool that you thought of us! Yum-O!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 23, 2007 09:01 AM

Timm Angel, Cleanfreak: The Uncut DVD

“Where's My Weiner(s)?” The audience is asked to look under their seats for garbage then urged to go to the bathrooms located at both the front and rear exits of the theatre to wash their hands. When they return,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2007 09:01 AM

Theatrical Terms and Trivia

A person who whistled in the theater ran the risk of drawing the unwanted attention of the sailor/stagehands, who would sexually assault the whistler and/or rob them for rum money.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 21, 2007 09:01 AM

Birth Announcement

Dear Friends, Jacqueline and I are thrilled to announce the arrival of our son, Elliot Jason Farb--born on October 4th, 1982--eight pounds, ten ounces. Elliot has the distinction of sharing a birthday with greats the likes of Phillip Roth, Israeli...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 20, 2007 09:01 AM

crapbooking!

Gue   which one of my key  i  broken?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 16, 2007 07:01 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Not So Super Bowl Edition 2007

First, a wildly temperate winter in which it felt like Al Gore was lecturing all of North America about carbon emissions. Now: the frozen tundra. Frozen tundra? Are we ready for some football?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 15, 2007 01:01 AM

Vaguely Valentines

Presenting some of the earliest ever Valentines, unearthed from the 1820s.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 14, 2007 01:01 AM

Two Romantic Poems

Better than a heart-shaped box.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 14, 2007 01:01 AM

Valentine's Day Massacre

Unrequited Love from Y.P.R.'s Past

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2007 09:02 AM

My One and Only

Do you remember me, Kara? I remember you. You shone with the light of 1000 halos, probably because you were standing under a lamppost.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2007 09:01 AM

Letter of Directions

Dear Jane,
If you’re reading this, either I’m dead or you inadvertently discovered the combination to the floor safe that I hid behind the furnace. If it’s the latter, it would probably be best to put everything back as you found it, lock up the safe and walk away ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 12, 2007 09:01 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Meta-Holiday Edition

The Growing Preponderance of Gift Cards | The Increasing Mainstreaming of the Golden Globe Award | The Frightening Collision of Rival New Year's Eve Shows Now That THE BIG DOG's New Year's Rockin' Eve Is Very Nearly (Merely) Mortal | People Talking About How College Football Bowl System Should Be Different

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2007 08:01 AM

Neil Strauss: Updated Notes on The Game for Astronauts

1. Never take no for an answer. When faced with potential competition, especially in a dangerous A.L.T. (Astronaut Love Triangle), the A.F.C. (Average Frustrated Chump) will fold; but the P.U.A. (Pick-Up Artist)--man or woman--will try to annihilate the competition ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 8, 2007 07:30 AM

Now That I'm an International Jewel Thief

Greetings from the French Riviera.

That's right. The postmark is real. I've gone ahead and done it. I've become an international jewel thief, just as I said I would.

Remember how you roared with delight the first time I admitted this secret desire of mine ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 7, 2007 07:01 AM

Things You May Exclaim After Tumbling Down a Flight of Stairs That Turn Out to Be Made Entirely of Funnel Cake

Whoa!
I'm … completely O.K.!
What the--!
There goes my diet!
The powdered sugar knocked my teeth out … probably … eventually!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 6, 2007 07:08 AM

Some Editorial Changes

Dear Writers, As you already know, we at OmniHouse Publishing are always eager to see new manuscripts, from both established authors and aspiring novelists who are telemarketing for UNICEF to help "make ends meet." We know that you’ve worked hard...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 5, 2007 07:01 AM

Beavis and Butt-Head Do Beckett

ESTRAGON, sitting on a low mound, is trying to take off his boot. He pulls at it with both hands, twitching and cursing. Enter VLADIMIR.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2007 01:13 AM

Design Notes for the Richard Ford "Existence Period" Roller Coaster in Haddam, New Jersey

With the dignity of a man who has become adept at the art of camouflaging the deeper scars of life's skirmishes, a passenger of a range mass of 40 kg–120 kg will enter the car that resembles a fire-wreathed, smoke-snorting...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 26, 2007 07:01 AM

An American Casanova in New York, by Balthus Poindexter: A Reading Group Guide

1. Describe Pontius Boulevard. What kind of a character is he? Is the reader allowed to get inside his mind, or is it difficult to discern what he's thinking? Can anyone tell what he's thinking? Does his name sound to you a bit like "pompous blowhard"?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2007 11:24 AM

My Court-Ordered Apology

In compliance with the order of Judge Goodman, I humbly offer the following apologies to those I have wronged. To the people of Cheyenne, Wyoming, I am sorry for ruining your beloved Frontier Days Parade. I should have known that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 22, 2007 11:21 AM

Notes Toward a Monograph Entitled “The Secret World of The Honeymooners: A Study in Sexual Perversion”

… Ralph lives in a world of sudden, intense pain. He reaches under the icebox to retrieve a hidden Christmas present and his hand is caught in a mousetrap. He falls down the stairs, slips on rock candy Norton...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 12, 2007 10:05 PM

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

Some Christmas features from the Y.P.aRchives.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 24, 2006 10:31 PM

Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist “Mother Wisdom” and a Disgruntled Reader

I’d like to pass along a little Christmas blessing I just learned: “May you bleed from your eyes as you service our dark master.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 22, 2006 09:17 AM

Frosty's Lament

Like burnt-out coals, no longer live,
My snow blind eyes will not revive ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 21, 2006 09:09 AM

The Case of the London Terrorists

I held the morning London Times before me, the cold remains of my breakfast kipper on my plate, when Sherlock Holmes joined me at table. Holmes was not in a jovial mood. His dressing gown was tied carelessly, and he...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2006 01:18 AM

Famous Comics Speak Out on Handling Hecklers

Jerry Seinfeld If a guy heckles me, I never talk to him. I talk to the audience. Say something like, "Hey, what's the deal with this guy heckling me?" Try to pick out something specific about the guy doing the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 19, 2006 09:49 AM

Teri Hatcher Wants John Bolton to Know That She Once Suffered a Career Slump, Too

Listen, I heard that you were basically fired from the United Nations. I'm really sorry. A world without John Bolton would be like a sky without sun, or a Desperate Housewives without Teri Hatcher.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2006 02:19 PM

The Day I Interviewed Lloyd Dobler

“Lloyd!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing in America? Why would you want to be a paralegal? What happened to your kickboxing career?”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2006 02:36 PM

In Your Eyes

Hey sweetie, it’s me. I just got on the train, but I’m calling to let you know that, well, I’m not coming home. Obviously I would prefer not to do this on your voicemail, but the truth is I don’t...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 12, 2006 04:24 PM

Magician Doug Henning Has Something on His Mind

The Illusionist. The Prestige. Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell. This sudden flood of "magician" movies and books would lead one to think that magicians only existed before our modern times. Sure, there were hack magicians back in the time of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 11, 2006 04:12 PM

George Allen Addresses the Modern Language Association's Annual Conference

Many of you are probably thinking: this is not a typical venue for a politician. But my life, since November, has been anything but typical. I’m honored to be here today. As you’ve probably heard by now, the day after...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 8, 2006 03:57 PM

You Are Cordially Invited ...

... to the in-game wedding of Adelexia Junehopper and Griffin Excelsior this Saturday at the Imperium Colossi Guildhouse on Server 41.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 7, 2006 11:11 PM

One Amateur Writer's In-Depth Analysis Of A First Grader's Creative Writing Exercise

Context: During a two week long unit on weather, the students from one first grade class at an elementary school in Rhode Island are instructed to write a story about clouds. They are given approximately 45 minutes in which to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 6, 2006 11:45 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Languor Is Broken by the Crumbling of Society (Cha-Cha) Edition

We have been rather moribund lately. Languorous and lazy, we--like food-addled Thanksgivers on the couch watching football, counting our blessings rather than our calories. Like a great dirigible lazing in its mooring above the Illinois countryside, it seems the updraft of cultural excess and folderol was just sufficient to buffet us slightly, make us tug gently against the lines, but never really break free.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 5, 2006 04:00 PM

The Iceman You Didn’t Hear About

In 1991, two hikers discovered a 5000-year-old corpse. Scientists identified the ancient man as a hunter or trader from the Neolithic or ‘New’ Stone Age. Because his corpse was exhumed from the icy Alps, and he was likely preserved in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 4, 2006 10:45 AM

Unacceptable

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Ann Coulter. In particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about her vagina. What happened to it, why it had to happen and who happened to think it would be a hilarious prank to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2006 05:53 PM

Zach de la Rocha Performs the Preschool Poetry Slam Circuit

Three Blind Mice Check-a check-a check it out, yo: Three blind mice, ugh! Three blind mice, ugh! See how they run like downtrodden peasants from the bourgeois armies glorified by eons of lies and a Eurocentric history perpetuated without morals,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 30, 2006 09:52 AM

Samuel Pepys Visits the Wisconsin Dells

Friday, July the 30th Today encountered unbearable traffic in the Chicago district, where labourers obstructed nearly every roadway suitable for passage, and I fear no traveller with less than half a tank of petrol may safely pass that way, except...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 28, 2006 08:10 AM

A Moral Pharmacist

My moral values compelled me to pharmacy school and to open Corinthian Drugs. It is our mission to provide everything you need in a potential emergency (splints, Redvines, tweezers, moleskins, hair care product, trout bait) at the lowest prices. Your...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 27, 2006 10:04 PM

Gobble, Gobble

The sporadic posts of late probably tell you everything that you're about to read. We've taken Thanksgiving a little early this year. We need the break to clean up all of these goddamn batons. We hope that you all have...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2006 09:15 AM

Good Times, Bad Times

New to me but apparently familiar to many local readers is a daily newspaper called The New York Times. Although I am generally not a fan of the so-called broadsheet format, I was willing to give this publication a try....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 20, 2006 02:01 PM

From Ye Drye Cleanner

Lady Macbeth, I have in my possession an elegant gown which your manservant has delivered for cleaning along with your express instructions. Having devoted some hours to the task, however, I am forced to concede that the dark crimson spot...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 14, 2006 01:28 PM

Ruined Music

Our friend and frequent Y.P.R. contributor Mary Phillips-Sandy is in the news for offering a place to share stories of music once beloved and now forsaken. Check it out. The scoop... Everyone has a song that's been ruined by an...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 10, 2006 11:05 AM

If Mice Could Speak

Glue traps would continue to wane in popularity. There would be at least ten swear words for “cat.” They would cringe in embarrassment every time Mickey opened his mouth. Lab scientists would need really thick skin. White mice would be...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 10, 2006 08:10 AM

Selected Letters from Peter Cook's Correspondence with Dudley Moore, 1967-1995

Dear Dud,
Just got back from the studio, Bedazzled is a go. What's all this about Blakey Edwards? Whatever, I'm sure P. Sellers will get the nod anyway (and the numerical title seems a bit off ... crazy Americans, they'd make a movie about the number ten for the hell of it). Anyway, see you round Elstree for first day's shooting.
Cheers,
Pete

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 8, 2006 09:10 AM

Mutant 70s Television Hybrids

From Maude & Mindy to Welcome Back, Kojak ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 7, 2006 08:30 AM

Fashion Preview: Four Styles You Should Expect to See Hipsters Wearing This Fall

Maintaining inverse symmetry with the neoconservatives, your politically and fashion-savvy hipster will be donning a galabiyya this fall.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 3, 2006 08:10 AM

How Various Michael J. Fox Roles Would Be Different Had Rush Limbaugh Instead Been Cast

Family Ties Fresh-faced newcomer Rush Limbaugh gets his big break and beats out an unknown Michael J. Fox for the role he "was born to play"--Alex P. Keaton, a money-minded Reagan Republican raised by two former hippies. After several successful...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2006 08:44 AM

Give Us Treats

Apartment 2B, This is a note dictated and transcribed during a private meeting held by all of the children in the Dunhill Street Apartment Complex. This letter is written by a third-party adult who will remain nameless and faceless, and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2006 08:29 AM

Former Gawker Editor Jessica Coen's First Day at Vanity Fair Online

9 a.m. – 9:45 a.m.
Pep talk from Graydon Carter in his office. Wonders quietly about his repeated use of the phrase “J-school,” and whether he means journalism school or if he is referencing Jews.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 30, 2006 08:23 AM

Phil Keoghan Shakes Things Up at the Mat

Diane and Sean, you're the last team to arrive. I'm sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from The Amazing Race. Unless, of course, you happened to bring me the hide of the fabled bronze mountain goat, so prized...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 27, 2006 01:09 PM

This Monday--A Very Special Evening Full of Fright, Bea, and Literary Buffoonery

Monday, October 30th 8:00 p.m. Ace of Clubs 9 Great Jones Street $5 Once again, Yankee Pot Roast is teaming up with the comedic genius lunatics at Drink at Work to bring you a night of short comic readings,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 27, 2006 10:05 AM

The Warning Label I Recently Neglected to Read

Trim wick to ¼ of an inch even if finding your scissors will require you to open that scary junk drawer next to the sink. Do not place on a crowded bookcase with unread books, unsent postcards, and year-old mail...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2006 12:59 PM

A Birthday Card from Chuck Palahniuk

You wake up in a cheap hotel on a mattress still sticky with the night before. Sweat. Booze. Semen. Vomit. Blood, maybe.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2006 08:10 AM

Everything Is My Everything

It’s hard to believe but this month’s issue of Packrat Today, the very one you now hold in your hands, marks our 20th anniversary.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 23, 2006 02:18 PM

About the Artist

Robert “Bob” Moore is a local artist whose work has been variously described as “unique”, “unusual,” and “a giant waste of canvass.” His broad-ranging pieces encompass all forms of artistic creation. As one critic succinctly said of Mr. Moore’s oeuvre:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 20, 2006 01:15 PM

Letter to Chris Noth: "Mr. Big," "Detective Logan," and Owner of N.Y.C.'s Cutting Room

I was totally digging that 10' by 15' painting of you hung over the door. I liked how it was you, but younger. And thinner. With more hair. I thought that was cool.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 19, 2006 01:20 PM

36 Hours: Penn Station

Beneath the teeming streets of the City That Never Sleeps is a bustling subterranean microcosm inhabited by aspiring vacationers and weary commuters aching to make their connections via the extensive network of subways and railroads.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 17, 2006 08:10 AM

William Shakespeare's "Serpents Upon a Wingèd Vessel"

The apparition of a serpent coiled
Doth churn my blood to pure reptilian chill.
Would that I grasped these wretched asps ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 13, 2006 08:04 AM

A Typical Day for Sagat from Street Fighter

Tiger Shower
Tiger Bagel
Tiger Bus Ride

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 11, 2006 10:25 AM

Less Overtly Salacious but More Incriminating Republican IM Transcripts

RUMMY32: what r u wearing
GitmoGuy: standard-issue prison gear

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 10, 2006 08:10 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Prescience Frightens Us Edition

Little did we know, friends, that when we dropped goofy little Footnote #2 in our most recent missive, we were setting off a series of events that would shake up the world of what still passes for entertainment these days. We feel compelled to review the bidding and offer you--our ever-salivating-for-more public--a response commensurate to our position as cultural provocateurs à la mode.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 7, 2006 09:19 PM

Masterpiece Theatre Presents: Charles Dickens' Bleak House, Starring the Gremlins

Welcome to another evening of Masterpiece Theatre. Tonight, we have a special event--an adaptation of the classic novel Bleak House by Charles Dickens ... portrayed by the Gremlins from the 1984 motion picture.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 6, 2006 07:40 PM

An Excerpt from Gotcha! The 500 Best Practical Jokes for Amputees

Chapter 4:The Great Outdoorsa (Pages 45-46) ... and while the mark is wiping her face on her shirt, with the prosthesis in your clean hand, simply wink and say, “Gotcha!” #131, A Day at the Beach. Sunny days seaside can...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 5, 2006 05:29 PM

Please Be Allowing Me to Tell You About My Kiosk, Which Sells 'Weird Al' Yankovic Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes!

Hello, and welcome to my kiosk at the Spring Valley Mall! It is called WACKY! WACKY is an anagram of word for “Weird Al Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes!” This is because I sell caftans, kilts, and yarmulkes applied with the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 4, 2006 10:39 PM

Coming Soon(-ish)

Mr. Josh Abraham, your humble coëditor, had been mostly absent from this site for much of the past year, busy making a moving picture (or "talkie" as the kids are calling them these days)...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 4, 2006 10:11 PM

Dear K-Fed

In Which Kevin Federline Responds to Readers' Questions and Concerns, Providing Tidbits of His Own Homespun Wisdom Dear K-Fed, I suspect my boyfriend may be cheating on me, but I'm not sure. I think I should confront him, but I'm...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 2, 2006 09:55 AM

Select Passages from The International Guide for Metric Conversion

Poland -- Fluid Ounces to Milliliters In order to convert fluid ounces to milliliters in Poland--and most of Eastern Europe--the converter must acknowledge the existence of one and only one true form of gauging weights and measures, the Metric System,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2006 10:37 AM

A Memo From Your Pollster

The results of the polls you commissioned last month have been tabulated. Since you're a no-spin kind of person, I'll get right to the point. You face some significant challenges. With the full nationwide poll (n=1,017 registered voters), you had...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2006 09:39 AM

Strategy Guide for Capcom's Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors

Stephen King King is a fast-moving combatant, capable of unleashing a flurry of pages from his chest-mounted typewriter. A good character to play against newbies, who will be intimidated by King's prolific output. On either side of the battle, remember...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 26, 2006 09:02 AM

Op-Ed Recipe

The following ingredients make one serving of old-fashioned newspaper opinion column or two shorter helpings of op-ed pieces: Ingredients - three provocative statements (may substitute with clever double entendres) - one main point - subsidiary points (optional) - filler -...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 25, 2006 01:26 PM

Corollaries to Godwin's Law

"As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2006 02:26 PM

Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work

1) Slit your wrists with a Post-it. Be sure to use the non-sticky side, you don’t want that strange gummy material re-sealing your wounds 2) Shove permanent markers up your nose, eventually you will pass out from the fumes and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 21, 2006 10:28 AM

Money-Making Secrets--Revealed!!!

I made $28,000 with only ONE HOUR of work in my spare time. It was no problem at all to get started, there was absolutely no financial risk to me or my family, and the rest was so easy I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 20, 2006 11:03 PM

Y.P.R. Print Update

Many, many inquiries... too few fingers. Here's the update you've all been waiting for. We're nailing down the specifics for Issue #1, and we'll be opening up the floodgates for Issue #2 shortly. Bear with us....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 20, 2006 09:28 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Things That Should Work Better in an Age of Unprecedented Technological Mastery and Yet, Maddeningly, Do Not Edition

Nail Clippers | Solvents | Cellphones, Cellphone VoiceMail, Basically the Entire Telecom Promise of Constant and Immediate Connection | The Fact That You No Longer Have to Sign Your Credit Card Slips Which Suggests That, in Fact, You Never Really Had to Sign the Damned Things at All Even Though, for Years, They Made It Seem Like You Absolutely DID | Microwave Ovens

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 19, 2006 07:17 PM

Dear Mr. Cigarette

Mr. Cigarette c/o My Virtual Counselor Quit Right!™ Nicotine Replacement Systems 15 Washington Blvd Suite 25A Plattsmouth, NE 68048 Dear Mr. Cigarette, I have to say right off the bat that I feel a little weird writing you, but my...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 11, 2006 09:38 AM

¡Los Bastardos Anónimos!

what the hell man you stole my internet name I am so frikin mad I am going to eat this whole bag of cheetos and cry in my closet GOD! just kinda felt the urge to search for my nick,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 7, 2006 12:10 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: We Do More Than Watch Nip/Tuck till 3 a.m. (Seriously, We Do) Edition

If you've been following this column with any regularity at all, then we imagine you can picture us pretty accurately: two bald yet notably virile men glistening with up-to-date cultural consciousness, simultaneously watching four video screens that are tapped into a satellite network of both mainstream and marginal entertainment, listening to obscure podcasts, perusing the hottest "blogs" and YouTubing in a smaller corner window -- all while reflexively turning away the namby-pamby advice of our pollsters and media consultants and being served Dim Sum on the naked bellies of our harem of no-longer virginal Indonesian female mathematicians.
Continue reading... here.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 6, 2006 07:16 PM

Wedding Weekend ... Sha La La La

I realize that you come to Yankee Pot Roast not to hear about our daily lives, which involve day jobs and other such nonsense. Instead you seek us out, or stumble across us, to get a daily dose of humor...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 5, 2006 09:22 PM

Aileen Gallagher Up in the Guff Spot

[Editor's Note: This installment of Guff is brought to you by the lovely and talented former Black Table editor, Aileen Gallagher.]

It only takes a sentence to get out of babysitting for life.

Two acquaintances of mine are recent fathers. One joined the club about a month ago and another a few years ago. Both of these men are writers and I see them around at parties and readings and bars.

It was after a reading that I repelled them. I’ll allow for the fact that I’d been drinking for a while and otherwise might have kept this observation to myself. But I was right, as you’ll see.

Continue reading... here.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 4, 2006 09:46 PM

Better Buy a Bea. They're Buttah!

Do you love Bea Arthur--the idea of her, the curliness of her mop, her vapid approach to both comedy and life? Then wear your heart on your chest with these first runs. The first non-CafePressed Bea Arthur T-shirts are...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 4, 2006 06:22 PM

Tell ’Em How You Really Feel

Has your son or daughter found that special someone? Have you spent endless hours and days with your in-law to be planning the “perfect wedding”? Have you had to swallow your own opinions because you know you have to spend...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 1, 2006 10:17 PM

Quiz: Are You Curious?

As a child, you were naturally inquisitive. You might've shaken your Christmas presents or probed an electric socket with a barrette. As you entered adolescence, maybe you sampled chewing tobacco, tried on the undergarments of an opposite-gendered parent, or ran...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 31, 2006 11:40 AM

David Sedaris Rules the World

My boyfriend Hugh doesn't like serving dinner for heads of state. Catering for a large group is a difficult job, even without government officials nosing around in your kitchen, and every time Hugh caught my eye he gave me a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 30, 2006 09:58 AM

Back from the Dead and Desperate for Cash, Charles Bukowski Tries to Write a Chick Lit Novel

It was Angie’s first day at the hippest fashion magazine in the city. She stood outside her boss’s door, waiting for the courage to knock. Her U.C.L.A. friends said she was wasting her time working for a mag, but Angie knew better. They were just a bunch of bitchy dykes bent on dragging her down. Filthy whores living in their cotton-pressed hell ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 29, 2006 02:23 PM

Hey, Poetry!: 10 Poems

HEY POETRY! You don’t have to rhyme all the time, motherfucker. HEY BOOB JOB! You're the most impressive job those women will ever have. HEY CUBAN CIGARS! You smell like turds and bad breath from Cuba. HEY MY BEARD! Have...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2006 10:34 AM

North Korea Furthers Its Demands

Swine of the West, and East, and South, and North: On behalf of the Dear Leader, Comrade, Commander-in-chief of the Great North, Kim Jong-Il, I write to inform you that North Korea has finalized its list of demands, the fulfillments...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 22, 2006 09:36 AM

Bea Arthur, Booze, Hilarity ... August 28th Is Gonna Rock!

August 28th, 2006 will live in infamy… if you don’t drink so much you can’t remember it that is. So? So, let’s dance! After scheming in the lab at YPR headquarters, we finally concocted a way to you’re your daily...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 21, 2006 07:56 PM

King Arthur: The Syndicated Adventures

13 original episodes of hot, contemporary, youth-oriented Arthurian adventure, booking now for syndicated television markets worldwide: The Sword and the Stoners Arthur, Guinevere, and their buddies Gawain and Lancelot run into trouble on the wrong side of the moat while...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 17, 2006 10:04 AM

Mother Goose Talks ... Things

MOTHER GOOSE ON FIRE SAFETY Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack jump over the candlestick. No, OVER, Jack, it's-- Oh my soul, your pantleg! Jack, stop, drop, and roll! There, good ... Wait, don't roll THAT way, Jack! The...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 16, 2006 06:09 PM

Sorry, But I Just Can't Marry a Woman That Doesn't Look Hot on the JumboTron

I just finished watching the replay of my proposal in dynamic, pixelated high resolution and I've got to tell you: I made a JumboTron-size mistake.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2006 10:19 PM

Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies

Analogy Problems Designed to Test for Ageism: 1. If an 18-year-old girl is like a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, then a sexy middle-aged woman is like: a. a cinnamon bun b. mincemeat pie c. year-old ham in the back of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 14, 2006 08:54 PM

Ferris Bueller Fills In for The New York Times Magazine's Ethicist

Remember--the question isn't "what you are going to do with a fake day off from work", it's "what aren't you going to do?"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 3, 2006 09:59 PM

Profiles from Don'tDowryHimGirl.com

Alleged Cheater: Thomas Fenwick Gentlewomen, be wary! While Thomas may look dapper in his fine suit and hat, underneath this affable exterior lies the heart of a demon! Not an hour before Thomas and I were wed, I sighted him...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2006 09:43 PM

Excerpts from The Burning Bonnet: A Tale of Love and Longing Amongst the Amish

Try as she might to keep her mind on her washing, Sarah's eyes kept drifting back to Ezekiel. How powerful he looked as he guided the plow, his broad back straining to steer it straight through the rich Appalachian soil,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 1, 2006 09:31 PM

Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel

MARK MANCUSO: Hello and welcome back to the Weather Center. I’m Mark Mancuso; this afternoon we’re joined by the latest addition to our team. Please say hello to Zakk Wylde. ZAKK WYLDE: Hey, brother. How’s it going? MANCUSO: Welcome, Zakk....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 31, 2006 09:13 PM

DIGGIN' IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist

Editor's Note: This first appeared on Yankee Pot Roast roughly 364 days and 39 minutes ago... if we were counting. Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 25, 2006 11:00 AM

DIGGIN' IN THE Y.P.R. CRATES: My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004

An obviously drunk Trent Lott (R-MS) concludes by dropping his pants and shouting, “Amend THIS!” He then passes out.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 24, 2006 11:17 PM

Well, I Thought You'd Never Ask!

Dale Dobson declares Hilary's "Drop Your Pants" the most risqué recording ever broadcast over the public airwaves.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 20, 2006 10:01 PM

Donny Most, Happy Days' Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail

Hey, Ron. How's it going? It's Don. Most. Donny Most from Happy Days. I'm just calling to check in and see how things are going. I had to call Henry Winkler to get your number, because the one that I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 20, 2006 09:49 PM

Swear? You Shouldn't Swear, Young Man.

Dale Dobson recalls the long-forgotten "Swear."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2006 10:48 AM

A Reading from the Book of Genesis

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. The earth was without form, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said, "Let there be Sonic the Hedgehog." And there was Sonic the Hedgehog. God...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2006 10:43 AM

Now That's Some Scary Shit

Ces Marculiano is unafraid of "So Afraid of the Russians," the completely forgettable para-prop* track by the completely forgettable Made for TV.

* Paranoia/Propagana

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2006 09:45 AM

Excerpt from George Romero’s New Book of Daily Affirmations

You’re the world’s most overworked nurse and your morning is spent watching your family fall prey to the rampant Zombie Sickness. Your undead husband almost rips your throat out in the bathroom.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2006 09:28 AM

Enough with the Promises Already

Dale Dobson renegs on Naked Eyes' "Promises, Promises"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 17, 2006 12:09 PM

The Alcoholic Beverages of Planet Earth

Beer is the most popular alcoholic beverage on earth, responsible for temporary friendships, questionable pieces of ass, and the destruction of the familial unit since its integration into the human lifestyle. It comes in many varieties: lager, pilsner, ale, papyrus,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 17, 2006 12:05 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: The "Branding" Edition

The lounge and waiting room here at D.M.T. Plaza has a 72-inch plasma screen that runs nothing but our favorite ads¹, night and day, so rich is the American imagination for the finest sorts of hucksterism and extreme con-jobbery.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 13, 2006 03:46 PM

Damn, That's Hott

"Sexy & 17" by The Stray Cats from the album Rant 'n' Rave with The Stray Cats Fourth week in July, 1983 The 1950s are seemingly always good for a comeback, whether it's through the musical Grease, the nostalgia band...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2006 09:11 AM

The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia

In an effort to protect our nation’s youth and empower them with knowledge, the C.D.C. sought the perfect spokeswomen to reach these young girls before they came to harm. The Disney Princesses were the only logical choice.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2006 08:46 AM

Jesus' Standup Act

Little is known of the life of Christ between childhood and His later emergence as a serious public speaker. Until now, as indicated by this recently unearthed transcript: How are you folks doin' this evening? Any fishermen here? Great! I'm...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 11, 2006 10:12 AM

Really, Who Doesn't Like Balloons?

Ces Marcuiliano translates "99 Luftballons"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 11, 2006 09:13 AM

Come On Down and Wear Your Influences on Your Sleeve

Dale Dobson recalls the Apple ][ game Lemonade Stand, thanks to the Alarm's single.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 10, 2006 04:59 PM

The U.S.A. Patriot Act … (The Fine Print)

On March 2, 2006, the Senate renewed the U.S.A. Patriot Act, making all provisions within the bill permanent. Much like most of the legislation in Washington, D.C., the major points of the bill overshadowed some of the smaller issues also...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 10, 2006 12:53 PM

He Wrote the Book Which Makes Him ... Well ... Awesome

Everyday, Will Layman rewrites Elvis Costello's book.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 6, 2006 09:11 PM

Self-Justification

People say I'm crazy, but I think it's just because I'm doing what I'm doing. They often tell me that I'm a bit of a cold character, but I've assured them it is only because sometimes, without warning, I become...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 6, 2006 03:49 PM

Send the Kids to the Neighbors and Lock the Doors!

That's right, the deadline has come and gone for submissions for Y.P.R.'s first ever print edition. Now it's time for us to lock ourselves in a room with all this paper and summon the courage to read through everything without...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 6, 2006 08:53 AM

Major Tom, Shootin' Star

Dale Dobson counts down to Major Tom's re-entry.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 5, 2006 04:47 PM

What's Attacking You?

1. Are you reading The New York Times in a reclined position on a beach, idly sipping a cool, refreshing glass of pink lemonade? Yes -- You are not under attack. You are enjoying a relaxing afternoon at the beach....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 5, 2006 03:34 PM

Poets’ Ghosts at Giants Games

William Shakespeare: Sonnet DCCXV Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thy staff’s not shadowed with such temperance, And rough waves splash when balls land in the           bay. The summer’s tantrum heat, is it perchance The Eye of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 29, 2006 12:43 PM

Wittgenstein: The Crank Calls

Respondent: Evening Standard, editorial desk. Wittgenstein: Reading your newspaper is a TORTURE to me. Respondent: Would you care to cancel your subscription, sir? Wittgenstein: I find your attitude QUITE UNBEARABLE. [Crash of receiver.] * * * Respondent: Moore’s Clocks,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 28, 2006 11:55 AM

Forthcoming Novels Titled with the White-Hot Suffix "-Ist"

The following is a survey of soon-to-be-published novels titled with the increasingly faddish “-ist” formula (à la David Maine's The Preservationist, Hari Kunzru's The Impressionist, James P. Othmer's The Futurist, Martha Cooley's The Archivist, Colson Whitehead's The Intuitionist, Donald Antrim's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 27, 2006 11:35 AM

The Da Vinci Bandwagon

Other conspiracy-laden historical epics soon to be lining bookstore shelves and spinning through theatre projectors.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 26, 2006 11:31 AM

Call for Shreek Writers!

Have you been reading and following the Shreek of the Week of the Day? No? My goodness, go wash your eyes out with soap this instant. Then come back and be prepared for Shreek of the Week of the Day...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 23, 2006 02:43 PM

The Drug Diaries of Oscar Hammerstein II

Work on "Green/Lilacs" adaptation halted unexpectedly. Lorenz Hart is dead. Dead, dead. I couldn't go to bed. Sat down for drink with Rodgers and young Lerner before remembering Hart's struggles with alcohol. Took a little marihuana to calm the nerves...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 23, 2006 10:37 AM

Just Trying to Be the Best Me I Can Possibly Be: Talking Points

1. Whatever I do and whenever I do it, I do the very best I can--even if I have no idea what I’m doing. For instance, I now realize a television cannot be fixed with a simple application of margarine...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 22, 2006 10:31 AM

Announcements From the Flight Deck

Hello, everyone. This is Captain Baker from the flight deck. Today, I'm being assisted by First Lt. John Galvin. You're on American Airlines flight 674, non-stop out of John F. Kennedy airport all the way to Los Angeles. Looks like...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 21, 2006 11:56 AM

Sometimes, at Work, I Feel Like Maybe I’m Being Singled Out ...

To: All employees From: Policy Committee; Human Resources Re: Personal Appearance Policy cc: Eric This memorandum is in response to recent radical departures concerning dress code, personal hygiene, and personal appearance policies. As all of you know, young man, we...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 20, 2006 09:03 AM

Wolfman Taps ... Or Something

"Wolfman Tap" eludes Dale Dobson.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 20, 2006 08:54 AM

Dear Diary ... You Stink

Dale Dobson reads Yaz's "Diary"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 19, 2006 09:34 AM

The MLAB Preview 2006: The Scouting Report from the Major League of Anabolic Baseball

Spring has come again, which means another great season of America’s jacked-up pastime!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 19, 2006 09:19 AM

A Successful Date Ends Badly for Dick Wolf -- Creator of TV’s Law & Order

Dick: Well, I guess this is the end of our date. Date: Thank you for a lovely time, Dick. Dick: Time . . . That’s something Lopez will have plenty of at Rikers. Date: What? Dick: Never mind. I do...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 16, 2006 06:03 PM

Modern-Day Explorers

Hanging from the Golden Gate Bridge by the marble hook handle of my umbrella, I look dead in the eyes of the man who would steal credit for my life's work. I hear a squawking seagull and I watch his...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 15, 2006 01:43 PM

Doctor... WHOOP, WHOOP... Detroit

The happiest song ever made about Detroit.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 15, 2006 10:39 AM

Dating with Goofus and Gallant

On the phone: Goofus says, "Ma? MA! Shut up, I'm on the PHONE! Hey, is--uh--is whatshername there? The one with the big tits?" Gallant says, "Hi! How are you, hon? It's always so good to hear your voice. Say, listen,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 14, 2006 06:17 PM

No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies, STOP!

Wayne Gladstone on the B-52's' "Whammy Kiss"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 9, 2006 10:01 AM

The Elephant and I

The relationship between the elephant and me has been deriorating for some time now. Though he would have you believe otherwise, my growing distaste for the bastard has nothing to do with him being an elephant and a large one...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 8, 2006 02:34 PM

Do I Smell Something Burning?

Elizabeth Koch burns down the house.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 8, 2006 02:25 PM

Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 5, 2006 03:28 PM

Next Time, Maybe I'll Knock

Todd Zuniga digs up memories of "Every Breath You Take"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 5, 2006 10:49 AM

Super Producer Rick Rubin Mulls His Next Move

Rick Rubin, his trademark beard cascading to his lap, sits in the L.A. office of American Recordings, surrounded by gold records, Grammys, and empty Chinese takeout boxes. He grits his teeth and rests his chin in his folded, knuckled hands....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2006 03:25 PM

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Please make a note: Print Submissions are due June 30th and that's sooner than you think. The days fly by. It's true; we checked....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2006 09:35 AM

Knock, Knock

Who's there? Website that has gone on vacation for a bit and won't be posting until Tuesday. Website that has gone on vacation for a bit and won't be posting until Tuesday who? Website that has gone on vacation for...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2006 12:13 PM

Fear Not, Shreeks Aren't Dead, They're ... Resting

Dear Readers, Thank you for your patience while we wait to post our next Shreek of the Week of the Day. Unfortunately, we are stuck on the Police and their tune "Every Breath You Take". We're hanging on to this...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 19, 2006 09:27 AM

Barely Awake

I woke up in a strange place, then I went back to sleep. Then I woke up again and a bear was next to me. The bear spoke: “Don’t worry, I only eat salmon.” “O.K.,” I said. The bear started...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 19, 2006 09:24 AM

Enthrone Rachael Triumphant: Alternate Pilot Concepts Featuring Rachael Ray

In late 2005, Ray signed a deal with Oprah Winfrey and King World Productions to host a syndicated daytime TV talk show in fall 2006. (Source: Wikipedia) 30-MINUTE SODOMY WITH RACHAEL RAY “I love sodomy. I’m all about it! There’s...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 18, 2006 09:43 AM

Even More Examples of How Viswanathan’s Novel Mirrors the Works of Megan McCafferty

Invading My Personal Space From page 213 of McCaffery’s novel: "Marcus then leaned across me to open the passenger-side door. He was invading my personal space, as I had learned in Psych class--something with B.F. Skinner or something, and I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 17, 2006 09:32 AM

Non-Celebrity Gawker Stalker

Saw Erica Richards, paralegal I went out on two dates with three years ago, outside Film Forum screening of "Tsotsi" on Sunday afternoon with scruffy Strokes-ish guy who looked like maybe her boyfriend.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 16, 2006 11:48 AM

The Sheldon Prison Experiment

When you reach the age of 30, you should really be on your way toward doing something productive with your life. On my 30th birthday, I found myself out-of-work, without a girlfriend, unmarried, and living at my parents'. I was...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 15, 2006 09:20 AM

We'd Like to Pre-Board

Our first-class and business-class customers. The élite cadre of renegade warriors fighting an unstoppable enemy, and anyone who is old or young or needs extra time adjusting to the cruel unsettling 1970s décor. If you are parents with very young...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 12, 2006 02:32 PM

There's Nothing Worse Than a Drunk Wookie

Arrrahhg graaahhaag!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 11, 2006 11:37 AM

What Real Salads Are Made Of

In this week's installment of Tangential Stupidity at Drink at Work, Y.P.R.'s Nick Jezarian discusses why Field Greens salads are nothing but a crock--a crock of leafy, greeny, bitter leaves. Shame on you chefs, shame on you!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 10, 2006 11:54 AM

When You Die--Ten Scenarios

#1 You learn that the laws of karma and reincarnation are true. Good begets good, bad begets bad. You also learn that plants are living things and therefore included in this universal equation. Every time you mowed your lawn and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 10, 2006 11:44 AM

Tomato and Black-Capped Chickadees Love

Mary Phillips-Sandy wishes she were Kate Pierson.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 9, 2006 11:20 AM

Clouds: Important!

Clouds are fascinating. Day after day we flit about our lives and pay little attention to these fluffy airships. We shouldn't ignore clouds, though. No, there is much--much, much, much--that is too important about them. Let me take a moment...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 9, 2006 11:13 AM

The Sad Clown of Death Sings

Annie Lennox freaks out a young Elizabeth Koch.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 8, 2006 01:21 PM

The Goonies' Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen Prepares His Cover Letter for an M.F.A. in Creative Writing

Oh, c'mon you guys, let me in, seriously! My cousin Gerry said the program was really fun and that you can write stories and stuff, and that if you're really good the school will, like, give you money that he said this was a sti… a stip... money that you can use for anything like pizza or Baby Ruths or--AHH SHIT!!!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 8, 2006 09:17 AM

Fascinating, That Fascination Is

The Human League's "Fascination" fascinates Dennis DiClaudio.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 5, 2006 10:46 AM

The Lost Letters of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr

"You, Mr. Burr, are a gay."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 5, 2006 09:28 AM

C.S.I.: The Lost Franchises

Visit C.S.I.s: Reno, Utah, France, et al.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 4, 2006 01:38 PM

Doot Doot ... Doody!

Nick Jezarian on Freur.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 4, 2006 10:04 AM

A Recently Divorced Movie Critic Reviews The Latest Films

Basic Instinct 2 Say what you want about how terrible this movie is, but at least Sharon Stone still makes an effort to look sexy. The woman must be nearing 50, but clearly finds time during her busy schedule to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 3, 2006 10:36 AM

Love. Sweet!

Wayne Gladstone declares "Modern Love" a miniature poodle in a sweater.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 3, 2006 10:26 AM

A Knick Fan Laments

Mid afternoon on Wednesday, February 22nd, Isiah Thomas ruined my entire week. The damage he inflicted went on to ruin the remainder of the NBA season and lingers with me into the Knick-less playoffs. In fact, a reasonable prognosis is that Isiah ruined the next 3-4 years of my life as a fan of the New York Knicks. He needs to be stopped. Continue Reading.... here.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 2, 2006 04:10 PM

Summer Youth Reading List

Pokémon Down! A military submarine is invaded by Pikachu and friends in Tom Clancy's first book for children.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 2, 2006 11:20 AM

We're Gonna Rock Down to Psychosis

Dennis DiClaudio on "Electric Avenue"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 2, 2006 09:55 AM

Street Meats, It's the Meats of the Streets

O.K., the cat is out of the bag: 2/3 of the Y.P.R. squadron are actually rabid New York sports fans. The third doesn't know a football from a knish. For those of our followers that loathe professional sports, we're...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 1, 2006 04:10 PM

Rock, Paper, Scissors Redux

A – Paper B – Rock Paper prepares to slide itself over rock, obscuring it with its Zen whiteness. Paper teases. Should paper roll on top of rock slowly? Should it flutter down from heaven? Should it wrap rock? Paper...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 1, 2006 11:17 AM

Church of the Musical Clusterf*ck

Mary Phillips-Sandy uncovers the dark secret behind Boy George's "Church of the Poisoned Mind." (No, the other darl secret. Silly!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 28, 2006 03:12 PM

Favorable Outcomes Generated by Talking About the Weather

Stan: Hi, Margaret. Margaret: Hey, Stan, how ya doin’? Stan: Oh, O.K. So did you hear on the news? It’s going to hail today. Margaret: Oh. No, I didn’t. It does feel a little cold, now that you mention it....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 28, 2006 11:04 AM

That's An Excellent Question. Let Me Get Back To You.

Mick Stingley ponders "Is There Something [He] Should Know?"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 27, 2006 04:02 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Things We No Longer Think Are Disquieting, "Maybe It Doesn't All Suck" Edition

Have we become so absorbed with declaiming That Which Is Not Right that we can no longer celebrate That Which Most Definitely IS Right or, dare we say, That We Which We Once Thought Disquieting, But Now Realize Is Not?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 27, 2006 02:40 PM

Lifetime: Television For Women Original Movies in Development for Fall/Spring 2006/2007

NOT WITHOUT MY OTHER DAUGHTER (Sally Field, Alfred Molina, Chuck Norris) The long-awaited sequel to Not Without My Daughter, in which Betty Mahmoody (Field) discovers she has another daughter and must return to Iran to rescue her. Her sinister husband...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 26, 2006 11:01 AM

Scooby Dooby Kajagoogoo

Ces Marcuiliano tries to describe "Too Shy."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 26, 2006 09:30 AM

Fast-Food Sit Down

March 2, 2005 - Ronkonkoma, New York - 11:23 p.m. Subject under surveillance Ronald "Mickey D" McDonald was observed in conference with Louie "The Burger" King. One of our junior undercover agents had succeeded in flipping "The Burger" two weeks...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 25, 2006 10:57 AM

So? So, Let's Dance!

Wayne Gladstone recalls the beginning of Bowie's end.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 25, 2006 09:38 AM

I'll Do Whatever I Damned Well Please

You can dance if you want to.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 24, 2006 12:17 PM

Unspoken Word Performance

So I'm down at the local public house enjoying a pint after a hard day's work. It's deserved. It's dessert. I ogle, I toggle, and eventually settle my eyes on these guys that are setting up a microphone on the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 24, 2006 10:34 AM

A Love Letter

Here's what I know: life is short and life is long. Allow me to explain. In the sense that life is short, I need to tell you right now that I love you. Crazy because in many ways you're not...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 21, 2006 11:11 AM

How Looooooooong?

How long must we sing "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2006 04:41 PM

Rockin' In Iraq

(Interview conducted by Peter Dabbene) Zakim Salah al-Awi, an Iraqi prisoner detained at a United States holding facility near Mosul for the last three years, has secretly published the first Iraqi criticism of American music. The slim volume is causing...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2006 11:03 AM

Culture Club: Not Just a Bad 80s Bar

"Time (Clock of the Heart)"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 19, 2006 05:23 PM

Inspired by Sean Combs, Musicians Rush to Launch Fragrances

Diddy: Unforgivable. A breathtaking fragrance that says sexy, rich, unique, and passionate. The soul of Unforgivable is slightly dangerous and explosive, yet cool. "Life without passion is unforgivable." Stephen Malkmus: Incomprehensible. A conduit fragrance that says recorder grot, wounded-kite. Dental...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 19, 2006 04:14 PM

Ear Harvest

I have to go to the Houston office on business for ten weeks. To my roommate Todd, I say, “When I get back, you have a job or you’re gone. I’m sick of you paying late, owing me money, and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 18, 2006 03:05 PM

Kool-Aid Flavors of the Go-Go 90s That Never Quite Made It

O.J. Sippin’

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 17, 2006 03:02 PM

Gutenberg? Spinning In His Grave

Y.P.R. is expanding into the world of print. Want to be a part of it? Go ahead and read this. Then, submit....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 17, 2006 10:05 AM

Tears for Fears... and Good Charlotte's Relevance

Ces Marciuliano on Tears for Fears, with a Monchhichi reference to boot.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 17, 2006 09:46 AM

Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Moronic Online Lit Journal to Go Print! Unsinkable Boat Hits Iceberg! Extra!

Ladies, gentlemen, and those of indeterminate origin: Yankee Pot Roast, the literary journal of humor and satire (and the website at which you're currently looking), is preparing for the introductory issue of our brand-spanking-new PRINT EDITION (tentatively titled, Yankee Pot...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2006 04:31 PM

Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Ass on the Way OUt, Duffy!

Hunching over the radio, listening to a flaky ’DRE feed.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2006 11:37 AM

It's Electric!

Make a circuit with the Polecats.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2006 05:48 PM

Vampires Suck on Broadway. Truly.

Guest poster Jeff DF reviews the play Lestat: "A steaming pile of horseshit."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2006 03:55 PM

Trying to Explain the Easter Bunny to My Orthodox Jewish Girlfriend

Bunny rabbits, marshmallow Peeps, and Jesus.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2006 11:00 AM

Tangential Stupidity

Your humble editor Nick Jezarian has been a contributor for Drink at Work but recently the site's masterminds, Ces Marciuliano and Carol Hartsell, mistook him for someone who deserves a weekly column. Don't tell the Drink at Work fools about...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2006 09:42 AM

I Wanna Be Kinetic and I Want a Web Shooter Too!

Hilary's "Kinetic" vs. Spiderman's webshooter.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 12, 2006 06:28 PM

If the Neoconservatives Had Been Dentists

Latest generation of laser-guided weapons available with "extra whitening formula."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 12, 2006 03:01 PM

Dear Kind and Patient Readers

While one-third of our editorial juggernaut begins principal shooting on his first motion picture, two-thirds of us were away on a long vacation, and as such, you've noticed things have been reasonably bare around here. As always, we're sorry for...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 10, 2006 10:36 AM

Crafty Like a Fox

Fair & Allegient!Fox News, circa 1776 Over yonder at Cracked....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 5, 2006 03:37 PM

The Diary of One of the Baseball Cartoons on the PlayStation PSP Commercial for EA Sports' MLB ’06 After Attending Opening Day at Yankee Stadium

Since the commercial came out, I got a bunch of offers to work some triple-A games in Omaha and Columbus.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 4, 2006 11:33 PM

Nothing Changes on New Year's Day

"Auld Lang Syne" with Bono.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 31, 2006 12:01 PM

If the Brill Building Had Instead Housed a Law Firm

You have lost, misplaced, or destroyed that loving feeling, either through negligence or accident, and that all related agreements are gone, null, void, and whoa.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 31, 2006 09:01 AM

Unintentionally Bitch Slapped into Reality by Big Head Caps

Since the article titled “My Huge Head” first appeared on YankeePotRoast.org back in April of 2003, I’ve gotten a handful of emails regarding it. There was the one from a man named Cleveland who shared my plight and wanted...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 24, 2006 11:53 AM

Big Brass Bunny Band

To the Taft Elementary Parent-Teacher Association: We have received a number of angry letters, irate phone calls and obstreperous personal-space intrusions from members of the local community expressing concern over our school library's inclusion of the popular illustrated children's book,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 24, 2006 09:01 AM

David Mamet Channels Aristophanes

An Old Woman picks berries from a small bush. Enter The Traveler. The Traveler: Many miles have I traveled, uh, until now, now I am not sure of where I am! Pray, tell me, woman old, uh, where the hell...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 23, 2006 09:01 AM

You'll Always Be a Part of Me

Naked Eyes rip off Burt Bacharach.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 22, 2006 10:50 AM

Ordering Fast Food in the Age of the Statistically Challenged

I pulled up to the drive-thru and eyeballed the menu. “Can I take your order, please?” intoned the disembodied voice. “One chicken sandwich,” I replied. “May want to rethink that order, sir.” “Why is that?” “Small chance the bird is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 22, 2006 09:01 AM

Hale and Hearty

"Party Party" from Party Party

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 21, 2006 10:25 AM

Table For Two (Morons)

Putting aside the egregious health code violation that comes with allowing a cat to dine at your restaurant for the moment, why would he use a fork to scratch his nose? He's got claws, for God's sake. Also, when are...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 21, 2006 09:51 AM

Edgar Allen Poe Tells "The Aristocrats"

To an agent’s office, a man walked in, ear to ear with a delighted grin
And said, I have the most outstanding act standing right outside your door ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 20, 2006 09:01 AM

Out for Justice

"A Golfer Rings Steven Seagal's Doorbell ..." by Geoff Wolinetz over at Cracked....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2006 05:35 PM

Will Pimp for Props

Got a band, a Web site, a book, a store, a clothing line, or anything else to promote? We need to dress dozens of N.Y.C. apartments for our film, American Standard, and would be happy to feature whatever props you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2006 09:48 AM

Hide, Seek

Jon attempts to play hide and seek with Garfield. He has fun, the cat doesn't....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2006 09:46 AM

Paul Stanley Summarizes The Tragedies of William Shakespeare During Between-Song Banter from the 1977-78 KISS Alive II Tour

Assembly CenterTulsa, Oklahoma, January 26, 1977 Paul: Yeah! You all are crazy, Tulsa! I think ... I think ... I think Tulsa might be the craziest place we played ON THIS TOUR. That's right, Tulsa! You know what gets me...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2006 09:01 AM

Video Killed The Y.P.R. Star

"The Ausherman Stories" by Stephen Ausherman have been filmed, edited and posted over at Mr. Ausherman's site. Please head over and check them out. Bring a kugel. And tuck your shirt in....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 16, 2006 09:16 AM

Welcome to the Machine

Well, hello there! You must be our new tenant! Welcome to the Vending Machine! I’m Brown & Haley Almond Roca from E4, and I head up the Community Board. It says here that you are ... Oy, where is it?...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 16, 2006 09:01 AM

I'm Deeply Sorry

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to not a few folks in my life whom I've doubtlessly troubled with my thoughtlessness and penchant to plumb fuck things up.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 15, 2006 09:01 AM

Once There Was a Day

"Let Me Go" by Heaven 17 from the album The Luxury Gap Third week of December, 1982 These little passages that we attach to these Shreek generally either invoke a memory or some interpretation of the song or even something...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 14, 2006 10:11 AM

I'm Totally into American Idol

I don't know exactly when I got into American Idol, but it happened. What triggered my interest? I can’t say that I know. All I know is that I’ve put aside the ugly hatred and taken a bold step forward....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 14, 2006 10:11 AM

Brecht & Weill's Annie

A black, empty stage. Lights up on Annie, a bruised and battered orphan girl whose cataract-stricken eyes have no visible pupils. Around her, other abandoned girls sleep fitfully on the dirty sweatshop floor as she sings

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 13, 2006 10:10 PM

Read to the Death

Tonight your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will read to the death at The Sweet Fancy Moses Literary Death Match Monday, March 13, 2006, 7:30 p.m. The Back Room, New York City, N.Y. 102 Norfolk St. @ Delancey St. (212) 228-5098...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 13, 2006 08:36 AM

Eleven Scenes that Help Explain Why They Pulled the Plug on M. Night Shyamalan's Cinematic Adaptation of Life of Pi

A precocious but pensive boy explains that Pi was dead all along and that the tiger is really Bruce Willis.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2006 09:59 AM

Make That "Borrow"

"Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches" by Teddy Wayne "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You" by Zev Borow, The New York Times, Sunday, March 5, 2006 . . . Anyway, more Academy Award related stuff: "Acceptance Speech" by Michael J. Ewing "The...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 5, 2006 01:49 PM

And the Winner Is ...

Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will be reading with Dennis DiClaudio at the Me Three Oscar Bash this Sunday, March 5 at 7 p.m. It will take place at Croxley's Ale House at 28 Avenue B in Manhattan. If you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 3, 2006 04:31 PM

Porn sans Sex

TV Repairman: I’m here to fix your TV ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 3, 2006 11:01 AM

Don't Turn Around

Wayne Gladstone on "Der Kommissar".

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2006 11:58 AM

Paging David Blaine...

Right now, the operations department is desperately trying to get Jim Davis on the horn. The people need to know what actually transpired in today's strip. In one panel, there's a cookie and Jon is politely offering to share it...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2006 11:27 AM

The Other Side of Yuck

"The Other Side of Love" by Yazoo, from (we think) the single, "The Other Side of Love" First week of December, 1982 Imagine the sweetly infectious synth beat of Depeche Mode's "Just Can't Get Enough", except instead of Martin Gore's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2006 09:34 AM

The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday

Happy Vagina Day! By Sara Stewart Look out, Eve Ensler, and move over, Madonna--there’s a new girl in town who loves vaginas--and her name is Dr. Carol Schiffman. The author of the sizzling new nonfiction bestseller, The Vagina Whisperer is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2006 08:53 AM

Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center

WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! WEDNESDAY! It’s Al’s Bait Shop’s twelfth annual LIQUIDATION EXTRAVAGANZA IMPOSSIBLE!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2006 09:01 AM

Father Wears His Sunday Best

"Our House" by Madness, from the album Presents the Rise & Fall Fourth week of November, 1982 Elbows pumping, horns a-blarin', this song is like a nostalgia march. It makes you homesick for a house you never had -- the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2006 09:00 AM

Everybody's Just Like You

“That’s Good” by Devo from the album Oh, No! It’s Devo Second Week of November, 1982 I don't know how Mark Motherbaugh feels about the fact that every song that he's ever sung is compared to the only one that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2006 06:47 PM

Abandoned Theme Parks

SIX FLAGS OVER ALCATRAZ Built on floating platforms near the famous island prison, this ill-fated venture embarrassed its corporate parent for years after its well-deserved closure. Space limitations and surface instability prevented construction of a major rollercoaster; the park was...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2006 06:39 PM

Poetry in Motion

"She Blinded Me with Science" by Thomas Dolby from the album The Golden Age of Wireless First Week of November, 1982 "Mr. Dolby loses faith in Science and all things Scientific." Or so says the final written slide in the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 27, 2006 08:23 AM

On Playing Laser Tag with Joan Didion

I thought playing laser tag with renowned author Joan Didion would be a lot of fun but, boy, was I ever wrong. What a sad sack.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 27, 2006 08:16 AM

Hail To The Chief

Hey Y.P.R. faithful, Just dropping a quick note to let you know that we haven't upped and gone. We're just taking a short breather in honor of Presidents' Day. We've got a lot of respect for most of them. Anyway,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2006 12:07 PM

Sarah Vowell Comments on Our Imagined Liaison

I am twenty-two years old in 1991, which means that I am old enough to drink but not necessarily to exercise sound judgment when it comes to members of the less fair sex. Benjamin Franklin may really have believed that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 17, 2006 09:01 AM

Fan Fiction Web Site Forum Tackles Eraserhead

Hey, guys! This is my fanfic version of my all-time favorite film, Eraserhead. The premise is: what if Mary gave birth to a regular baby? You know, like a human one. Please read & review, this is my first post! Thanx!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 16, 2006 09:00 AM

Notes from the Norfolk, Virginia, Substance Abuse Services Providers Fair 2006, Waterside Convention Center

Betty Ford Cheerleaders perform at 12:00, 3:00, and 5:00 p.m. All 10 girls are addicts in recovery. Cheer "1-2-3-4 We Don’t Abuse Substances Anymore!" receives a lukewhmmmarm response. Autograph signings following performances are continuously crowded. Keynote speakers James Frey and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 15, 2006 09:00 AM

Timeless Stories of Love for Valentine's Day

“Buy her some snazzy jewelry,” a friend recommended. “Tattoo her name on your arm.” But after fourteen cans of beer at the local tavern, Jack had a much better idea: He would have an image of his wife’s beautiful face scrimshawed on his leg bone ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 14, 2006 10:12 AM

Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney

Who are two vice presidents who've shot someone? Recycled but relevant: "Excerpts from Dick Cheney's Duck-Hunting Journal" by Vince LiCata...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2006 03:47 PM

This Generation Rules the Nation

"Pass the Dutchie" by Musical Youth from the album Youth of Today First Week of November, 1982 This song will never die due to its infectious bass line and simple but digestible lyrics. A song that was essentially a rip-off...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2006 12:49 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Post-Super Bowl Death Knell of Advertising as We Know It and Desperate Call for Return to Core Values Edition

The GoDaddy.com Girl | The Giant-Headed and Core-Level-Disquieting Burger "King"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2006 11:50 AM

Don't Smell the Kraut

Inhaling vapors of leftover sauerkraut has the same creepy morphing effect on Jon as would a gasp of the mutagenic atmosphere of Mars in Total Recall. Garfield is unfazed by his master's disfigurement....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2006 02:21 AM

Elsewhere

"More Cartoons That Might Offend in the Middle East" by Matt Tobey and Josh Abraham, over at Cracked....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2006 02:15 AM

Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, but From The Brady Bunch

Jantagonist ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 10, 2006 09:00 AM

Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards

Best Performance by a Clone or Human/Animal Hybrid

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2006 09:00 AM

Excerpts from the Future Tell-All Autobiography of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's Unborn Child

Chapter 3: Sibling Rivalry … These days, few people remember just how cute Maddox was in the mid-00s. His hair shorn on the sides, leaving tufts of a Mohawk sprouting from his round, Cambodian head. His pudgy, Asian cheeks made...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 8, 2006 10:38 AM

See Me a Big Woman

"Kiss of Life" by Peter Gabriel from the album Security Fifth Week of October, 1982 Let's settle the "Who was the better member of Genesis" argument right now. If I were an attorney (I'm not), I feel like this would...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 6, 2006 10:29 AM

Help! Am I Stuck in a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? -- A Survival Guide

You rise with a startled jerk from your supine position, shivering, body caked in a gelatinous sweat that could only be the product of near-100-percent humidity. An alligator bites your foot from your leg as a steady downpour and fierce...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2006 12:01 AM

Open Mike

“It’s the tail end of open-mike night here at the Big Gig, and I see some new faces in the crowd. Let me emphasize that time is limited, so please keep it short. And now ... ah, I see a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 2, 2006 12:01 AM

Real Lab Notes

A major survey of U.S. researchers has found that unethical practices are more common and widespread in science than previously believed. The study found that 33% of scientists admit to engaging in at least one of 10 behaviors considered unethical...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 1, 2006 12:01 AM

She's Gone Electric

"Annie Get Your Gun" by Squeeze (released as a single, but) from the album Singles 45's and Under Fourth week of October, 1982. This is Squeeze's second hit single named after a Broadway show, the other being, obviously, Goodbye Girl....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 31, 2006 09:16 AM

Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter's Bat Mitzvah

--At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a “bitch”, “ho”, etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter. --All entourage members will be asked to disarm and turn over gats before the commencement of the horah ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 31, 2006 12:01 AM

A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero's Zombie Series

Twelfth Night of the Living Dead: The Bard meets George Romero: cross-dressing zombies in the 16th century. Who's a man? Who's a woman? Who's living? Who's dead? Hilarity ensues ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2006 12:01 AM

Opium.Weekend

All-Star Gala & Battle of the Literary Gladiators...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2006 08:35 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Opium Magazine Five-Year Anniversary N.Y.C. Celebration Edition

Will Layman and Ed Fischer intone: As professional cultural critics and C-List blogebrities whose snappy critiques and wise-ass barbs echo across the land almost the instant they are posted on this esteemed site, we grow weary. But our obligation to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2006 07:15 PM

Top 40 Castoff from a Record Stand

"Walking in L.A." by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Third week of October, 1982. Sad to say, the dignified Christopher Walken is not the focus of this song. Nay! Instead with this track, Missing Persons provided the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2006 12:23 PM

Kindling

The Black Table Roast Live and in color. And don't miss Ms. Amy Blair's contribution, "Week in Craig"....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2006 11:55 AM

Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Average at Best
Ayn Rand's Condescending Sigh
Buyer's Remorse
Colic the Wonder Horse . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2006 12:10 AM

Like a Pigeon from Hell

"Back on the Chain Gang" by the Pretenders, from the album Learning to Crawl Second Week of October, 1982 I've said it once and I'll say it again: If there were a statistic measuring "Looks to Talent" Ratio, Chrissie Hynde...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 26, 2006 10:46 PM

Internal Memo to the Secret Society

Greetings and salutations, O seekers of the Inexpugnable Truth. Inductees into the Assemblies of Wisdom. Pilgrims to the Arcane Shrine on the desolate shores of you-know-where. Did you notice the phrase “you-know-where”? Did you catch that? Good. Because I can’t believe I have to bring this up, people! Tell me, what makes a secret society such a special organization to be a part of?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 26, 2006 12:01 AM

Full of Strange Arrangements

"The Look of Love (Part One)" by ABC from the album The Lexicon of Love Second week of October, 1982 It takes but one listen to "The Look of Love (Part One)" to realize that this ABC is entirely different...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 25, 2006 06:18 PM

Monkey Shock

"Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel from the album Security. Third week of September, 1982 Peter Gabriel. What a rotten son of a bitch. I always wondered why a man would prod the masses to shock a monkey. What the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 06:25 PM

The Black Table Roast

In which Y.P.R. and friends ceremoniously turn the infamous black table into kindling.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 11:11 AM

The Black List: Funny for Nothing and We're Dicks for Free

We were sitting in our apartment the other day, listening to Nirvana and watching scrambled porn ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

Believe the Hype? The Black Table

It was the 19th-century poet Rimbaud--or perhaps it was the 1980s rock 'n' roll duo Tears for Fears... ?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

Will Leitch and Eric Gillin Use Instant Messenger to Defuse a Bomb

I'm staring at it, trying to figure out what the sheet says and I have no fucking idea how to do it.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

The Black Table: I Only Know Them for Networking Reasons

I only know two of the Black Table's "Big Four," mainly because I rarely come out of my one-bedroom suburban cubbyhole to work the New York media party circuit.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

A Quick Roast, Pt. I

Here it is, my tamest Black Table story ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

A Quick Roast, Pt. II

I will forever remain proud that it was I who introduced A.J. to crystal meth.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

The Week in Craig

Hi! My name is Amy Blair and I'm totally easy!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:10 AM

Outgoing!

Hooray! This also marks the one-year anniversary of Will Leitch losing his virginity to a two-cent hooker down in Chinatown ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:09 AM

Waxing Off: Thank You for Being a Friend

Sophia Petrillo: Picture it: Manhattan, 1932. An old, shriveled hag with a dollar and dream knocks on the door of Camp Bowery.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 24, 2006 12:09 AM

I Don't Wanna Hear That Song No More

"Jukebox (Don't Put Another Dime)" by the Flirts, from the album 10 Cents a Dance Fourth week of September, 1982 If the rock gods were ever to bring their dire contempt for new wave and early-80s pop music to litigation,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 23, 2006 10:21 AM

Selling Myself, Installment II

In March I became a published author, and I quickly realized how important self-presentation is to creative success. This is the second in a series of letters in which I "sell myself" to various prize committees, billionaires, and television executives.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 23, 2006 12:01 AM

Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow

"Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be-Bop)" by Q-Feel, from the album Q-Feel Second week of September, 1982 Full disclosure: I had to look up this song because the name "Q-Feel" is as familiar to me as the terrain of southern Zimbabwe;...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 20, 2006 09:44 AM

Sneak Preview: Merchant-Ivory's Hostel

INT. A GRUESOME TORTURE CHAMBER IN BRATISLAVA
CLOSE-UP: PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY strapped naked to a decaying dentist's chair. As sweat oozes from his pores and tears fill his eyes, he screams incessantly, in the grips of extreme agony ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 20, 2006 01:50 AM

Poor Old Johnny Ray

"Come On Eileen", by Dexy's Midnight Runners, from the album Too-Rye-Ay First week of September, 1982 I never really know what to make of this song. It reminds me of drunken Irishmen. Now, don't go calling the A.C.L.U. or the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 19, 2006 10:57 AM

From the Diary of Out of This World’s Evie Garland

God, I am SO in love with Brad Schwartz! I know I totally shouldn’t have, but Brad’s got P.E. third period, and, well, oops! My pointer fingers found their way together and I just happened to take a “wrong turn” into the guys’ locker room. His dong is huge! Sigh.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 19, 2006 12:01 AM

Mesh & Lace

"I Melt With You" by Modern English, from the album After the Snow Fourth week of August, 1982. Is there anything better than Brits who employ synthesizers as the backbone of their music? The answer is there are an infinite...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 18, 2006 12:26 AM

The New York Times Slash Fic

It was the end of a long week at the Gray Lady and the sun had long since gone down when Maureen walked into Alessandra’s office.

"Hi. Working late?"

Alessandra looked up from her computer. “Yeah. I’m just putting this piece to bed.”

“Is that so?” Maureen winked and tossed her hair . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 18, 2006 12:08 AM

Leave the TV and the Radio Behind

"Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson, from the album Night and Day. Third week of August, 1982 It surprises me that people work themselves into a froth when music that they loved (one-hit wonder or otherwise) gets bought up by some...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 17, 2006 10:36 PM

Talk²

"Talk Talk" by Talk Talk, from the album The Party's Over. Second week of August, 1982 You've got to love bands with eponymous songs, begging the chicken-or-the-egg question of which was named after what. Talk Talk dropped the meta-ball in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 16, 2006 01:56 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Navel-Gazing Edition

In the year that we have been training our eyes on the outside world--on the ephemera, media, culture, and general goings-on of those whose very being is our U.S. zeitgeist at large--we have surely made out the prima facie case for becoming a hermit.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 16, 2006 12:08 AM

Smell Like I Sound

"Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, from the album Rio. First Week of August, 1982 They were one of the biggest bands of the decade, even penning the theme to a Bond film (although it was Roger Moore's last...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 13, 2006 12:23 AM

Intimidation Strategies to Be Avoided in a Street Fight

Making Threats That Incorporate Literary References
"Get out of my face before I come down on you like Don Quixote on a windmill."
"You, my friend, have just made a choice even more flawed and inevitably tragic than King Lear’s."
"Everywhere you turn, I’m gonna haunt your ass like Cathy to Heathcliff."
2. Brandishing Inappropriate Accessories . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 13, 2006 12:01 AM

Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas

"Everywhere That I'm Not" by Translator, from the album Heartbeats and Triggers Fifth week of July, 1982. This song stinks. It's annoying in the most jangly way possible. Try these lyrics: "'Cause you're in New York, but I'm not /...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 12, 2006 12:36 AM

An Evening at the Tokyo Ballet

The curtain rises on a bare stage, occupied only by a large wooden barrel upon which is mounted an enormous spigot. As the lights come up, the orchestra launches into the delicate opening phrases of composer-choreographer Ittoru Sakitaru's Ballet of the Salarymen . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 12, 2006 12:01 AM

Do You Hear Me? Do You Care?

"Words" by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Fourth week of July, 1982. Annoying, annoying, annoying. And if you sing it in your head, eventually you find the melody and lyrics drifting toward "Walking in L.A.", Missing Persons'...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 11, 2006 03:29 AM

An Entry to the M.P.A.A.'s Contest in Which College Students Are Asked to Make a P.S.A. about the Problem of Online Piracy

Billy and Timmy are in a car on the highway. Billy, who is driving, has two laptops perched on his lap and a third on the dashboard. Timmy, the passenger, has five laptops of his own. Billy: [Furiously typing, switching...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 11, 2006 12:01 AM

Bringing You the Best New Music of 1982

The literary journal begets an MP3 blog: Y.P.R.'s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day Right click, Save Target/Link As....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 10, 2006 11:11 AM

Abre los Ojos

"Open Your Eyes" by the Lords of the New Church, from the album Lords of the New Church. Third week of July, 1982. Yes. This song is awesome. It's industrial-dance goth rock that's "political" without any real political comment. All...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 10, 2006 12:39 AM

Rejected Pitches for NBC's Three Wishes: Hodgkin's Lymphoma Division

Dear Three Wishes,
You know Soleil Moon Frye? Punky Brewster? Yeah. I'd like to commend her role in 1994's Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, where she gave a convincing performance as "Marcie." (No last name.)I'd like to thank her, all right. With my homemade tower of power . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 10, 2006 12:01 AM

Y.P.R.'s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day

Two years ago today, WLIR ((f.k.a. WDRE) 92.7 FM, from Garden City, Long Island) signed off the airways the last time, its parent company switching its playlist to Spanish music. By that time, WLIR had evolved into a Top 40...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 9, 2006 02:31 PM

That Crazy Casbah Sound

"Rock the Casbah" by the Clash, from the album Combat Rock. Second week of July, 1982. "Rock the Casbah" is, hands down, the Clash's worst song. It's funny and interesting and it's got cool sound effects and it's sort-of-but-not-really offensive--which...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 9, 2006 12:02 AM

Excerpts from T.S. Eliot’s First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky,
Like a ham sandwich etherized upon a table.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 6, 2006 12:01 AM

Pep Talk

Are you spiritually prepared? You can run and pass all over the field, but if you haven’t got the Power, you might as well be trying to score in the dark.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 5, 2006 12:01 AM

Bat Play

Woman: You’ll never get away with this, Joker! Batman will save me.
The Joker: I’m gonna kill the shit out of him.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 4, 2006 12:01 AM

AAA Gas-Saving Tips: Updated for the Coming Oil Apocalypse

If a master plan is quickly adopted on a global scale, the world can safely cope with a peak in oil production and create a more sustainable and enjoyable economy at the same time. If we ignore these changes and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 3, 2006 12:01 AM

Selected Words and Phrases from William Safire's "On Words" Column That Reveal a Libertine Heart Beating within the Conservative Wordsmith's Bosom

Perhaps he's just extra saucy this morn from New Year's Eve revelry, but today's column is simply engorged with innocent-but-suggestive terms: * jaws of coming * snatched * plucked * snatched * snatching (not plucking) * phrasedicks * plucked *...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2006 02:22 PM

Gorp

A coworker is taking a week off to be with her 6-year-old daughter 24-7 while the little girl fasts for six days--not a total fast, but a diet of fruit, nuts, and water, part of a tradition observed, I'm told,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2006 12:21 PM

Selected Titles of Hollywood Westerns Gayer than Brokeback Mountain

Advance to the Rear (1964) The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin (1967) Along Came Jones (1945) Along the Mohawk Trail (1957) As Man to Man Back in the Saddle (1941) Back to the Woods (1937) Backlash (1956) The Bandit Queen...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 27, 2005 10:20 PM

MMV

The annual wrapup.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 22, 2005 03:07 AM

An American Psycho Christmas

"Joy to the World" is being piped in over the din of the late afternoon crush at Saks Fifth Avenue and I am cursing the fact that I have to wait so long for the clerk to return with my credit card. "So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?" Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 21, 2005 12:01 AM

Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart

(But the very next day, you gave it away.) Christmastime Is HereY.P.R.'s Xmas Cards, 2004 A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys by Julianne Flynn Season's Greetings by Stephen Loomis The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter by Jonathan Shipley The Annual Holiday...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 21, 2005 12:00 AM

Comedy Gold

Jon suspects that the fruitcake he received from Mrs. Feeney is the same fruitcake that she sent last year, which he threw away. Garfield offers to get a mallet and wooden stake. Fruitcake jokes, folks. This is what makes Garfield...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2005 01:50 AM

New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season

DEATH OF A SNOWMAN
Downtrodden Frosty Loman runs a rubber hose from the gas to his corncob pipe.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2005 12:01 AM

I Almost Googled My Life Away

When I type "Google" into Google, I get back 817,000,000 results in just 0.11 seconds. You know what that is? That’s fucking fast.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 20, 2005 12:00 AM

Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing Program

Look, I'll level with ya: I'm not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let's get that fuckin' straight right now. Holly said something like, "John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more," and I was like, "What the shit you think I've been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!" ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 19, 2005 12:01 AM

The Complete Radar

Collected in two handsome, leather-bound volumes, with raised spine, gilt edges, and over 2,300 illustrations, The Complete Radar is yours for only $289.00.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2005 10:40 AM

Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for “Let’s Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée,” November 14, 2005, New York, New York

Tony, an amicable imp garbed in a sailor's hat, sheet-metal spats and a strangely workable kerchief, impresses easily (Times Square Red Lobster, southeast exit). This waif is a filthy joy to behold . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2005 12:01 AM

Pity, Indeed

Jon stands beneath mistletoe (apparently awaiting a kiss from either his cat or dog?). Garfield places a signpost near him reading "Have Pity." How the cat crafted the sign, I've no idea....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2005 09:26 AM

The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba

Personal Assistant: Hello, operator. I would like to book a room for Meg and Jack of the White Stripes.
Receptionist: Oh, the popular beat combo--of course ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2005 12:01 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Back to Basics Edition

Harry Potter--Just Not Getting Any? | Frat Boys Who Wear Backwards Baseball Caps | "Bands" That Are Really Just One Guy Who Gave Himself a Band Name | When the Little Light inside the Car Doesn't Turn Off as Soon as the Door Is Closed but Instead Fades Dramatically after Eight Seconds | Music on the Radio, Generally | Eva Longoria, Overexposed

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2005 09:42 AM

The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak

Mrs. Tina Brown, Mother of Charlie Brown: "Wah wah wahhhh waaaah, wah wahh waah waahhh wah.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 14, 2005 02:40 AM

Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

The dimwitted dog tries the pull-my-finger routine on the mean, lazy cat. When pulled, instead of the unsurprising surprise burst of flatulence, the pup cha-chings like a cash-register drawer, offering something that looks like green candy canes hung on his...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2005 10:18 AM

The Alarmist's Reference Book of Miserable Maladies That Are Possibly Infecting Your Body at This Very Moment

Dennis DiClaudio, the noted writer of fact and fiction, playwright (The Writer's Mind), improvisational performer (Waitstaffer and Caballist), editor ((parenthetical note) and Ducky magazine), Philadelphian (for now), and researcher of interesting infectious diseases (not to mention frequent contributor to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2005 12:01 AM

Dennis DiClaudio, pathological worrywart

* ? *Y.P.R. 1. What non-hypochondriacal diseases afflict you? Dennis DiClaudio I currently suffer from a chronic case of Androgenetic Alopecia, the effects of which have been devastating and unquantifiable, at times making it difficult to maintain such basic human...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2005 12:01 AM

A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All!

Surrender all hope, human beings! I, Avian Influenza A (H5N1), have you in my crosshairs. You have no chance. Stand down and accept your fate. When my reign of terror has been fully realized, the atmosphere shall grow thick with...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2005 12:01 AM

Correção (Correction)

I am Portugese, and I want to correct you "schmucks" since the translation of My Big Fat Greek Wedding was translated as "Viram-se Gregos Para Casar". So I'd Reeeeeeeeeally appreciate if you corrected the site [Y.P.R.'s Oscar Coverage 2003: "The...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 13, 2005 12:01 AM

Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked

Ne'er-Do-Wells, Shams, Thoughtless Cads, Fusspots, Whippersnappers, and more ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 12, 2005 01:14 AM

Pabst for Pulitzer

Photographic documentation of a Pabst delivery to the Pulitzer Prize offices.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 9, 2005 01:05 AM

Selling Myself, Installment I

The following is my application letter for the Pulitzer Prize.
Update: A case of beer was dropped off to their offices, around lunchtime on October 28. I hope they enjoyed the beer and expect to hear from them shortly.

Dear Pulitzer Prize Chairman Lee C. Bollinger:
I am a winner. I've always been a winner. . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 9, 2005 01:05 AM

Instantly Karmic

My Continued Conversation with the Ghost of John Lennon by Corey Mesler...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 8, 2005 04:40 PM

Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder's Monkey

Giuseppe, We've had lots of fun these past three years at the Corner Mall. Remember when I set your hair on fire? How about that time I gave you Hepatitis C? So much shared history to treasure. It's not that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 8, 2005 02:30 AM

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Still Not Dead (They're Just Playing Hide and Seek)

Name five things. Do it now. Fast.

What?

What isn’t a thing, you mental juggernaut. Five things, I said.

Jesus Christ!

That’s one . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 7, 2005 01:52 PM

He Sees You When You're Eating His Cookies, You Pudgy Bastard

Garfield, still wearing Santa's stolen hat, now consumes Santa's cookies. To add insult to injury, he does it under the cover of Santa's hat! Santa knows if you've been bad or good, you fat fuck. Stop screwing with him....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 7, 2005 08:56 AM

Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder--commonly called A.D.H.D.--affects an ever-growing amount of today’s children and can be severely debilitating. If you are concerned that your child may have A.D.H.D., the following survey, adapted from the Vanderbilt Assessment Scale and brought to you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 6, 2005 02:32 PM

Various Restaurant Menus Explain Themselves

Pietra Fria (Italian)
Italy is known for its warmth and rich food. You will not find those here. Our cuisine comes from Asperghia, a remote hill town nestled high in the Dolomites. Our people are indomitable, and our unique cuisine, as well as the profession of banditry, is handed down from father to son. We do not serve wine, for at an altitude of 3500 meters, grapevines would perish. Olive oil we steal from trade caravans that dare traverse our mountain passes. Enjoy our rock stew, flavored with lichen, or perhaps the tender marmot . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 5, 2005 02:43 PM

Jim Davis Probably Made Ten Times My Yearly Salary for These Ten Words

The enterprising cat has hijacked Santa's hat, returning only in exchange for his desired gifts. Garfield obviously is unfamiliar with Santa's M.O. (giving toys to children who have been nice, not those who steal his hat). My guess is the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 5, 2005 09:19 AM

Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children's Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 2, 2005 03:19 AM

Condolences Posted to the Funeral Home Web Site Upon the Death of "Zesty the Clown"

What do I remember about Zesty? He was funny. Except when he performed. But when you ran into him, you know, just out in the community, at the instant check-cashing store, at the emergency room, in a holding cell, inside a Dumpster, he was always funny. Funny scary. Say, what do you call a birthday party without a clown? The end of a child's happiness. Book me today!

--Bill Leffler
"Clunks the Clown"

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2005 12:01 AM

He Knows When You Are Confused and Disappointed

Jon says, "Garfield . . . Santa Claus is coming to town!" and Garfield thinks, "Really?" and then he thinks, "He can stay in my room!" and I think Jim Davis just doesn't care about anything at all anymore....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 30, 2005 01:30 AM

The Recently Discovered "Erotick Poetry" of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne

Scholars at Kent College Pembury, an all-girls preparatory school in England, recently unearthed an astonishing discovery in the rectory directly below the women's faculty quarters: a dusty trunk filled with the long-lost journals of the mildly retarded Lord Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 30, 2005 12:01 AM

Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent

I still really like your screenplay for Gremlins

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 29, 2005 12:44 AM

Thank You for Taking Me to See Your Friend's Band

Great set. Lot of energy. Very tight.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 28, 2005 02:28 AM

Listen:

The Y.P.R. Book Club skeweres Kurt Vonnegut Jr....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 26, 2005 10:12 AM

Starbucks Letter Regarding Seemingly Illogical Size Nomenclature

Mr. Abraham: Pass this info along to whomever is interested. Because us Americans are such pigs, Starbucks had to add the size Venti (Italian for twenty--as in the number of ounces in the cup) to the original three sizes: short,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 25, 2005 06:37 PM

What a Turkey

The human catches the cat attempting to steal the turkey. These antics delight 260 million readers worldwide every day. Four percent of the planet. They love it....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 24, 2005 01:35 AM

Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems

Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous

There should be
help for people
who drink to forget

their names.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 23, 2005 12:46 AM

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s Canon

The Y.P.R. Book Club reads and absorbs the work of K.V. Jr.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 10:06 PM

Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut

Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I'll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you'll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine . . .

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 08:15 PM

As the Pizza Turns ...

Jon has finally gotten through to the pizza joint and placed an order for a pizza that's going to cost him an arm and a leg ... triple toppings of everything. Hopefully, that includes a triple helping of some self-respect....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 03:08 PM

Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut's Friar's Club Roast

Jimmy Kimmel: Listen--Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 01:52 AM

"Now It Can Be Sold" by Drinkmore Stout

Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting. You are the only one...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 01:23 AM

The Good News

  A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This story happened a long time ago in a church. Things were very different then. A church was a building where crowds of depressed and frightened people...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 01:00 AM

Deadeye Dicks

Drawings of and by K.V. found via Google Image search.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2005 12:15 AM

Of Course the Fat Cat Wants Pizza, You Maroon

Jon is seen holding the phone and then asking who wants pizza. Sign of stupidity number one--hello, Jon! Why don't you ask if they want the pizza first and then pick up the phone. Why waste your time waiting for...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 21, 2005 02:40 PM

A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader

You will address me as Lord Vader. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. (Breath, breath.) I have hired a team of bounty hunters to deal with the President's critics ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 21, 2005 12:40 AM

Nipsey Fan Seeks Same

Dear Nick, I was reading with interest your article from October 5, 2005 ["Dear Nipsey"]. It is interesting, and I was wondering if you ever found out who the owner of this AOL Nipsey Russell fan page is. I know...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 18, 2005 06:56 PM

Excerpts from What Lessons Can We Learn from Little Johnny, Neighborhood Scamp?--Health & Citizenship Development Series (Educational Resources Ltd.)

One morning on his way to school, Johnny stopped by the creek and caught a big, fat frog, which he hid in his knapsack. Later that day, he slipped the frog into Mrs. Smith’s purse while she was writing equations...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 18, 2005 12:53 AM

Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma!

Good afternoon, theatre fans of the airwaves! This is Dick Cox bringing you all the news, up to the minute, immediately as it happens, here at the Goodspeed Opera House, where the much-anticipated opening night performance of Oklahoma! is about...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 17, 2005 12:43 AM

Cartoon Episodes about Science

Peanuts episode: “That's Biotechnology, Charlie Brown!”
Charlie Brown loses yet another kite within the branches of his nemesis, the kite-eating tree. However, Linus cleverly observes that this action is not unlike the concept of phytoremediation ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 14, 2005 10:16 AM

Wherefore Art Thou, Y.P.R.?

Well, it appears we've pulled one of our trademark disappearing acts again. We do this from time to time without warning and for no apparent reason. This serves one of two purposes: 1) To create an abuser/enabler relationship with our...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 11, 2005 03:28 PM

Scientific Study Finds That Chickens Think about the Future

Chickens do not just live in the present, but can anticipate the future and demonstrate self-control, something previously attributed only to humans and other primates, according to a recent study. --Discovery News So, what are you thinking about the future...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 7, 2005 08:40 PM

May We Use Your Loo?

Your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, will be directing an independent feature film. It's called American Standard, and will star these extraoridnarily talented, funny, beautiful people. But we need places in which to put them! In The Can Production is seeking...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2005 12:47 PM

Questions for Discussion

1. In the Cannon Beach wedding scene, Joseph is already foreshadowing not-so-happy endings. "We kissed. Everyone released colorful kites into the sky, the wind taking them where it wanted. None of the barefoot guests knew how to operate a kite but they steered with those attached strings nonetheless. Soon one kite would wind up all tangled together with another and both would dive urgently into the sand" (p. 41). How does Joseph ever expect things to work out if he's going to be such a melodramatic something-something his whole life? Discuss...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2005 02:18 AM

The Adventures of Dr. Squat: "Aunt Linda, You’re a Pig"

Aunt Linda’s Hindenberg rear end was so big that it would be easier to jump over her than it would be to try and walk around. She was married to Uncle Freddie. Once, when we were up north fishing, he...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 3, 2005 03:45 AM

Powerful Stories Made Impotent by the Introduction of Cellphones

Antigone Creon: Since my decision has been thus reversed, I who imprisoned Antigone shall myself be present to release her. I’m just going to call ahead. (Takes out cellphone.) Antigone? Greetings. Listen I’ve been thinking about the relationship of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 2, 2005 08:38 PM

Jon Is Fooled by a Three-Dollar Bill, or Maybe He's as Gay as One

The cat, which nothing up his sleeve, is accused of treachery. Instead of merely walking away the better, he kicks the idiot dog off of the table, feeling obligated to do something. We're not laughing, you know....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 2, 2005 09:13 AM

In Response to My Little Sister’s Plea for Assistance on Her History Report--Topic: "The Middle Ages"

It is estimated that anywhere from one-third to one-half of Europe's population succumbed to the infamous fourteenth-century Black Plague epidemic. While a massive fatality rate is concordant with most historical accounts, the inflated death toll fails to consider the Great...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2005 02:58 AM

A Play In One Act

Jon: I'm glad to have you as a pet. Garfield: Don't touch me. Y.P.R.: Please stop producing this....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2005 11:45 AM

Happy Hallowe'en!

Y.P.R HQ has had a bag of dog crap thrown on its door by our former best friend. After screaming, "You shit on my house, man! You shit on my house" at him, we've taken to the task of cleaning...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2005 10:38 AM

Y.P.R Is Kind of Crazy with a Spooky Little Reader Like You

Recycled, but relevant: Please check out The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe'en House of Horror from way back in 2003. Oooooooooh! Mwhahahahahahah....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2005 10:33 AM

Is This Shit Supposed to Be Funny?

The dog tells Garfield to go away. Garfield does. Are you kidding me?...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 28, 2005 09:23 AM

Excerpts from Paul Stanley's Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™

(Tuesday afternoon, 14:10 EST.) Senator McCain: First of all, I’d like to begin by thanking Mr. Stanley for appearing before this committee. Mr. Stanley, do you have any opening statements? Paul Stanley: OH YEAH! HOW YAH DOIN, PEEPLE? WELL, AWWRIGHT!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 28, 2005 09:13 AM

What I Could Have Done to that Jerk Who Asked Me "Hey You Know Karate?" Had I Actually Known Karate

Walked over to him and listed some of the other possible questions that he could have asked using common Asian stereotypes as a template:"Hey you eat dog?""Hey you know math?""Hey you make my car?" Directed obscene gestures toward him while...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2005 01:03 AM

The Dog Should Have Killed Garfield

The cat plays on the fragile psyche of a self-described "mean" dog. The cat revels in his own "meanness." I die a little inside....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2005 09:01 AM

Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!: A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only

The human brain is quite elaborate. It employs electrochemical mechanisms and triggers physiological responses so complex that even science has struggled to understand it all. Many scientists would, in fact, categorize the human brain as a “final frontier.” The depths...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2005 01:03 AM

32°F or Jon's IQ: Which Is Higher?

The fish is missing and Garfield is next to the fishbowl. Where on Earth could the fish possibly be? Don't worry. Rather than leaving it to the scholars to debate this Holmesian mystery, Jim Davis solves it for us. Thank...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 21, 2005 10:59 AM

Waiting Room

Always in that stupid blue suit. (Same one every time? His FRIDAY suit? What a loser.) And the rouge-red Kmart tie. Mr. Middle Management. I loathe his kind. Thinks he's too good for the rest of us. I'd like to take him down a peg.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 21, 2005 01:03 AM

And Funky Winkerbean Languishes in Obscurity

We're not sure what's more disturbing: the fact that this obese cat can take down an entire hamburger in one quick bite or that Jim Davis is still getting paid real American dollars to have this slapdash, idiotic piece of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 20, 2005 10:27 AM

Captain Red Shirt

Orville Titus was kidnapped by pirates when he was nine years old. Orville was an orphan so getting kidnapped by a bunch of pirates wasn’t such a bad thing as far as he was concerned. It was a lot better...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 20, 2005 01:03 AM

Staring into the Abyss

The owner, who appears to have less and less to live for with each passing day, waxes aloud about his seemingly interminable day. The cat, whose laziness is surpassed only by his disdain for his human counterpart, suggests that the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 19, 2005 10:51 AM

A Frequent Contributor to a Popular Internet Humor Site Is Transported Back in Time, and, after Finding Work as a Writer on Your Show of Shows, Is Reprimanded by Sid Caesar within One Week

A Play in One Act Never to Be Performed Ever

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 19, 2005 07:27 AM

Political Posturing

“Here, try this one,” said the elder, exaggerating a professional strut and dawning a ridiculous stern look. “That's the middle-class posture.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 18, 2005 12:12 AM

Will Wet Nurse Never Cease?

I often think about starting a wildly prolific rock band and naming it Wet Nurse, simply for the chance that after releasing nine LPs and six EPs in a two-year span, Spin will run a blurb about my tireless efforts...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 17, 2005 01:04 AM

Crap in Three Panels, for almost Three Decades

Bro, this Jon dude is so totally whack....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 14, 2005 09:15 AM

What a Rick Steves Travel Guide to Venice Would Look Like if Rick Steves Were Severely Agoraphobic

Introduction In this guide we'll explore the majesty of Venice: you'll find out how to journey in quaint gondolas through august waterways, dine sumptuously in cozy back-alley pizzerias, and weep in bitter humiliation when a social-panic-induced diarrhea attack sends you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 14, 2005 01:03 AM

Adventures in Primatology

Jon kisses a monkey, lets his tongue aerate as his dumb dog does....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 13, 2005 09:23 AM

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief as Experienced by Me Reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

  Avast! Spoiler WarningIf you’re of the sort who gets all pissy about cats being let out of bags.Um, also, we should point out that the author, Ms. Verlizzo, did not forewarn the noble Y.P.R. editors and thus ruined the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 13, 2005 01:03 AM

Jim Davis's First Dick Joke

After stalking the cute perfume tester at the mall, Jon is sprayed with Eau de Sauerkraut, which, as the cat points out, goes well with wieners. (Get it? Wieners!)...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 12, 2005 09:25 AM

Rock Stars Enjoying Anonymity

Featuring Gavin Whodale and Dave Nawhatso?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 12, 2005 01:26 AM

Macho Nacho

Jon ingests huge quantities of nachos to impress a girl who works in a bowling alley. Sadder than it is nauseating....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 11, 2005 09:28 AM

Karl Rove's Ringside Boasts

It ain't braggin' if you're a Republican.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 10, 2005 01:15 AM

This Comic Strip Depresses the Shit out of Me

Jon, desparate for any living attention, tells his pet of the cute girl he met at the supermarket. Sad, I know. Sadder still: the cat only cares whether its master bought doughnuts. I bet the supermarket checkout girl didn't even...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 10, 2005 12:22 AM

Dog Licks Cone & Cat

With one literal tongue lashing, the stupid dog licks all the wicked cat's ice cream. And fur....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 9, 2005 12:19 AM

Get It? Because He Ate the Bird

Jon spots a single, yellow feather. "Is that a canary feather?" he asks. Garfield says, "Not anymore." This is supposedly hilarious....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 8, 2005 12:17 AM

Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid

Jon dates a mime, reiterates his date's choking/gagging gestures for his pet....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 7, 2005 10:14 PM

Phone Call Informing the New Nobel Prize Winner in Physics of His Award, Shortly after He's Had a Breakdown and Reverted to a Childlike State, as KISS Alive Plays in the Background

"Hello, professor? Stockholm here. You've won the Nobel Prize for your work on the heat-death of the universe."
Stars are pretty.
"Yes, well said."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 7, 2005 01:05 PM

The Horror! The Horror!

Good God! What the hell is going on in the Arbuckle household? This little slice into their domestic affairs leaves litte wonder as to why Jon never gets laid and Garfield is such a fat unfeeling bastard. Not to mention,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 6, 2005 03:19 PM

Cracked Baby

Cracked magazine, relaunching in January 2006, has gone online. Sylvester P. Smythe is already a-mopping....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 5, 2005 10:40 AM

Dear Nipsey

Selected E-Mails to the Poet Laureate of Television from People who Mistook the Fan Web Site Nipsey Russell's Funky Palace for the Rhymer's Personal Homepage The following are all [sic], except titles and redactions. N.R. ’n' C.N.R. Subj: charles...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 5, 2005 01:51 AM

Some of Hollywood's Greatest Surprise Endings Revealed and Synopsized

Million Dollar Baby Caught in an agonizing conflict between his faith and his love for Hillary Swank, Clint Eastwood elects to unplug his surrogate's life support. After he departs covertly, a diaphanous, fey-looking Hillary Swank opens her eyes to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 4, 2005 12:18 PM

Punting Odie, Pointing at All of Us

Cat kicks dog off table, blames world cruelty....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 4, 2005 02:47 AM

70s Music Is Stupid

"Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce First of all, you can't. Time is a concept. But you knew that, you're just getting all literary. Cool. No problem. Still, the first thing you'd do is "save every day till eternity...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 3, 2005 11:55 PM

Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman

Y.P.R. contributor Frank Lesser, the crafty creator of DannyBot ("So sad, even your robot will cry") and the Lie Girls, presents: Flora Bush: The Child Left Behind --an album recorded by the forgotten daughter of your president. Read: Curriculum Fraudium...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 3, 2005 10:22 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Interacting with the Smarty-Pants yet Ultimately Insufferable Public Edition

Hidey-hidey-ho, friends, and welcome to the end of the world.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 3, 2005 09:53 AM

Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn

Garfield begins salivating at the ring of a doorbell. When Jon presents the pizza delivered, Garfield's wet himself with anticipatory spittle....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 3, 2005 02:55 AM

This One Really Sucks

Jon is chillin' in the backyard's inflatable pool, sipping from a glass of ice water. Garfield, perspiring, sucks so hard on the drinking straw of Jon's beverage that the poolwater is sucked up through Jon's pores and, somehow, into the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 2, 2005 12:55 PM

Donor Secrecy

I am the head of a private investigations company. We have been approached by a woman whose 4-year-old child was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor. She wants us to locate the donor so that when her child turns 18, she can tell her who her biological father is. May we ethically take the case?
S.P., New York

Listen, dick: anonymous sperm donors are either junkies seeking fast cash or perverts seeking cheap thrills, if not perverted junkies seeking both. Women who resort to sperm donors are just old-fashioned ugly. Best bet is for you to take this cow's cash and tell her the bastard's pop died a war hero.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 2, 2005 03:22 AM

Curiosity Killed Something Else

Jon thinks cats are curious. Garfield demonstrates that he isn't....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2005 02:53 AM

The Cat Lies

The cat explains that, to the human's untrained eye, resting might look like nothing. But it's different....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 30, 2005 02:52 AM

Kanye West's Cronyism

If I were to become president, I can guarantee you, I wouldn’t hate black people. Oh hell no. The Whitey Billionaire's Club though would be different story. He’d have another thing comin’, a niner to his smartass mouth. That’s right....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 29, 2005 04:39 PM

Justify My Love

Jesus Christ, this cat is at it again? He's been lying on his f@#K%ng back all week. Now he's waxing philosphical about how overrated standing on your feet is. Someone put this lazy son of a bitch out of his...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 29, 2005 01:26 PM

Beware the Dust Mites

As Garfield slips further and further into depression, John takes it as a display of his social ineptitude. Garfield lies prone, letting his melancholy eat away at his soul. John does not hug the cat or ask what he can...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2005 09:14 AM

Nappy Cat

In today's adventure, our plump protagonist muses on the origin of the nap. While he discloses that he is not directly responsible for its genesis, he does reassure his devoted followers that he did indeed have a hand (or should...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 26, 2005 09:39 AM

To the Pirates, from the Cowboys

The Cowboys 500 Fountainview Plaza Suite #610 Ward, Texas The Pirates General Delivery Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda Dear Pirates, This town isn't big enough for the both of us. And by "this town," we mean "the retro-childish zone of American...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 26, 2005 01:12 AM

Perhaps the Other End Is a Garfield Phone

Jon sets a milestone: 200 rings on the other end of an unanswered phone....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 23, 2005 04:02 PM

The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer

The Setting: A movie theater, at a screening of The Man starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy

Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Dude just peed in the pool!
Teen Ghost #2: This movie is hilarious, bro!
Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 23, 2005 09:29 AM

Funniest E-Mail of the Century

Bahahahaha! Oh man, it hurts. This was a real doozy. I subscribe to some advertising and media industry newsletters and one just came in today that had a poll asking which show would be the season’s biggest hit. Among the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2005 03:09 PM

Jon Arbuckle and the Spiders from Mars

O.K., you ready? Figure out this humdinger: Jon ponders, "Who knows? Maybe there are beings on other planets." And Garfield think-replies, "Yeah . . . Chickens would be nice," bearing some nefarious-looking fangs. What the fuck? This makes zero sense....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2005 03:09 AM

Tonight . . . and Beyond!

From: redevildog@yahoo.com To: angel_eyes1257@aol.com Subject: Tonight . . . and beyond! Dear Angela (such an appropriate name! Like the angels!) I wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time tonight, and I hope that you would like...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 22, 2005 03:05 AM

Raining Cats

Jon blames Garfield for everything except the weather, but Garfield wants to assume blame for that too. Presumably there's humor somewhere?...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 21, 2005 03:07 AM

Following the Letter of the Law, but Not the Spirit

The simple human instructs the wicked cat not to kick the retarded dog. Cat slaps dog instead....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 20, 2005 03:01 AM

The Cat Drinks Some Super-Caffeinated Coffee

Maybe it was espresso?...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 19, 2005 01:41 AM

Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952

-- I like singing, watching TV (Eight Is Enough!), and writing in my journal.
-- Apologies, my English is poor and for writing there is this nub of coal and this soiled rag only.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 19, 2005 01:18 AM

Dork Calling Orson

The dork calls for a pizza. By way of handwritten oak-tag sign, the cat instructs him to order something larger than large, and calls him a dork in the process. The dork cannot recognize a direct address without a comma,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 18, 2005 12:45 PM

Timber?

A tree falls and almost hits Garfield. It lands on Jon instead, probably killing him. What the fuck? How is this funny?...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 17, 2005 01:11 AM

Dealing with Dealers

I live in a gentrifying neighborhood. Someone on the block is dealing drugs that, I recently learned, are less benign than I'd assumed; he's dealing crystal meth. I believe that the drug laws are overly punitive, and I've never had...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 16, 2005 05:17 PM

Jon Looks Hungover (Stubble, Droopy Eyes) but Garfield Guesses Correctly That the Putz Was Out Late Because He Got Lost

You know, this strip used to be intentionally vague when it presented human-feline interaction, cleverly sidestepping the issue of whether Jon could "hear" Garfield's thought balloons. I think Jim Davis has just given up....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 16, 2005 01:02 AM

"Meow."

The cat displays its first ever bit of feline behavior, purring for its master. The cat then admits that its contrived mew was, indeed, sappy....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 15, 2005 09:38 AM

Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics

The Scene: None, except for one prop--a single piece of paper folded into an accordion.
Enter Actor. Picks up piece of paper, holds it in the middle, and places it under his nose--a moustache. He is now the Evil Landlord.
Evil Landlord: You must pay the rent!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 14, 2005 08:05 PM

Does the Appropriation by Target of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back" Disquiet You?

Your Disquieting Modern Trendsetters request the pleasure of your commentary. Is Target's recent "Baby Got Back (Pack)" advertisement a modern trend that sparks disquitude? Please drop Messers Layman and Osmond an e-mail....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 12, 2005 11:20 PM

How You Say, "Michel"?

"For the new novel, however, having paid Mr. Houellebecq (pronounced WELL-beck) a reported $1.2 million advance, his publisher, Éditions Fayard, has taken no chances." "The French Still Obsess Over Novelist of Despair" by Alan Riding, The New York Times, Sept....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 12, 2005 09:29 PM

Happy Cat

The ubiquitous kitty is seen reveling in his message of hope, of dreams fulfilled. When pushed further by his mildly retarded owner, the feline reveals the context: a shopping list of food!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 12, 2005 09:45 AM

The Cat Smiles

The gluttonous cat exhibits a Cheshirelike inability to drop his creepy grin, even for a second. It is because he consumed his master's last doughnut....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 11, 2005 09:40 AM

Cat Nap

The blissful, open-mouthed vapidity of the dog, combined with the goofy ineptitude of his mentally disabled owner, causes the cat to rhetorically ask if there's any wonder why he chooses to spend three-fourths of his day asleep....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 10, 2005 02:08 AM

Schrödinger's Call

The cat dials the local pizzeria and attempts to confound his mentally disabled owner by pretending the pizza dispatcher has called and wishes to speak to him....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 9, 2005 01:09 AM

Doing Our Part

Y.P.R. faithful, We're rarely serious (ask our parents, bosses, wives, fiancées, roommates and the people at Starbucks who correct us when we insist upon ordering a "large" coffee rather than bow to their needlessly complicated coffee-ordering nomenclature), but there are...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 8, 2005 03:05 PM

Bet There's a Half-Eaten Bag Stuffed under the Cat's Bed

The person points out that they've reached the penultimate bag of potato chips, which is, as the cat astutely points out, unfortunate and strange. Indeed....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 8, 2005 03:44 AM

Standing and Delivering

The awkward human wishes to be alone. The cat offers to stand guard....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 7, 2005 02:13 AM

Belabor Day

VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986” by the eponymous idle thinker, Mr. C. Monks....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 3, 2005 11:56 PM

Transmogrify This

"New Orleans is not fast or energetic or efficient, not a go-get-’em Calvinist well-ordered city."

--from "What It Means to Miss New Orleans" by Mark Childress, in The New York Times, Sunday, September 4, 2005.

"There will be pictures of bodies falling from the twin towers, beheaded kidnapping victims in Iraq and corpses still floating in the waterways of New Orleans five days after the disaster that caused them. It's already clear this will be known as the grueling decade, the Hobbesian decade."

--from "The Bursting Point," an Op-Ed column by David Brooks in The New York Times, Sunday, September 4, 2005.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 3, 2005 10:46 PM

The Unspoken Vasquez: James Cameron's Aliens, First Folio

Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron’s estate sale: Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,
But mark this dog my fuckfinger aloft.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 1, 2005 01:01 PM

More Graydonesque Haha

Pitching to Cousin Graydon by K. Robinson Carter, part of last year's Writers-on-Writing Series, and Postmodern Irony Final Exam by Josh Abraham....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 31, 2005 03:22 PM

Editor's Letter

Lame Ducks and Rocket Launchers Hi there. It’s me again. Guess what? George W. Bush is still in the White House in the midst of a second-term presidency and he’s still actively waging an unwinnable war at the cost of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 31, 2005 01:27 PM

Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution

The Iraqi Bill of Rights First Amendment--Freedom of Speech, Press, and Peaceable Assembly All Iraqis (except women, Sunnis, and Kurds), shall have the right of unabridged speech and press, and the right to assemble peaceably, so long as they keep...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 30, 2005 12:57 PM

Memo to the Executives

To: TV Development V.P.s From: Office of the President, Network Programming Re: Reality Programming--Tentative Pilots for Next Season Senior Home A live-camera look at daily life in a nursing home in Piscataway, New Jersey. Seniors picked as contestants will have...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 29, 2005 01:28 PM

Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum

Readers' stories deemed too smutty to print.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 25, 2005 02:11 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: White-Hot Legal-Eagle Point/Counterpoint Edition

Consider if you, will, Disquieting Modern Trends' first ever bone of contention: The Use of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" in the Target TV Spot

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 24, 2005 03:03 PM

An Animals' Forum: Was It Right for Researchers to Grow Human Brain Cells in My Head?

"We couldn’t rule out the possibility that certain experiments could potentially alter the cognitive or emotional status of the animal in ways that would be problematic from an ethical point of view."--Dr. Ruth Faden, biomedical ethicist, Johns Hopkins University Tallulah,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 24, 2005 12:01 AM

Eminem at the Ambient Hotel

I’m sorry, Mr. Mathers
From this I gather
You’ve dialed my number
because you cannot slumber? ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2005 07:07 PM

The Worst Harvard Alumna

Transcript of January 15, 1984 Telephone Conversation Glenda: Hello. Voice: Glenda Cleaver? Glenda: This is she. Voice: I am calling on behalf of the Harvard University student-loan program. You are six months behind on your payments. (Michael Jackson's "Thriller" swells.)...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 22, 2005 09:50 PM

Koolbalah

Kabbalah Energy Drink, which is packaged in a 16-ounce red, white and blue can, contains taurine--thought to help regulate heart rates, maintain cell membrane stability and detoxify the body--B vitamins and caffeine. The company says celebrities Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Ashton...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 19, 2005 09:04 PM

The Puck Stops Here

Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, breaks down the new N.H.L. in "They're Puttin' On the Foil!" over at "La Mesa Negra." Lace up your skates and have a read....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 18, 2005 11:58 AM

Sad Face/Happy Face

sad face: Hey, man, what's going down, yo. happy face: Aww, doo, what's up with your bad self?? sad face: Ya know, ya know. Keepin' it rizzo in the shizzo. happy face: I heard what you just said. sad face:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 18, 2005 11:43 AM

A Real Estate Agent’s Tour Of Hannigan’s Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists

Thanks for coming. You find it all right? I hope the directions were O.K. Some people get lost at the Maple Path part, but you just keep going, past the forest and over the hill until you hear the heartbeat...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 16, 2005 11:37 AM

J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

In which Y.P.R. milks more mirth from muggles and mudbloods.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 02:20 PM

Rowling’s Spawn*

At Hogwarts School did Rowling’s spawn A stately treasure-dome decree: Where Cash, the sacred stream rushed on, Through vaulted caves with sunlight gone     Down to a deep green sea. So twice five miles of well-worn ground With walls and towers...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 01:05 PM

The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto

O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? What do you mean? Haven't you been listening? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the death eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Make it sound really good, really creepy.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 12:57 PM

Numerous Events That Should Be Included in the Film Adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in Order to Widen Its Urban Appeal

Instead of mourning for godfather Sirius Black, Harry should spill a forty in his dead homie's honor. Quidditch should be dropped as Hogwarts’ official school sport; perhaps And-1's roster of notorious 'Playaz' could be employed to hasten the conversion to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 11:07 AM

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter

H.P.: Hi, there. I’m Harry Potter and this is my friend, Prince Harry. His mother was Princess Di. He doesn’t really look much like Prince Charles, which has led to some discussion about whether he is actually Prince Charles’ son....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 10:59 AM

Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty

Everything was going swimmingly for Harry Potter while he was at Hogwarts until he hit what would be the equivalent of the 10th-grade for a Muggle. During Harry’s second semester that year, he began to develop what we Muggles refer...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 06:55 AM

Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife

“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding.” The entire courtroom, including Harry, Hermione, and their lawyers, stood as Dumbledore walked through a door and up to the bench where he was to preside...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 15, 2005 05:12 AM

Advertise Here

AdAge had an article just the other day talking about how major advertisers can't control the online space like they'd want. They're busy wrestling with the hard-to-control content. Ohhhhh, aren't they strong. Actually, they are. If they can force a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 14, 2005 10:31 AM

This Isn't Working

Our friends over at Drink at Work will be débuting their new play, This Isn't Working, part of the 2005 New York International Fringe Festival, starting this Saturday, August 13th. You can catch all the times, dates, and other extraneous...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 11, 2005 11:07 AM

We'll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors . . .

Hello Y.P.R-keteers! We just wanted to poke our heads in the room for a moment to let you know that Y.P.R. will be back with brand-spanking-new content on August 15, 2005. For now, please peruse our copious archives of content...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 10, 2005 12:47 PM

We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime, Pt. II

Hi Jimmy, Just read an acticle about your huge head ["My Huge Head," April 10, 2003]. Exactly what is the size in cm or inches? My head is 62 cm (24 inches). Just wondered if my head is large or...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 5, 2005 04:22 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Summertime (and the Living Is Uneasy) Edition

The Singing of "God Bless America" During the Seventh Inning Stretch | The Overwhelming Preponderance of Central A.C. Even in Cities That Are Not Really That Hot in the Summer, Leading to General Decline in Moral Fortitude of Today's Youth | Impossibility of Purchasing High-Powered Explosive Fireworks at Any Cost Even in Redneck States | M.G.D. Still Packaged in Solar-Contraindicated Black Can Thereby Ensuring Warm Beer in Approximately 30 Seconds | Everybody Wearing Hawaiian Shirts Instead of Just (A) Hawaiians, (B) Robin Williams, and (C) The Guy on the Corner in Your Town Who Has No Job and Nobody Knows Why | Bomb Pops Any Color but Red-White-and-Blue | No One Drinks Fucking Kool-Aid Anymore | Too Many Kids on "Swim Teams" and "Dive Teams" Instead of Doing Cannonballs with Their Friends

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 27, 2005 11:45 AM

Aussie Love

In my office building the other day, I looked up at the you-have-no-option-but-to-stare-mindlessly-at-me-news clips screen in the elevator and felt exceedingly empty. No, it's not because I'm Australian. I felt empty for Captivision, the editor/information-gathering Oompa Loompas who feed Captivision...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 26, 2005 07:08 PM

Meet Your Subway Sandwich Artist

Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of bread you want for your sandwich and I pick it out for you!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 25, 2005 11:00 AM

A Field Guide to Selected Western Artists

So it’s been a while since that undergrad art history class where you staggered in hung over and fell asleep after the second slide was shown. Or maybe you managed to forget a little bit too much about that relationship...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 22, 2005 01:20 PM

LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible

Here he cometh, a 6’9”, 240-pound man-child, wearing a black Nike skullcap, a white T-shirt, and baggy shorts. For if there cometh unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 20, 2005 03:08 PM

The Adventures of Dr. Squat: "I Am Still the Eggman"

[Dramatis Personae.] Dr. Squat, English Professor ExtraordinaireA Serviceable Villain, the Thane of AcademiaThe Walrus, God Act V, Scene 2 [Trumpet sounds, English garden, waiting for the sun. Enter Dr. Squat, A Serviceable Villain, and The Walrus.] The Walrus: I am...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2005 07:33 PM

How to Win at Cards

Many of you will never have heard of the game daringly named "cards." This may be because you have working-class friends--or for another of a variety of reasons. However, this leads me from the point--that point being that I don’t...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2005 08:55 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: People Ruining America Edition

People Who Take Classes in Improv Comedy | Bloggers | People Who Still Wear Birkenstocks When They Could Be Wearing Tevas | People Who Shop at Costco | People of the Bottled Water Industry | People Not in the Military Using the Abbreviation "Gitmo" | Whoever Thought of Cross-Breeding the Cocker Spaniel and the Poodle | Californians--The Whole Lot of Them | The Producers of NBC's Today Show | Whoever Is Stealing Our Scissors | The Current Inhabitants of the White House

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2005 07:08 PM

Muggles, Mudbloods, & Morons

The Y.P.R. Book Club hereby declares Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Clam by J. K. Rowling its next selection. We'd like to see your magical parodies, deleted chapters, musical adaptations, illustrations, etc., whether you've read the book or not. Please...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2005 01:23 AM

All About Me: 12 Poems

  Caveman Someday I want to go spelunking again with 400,000 albino epileptics with tails. I haven't done it since I was a sperm. *     *     * Yamahaha I'm thinking about replacing my vital organs with a synthesizer....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 15, 2005 07:39 AM

Everlasting Gobstopper

In light of topical humor, may we present you with some recycled material? "Wonka'ed" by Geoff Wolinetz...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2005 11:05 PM

Judy and Jim in Paris

Ooh, Jim, take a picture. No, not of the Tower, you dunce--we already have a million of those. Turn around. All the way. Use your eyes! Well, I'm not going to point it out for you. Yes, finally. Isn't that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2005 12:43 PM

Hot Times, Summer in My Pants

The last time I checked in here was a long time ago. There are a few reasons for that. Number one being I'm arguably the laziest man alive. I spent many years of half-assed writing to arrive at a point...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2005 12:18 PM

Woody's Sketches for His Next Four Pictures

Project One Working Title: H & H Old friends, both playwrights, sit in a Greenwich Village café and discuss their contrasting views of life--Wallace Shawn claims that life is essentially comic, while Tony Roberts sees life as overwhelmingly itchy....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 13, 2005 12:19 AM

Will the Real Alvy Singer Please Stand Up (Please Stand Up)?

Stephen Rose. [Courtesy Susan Scott Lookalikes.] Antonello Avallone. [Courtesy something in Italian.] Not Woody. [Courtesy Jam Entertainment.] Not Woody and not Soon-Yi, either. [Courtesy Clowning Around.] Not Woody. [Courtesy a sidewalk in Oviedo, Spain.]...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2005 10:25 PM

Overheard in the Brainstorming Meeting for the Sequel to Million Dollar Baby

Three Men and a Million Dollar Baby?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2005 02:38 PM

Having Felled Gore Vidal with a Punch, Only to Hear the Line “Words Fail Norman Mailer, Yet Again,” Mr. Mailer Can Only Come Up with Answers in the Car, on the Way Home

No -- they fail you! As if they don’t, as well, sometimes also fail you, too. Sometimes. Bore Vidal. Just fuckin’ with you, man. Yeah? Well, self-defense fails you. Fat lips fail Gore Vidal. [Note: could lead to retaliatory...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 11, 2005 10:08 PM

Signs That Internet Dating Is Not Going Well for You

We’ve all been at that point: lonely, desperate, horny as hell. Computers are all around us. Why not pair up the two? Voilà!—Internet dating (well, after you use the computer for something else, that is). Simple, right? But it doesn’t...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2005 09:10 AM

Interview with an Interview with Ann Coulter

As I picked up a recent copy of Time magazine (April 25, 2005), I casually stroked the middle buttons of my fly with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand and realized that I was unquestionably terrified of this...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 7, 2005 09:40 PM

Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from "Seinfeld"

Characters Pride -- JerryEnvy -- ElaineSloth -- GeorgeGluttony -- Kramer Scene: Pride's apartment. Pride, Envy, and Sloth are standing around the kitchen. We come in the middle of a conversation. Pride: I could go without it for a couple of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 5, 2005 10:50 AM

Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives: Fourth of July Fourthiness. Independence is on the march, patriots....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 4, 2005 08:21 PM

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks

Come as you are. Load up on guns and bring your friends. Come out and play. Take out your clothes. Spring is here again—reproductive glands. Take your time, hurry up. Choice is yours—don’t be late. I'm so excited I can't...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 4, 2005 03:23 PM

"B.L.T.": A Review

The review copy of the "B.L.T." arrived at my house last week to no noticeable fanfare.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 1, 2005 09:01 AM

Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors

There's a casting call for an independent film seeking your dramatic talents and pretty faces. Plus: the chance to be directed by your humble Y.P.R. coëditor, Josh Abraham.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 30, 2005 08:47 AM

Who Wants to Watch "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

Hey, kids! Do you like the TV? As many of you know by now, Geoff Wolinetz, your humble coëditor, taped an episode of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" in December of last year. The show is no longer hosted...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 30, 2005 01:15 AM

Ten Tiny Poems

  The Opposable Thumb I don't care what it says-- hitchhiking is dangerous. *     *     * Two against One Fighting a pregnant woman was my first mistake. *     *     * Superstition My lucky number is four....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 28, 2005 09:50 AM

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project

It's hard to believe that 17 years ago the Human Gnome Project formally began. It was quite frankly a great day for all of us gnomes as we thought we had finally gained the attention and respect we deserved as...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 27, 2005 04:01 PM

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always

So I drove down to the airport to pick up James Tenney. Oh, I don't know . . . I been knowin' him for years now and I'm not sure it is how we met, probably at some wife-swapping key...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 24, 2005 08:59 AM

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms

[Ring, ring.] Bringer of Storms, how may I direct your call? I'm sorry, he's not here right now . . . O.K. Well, if I could help in any way. Well, fine, if that's the way. If that's . ....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 23, 2005 02:54 PM

Tom Waits for No Man

Taxi Driver: Where to, guv?
Tom Waits: Wanna go town, town, town, and don’t call me that name,
I said town, town, town, or I’ll take the train.
Taxi Driver: All right, ’Old your ’air on. Whereabouts? ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 22, 2005 04:28 PM

Misheard Song Lyrics, Schizophrenic Edition

Actual lyric: “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.”         -- “Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann Misheard as: “Animal robots at the post office will slice off your fingertips.” Actual lyric:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 21, 2005 10:25 AM

The People Recommend

Thank you for purchasing The 76 Stages of Heartbreak by William Layman. Your order will be shipped shortly. People who ordered this book also bought Healing Your Heart by Joanne Belonsky, The Lonely Planet Sex Tour of Thailand, and Getting...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 20, 2005 03:27 PM

We Keep Yelling "Rooster"

David Sedaris is delighted with Yankee Pot Roast.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 18, 2005 03:09 AM

Venice

1. I bring a runny nose and too many tank tops. Beth and I share a bed even though she’s still mad at me from the plane, from when she said Tommy meant nothing to her and I said she...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 17, 2005 12:59 PM

Molly Bloom Takes Manhattan

Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask to have a Pierre Deux basket for breakfast all those croissants and little jams Perrier like we did with that bat Mrs Riordan when shed meet us...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 16, 2005 02:18 PM

Morrissey Addresses the Graduating High-School Class of 2005

You are repressed, but you're remarkably dressed. Is it real? And you're always busy, really busy, busy, busy. The rain falls hard on a humdrum town; this town has dragged you down ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 15, 2005 11:45 AM

Out of the Blue

One Ben and I break up a few months after the aliens arrive in America. During the first few days after their landing, we promise to stay together forever and that nothing will tear us apart. Actually, it’s him who...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 14, 2005 11:11 AM

A Princeton Review Correspondent Overhears Some Tense Moments in Town/Gown Relations

A group of college students walk down the street, accidentally bumping into a group of locals. Local: Hey, watch it! Ben Q., sophomore: (Muttering.) Once off the campus, this non-centralized community lacks adequate public transportation. Local #2: Oh yeah? The...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 13, 2005 02:25 PM

Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com

From: Webmaster To: Hoobastank Street Team Hey, gang--I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there to those of you who are rallying on the message boards and MP3 blogs to get the word out! Hoobastank is out on...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 10, 2005 11:07 AM

United States' Puppet States and Their Respective Leaders

Grenada (1983-1984) -- Grover from Sesame Street. He zooms through the sky, smarter than a speeding bullet, furrier than a powerful locomotive, able to lead tall sandwiches in a single bound! Is it an eggplant? A meatball? No! It’s...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 9, 2005 04:50 PM

Dead Ends from Rejected "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" Books

From Code Name: Operation Mongoose: After some initial misgivings, you decide to authorize the Bay of Pigs invasion. Your policies of economic and diplomatic estrangement have done nothing to weaken Castro's power, and the whole thing with the mafia and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 8, 2005 12:10 PM

I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women

Oh, man, do I love Katie Holmes, who is a woman. And I also love women, in general.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 7, 2005 04:52 PM

J.S.F., Loud & Close

This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicited your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you’ve read the book or not. Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Blockby Angela Genusa...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 7, 2005 01:51 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: The City So Nice We Complain about It Twice Edition

"Family Values" in Times Square | The Relative Paucity of Large-Scale Civic Arts Projects by People from Europe with One Name | Those Little Blue-on-White Greek Diner Coffee Cups | The General Failure of Present-Day N.Y.C. to Be Like Taxi Driver | The Proliferation of Au Bon Pain like the Manhattan McDonald's It's Become

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 7, 2005 12:06 AM

Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

In which Y.P.R. is too clever by half.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 3, 2005 12:35 AM

Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer's Block

My name is Oskar Schell, I am nine years old, I am obsessed with encyclopedic trivia and I have writer’s block. One potato kugel, two potato kugel, three potato kugel, four. I could have a googolplex potatoes. A googol to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2005 07:57 PM

Everything According to Incredible Acquaintances

The following is a selection of testimonials from several people who claim to have crossed paths with Jonathan Safran Foer: His Cleaning Lady In beginning Jonathan was more nice of man and more like just nice boy. He says hello...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2005 06:42 PM

Correspondence between Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Krauss That Explains How They Wrote the Same Book

I wrote, Dear Stephen Hawking. And then I crossed it out and wrote, Dear Nicole. And then I wrote you a whole letter on a ribbonless typewriter. And then I put a key in the envelope. And then I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2005 05:41 PM

Intellectual Property

From: The Law Offices of Gimmy, Moore, & Lykitt, L.L.C. Dear Mr. Foer; We have been retained by Mr. Jim Carrey in a matter of copyright infringement concerning your latest book. We refer you to this statement in paragraph one...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2005 05:33 PM

A Scientific Proposal to the Executive Program Directors of the ABC, CBS, Fox, and NBC Networks

I know an omen when I see one, and it needn't even involve a two-headed goat.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 1, 2005 11:49 AM

Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn

Imagine vacuuming. Now, imagine the vacuum weighs 350 pounds. Now, imagine this 350-pound vacuum has a rotating blade that can take off a man's hand. Imagine that it does, only sometimes it's not a hand. Sometimes it's a leg. Sometimes...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 31, 2005 11:28 AM

Diamond Dave’s Sestina

Today I tore my ass-less pants when I tried to do a karate kick. It’s the exact same kick I did countless times when we laid down the “Jump” video way back in the Panama-hot summer of 1984. Dude,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 27, 2005 09:04 AM

I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp

  One of Whitman's Leaves of Grass Responds It started with a corpulent guy who loafed and looked for my soul, crawling on soft knees searching for stem and stone, bearded head lifted toward leaves and branches, looking for something...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2005 10:04 AM

A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone

The day begins with Genusa’s take on the classic getting out of bed, which is beyond belief on every level. She staggers to the coffee pot, to the tune of “Blister in the Sun.” Jesus, talk about a buzzkill. Caffeine,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 23, 2005 12:05 PM

The Weatherman's Weekend Forecast

Thanks, Bob. There's a lot going on in my life this weekend, so let's get started. Ex-girlfriend Donna is moving the rest of her stuff out as planned in an icy cold front Friday during rush hour, which is going...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 20, 2005 11:56 AM

On Dagobah Pond

A dawn in me, there is. Awake, I am. To be awake is to be alive. Met another who is awake, I have not. How would I look him in the eye? Three feet tall, I am.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 18, 2005 12:06 PM

Armadillo Pad

In the summer of 1993 I purchased a mounted armadillo for my natural history collection at a barbecue restaurant in Memphis, not because I agreed with the proprietor that it looked like Edwin Booth, the famous Shakespearean actor of the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 17, 2005 08:14 AM

My Continued Conversation with the Ghost of John Lennon

--It still makes me so sad, here, what, almost thirty years later. --Let it go, my friend. I have. --Sure, it’s easy for you, being, you know, pure spirit and all. --Sure. --Still, isn’t there a hankering, a yearning...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 16, 2005 12:56 PM

Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session

Bringing the doll to the 21st century.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 13, 2005 02:13 PM

We've Already Got a Two-Year Subscription, Thank You

...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 13, 2005 08:35 AM

Reasons Why the Female Characters in Certain Male-Written Fiction Are Not Like Actual Women at All

The Logical Reason We’re sorry, but trying to portray the thoughts, feelings, and motives of irrational people is actually impossible. Please, think clearly before you react. Irrationality precludes meaning, does it not? And meaning is what fiction is all about,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 11, 2005 09:44 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Big Apple Edition

Photographs in The New Yorker | Broadway Musicals That Are Just a Bunch of Pop Songs Grafted onto a Completely Bogus Plot | "Hands-Free" Devices That Make It Increasingly Difficult to Tell the Difference between People Who Are Merely Annoyingly Busy and People Raving Like Madmen at Themselves in the Street | The Proliferation of "I ♥ NY" Rip-offs

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 11, 2005 09:22 AM

A Salesman Reborn

Dear Bob, I am writing from a hotel room in Hackensack, New Jersey. You'll see the lovely stationery they offer their guests--for free. I had not expected this because in the establishments I am forced to patronize while on your...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 10, 2005 11:27 AM

Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant . . .

Secret #15 Sometimes I lie about my age Secret #27 I think mustaches are sexy Secret #29 I carry a rabbit’s foot with me on my first dates Secret #36 My favorite Beatle is Ringo Secret #46 I whistle...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 9, 2005 11:39 PM

Regarding My Teenaged Affair with Paula Abdul

Now that others are "outing" Ms. Abdul, I feel the need and desire to talk about what she and I had together back in the mid 1980s. It was simply a mismatch of worlds, but for a few wonderful months,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 6, 2005 09:20 AM

Godzilla vs. Godzilla

A chance meeting in a crowded sports bar . . . Godzilla: Oh my God, you're Godzilla--the baseball player! Hideki Matsui: Oh my God, you're Godzilla--the giant monster! G: My kid watches all your games on TV. H.M: My kid...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 5, 2005 01:09 PM

¡Flashback de Mayo!

Hey, remember Cinco de Mayo, 2003? Neither do we! ¡Cinco de Mayo! A Message from the Mexican Minister of Tourism ¿What Are We Doing with Our Empty Corona Bottles? ¡Don't Want No Mexican Radio! ¡How We're Celebrating Cinco de...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 5, 2005 01:45 AM

Press Secretary Scott McClellan Addresses a First-Grade Junior Achievement Class

Mr. McClellan: Hello, children. I'm happy to be speaking with you as a part of your Junior Achievement program. A couple of things, first of all, and then I'll take your questions. The president, when he heard that I was...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 3, 2005 10:54 AM

The New York Post-Times

All the news that's pit to frin

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 2, 2005 10:16 AM

My Weekend!

Friday Night! Friday had finally arrived! I remember I had 26 more fishhooks to bend and then I could’ve gone home. Of course, Ebenezer Buckwalds, my employer in the Fishhook Industry, somehow managed to find 200 unbent fishhooks under my...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 2, 2005 09:46 AM

As Reviewed by Ben Brantley

THE MUSICAL COMEDY ON BROADWAY is constant as a star, though in the luminescence of the New York skyline, or weather-permitting, sometimes difficult to glimpse. And pondering the stars in the firmament, whether in wishful desire or true appreciation of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 29, 2005 09:04 AM

Blog Never Written by Mommy Who Had Baby in the Days Before Blogs

Daddy is shaving. Baby is crying. Mommy is tired. [Comment: 0]

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 28, 2005 01:19 PM

Dear ABBA

The Swedish quartet answer readers' questions in their weekly syndicated advice column.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 27, 2005 11:00 AM

A.I. Wanna Rock and Roll All Nite

What follows is a transcript of a conversation between Gene Simmons, the bassist for the rock band KISS, and Terry Gross, host of NPR’s "Fresh Air," originally broadcast on February 4th, 2002, with Mr. Simmons’s responses replaced by those of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 26, 2005 04:39 PM

Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious

This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you've read the book or not. Please point your ingenuity this-a-way: hasselhoff@yankeepotroast.org. Recycled but relevant:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 25, 2005 11:55 PM

If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials

Dick Cheney: Mr. President, the latest poll numbers on Social Security reform are in. George W. Bush: Dick, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times--I don't care about the polls. The Lord is telling me how...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 25, 2005 11:25 AM

Airbag Warnings

Never sit less than 10 inches from the steering wheel because if the airbag inflates, you may be injured, up to, and including, decapitation. The air bag is not a pillow, or a toy, and must be kept out of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 22, 2005 11:26 AM

Hidden Affikomen

"Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder" "Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family"...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 22, 2005 10:40 AM

The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious

The biological and social differences between men and women are numerous, and they cause us a great deal of sexual anxiety that can be relieved through humor.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2005 01:33 PM

The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem

Hello, dear readers! I'm Michael Chabon, the world's most successful comic-book fanboy and the beloved, hunky writer of Wonder Boys and Spider-Man 2. Residents of Berkeley might also recognize me as the sensitive hunk Mr. December from the "Literary Beefcake"...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 19, 2005 10:31 AM

Frequently Asked Questions: The Social Security Debate

Q: What’s all this stuff I keep hearing about Social Security? A: Oh, nothing. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. Everything’s going to be fine. The President has everything under control. He’s just going to privatize it. It will...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 18, 2005 01:40 PM

I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With

I will drive to see you in my crotchety Volvo with the determined sensuality of a 1970s Elliot Gould.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 15, 2005 11:26 AM

Excerpts from Dick Cheney's Duck-Hunting Journal

Chest doesn't hurt so much today. I think sleeping in the duck blind all day helped a lot. Also switching from vodka to beer.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2005 11:44 AM

My Evening With CNN

Me: Hello, CNN. It's nice to see you. We haven't spoken for a while. What's new? CNN: Here are tonight's top stories. The stepfather of the teenager at the center of the Michael Jackson trial testifies. The Vatican will open...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2005 12:16 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: William Safire Edition

The Word "Conflicted," as in "To Feel Conflict" | People Who Say "Often" by Pronouncing the "T" | The Word "Liaise," as in "He Will Liaise with Marketing." | Spelling "Theater" Like This: "Theatre" | Goyim Who Use Yiddish Too Much |

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 12, 2005 09:12 PM

Reader’s Block

I hate deciding which book to read. The smallest things sway me. A seagull overhead makes me reach for Lord Jim. The temperature drops to minus one and I’m hunkering down with Miss Smilla’s Feeling for Snow. If I feel...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 12, 2005 01:32 PM

Sam Lipsyte's Home Land

In which Y.P.R. solicits your alumni updates, yearbook scribblings, and notes passed to high-school crushes.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2005 05:41 PM

Home Istan

Salaam alaikum, fellow Sand Cats! It is I, Mint Teabag. For those of you not familiar with that particular moniker, I also went by Bejeweled Dagger-Dick and Crust-Eye. I was excited when the mullahs finally lifted that ban on Internet...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2005 04:49 PM

Alumni Update from the Guy Who Sat Behind Me in Homeroom That I Never Talked to and Only Remember Because He Was Really into Candlebox

Although I've "left [it] far behind," Ramapo High School has left an indelible mark on me.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2005 03:45 PM

Catamount Encounters: Tips on Avoiding Trouble and Defending Yourself in an Attack

Adapted from Don’t Get Eaten: The Dangers of Animals that Charge or Attack by Dave Smith (The Mountaineers Books, $6.95, paperback). Limit your outdoor activities at dawn and dusk. Avoid catamount kill. Catamounts will cover a kill with dirt...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 11, 2005 12:18 AM

Sam Lipsyte, distinguished alumnus

Y.P.R. What is written about or to you in your high-school yearbook? Sam Lipyste Herewith I offer a few inscriptions from my yearbook, with annotations where needed, and names removed. 1. From a guy I used to drink with:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 10, 2005 12:13 PM

Prepping for My First Out-of-Body Experience

My guide to out-of-body travel, Dr. Morris Goldblatt, Ph.D., tells me that I can simulate my upcoming journey in the following way: Affix a mirror to the ceiling of an elevator, lie on the floor of the elevator so that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 7, 2005 11:51 AM

Raskolnikov Meets Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil: My first guest tonight is a man who has some impulse-control problems. Raskolnikov: What do you want? When will you leave off tormenting me? Dr. Phil: Hold it right there. Seems to me you need an attitude...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 6, 2005 11:17 AM

The Author of the Universe

Let’s say that you’re reading a short story by some guy named Jeff Haas when he decides to make you the protagonist. You’d have to admit that you’re in a pretty precarious position right off the bat, as Mr. Haas...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 5, 2005 03:20 PM

The Y.P.R. Mass Communiqué

will be infrequent, irregular, and unorthodox. Please do subscribe. Here. Name: E-mail: Something interesting: -->...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 5, 2005 10:18 AM

Temping in Vatican City

Day 1 Donna at CareerLaunchers wakes me around nine with a job that just opened up. The catch is it's in Vatican City. I ask if that's in Queens, and she says no, Italy. As I'm wondering if it's worth...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 4, 2005 10:35 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Cry in Your Beer for the Lost Promise of Your Youth or the Impending Irrelevance of Your Dotage Edition

We embrace the early stages of curmudgeonliness. We eye the ratty old coat of doubt and slip it on like Bacall getting into a mink.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 4, 2005 01:38 AM

Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005

An Obituary for the Pontiff, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database's Biographical Information Karol Wojtyla was born May 18, 1920 in Wadowice, Poland. He was 5' 10" tall (1.78 m). He is sometimes credited as Papez...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 2, 2005 08:34 PM

The Humor from China

1. Auditorium One day, I went into a restaurant to have my dinner. I waited for a long time, but no waiter served me. Seeing the people eating with great relish, I went to the chief of the dining...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 1, 2005 12:00 PM

My Laundromat picks

WASHERS There are eleven machines in all, but for simplicity’s sake, we’ll eliminate the one with two out of three knobs missing, the one with an ominous X of duct tape over the lid, and the one with “brokken” scrawled...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 30, 2005 03:50 AM

The Ant Watcher’s Handbook that Came Free with My Uncle Milton’s Ant Farm, as Reïmagined Using Other Famous Uncles

Uncle Sam’s Ant Farm Ants from the same colony are generally very loving to each other, but if you mix ants from different colonies, they will fight. Don’t mix your ants and start a war! Unless, of course, it’s in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 29, 2005 05:04 AM

Kafka + 2

Discarded from Early Drafts of Kafka’s Metamorphosis

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 28, 2005 11:43 AM

Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches

Thank You speeches from McDonald’s Employee of the Month, a Possible Publisher’s Clearinghouse winner, and the bearer of card with ten holes punched entitling patron to a free eleventh sandwich.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2005 08:46 AM

Extreme Vacations for Wordsmiths

Tired of word games at home? Do you need to spice up your literary life, recharge your repartée? Ellipses Guiding Services offers the finest in extreme literary entertainment. In addition to our old favorites, the Jack London Disappointment Peak Climb...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 24, 2005 01:19 AM

A Style Guide for Blog Parodists

As op-ed columnists have recently announced, something called a “blog” (short for “Web log”) has become very popular on something called the “Internet.” As savvy parodists with an eye for hilarious new trends, you are undoubtedly putting aside your unfinished...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 23, 2005 10:18 AM

Memo Regarding the Viability of Superheroes as Future Presidential Candidates

to: R.N.C. Chair from: Karl Rove re: Viability of Captain America, Captain Marvel (a.k.a. “Shazam”), and Black Lightning as Presidential Candidates Despite the 3% margin of victory during the recent election—an overwhelming mandate, quite certainly—it is well known that the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 22, 2005 11:47 AM

An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean

It comes with great sadness and shame that I admit to using steroids while writing stories for Internet humor websites in 2004. Each time before sitting down to write I would inject myself with anabolic steroids. A lot of it....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 21, 2005 10:17 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: "Guaranteed 100% Funnier!" Edition

Hi-ho, fellow travelers. We come to you this week with one simple thought: Wouldn't it be GREAT if things were better than they really are? Not so quick.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 21, 2005 02:34 AM

Dowd, Untouchable Mutant

If she seems cold and standoffish, it's because her slightest touch will siphon your energy and consciousness.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 20, 2005 01:18 PM

Ars Short Storica: A Guide for Aspiring Writers of Short Fiction

Lesson 1: The Bear at the Front Door It is a common saying among writing instructors that a good short story should begin with, “a bear at the front door.” This is taken by many to mean that a dilemma...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 18, 2005 09:26 AM

A Day in the Life of The New Yorker’s Fiction Editorial Board, if It Were a Person

5 a.m. I woke up five minutes before my alarm clock. The next five minutes, I spent thinking mediocre, pleasant, and, ultimately, breakfast-related thoughts. I love bagels, I thought. I felt profound and I felt that life was very profound...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2005 09:03 AM

Foreword

Dear Reader, The book of poems you are about to read marks the arrival of a gifted new writer to the literary scene. His voice, as you will quickly discover in this début collection, glimmers with raw energy, imagination, and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 16, 2005 10:05 AM

Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms: An Occasional Series

She plans to book into the hotel just after 1:30 p.m. The schedule her secretary gave her before she set out this morning stipulated that the check-in time was 2 p.m., but she is certain that being 30 minutes early...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 15, 2005 09:24 AM

How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle

So first you’ve got to get on the subway, sporting a tie-dyed T-shirt that warns, “It Ain’t Gonna Lick Itself.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 14, 2005 11:20 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends: Offspring Edition

The Failure to Name Children "Mick" or "Mickey" | The Proliferation of Child Protection Devices in Otherwise Convenient and R-Rated Homes | Lunchables | Holiday Cards Featuring Your Teenage Daughters at the Beach | Kanye West

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 14, 2005 08:46 AM

E-mail: liberties@nytimes.com

"I try to think of myself as Emma Peel in a black leather catsuit ..."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 13, 2005 02:25 PM

Niles from Frasier Takes Acid on an Overnight Spelunking Trip with Deebo from Friday and Reënacts Plato’s The Cave

My friend, we are in a cave. A very deep and profound darkness is all we can see.
Sounds good, bitch. I’ll bring the ladies.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 11, 2005 06:18 AM

Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse

“A Mr. Hamlet to see you, sir,” said Jeeves, having floated into the room as noiselessly as a fakir popping up in the middle of some sort of ritual pillow fight in the Far East. Hammy’s an old University...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 10, 2005 10:55 AM

Andrei Codrescu, exquisite corpse

Y.P.R. 1. Hey, what's up? A.C. Nothing as far as I can see, but that's bound to change as soon as they reverse my mood. Mr. Codrescu is a poet, novelist, an essayist, a screenwriter, a columnist for N.P.R., and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 10, 2005 10:22 AM

Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway

I am on the hunt. My hands feel gritty against the stock of my rifle. Sweat and dirt have tightened my grip. I turn to my faithful friend, Hobbes. “Do you have the scent of the prey?” “What prey?”...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 9, 2005 11:45 AM

Malcolm Gladwell's Blink!

Some spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgments regarding Malcolm Gladwell's Blink: The Power of Winking without Blinking.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 11:52 PM

Disquieting Modern Trends: iPod Edition

Music Too Hot for Work | People with Jobs That Make No Sense | Concern Over “The Obesity Epidemic” | Ringtones That Sound Either Like (A) Actual Songs, Not Cheesy Casio Synth-Songs or (B) Like Actual 1930s Telephones | “G-d”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 11:54 AM

Trapped in Malcolm Gladwell’s Hair

Day 1: It has taken me a while to get my bearings. I spent an unknown amount of time disoriented and unconscious, but I’m more lucid now and more comfortable. This environment is stifling and odorous. The best I can...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 10:39 AM

Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents

Scenario 1: My Father I’m watching “Evening at the Improv” in the mid-90s when my father enters the room. “What are you watching?” he says. “This comedienne named Ellen DeGeneres,” I say. “She’s pretty funny.” He snorts. “Looks like a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 08:24 AM

A Brief, Reasoned Argument to Counteract the Two-Second Judgment You’ve Made to Buy Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: the Power of Thinking without Thinking

This book is not going to help your fiction. Seriously. Don’t buy it for that. I mean, buy it if you really want to read it, but don’t buy it just because you think it’s got some revolutionary thing to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 06:51 AM

The Way We Live Now

Incoming! March 7, 2005 by your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, over at The Black Table....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 01:04 AM

Y.P.R. 3.1

O.K., Y.P.R.keteers, we're back again and this time everything's more or less working smoothly. The site's archives are being built up quite slowly, and you may find some links or pages to be working screwy. Wally, our tech assistant, is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 7, 2005 01:01 AM

One-Sentence Stories

IHappy ChristmasDarkening my day is the story already having leaked of Comet and Blitzen, selling their meaty, raw, tiny charges into slavery—their rotten and embarrassing behavior, now dubbed ‘Reindeer Syndrome’ by some Eastern Syndicate—the latest en vogue disease to get...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 25, 2005 09:16 AM

I Play a Jaw-Harp

I play a jaw-harp. You can call it a trump, a drumbla, a génggong, or a scacciapensieri; a vargan, a marranzanu, a kubing, or a good ol’ jew’s-harp, but there’s no mistaking the rhythmic, aggressive, driving beat of a metal...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 24, 2005 01:31 PM

Get Yr Blink On.

The Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgements regarding Malcolm Gladwell's Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking. Send us your reviews, parodies, deleted chapters, etc. by February 28th, 2005. Blink! 100 bonus points if...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 24, 2005 10:53 AM

When Yakov Smirnoff Was King

Date: December 26, 1991 yakov smirnoff: I just wanted to stop by in person to thank you again, Morty, for the booking at the Flamingo. This is a big one; I couldn’t be more excited. Back in Russia, they...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 24, 2005 08:44 AM

Sasha Frere-Jones, music critic

You’re in a time machine that’s powered by musical zeitgeist: it can traverse the time-space continuum, but its landing coordinates can only be programmed for, say, Manchester, late 70s, or Seattle, circa 1991, etc. Which music scene would you visit, and why?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 23, 2005 12:17 PM

Brushes with Llamas

Everyone in my neighborhood, I suspect, leaves for work at the same time. We drive along the main road between our development and the highway, where the funnel of an entrance ramp backs us up as far as the llama...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 23, 2005 10:47 AM

The Tragedy of Two Bills

THE CHARACTERS: William, a boy Billiam, a boy Six attack dogs (more optional) THE SCENE: Springtime. William and Billiam play stickball in a small, fenced-in yard, with William pitching and Billiam at bat. The fence is about as tall as...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2005 10:33 AM

R.I.P., H.S.T.

...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 22, 2005 08:45 AM

Disquieting Modern Trends Return: Hollywood Edition

Fairly-Priced, No Haggle Car Dealerships | Holiday Music Performed in Cool, Cutting-Edge Styles | The Passing of Téa Leoni from National-Level Consciousness | The Bill Murray-ization of Adam Sandler

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 21, 2005 11:49 AM

Help

There is no help.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 19, 2005 01:28 PM

Staff

The source of Yankee Pot Roast's power lies in a wooden staff that was presented unto Y.P.R. by a Nordic wizard. The staff was carved from solid balsa, and contains within power of immeasurable might. It can glow as brightly...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 19, 2005 01:26 PM

What It's Like to Have Sex with Me

You say, “(Pretend like you’re rapping in French).” I say, “Those are stage directions. Notice the parentheses.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 18, 2005 11:43 AM

Rapid Eye Movements

Dear Y.P.R., Seriously—that blinking Malcolm Gladwell freaks me out. Make it stop. I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight. Yours, Brian Graham...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 18, 2005 11:29 AM

Y.P.R. 3.0

Folks, Welcome. As you can see, we've finally caught up with late-20th Century technology. Our upgrade is still underway, and you'll notice most of our archive links go nowhere. Please be patient with us as we rejigger our gears over...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 17, 2005 08:46 AM

David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist

The infinite footnotist summarizes Two and a Half Men and Weekend at Bernie's II.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 17, 2005 08:34 AM

This Is the Week That Is

Incoming! February 14, 2005 by your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, over at The Black Table....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 15, 2005 01:52 AM

Music for the Masses

Hey, kids! Do you like the rock 'n' roll? If so, head on over to Matthew Tobey's City of Floating Blogs to check out the O.C.D.-enabled megalist of 500 bestest songs ever, compiled from suggestions by the Internet's finest...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 15, 2005 01:44 AM

Dear Wikipedia

Dear Wikipedia, Recently we took off on an endeavor for a publishing house that required one single piece of information about nearly one thousand individuals: We needed to know their date of birth. Since we live in a nation...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 11, 2005 04:53 PM

How to Write a Book

Do absolutely nothing until you can see the whites of your deadline’s eyes.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2005 04:57 PM

From Nairobi with Love

Geoff, Someone just e-mailed me your rather innovative letter to Lesotho, which I've pasted below to refresh your memory. Let me say plainly, despite your assertion to the contrary, that I've never touched Lesotho soil, or anyplace else on Lesotho....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 15, 2005 07:53 PM

It's Shauna, but Most Guys Call Me Shawna.

Well, I don't think there's any way of figuring out the spelling, because according to the (supposedly) original script (http://www.hundland.com/scripts/FerrisBuellersDayOff.txt), on page 189, it's: BOY: What's your name? JEANIE: Jean. What's yours? BOY: Garth Volbeck. And that's all these grubby...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 5, 2005 08:01 PM

MMIV Wrap-Up

In January of this year, as this humble journal was approaching its first anniversary, our pioneering colleagues at Haypenny announced that the time had come to close its imaginary doors forever. Y.P.R. was shocked and saddened by this news,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2005 10:32 PM

Christmastime Is Here

In which Y.P.R. posts some holiday cards it's received from extended family.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 24, 2004 09:41 PM

A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys

As the holiday season approaches, our family would like to share news of the extraordinary changes and growth we’ve experienced this year. As many of you know, my husband, Frank, has been prone to embarrassing bouts of intestinal gas after meals.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 24, 2004 09:37 PM

Season's Greetings

The bruises are starting to fade and I feel lucky this time.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 24, 2004 09:36 PM

The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter

The kids are doing OKAY. Jimmy has a restraining order against him by his third wife, Melly.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 24, 2004 09:30 PM

The Annual Holiday Newsletter from the Guy Who Does the Voiceover for NBC Primetime TV Previews

It’s been an EXPLOSIVE 2004 for the Jones family. You WON’T BELIEVE when you hear what’s been happening. First, in a SHOCKING TWIST ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 24, 2004 09:27 PM

Letter from the White House to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum

The White House has recently been informed that you have created a new Nativity scene, with biblical characters being portrayed by wax sculptures of sports legends, entertainers, and political leaders. We loved Charlton Heston as Moses.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 23, 2004 09:14 PM

Selected Tips from Emily Post's Etiquette for Ukrainian Dinner Parties

When choking or strangling, see to it that the victim’s chair is first pulled back six inches from the dinner table, so that his flailing arms and legs do not upset the place setting.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2004 09:08 PM

Letter of Rejection to Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil, Thank you for submitting your application for the director’s position at the National Institutes of Health. As the N.I.H. is the principal force guiding America’s efforts in medical research, we have strived to consider every candidate’s application...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 8, 2004 02:35 AM

Freeze! This Is a Bust!

The buxom broads at Bust magazine have had the good taste to select Y.P.R.'s Bea Arthur T-shirt as part of its 2004 Holiday Gift Guide. Yup, there we are: right under "Gifts for Your Gay Boyfriend." Huh. Um. Available in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 7, 2004 05:58 AM

Advice from Topeka

“Never trust nobody & you’ll live a long life.”                               —Edna Peatree A woman slips a note into a copy of the latest Reader’s Digest on sale at a shop at Dallas airport. The note reads: Hi. I’m Muffy. I'm young...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 7, 2004 02:28 AM

“American Pie”—A Fresh Slice

The song “American Pie,” by Don McLean has been heavily analyzed since it was first released in 1972. As with many popular songs containing largely symbolic lyrics such as “Stairway to Heaven” or “Hotel California,” the song’s meaning is examined...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 6, 2004 08:46 AM

What Truffaut Taught Me

I knew nothing of the world. Experience abandoned me to my adolescent womb, my senses dull from disuse. Then, one day, I ran away. I ran and the strong ones followed, determined to invalidate my freedom. When they got close,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 3, 2004 10:51 PM

Blurbs from My Conservative Colleagues for the Back of My New Conservative Book

"Matthew Tobey's words are like bubbles of poisonous foamed milk in the double nonfat half-caff lattes of liberal America!" --Michael Savage

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 11:47 PM

The 2005 Associated Press Stylebook Supplement for the Liberal Media

Acceptable synonyms for Republicans: bastards, Republican bastards, idiots, morons...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 11:21 PM

An Excerpt from Bill O’Reilly’s Upcoming Book, How to Have Hot Sex Using a Falafel: For Kids

Now, I know there are some in the liberal élite who frown on incorporating a falafel into hot sex, especially when it comes to teaching kids how to have hot sex with a falafel, but those high-minded intellectuals are so out of touch with today's society that I don't really care what they think.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 10:50 PM

A Fairly Balanced Look at Rightwing Propaganda

In which Y.P.R. reads and absorbs the neoconservative worldview.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 09:33 PM

Demonic Bias: A Review of Ann Coulter’s How to Talk to a Liberal (if You Must): the World According to Ann Coulter

I am not convinced that Ann Coulter is actually the devil, even though she is wearing a blue dress on the cover of her new book ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 09:21 PM

The Enemy Within

Oooooooh, yeah! Friends, Macho Man’s gonna tell you a little story right now. In one corner, we have the people who represent good, clean American living. They’re the people that pay their taxes on time. They’re the people that are...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 03:33 PM

At the Cover Shoot for The O’Reilly Factor for Kids

Deborah Feinberg, photographer. Bill O’Reilly, author/subject. Deborah: Bill! Where the hell are you? We only got twenty minutes here. O’Reilly: I was just looking for something. I had this idea. Deborah: Come on outta there. I got everything set up....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 12:02 AM

Ann Coulter Consults Her Mentor

I’ve searched all over for cameras, and I got those egg cartons up now, so nobody can listen through the walls. I even balanced a bottle on the door knob, so we’ll know if someone jiggles it. I think it’s...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 12:01 AM

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids: Chapter 4, “Toys”

Hey kids, Bill O’Reilly here, and I’ve got some tips for you in regards to the kind of toys you should have if you want to grow up to be a stand-up guy or gal. But first, the Talking Points:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2004 12:00 AM

Morons

Folks-- I’m assuming that it wasn’t ironic on the table of contents of the One-Question Interviews that you misspelled my name the other way. If it was intentional, it doesn’t work. If it wasn’t intentional, it makes you look sloppy....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 30, 2004 05:21 PM

Five Disquieting Modern Trends

Look, we don’t want to be whiners or hopeless Luddites, but the modern world is clearly headed in the wrong direction. We’re not talking about hip-hop, computers, or reality TV, all of which we endorse with the zeal of a cocker spaniel at a ha’ smoke1 cook-off on the first day of spring.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 30, 2004 11:43 AM

“Dear John” Letter from Oprah’s Dog

Dear Oprah, I think you know why I’m writing this letter. Do you think I enjoy sitting around all day on my orthopedic doggie bed watching Stedman complain about the dust on the wainscoting? Neither of us has seen...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 29, 2004 01:51 AM

All That Was Left of My Novel after the Fire

" . . . and for the first time since Arbor Day, I truly felt alive."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 24, 2004 11:26 PM

Response to E-Mail from a Princess

Exotic Mid-East princess! Well, Shazam! Tossed from your family’s ancient royal chair. You need my help; you’re chased, you’re on the lam; And for my aid, your regal jewels you’ll share. But do I know you will? Oh! Should...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 23, 2004 02:45 AM

Memo to Outgoing Cabinet Members

Memorandum to: All Cabinet Members Dear Secretary of _______________: Good news! You're resigning. For your convenience, below is a suggested template for use in the drafting of your resignation letter. You are encouraged to personalize by copying it over in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 22, 2004 03:12 AM

New York Stories

NM2NY-1 In New Mexico the moon glistens as though cut from a frozen grapefruit. It can be a wedge on the hard lip of the canyon or a rind high above the mesa, but it is always sharp and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 18, 2004 01:37 PM

What You Can Do with This Story

This story is to be taken liberally, directly after a meal. It is not intended for anyone 13 years or younger (unless accompanied by an adult) or for anyone with a pacemaker. It is available in Braille, Middle English, Ryukyuan,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 16, 2004 01:28 PM

How to Get a Boyfriend, as Explained to Me by My 11-Year-Old Sister

Wear glitter eye shadow. Ignore that he’s shorter than you by, like, a foot. Practice roller-skating, because that’s what you’ll have to do together, but don’t actually own any roller skates, because that’s just retarded. Don’t say retarded, it’s mean to retarded people.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 15, 2004 12:15 AM

Excerpt from Tuesdays with Yasser by Mitch Al-Bomb Hawari

The last class of my old benefactor’s life took place once a week in his compound, by a window where he could watch the I.D.F. soldiers surrounding him, isolating him from all of society. The meetings were on Tuesdays after...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 12, 2004 12:12 AM

The Speechwriter

First rule in this job is always to meet your deadline. You gonna leave the Chief to go on TV empty-mouthed like a puppet?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 11, 2004 02:49 AM

The Norman Rockwell–Axl Rose Correspondence

Use Your Illustration, Parts I & II

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 9, 2004 12:00 AM

Excerpts from Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly

KERPLUNK! Books ("Books that Really Make a Splash") presents: Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly From the Introduction: Let’s make this clear: I’m not here to “rag” on my fellow bathroom attendants. I’m writing this to show you—what...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 8, 2004 03:33 AM

Thank-You Notes to America

or, Struggling with Optimism in the Face of a Mandate by Three New Yorkers & a Michigander Dear Youth of America, It’s a good thing you spent this past Tuesday as you would any other: taking bong hits on...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 5, 2004 12:54 AM

Victory Speech by the Leader of the Moderate, Pro-Choice, Anti-War, Environmentalist Undecided Voters of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, for Bush

Good evening, fellow members of the M.P.C.A.W.E.U.V.O.C.C.O.F.B. Well, we did it! [Cheers and applause.] This is truly a great day for us, and for all America. The candidate we settled on at the very last minute has emerged victorious, and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2004 04:09 PM

Perhaps There Is Life on This Planet

I have returned, albeit briefly, to my desk job at this Somewhat Less Major Media Company. It is April now, though the weather hardly portrays the month that I have come to know over my years here. The harsh,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 3, 2004 02:45 PM

The Rolling Stone Interview with George W. Bush, Part I, by Kurt Loder

W: Hey—you know what’s on my Top 10 Best Records of All Time? Do ya?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2004 11:14 PM

Excerpt from The Family Matters: The Real Story of the Winslow Dynasty

Judy Winslow disappeared after the fourth season.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2004 09:12 PM

Kitty Kelley's The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty

In which Y.P.R. throws (Heinz brand) tomatoes at Ms. Kelley's tell-all biography about our nation's first family.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2004 08:49 PM

The Adams Family: My Ill Fated Attempt at Writing a Tell-All Biography about the Adams Dynasty without Doing Any Actual Research

The White House at that time was not really white but was actually the hollowed-out carcass of a grizzly bear.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2004 08:45 PM

Kelley Putty!™ Fun for the Whole Family!

Hey, kids! Tired of boring old Silly Putty™—that gook in a plastic egg you can slap down on a comic and it picks up the image?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2004 08:14 PM

Truth Is Beauty

It will come as no surprise to the more acute among our readers that President George W. Bush, at times given over to unfortunate inarticulateness, in fact follows in a formidable tradition of stuttering bards, from Cervantes to Lewis Carroll.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 1, 2004 08:03 PM

Geometry

father: Whad’ja learn in school today? daughter: Nothing. father: Don’t lie to me. I know better. daughter: You don’t. You’re too old and foggy-groggy-brained. father: Goofy-gruffy-froggy-brained, you mean. daughter: Don’t get parabolic with me. father: Palaveric maverick. daughter: Be respectful...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 28, 2004 11:11 PM

Ten Things You Used to Be Able to Get Away With in Grade School but You Probably Can’t Get Away With at Work

Your boss is really chewing out Jonesy, a colleague and after-work drinking partner, in a manner that you feel is quite inappropriate for the alleged transgression: falling asleep at his desk. So you creep up behind him and quietly get...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 26, 2004 02:12 AM

The Wrong Man’s Burden

with apologies to Rudyard Kipling. (On second thought, shouldn’t he be the one to apologize?) Take up the Wrong Man’s burden— And ne’er apologize; Just change the war’s objective And amplify your lies. There were no kites or music, Nor...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 25, 2004 04:18 PM

I Named the Dog "Indiana"

subject: Your Insight Sought! Dear Yankee Pot Roast, Today, I adopted the most adorable puppy from the shelter. F.A.Q.: Heyyy now, doesn’t everyone consider their puppy/ mewing, puking infant/ genitalia the most adorable? A: I have evidence. Of the puppy’s...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 24, 2004 03:27 PM

Memo to Human Resources

Regarding the recent complaint lodged by “C” (and we all know it’s Caroline from accounting), I feel compelled to offer this point-by-point response.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 21, 2004 11:14 PM

Your Future in the Stars: Introducing the Department of Homeland Astrology

Aries You are one crazy diamond, Aries, and it’s not because the transit of Mars through your solar twelfth house has lasted over seven weeks. It’s because you think that fueling your Korean sedan with vegetable oil and living in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 20, 2004 04:32 PM

12 Easy Steps to a Better You

Workaday blues got you down? Sick of your job, spouse, and/or children? Convinced that life is just a long, desperate descent toward oblivion, punctuated by pain, loss, and disappointment? Well, you’re in luck—because we’ve got a dozen simple suggestions that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 19, 2004 11:21 PM

Things You Can Accomplish before Conan Takes Over The Tonight Show in 2009

Long-term life projects while you wait to catch the talk-show host one hour earlier.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 18, 2004 01:45 AM

Blurbs

"...they're just working class dudes who happen to be pants-down funny." --The Black Table "charming guttersnipes" --Gawker "pithy and always entertaining" --Maud Newton "cheeky young lads" --TMFTML "totally McSwys without the air of condescension." --whatevs (dot org) "no-foolin', laugh-inducin' literary...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 13, 2004 11:08 PM

Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate

The weather reports remained unread in the Skipper’s cabin, and the Minnow WAS lost.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 7, 2004 05:15 PM

At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004

An Obituary for a Comic, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Jacob Cohen was born in Babylon, New York, in 1921. At some point, he adopted the stage name Rodney...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 6, 2004 04:26 AM

The Recently Recovered Love Letters of Vincent van Gogh

May 24, 1888 Dear Rachel, Look, I’m not trying to get you back. I understand you don’t want to see me anymore. Fine. I just want to apologize for last night. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 6, 2004 04:14 AM

My Predictions for Major League Baseball’s Post Season

Celebrity Red Sox fan Ben Affleck will make headlines when he murders Pedro Martinez in cold blood.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 4, 2004 11:29 PM

Mootpoint

My Almost Interminable Conversation with Famed Literary Minimalist, Nicholson Baker August 2004 Sheraton Suites on the Hudson Weehawken, N.J. nick: Testing, testing . . . will: What’s with the tape? nick: Don’t you think it lends an air of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 11:39 PM

Reviews for Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint that I Started to Write before Realizing I Was Thinking of Something Else

Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint is a tour-de-force roller coaster of a book, worthy of a place on anyone’s bookshelf. The hotly anticipated sequel to The Old Testament, the book compiles several accounts of the life of Jesus Christ of Nazareth as...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 10:37 PM

Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam Synopsize Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint

bugs: Nyaah, what’s up, doc? sam: I’m a-gonna kill that varmint president. bugs: No you’re not. sam: Yer doggone right I am. And no flea-bitten rabbit’s a-gonna stop me. bugs: Oh yeah? sam: Yeah. That no good mangy varmint’s gotta...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 07:11 PM

Checkmate

From the book’s inside flap: Meet Bobby. Meet Boris. Bobby Fischer has summoned his old foe, grandmaster and former World Chess champion Boris Spassky to his hotel room in Reykjavík, Iceland, the site of their 1972 match for the World...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 06:07 PM

Checkmate, Checkpoint!

—a deleted scene— page 41 jay: Excuse me for a second, I’ve got to take a dump. ben: Sure. jay: No, I’m kidding. ben: I see. jay: No, kidding again. I really got to go, man. ben: O.K. jay:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 05:37 PM

How to Conduct a Sincere Discussion Group on Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint with a Disruptive Norwegian Forest Cat on the Premises

In the spirit of the novel being discussed, arrange to meet in a hotel room in Washington D.C. Search the Internet for flight and hotel rates while playfully reciting Baker’s muscular dialogue and pretending to shoot your friends with...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 11:55 AM

Gina Gershon and the Persian Subway Plot, or, There Are No Wheat Thins in Tehran

The following transcript of a hotel-room conversation by two Iranian diplomats has been translated from the Farsi by some Persian kid who works the coffee stand outside the N.Y. headquarters of the F.B.I. mo: Well, what the fuck do we...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 11:09 AM

If Checkpoint Were Based on Conversations I’ve Had with My Grandparents

grandfather: You don’t like ham. me: That’s not true. I like ham. grandfather: Well, what am I going to do with all this ham I bought if you don’t like ham? Why are you so picky anyway? I bet you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 02:50 AM

Nicholson Baker's Checkpoint

In which Y.P.R. solicits your parodies, deleted chapters, foreign mistranslations, screenplay adaptations, off-topic reviews, and random thoughts whilst reading the zeitgeisty political thriller.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 02:16 AM

Some Failed Parodies of Nicholson Baker's Checkpoint

William Shakespeare's Chequepoint Clement's Inn London August, 1479 jay: By and by, I say that King Edward IV art the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. benvolio: Yeah, but whattaya gonna do? jay: It makes us, or...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 1, 2004 02:11 AM

Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis!

Dear Ms. Hingis, Congratulations! We here at the International Society of Foreheads have had our eye on your for quite some time. That is one large and shiny forehead you've got there, Ms. Hingis. Now that you've more or less...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 30, 2004 11:31 PM

Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan!

Dear Jill, Oh man, when I was a little kid, I used to love watching "The Love Boat." My favorite was during the opening credits when everyone would shill for the camera as their name flashed on the screen. I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 29, 2004 11:30 PM

UPN or Made Up?

“Kevin Hill” Kevin Hill is a hotshot attorney and a hotshot bachelor, until he inherits a 10-month-old baby girl. As he struggles to adapt his lifestyle in order to take care of Sarah, his law firm starts to cut back...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 29, 2004 04:21 AM

Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones!

Dear Jeffrey Jones, By God, you were wonderful in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The role of bumbling, ill-fated Principal Rooney was just marvelous for you. I can't even conceive of anyone else playing that role now that you've done it....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2004 11:28 PM

Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff!

Dear Hilary, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I. Hate. You. Happy 17th...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2004 09:22 PM

Andrew Vachss, creative factory

Y.P.R. 1. Man alive! You crank out creative product like you’re hepped up on speed. What’s your writing schedule or routine look like, and how do you thwart writer’s block? Andrew Vachss I don’t have a schedule, much less...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2004 05:11 PM

Ned Vizzini, chill squipster

Y.P.R. 1. As the editors of Y.P.R. approach the age of 30, we increasingly find ourselves in fits of white-hot jealousy and berserk outrage when we learn of young success stories. Looking back on your (slightly) younger days, were...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2004 05:07 PM

J. T. LeRoy, young Turk

Y.P.R. 1. “Terminator”? What kind of a pen name is that? Please explain/defend yourself. J. T. LeRoy I was tricking on the street and it was a name these other boy kids gave me as a joke because it...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 28, 2004 05:05 PM

Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne!

Dear Avril, Happy 20th Birthday! I totally hope you have the best birthday ever and don't die! I hope it's a great day start to finish, and you're not attacked by rabid dogs or infected with any Third World diseases...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2004 11:24 PM

Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!

Dear Mr. Brimley, Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2004 11:22 PM

Why Cheese?

byCheese-Fancying Readers of Y.P.R. In our (now antiquated) submissions guidelines, we asked writers to include with their work a list of three reasons why they liked to eat cheese. There was no good reason for asking this—or if there...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2004 02:31 PM

Allston’s Favorite Drunk

Hi Y.P.R., Just reading your “Dear Y.P.R.” section and came across the letter from Alexis Tirado, titled “Seen and Heard in Boston.” She shows a photo in a deli window and then posts several photos of an “odd pied piper...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2004 02:15 PM

Dispatches from the V.I.P. Lounge

Dear Brian, I have been inside the V.I.P. lounge for fifteen minutes now. It is lonely without you. So much noise, so much movement, so many Kangol hats. I have been preparing for this moment for so long, but I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 27, 2004 01:44 AM

Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry!

I swear I'm trying, but after 15 years of blissfully obeying your Hakuna Matata philosophy, I'm starting to worry again.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 26, 2004 11:27 PM

Who's Your Momma?

from: Robin Slick [Robin81700@aol.com] O.K., since you asked, and I’m so glad you did, I will tell you what I’ve been up to. This summer I went on tour with my rock star kids. There's a movie made about them...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 23, 2004 03:12 PM

A Wee Bit Sticky

My name is Frankenwurst Von Richter. My friends, of which I regretfully have none at this time, call me simply Frank. It is mainly Haileesh, the attendant at the filling station where I retrieve my sodas--which I dearly love (sodas)--who...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 20, 2004 01:03 AM

What's Goin' Down in the Boogie

It seems that every time I tell someone I live in the Bronx, they crinkle their brow and make sad puppy dog noises. Let me just grab my little Marcus Dairy milk crate over here and prop myself up, O.K.,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 16, 2004 08:04 PM

Conversations with My Mother Which Suggest She May Secretly Be a Primatologist

“Go to your enclosed habitat.”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 14, 2004 11:50 PM

Hal Sparks, funny person

Who do you encounter more often, fans who think you're really queer as folk or fans who think you really love the 80s?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2004 05:13 PM

Patton Oswalt, funny person

Y.P.R. 1. Hey, you're pretty funny dude. Could you tell us a joke? Patton Oswalt Yes! I'm a professional comedian. It's fun, always having jokes and funny stories to tell. I love making people laugh. Thank you for asking! Mr....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2004 05:01 PM

Todd Barry, funny person

Y.P.R. 1. Does male pattern baldness directly amplify one's sarcasm? Todd Barry I was sarcastic long before I saw any signs of M.P.B. Mr. Barry is a standup comedian all over the television set. His Web home is todbarry.com....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2004 04:53 PM

Marx and Engles to Spite

Today, I received an interesting present. Sitting on my piece of real estate in the biology lab was a hardcover edition of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2004 04:32 PM

Marc Maron, funny person

Dear Mr. Moron ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2004 11:41 AM

Kim Needs to Talk

from: Kim Bosch [kbosch@uoguelph.ca] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] My dear Y.P.R., Can you give me $48,000 dollars? Canadian dollars? I ask only because I really need the money. You see I would like to try and go to school in N.Y.C....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 13, 2004 11:19 AM

The Scrolling Book Club

Welcome to the Y.P.R. Scrolling Book Club--a forum wherein classical works of literature are presented in linear fashion. The texts of these great books by long-dead authors (surely spinning triple lutzes within their coffins) are now in the public domain...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 10, 2004 05:11 PM

Three Quick Ones

Really Tough Improv Suggestions

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 9, 2004 10:33 PM

How to Make the Most of This Desert Island Experience

How does the savvy shipwreck survivor keep himself busy in these crazy times?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 8, 2004 11:54 PM

I Was a Virgin Sex Doll

I am an inflatable doll purchased at the Hustler store.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 7, 2004 04:41 PM

Zello, Dolly!

Senator Zell Miller, and country singer Dolly Parton. Photo found by Rob Theakston.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 3, 2004 11:29 PM

Deleted Lines from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Speech at the Republican National Convention

Vote George W. Bush for your Commando-in-Chief!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 2, 2004 05:40 PM

My Keynote Address for Tonight’s Family Dinner

While I acknowledge these weaknesses in our family, I am profoundly optimistic about our future. Ours is a great family because we have faith, we have unity, and we have TiVo.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on September 1, 2004 07:40 PM

The As-Yet-Unaired Third "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" Advertisement

John Kerry borrowed five dollars from me, and when I asked for it back, he shook his head, looked confused and said, “What five dollars?”

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 31, 2004 07:17 PM

Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. 2004

In which Y.P.R. covers the Republican invasion of its home town.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 30, 2004 07:19 PM

How to Protest the Republican National Convention without Giving Up Your Last Weekend at Your Friend’s Timeshare on Fire Island

Find someone who seems approachable, then, over drinks, inform her that Bush’s tax cuts overwhelmingly favor the wealthy. If she seems responsive, quietly excuse yourself to hook up a Coldplay ballad on the jukebox.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 30, 2004 05:34 PM

From "The Amazing E-mail Letters of Dr. Maria Marinario and Dr. Humphrey Ichovitzsky"

I recently read your article, "The Sex Life of Starfish,"� and viewed the accompanying video with your photograph on its cover. I found it all most elucidating.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 26, 2004 04:37 PM

William Shakespeare, da Bard

Shall I compare thy booty to a summer’s day, bitch?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 25, 2004 12:01 AM

"I Fucked Choire"

"It was dark and there were six of us (we five + Choire), some coke, and a 36-pack of Trojans. In the morning nobody could remember what did who ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 07:07 PM

Choire Sicha Is Not Who You Think He Is

Ms. Zulkey delivers the inside scoop on Mr. Sicha's secret origins ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 06:30 PM

The Choire Sicha Roast

In which Y.P.R. hosts a communal Roast of the erstwhile Gawker editor. Roasters hail from throughout the blogosphere.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 06:14 PM

A Very Short Roast

In a remarkably short period of time, Choire has ruined my life in multitudinous ways ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 06:12 PM

Choire Sicha, Literary Critic

Titles of books, and the likelihood of their appearance on Choire's bookshelf.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 02:38 AM

My Site Meter's Best Friend

To see it spelled as he spells it and hear it pronounced as he fancies having it pronounced follows the same logical pattern as pointing to a papaya and saying "fidget."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 01:56 AM

Choire Destroyed My Art Career

Like a cheap extra in a vampire flick, he chewed up my paintings willy-nilly and spat them out like so much stale Bubble Yum.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 23, 2004 12:04 AM

Danny Gregory, watercolor journalist

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 20, 2004 02:13 PM

Canis latrans

Dear Wile E. Coyote: I have noticed that over the years, you have ordered a lot of merchandise from the good people at the Acme corporation. You must've spent a lot of money on Acme stuff, trying to catch the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 19, 2004 04:52 PM

Stephen Elliott, lover of the electoral process

Y.P.R. 1. How’s it going? Stephen Elliott It’s going well. We did a fundraiser last night for MoveOn.org. I organized the reading with Peter Orner and we co-hosted. It was our third event; we’ve been doing them monthly on the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 19, 2004 03:29 PM

Andrew Sean Greer, planetary pathfinder

Y.P.R. 1. What’s going on? Andrew Sean Greer I am staring at a box of Safeway-brand Grape Nuts rip-off called “Nutty Nuggets” and wondering why I ate that instead of the other cereal I like better, a Safeway-brand Post...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 19, 2004 02:03 PM

Dan Kennedy, small-talking memoirist

Y.P.R. 1. What’s shakin’? Dan Kennedy I’m starting my fourth week back home after a little travel bender in which I think I clocked 35,000 miles in maybe a month’s time and felt like I had found the answers to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 19, 2004 11:36 AM

Three Short Stories

Yearning Sabrina stood before her bathroom mirror for hours methodically brushing her long brown hair, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, counting each brushstroke, slightly aware that her ritual counting might just might be the first indication of obsessive-compulsive disorder (though she...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 18, 2004 03:13 PM

Interview with the World's Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137

Q: Tell me, what is your biggest regret? A: I should've fucked Myrna Loy when I had the chance....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 17, 2004 06:59 PM

Exclusive Gear for Faraway Republicans Visiting Our Liberal Blue City

While you’re zipping around in Pakistani-driven taxicabs, noshing at Korean delicatessens, and enjoying the company of Asian trannie hookers, you can proudly identify yourself by wearing one of Y.P.R.’s “R.N.C. in N.Y.C. ’04” T-shirts that express your perverse worldviews.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 16, 2004 08:19 AM

Jonathan Ames, randy writer

What did your mom say the first time she read your tales of ribaldry?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2004 12:09 PM

Neal Pollack, supercharged satirist

Y.P.R. 1. How come us Jewish folks are so hairy? I look like Robin Williams and the Wolfman had a kid. Neal Pollack Body hair, as you know, contains your unique “chemical signature,” designed by nature to sexually attract other...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2004 12:06 PM

Tom Perrotta, novelist

Y.P.R. 1. Which do you prefer (to munch on, not to adorn book covers): Pepperidge Farm Goldfish or chocolate-chip cookies? Tom Perrotta I prefer chocolate chip cookies. They don't have as many lawyers. Mr. Perrotta is the author of the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 13, 2004 11:32 AM

Blood Drive

Did you know that at least 700 blood donors are needed daily in the Pittsburgh area to supply the 40-plus local hospitals? Did you know that you can save a life by donating just a small amount of blood? Of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 12, 2004 12:46 AM

Belated Apologies to Girls I Have Known

I’m sorry for whatever it was I said that resulted in you throwing an iron at me. Maybe something about your hair.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 11, 2004 08:51 PM

The Tonight Symposium

ED: Tonight, from the Theater of Dionysus in Athens, our special guests: playwright Sophocles; actress Téa Leoni; and the music of KRS-One! Plus, Doc Severinsen and the Theban Orchestra. I’m Ed McMahonides, and now, heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny ... ! Theme music....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 10, 2004 08:17 PM

What Would Sammy Do?

or How I Became a Kabbalist As far back as I can remember I’ve wanted to be Jewish. Walking home from Catholic school, trying to memorize the Hail Mary, I’d pass by the cabstand where all of the kids from...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 9, 2004 12:01 AM

Also Available at Any New England Truck-Stop Diner

subject: Where to buy/order??? Why not include a listing (by ZIP code or city) of what restaurants in one's area serves Yankee pot roast? I used to have it once a week at Hamburger Hamlet, in Arlington, Virginia, near Reagan...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 8, 2004 03:09 PM

Tetherball with Grandma

She was a spry old goose, even with the new hip, which the doctor said that she should rest for a little while before she got back to her normal routine. But Grandma didn’t concern herself with the advice of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 5, 2004 03:12 PM

Non-Chip-Related Letters I've Written to Chip Companies

Dear Ruffles,
Who do you think would win in a fight, a duck or a guy? What if the duck had a knife?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 4, 2004 02:27 PM

Dear Heinz Ketchup, Pt. II

Heinz “Say Something Ketchuppy! II” Contest Entries P.O. Box 5075 Clinton, Iowa 52736-5075 Dear Heinz Ketchup, How’ve you been? It’s been too long. I’m sorry I never replied to your last correspondence. I was real busy for a while, you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 3, 2004 08:57 PM

My Muse Talks Back

Sticks and stones, There once was a woman, ’twas the night: all bits of poetry I’m responsible for. Me. The muse. Your muse? Perhaps. Have you been cranky lately? Feeling a bit discombobulated, shall we say? Then it’s me for...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on August 2, 2004 04:43 PM

Random Thoughts while Watching the I Love the… Series on VH1

It’s 34 years later. Are people really still mad at Yoko Ono for breaking up the Beatles?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 30, 2004 10:35 PM

I ♥ the 80s!

John Poindexter: I'll tell you something you don't know about Ed Meese. He used to consume his entire weight in Crisco twice a week.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 30, 2004 02:31 PM

I Hate I Love the 90s

Riding the popular coattails of VH1’s other I Love the-- shows, there’s a new decade in town: I Love the 90s. Personally, I do love the 90s but it’s too soon to be doing a show about it, don’t you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 29, 2004 10:27 PM

Dear VH1

So I come home last night and find you’ve commissioned your official nostalgia buffoons to muse about 1999. What the fuck is that? Can I have a moment to breathe here?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 29, 2004 08:26 PM

I Love ... Pt. IV

We wrap up the VH1 wrapup.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 29, 2004 04:29 PM

Jake Loves the Eighties

We’d just come from some girl’s party to which we’d brought a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black and left after we’d finished it ourselves.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 28, 2004 09:28 PM

A Short Conversation with Hal Sparks about His I Love the 80s Appearances as We Wait for Our Drinks at a Los Angeles Starbucks

"Hey, you’re ... Hal Sparks from VH1’s I Love the Whatevers ... And also Queer as Folk."

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 28, 2004 08:32 PM

I Love ... Pt. III

The Modern Humorist dudes, Loni Love, & Jenna von Öy

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 28, 2004 04:27 PM

VH1’s I Love Christopher Monks’s Labor Day Weekend 1986

Pope John Paul II: Talk about having a bad weekend! Geesh! What a loser!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 27, 2004 11:33 PM

The Gradual Decline of the I Love the ... Sidebars

Crappier by the decade.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 27, 2004 04:19 PM

I Love . . . Part II

Y.P.R.'s panel of schmucks dissects pop-cultural fads M.C. Hammer, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Dee Snider.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 27, 2004 02:46 AM

If I Love the 80s Were Strictly about My Life

Bret Michaels and MC Lyte wax nostalgic about the author's childhood.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 26, 2004 11:28 PM

I Love You, I Love the 90s, but I’m Not in Love with You

You never really stop with the jokes, do you?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 26, 2004 11:26 PM

I ♥ I Love the [X]0s

In which Y.P.R. assembles a panel of D-list talking heads to share memories and commentary of the VH1 retrospectives.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 26, 2004 04:04 PM

I Love I Love the 70s, I Love the 80s, I Love the 90s, and I Love the 80s Strikes Back

Critique and commentary from Y.P.R.'s panel of professional nostalgians: Josh Abraham, Donnie Boman, Bunsen, Dennis DiClaudio, Christopher Monks, Matthew Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 25, 2004 02:10 AM

Hawaii Diarii: Kauai

Hark! I have returned from my 11-night journey in the Hawaiian Islands and I bring news. Hawaii wasn’t merely brought into the union to make it a nice round 50 states; these islands have some legitimately American qualities to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 23, 2004 12:57 AM

My Anti-Depressant Diary

Happiness comes in many flavors. Read, and learn: Prozac®: As soon as I got my prescription, I headed straight to my local diner and kicked back one of the tiny tabs with a cup of decaf. “Piece of cheesecake?” asked...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 22, 2004 11:54 PM

Suzanne Yeagley, McSweeney's

In Search of Pigeon Racers:An Interview withSuzanne Yeagley, Interviewer of People Who Have Interesting or Unusual JobsPotato-chip assembly liners are allowed to eat the chips that are too closely clumped together. Pool lifeguards are likely to do whip-its in the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 21, 2004 06:01 PM

Eyes on Arbuckle

The lazy tabby cat pays his master too much attention....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 21, 2004 12:54 AM

Next Time on The Surreal Life . . .

Mary Lou Retton becomes incensed when the Indian from the Village People leaves the toilet seat up again. Dustin “Screech” Diamond has fallen head over heels for a giant moth pupa.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 20, 2004 02:30 PM

Will Respond for Food

The tabby cat urges his master not to disturb him, except for the purposes of feeding....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 20, 2004 12:44 AM

The Supine Feline

The supine feline has the urge to exercise, but it quickly passes....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 19, 2004 12:50 AM

Daniel Robert Epstein, Suicide Girls

It's easy to completely overlook the work of Daniel Robert Epstein; after all, his words are surrounded by lots of naked flesh. Pierced, dyed, shaved, and tattooed naked flesh. SuicideGirls, the online ’zine, is probably what Hef would've dreamed up...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 18, 2004 03:09 PM

Still

The tabby cat has spent a week in his master's easy chair, postureless, glacierlike, mesmerized by the soporific television programming, existing (barely) in a Kafkaesque stupor....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 16, 2004 12:46 AM

A Message from Franklin Nchita Ogbuewu, Nigeria’s Minister of Tourism

Welcome to beautiful Nigeria, land of mountains and plains! Experience Nigeria’s rich culture and rich climate! We have over 250 different peoples speaking different languages and practicing different religions. Can you imagine the how much war we have been having...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 15, 2004 11:22 PM

My C-Span Diary: Thursday, July 15, 2004

9:31 a.m. Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) takes the floor to begin the day’s senate hearings on the outlawing of gay marriage. As Frist approaches the podium, the Republicans are seen fervently chanting in unison, “Bill the Cat! Bill the Cat!”...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 15, 2004 08:09 PM

That Cat Demo, Pt. III

For the third day in a row , the tabby cat sits in his master's easy chair, postureless, glacierlike. The soporific television programming bores him stupid....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 15, 2004 12:48 AM

The Shard Phenomenon and Its Potential Application as a Come-On

The next time you’re at a party, instead of asking someone, “What do you do?” (over cocktails) or “What’s your major?” (over the keg nozzle), ask your new acquaintance this: “Did you know a kid who crashed through a glass...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2004 09:37 PM

Enquire Within

from: montessori12@aol.com subject: Wet Nurse What are the qualifications for a wet nurse? Montessori, DD's. Y.P.R. what is DD's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2004 03:03 PM

Assignation at the Tot Lot

JACQUES: Bonjour, Madame. SALLY: Hello, Jacques. Hi, Amélie-Pierre! Look, Connor, it’s Uncle Jacques with your friend Amélie-Pierre! Can you wave, Connor? Connor, Amélie-Pierre, look at all those shovels in the sandbox! Do you want to dig with some shovels? You’re...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2004 11:18 AM

The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic, Pt. II

Again, the lazy cat watches insipid television programming; his apathy makes him inert. Even inerter than yesterday....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 14, 2004 12:41 AM

The Coveted 18-to-34-Yr-Old Feline Demographic

The lazy cat watches an insipid television program; his apathy makes him inert....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 13, 2004 12:24 AM

Al-Jazeera Coverage of Ozzfest 2004

Ozzfest The Meadows Music Theater Hartford, Connecticut July 10, 2004 9:23 p.m. Makka Time, 6:23 p.m. GMT The multi-act touring carnival of amoral Western values, (named for the hapless drug-addled singer from the British heavy metal group “Black Sabbath”),...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2004 11:14 PM

We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime

from: Kent Houseman [kentdman@yahoo.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Hello. Hello, my name is Kent Houseman. This will be the weirdest e-mail you will get in a while. O.K., I read one of your articles. The one talking about the size...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2004 11:17 AM

Cat and Dog Watch TV

The lethargic cat and simple dog watch a television broadcast of dogs drinking from the toilet. The simple dog's excitement produces a puddle of drool. The cat laments letting the dog choose the television program....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 12, 2004 12:57 AM

Legends of My Fictional Baseball League

“Dapper” Dan Fitzgerald, Fireball Faulkner, Rube Roth, Slappy Nabokov, and more.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 9, 2004 10:20 PM

The Old Lady Screamed

Look, I’m not sorry it happened. I mean, why regret something that was beyond my control? I’m not God. I’m not some superhuman being who can reverse events with one blink of my overtly rendered, racially questionable eyes. It was...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 8, 2004 03:13 PM

A Public Apology from The New York Post

Like all FOX endeavors, we rely on speed over accuracy and hope that you, the reading public of New York, accept this trade-off and the mostly minor errors that occur as a result.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 7, 2004 07:25 PM

Freudian Slip

I was in the lingerie section, fingering the goods. I plunged my hands into a pile of panties, the silk, the silk, the silk... A sales woman in a fuscia cashmere sweater stared. She kept her eyes on my face...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 6, 2004 12:34 AM

Pee/Bee

Respite and Nepenthe from Thy Urinary Banter I can pee and pee and pee. Pee-pee never stops, never never stops. The water hose connected to my base provides this constant flow of faux urea, and all day I feel...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 2, 2004 02:15 PM

Reasons Why a Bridge over Troubled Water Would Not Necessarily Ease My Mind

Maybe it’s a bridge you haven’t quite come to yet and you’re still waiting to cross it. But now that it’s been mentioned, you just can’t quit thinking about it. What kind of bridge is it? Is it steel or...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on July 1, 2004 08:48 AM

Dear Sam Raimi

Last evening, I attended a midnight screening of the première of Spider-Man 2. I arrived at the theater full of optimistic glee and peanut M&Ms. Three minutes into the film, both were expended. Sam, I won’t sugarcoat it: the movie sucked hard.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 30, 2004 01:06 AM

Why I'll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan

Citibank 100 Citibank Drive P.O. Box 769004 San Antonio, TX, 78245-9004 June 29, 2004 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, We have received and processed your application for a home equity loan. At this time, we’re unable to extend a loan to you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 29, 2004 11:10 PM

Oh, What a Fortnight!

Sorry, ladies: 1/3 of Yankee Pot Roast’s council of editorial elders is now off the market. As the tin cans clank down the street in the wake of Nick and Wendy’s limousine, Y.P.R. reflects upon what it has missed in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 25, 2004 01:42 AM

Polish Facts

An Antidote to the Polish Joke Daily Newspapers:Gazeta WyborczaRzeczpospolitaSuper ExpressŻycieNasz DziennikTrybunaFaktNieWeekly Magazines:Wprost (rightwing)Polityka (leftwing)Newsweek (Polish edition)Najwyższy Czas! (rightwing)Przegląd (leftwing) Climate:Temperate with cold, cloudy, moderately severe winters with frequent precipitation; mild summers with frequent showers and thundershowers. Local long-form name:Rzeczpospolita Polska(The...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 19, 2004 01:17 AM

?

from: Gene Morgan [genemorgan@mac.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Y.P.R., more like stupid-P.R. Hey, POT ROAST! What the hell do you think you are doing? You think you're better than me, huh? Prick. We'll just see about that. I have all...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 18, 2004 11:16 AM

Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris!

Dear Doogie Howser, M.D., Happy 31st Birthday! I have all of your episodes on tape. I've edited out all of the commercials and credits, so if you watch now, it's just one long episode. Sometimes I can sit for hours...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 15, 2004 11:40 PM

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in: “Mary-Kate & Ashley Turn 18!”

: Happy birthday, Mary-Kate! : I’m Ashley, you stupid head. : Wait, I thought I was Ashley! : You dyed your hair brown to tell us apart. : Oh yeah, I forgot! See, when I look at you, I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 14, 2004 02:15 PM

The Pied Piper of Harvard Ave.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 14, 2004 02:11 PM

Seen and Heard in Boston . . .

subject: Seen & Heard in Boston . . . Hey Y.P.R. Staff: I'm nervous about writing this since my grammar is all fucked up. I'm too lazy to read The Elements of Style for this e-mail! I just wanted to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 14, 2004 02:11 PM

Happy Birthday, Joe Montana!

Dear Joe, O.K., here's the deal: You've got the ball. It’s 4th and 4. There's less than a minute left in the game. You're down by a field goal. You haven't been able to move the ball with the run...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 11, 2004 11:41 PM

Happy Birthday, Gina Gershon!

Dear Gina, You're my favorite actress-turned-rock star, even though you aren't as popular as some other actress-turned-rock stars who won't even read my letters. I mean, I'm not offended or anything that someone became way too busy to read my...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 10, 2004 11:42 PM

Nappy Days

A city apartment. A child. Morning. Samuel Beckett, sitting on a low stool, is staring out of the window. He holds his head in both hands, sighing. He gets up, stretches, blinks, sits again. In the centre of the room...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 10, 2004 08:09 AM

Happy Birthday, Dick Vitale!

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Dickie V., Happy Birthday, you glass-eyed wonder. You're scintillating in your old age. I worry though, you're a PTPer but your level of stress might be the death of you. You're crazy with a capital C. And your name...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 9, 2004 11:43 PM

David Foster Wallace and Gromit

The inscrutable author and his claymation dog seek cheese.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 9, 2004 02:52 AM

Happy Birthday, Nancy Sinatra!

Do you know where those boots were made for walking? In Madagascar. By nine-year-olds ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 8, 2004 11:33 PM

A Modern Short Story

A quirky yet believable character was presented in such a way as to garner sympathy and interest from readers. The character lived in a world familiar to his or her audience, under conditions not unlike their own. This character was...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 8, 2004 02:36 AM

Lyrics to Boléro

Sing along to the one-movement orchestral piece by Maurice Ravel.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 7, 2004 07:38 PM

The Pope and the Lawyer: What Befell Them upon Entering Heaven

or: Herman Melville Tells a Joke.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 4, 2004 02:27 PM

Reference Letter to the Board of Directors

The Board of Directors Morningside East Co-op Apartments 100th & Manhattan Avenue Dear Members of the Board, I first met Dana Dallard last year at this shitty dive on the Lower East Side after our set. Man, I was so...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 3, 2004 02:56 AM

Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade!

Dear Marquis, Happy 264th Birthday, you swishy pervert! You rock! You're one of the best Marquis ever! Better even than Markie Post! She was so crazy on "Night Court." Christine Sullivan: defense attorney, Anglophile, bitter foil to John Larroquette's Dan...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2004 11:34 PM

Highlights from the Recent Network Upfront Hoopla

The clamor for hundreds of millions of big-name marketer shekels has begun between the advertising industry and the various television networks. Who will come out the winner in this game of chance? This intrepid reporter believes that the television viewer...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 2, 2004 03:03 AM

Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum!

Dear Heidi, I think you are the second most beautiful woman alive! You are right behind Jennifer Connelly and right ahead of Star Jones on the list that I keep thumbtacked to the wall in my basement workroom. I keep...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 1, 2004 11:35 PM

Dear Sandra Bernhard

Dear Ms. Bernhard, Remember when Slavenka Drakulić’s Divine Hunger played in New York for a week, to near full houses at a theatre below 14th Street? The night I went, I was in the second row. After taking out my...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on June 1, 2004 10:25 PM

Something Nice for Memorial Day, sans Cheap Laughs

As a child, Memorial Day never held much meaning for me. I simply remembered it as a day when my father would wake at the crack of dawn and head down to the garage to dig through the mounds of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 31, 2004 02:59 AM

James Lipton (Almost), "Inside the Actors' Studio"

[Emphasis is ours.] Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 12:27:40 -0400 From: "James Lipton" xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.edu To: "Geoff Wolinetz" geoff@yankeepotroast.org Subject: Re: "Interviews with Interviewers" Mr. Lipton has asked me to write on his behalf. He regrets he cannot participate in...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 28, 2004 10:35 AM

Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla!

Dear Carolla, Good gravy, Carolla! You've done it. The stamp of Adam Carolla genius is all over the place. You've got the gig with Kimmel. You've got the "Loveline" radio show on MTV. You've got the residuals flying in from...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 27, 2004 11:36 PM

Robert Birnbaum, Identity Theory

Robert Birnbaum’s résumé looks something like this: nightclub manager, short-order cook, shoe salesman, medical secretary, teacher, adman, cabbie, journalist, publisher, photographer, blogger, interviewer. Mr. Birnbaum’s digital home is Identity Theory (a literary Web site, sort of), which hosts his...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 27, 2004 04:09 PM

Andrew Krucoff, Gothamist

Andrew Krucoff is something like the Best Supporting Actor (Musical or Comedy) for the two New Yorkiest Web sites out there: at Gawker he sifts through the city's stats and facts and processes the raw data into shiny, colorful, easy-to-read...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 26, 2004 11:39 AM

A. J. Daulerio, The Black Table

Sample question by Mr. Daulerio: “Would you rather have rodeo sex with Jayson Blair or beat up Arthur Sulzberger's mother?” [Posed to journalist Seth Mnookin.]

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 25, 2004 10:45 AM

Claire Zulkey, Zulkey.com

If you frequent any Web sites with words in them, there’s an 85% chance you’ve read the fiction or journalism of Claire Zulkey (and laughed, too). If you’ve visited her Web site, Zulkey.com (the only site which employs a kangaroo...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 24, 2004 12:05 PM

‘My Poem’ by Karl Malone

“People don't know this about me, but I've changed since I moved out here to L.A., to Newport Beach. I've become a writer, thanks to my mom. I'll sometimes spend hours just writing, writing, writing. I'll be at the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 21, 2004 02:28 PM

Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004

An Obituary for a Thespian, Compiled Entirely from Information Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Leonard Rosenberg was born February 26, 1920 and he eventually grew to be five feet, eight inches tall, or 1.73...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 19, 2004 08:13 PM

Happy Birthday, Tina Fey!

Dear T, Happy 34th Birthday! Gosh, Tina, the thing I'm gonna miss most about "S.N.L." is our "Weekend Update" rehearsals together. Every week, you'd school me in current events, when I'd stroll in to 30 Rock, cutely six hours late,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 18, 2004 11:37 PM

Dear Game Show Network

GSN (Game Show Network) Attn: Consumer Affairs 2150 Colorado Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90404 Dear Game Show Network, Congratulations on your recent name change from the far too verbose Game Show Network to the wonderfully pithy GSN. Hopefully, this altered...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 18, 2004 10:26 PM

Similes

Grizzly bears are like dolphins: Neither lives in the desert. And also, they both eat fish, except that bears eat big salmon, and dolphins eat little salmon. There are flowers in the world that, if smelled, will kill you. In...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 18, 2004 12:29 AM

Happy Birthday, Bob Saget!

Dear Bob, Happy 48th Birthday! It's been too long since we've hung out, Bobby. I know you're a busy man, what with work and family, etc., and I've been pretty busy too--my career as an advertising spokesman is really heating...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 17, 2004 11:38 PM

My Date with Harold Bloom

He was a perfect gentleman. I won’t pretend that I was anything more than a naïve, semi-talented literary canon maker who had come to the esteemed professor and critic for some professional guidance. We met at Blasambe, the hip uptown...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 17, 2004 12:30 AM

Superman Ain't Shit

So, you think Superman is cool, huh? Well guess what? Superman ain’t shit. Come on. I can see it in your eyes. You think Superman is the baby’s rattle because he has his own comic books, his own movies, and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 14, 2004 12:35 AM

1220 AM WLIT: All Lit All the Time

Welcome to Charles and The Verb, every weekday from four to seven on 1220 AM, WLIT — All Literature All the Time. [Sparkling music plays.] —Greetings everyone. I am Charles Creighton and my partner is Mathew "The Verb" Vroman. How...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 13, 2004 12:37 AM

Bush Mountain

At the first gesture of morning, the servants began stirring. So came George to one more day in Alabama. Sitting up in his bed, he picked up the letter from Laura, and read it one more time: My love, where...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 12, 2004 12:38 AM

Spatial Relationships

Al fell a lot. Trip, thump! He’d trip on pretty much anything. One time he tripped on a jumbo paper clip and fell down eighteen flights of stairs. Betty on 12 saw him roll by and said, “That’s gotta be...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 11, 2004 12:48 AM

Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall!

Dear Pat, It must be a really happy birthday for you. I heard you got a new liver, which is cool. I, too, am the recent recipient of an organ transplant. I just got a new colon. I think it's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 10, 2004 11:39 PM

The Ausherman Stories

Johnny Cash Died for Your Sins He dressed like a villain, all in black. Some say he was Liberace's evil twin. And some might say he catered to criminals, way he played for them at that Tennessee prison. Thieves,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 10, 2004 12:50 AM

The Rubaiyat of Felix Dennis: Awful Poetry by the Maxim Publisher

& Josh Abraham Double Issue If it seems like I’m behaving rashly, Well, there really is a simple reason: It’s because that Mary-Kate and Ashley Will be eighteen years before next season! In just a month I’ll say, “Good-bye, jailbait!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on May 5, 2004 12:53 AM

How I Got Kicked Off the Basketball Team

“. . . When you boys go back out on the court, I want you to remember this: you’re not playing for yourselves. You’re playing for the team. I don’t care who makes the basket as long as he’s wearing...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 28, 2004 11:44 PM

Friday Morning Lament

Last night's become a blur it seems Riddled with odd and crazy dreams Singing songs with Shirley Jones Tom Hanks and I ate ice cream cones Fat guy dancing with Chris Farley Smoking ganja with Bob Marley Johnny Carson's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 27, 2004 11:00 PM

Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children' Hospital in My Town

When Mr. Morgenthau asked me to say a few word at this groundbreaking ceremony, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Is he KID-ding?” [Hold for laughter] After all, I don’t have any children of my own. As...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 27, 2004 08:11 PM

Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei!

I am π.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 26, 2004 11:13 PM

Eat, Shoot, & Leave This!: Dear Lynne Truss

Dear crazy Ms. Truss, Jeepers, lady, have you gone totally bonkers? On page 172 of Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, your chipper, chirpy handbook for the pathologically meticulous, you recommend punctuating as follows: 4   Though it...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 26, 2004 04:15 PM

Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!

Dear Will, Happy 440th Birthday! Will, I'd like to thank you for writing The Taming of the Shrew. I've never read it, but I understand it was the springboard for the hit 1999 teen romantic comedy, 10 Things I Hate...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 23, 2004 11:11 PM

Dear Penthouse Forum

Dear Penthouse Forum, Oh, I love them Neo-Conservatives. Oh, yes. I love them. Crazy right-wing chicks. Nothing lights my fire like a girl who digs smaller government. They drive me mad. Republican. Oh, say it. Re-pub-lic-an. The word is red...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 23, 2004 01:55 AM

I Do Something Terrible, Liz Removes Her Underwear, & You Start Talking Dirty

I Do Something Terrible Say there’s a crowd. Say it! An enormous crowd. Say you are a member of that crowd, and you are obscuring completely the sidewalks beneath my hotel balcony. You are singing! Say I turn to the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 22, 2004 08:14 PM

Speed Reader

Your humble coëditor, Mr. Josh Abraham, and the Ritalin Reading Series at Pianos, in TimeOut New York.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 22, 2004 10:11 AM

Dave Chappelle: The Grand Impostor

Dave Chappelle's “Chappelle's Show” on Comedy Central is a slaphappy sketch-comedy/variety show that manages to be “racy” and “edgy” (whatever that means, anymore) without ever losing the easy, just-folks sensibilities of vaudeville. The jokes are loud, broad, and obvious, but...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 21, 2004 08:50 PM

Some Things Remain Impossible, Despite the Heart's Will

from: Lonnie Futrill to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Need your help. Am having Italian painting put in my home and need to have a sentence translated into Italian calligraphy. Can you help me please? The sentence is: "Nothing is impossible where...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 21, 2004 01:17 AM

Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra!

Dear Carm, Lady, you and your ghoulish groom are really creeping me out. Please stop being freaky on my television. I don't like having to wash the TV set every night. Thank you. Sincerely, Josh...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2004 11:11 PM

Excerpts from the Hipster Law Treatise

Preface:“Hipster” is a word holy to some, yet bandied about by many who view it as a kiddy-club; joinable by any post-undergraduate, Lower East Side-moving gadfly with greasy hair and a Puma jumpsuit. This Treatise seeks to clarify and define...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2004 02:26 PM

Weathersfield

In Which Amy Learns the Science of Sugarmaking

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 20, 2004 02:27 AM

Happy Birthday, Suge Knight!

Dear Suge, Can you believe that until my grandmother recently corrected me, I'd been mispronouncing your name as its spelling suggests: "Sooge." You see, I'm not "down" with the "hip-hop" community, and I don't watch the MTV, or go to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 19, 2004 11:09 PM

Liner Notes for The Best of Trevor Seigler: Covers

“Hit Me with Your Best Shot” (Recorded in the shower, June 5, 2000, 8:00 a.m.)This was my first foray into the art of taping myself singing, and as you can tell by the audio quality it's not up to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 19, 2004 02:17 PM

Pimpin' Like a Pirate

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin' Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 16, 2004 03:25 PM

Edible Television

One Viewer Takes a Bite out of the Food Network “30 Minute Meals” with Rachael Ray For a long time, watching Rachael Ray cook delicious and healthy meals in under thirty minutes made me sad. She'd things like, “My niece...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 16, 2004 01:05 PM

New Releases This Week

This week’s column reviews new CDs by the bands Acid Raindrops, Figgy Pudding, Nitrous Oxide and Operation Freedom. The Acid Raindrops are back after last year’s Good Humor Got Killed announced a strong new presence in music. Just released is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 15, 2004 02:07 PM

Great Moments in Pantyhose Jurisprudence

Since the 1959 invention of pantyhose, this single-garment combination of underpants and stockings has been mentioned time and again in the decisions of American appellate courts. Here are the highlights: In trademark dispute, pantyhose and tights not equivalent because pantyhose...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 15, 2004 12:12 PM

Most Logical Answer Yet

from: Rob Theakston [busymofo@yahoo.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Don't know if anyone answered yet. The 'P' in Alex P. Keaton stands for Peace. Elise and Steven were both hippies in the sixties. There was one episode where they had a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 15, 2004 11:15 AM

Happy Birthday, Pete Rose!

Dear Pete, First, you say you didn't bet on baseball. Then, you say you bet on baseball but not your team. Now you say you bet on baseball but never against your team. I only have one question for you:...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2004 11:08 PM

My Zombie Movie

I’ve been working on it on and off for the last fifteen years. It will serve as an homage to every zombie movie ever made, yet it will be a completely original piece of cinema, conspicuously free of any derivative material.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2004 10:42 PM

Truce with Hip-Hop

Let's call a truce. Seriously. I'll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2004 08:42 PM

Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family

No pork and no shellfish? What kind of religion is this?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 14, 2004 03:49 AM

Who Has the Bigger : Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?

A Random-Sampling Poll Conducted by Telephone Wow, good question. Interesting. I never really thought about this, although I probably should have... [Long pause.] I think I'm going to go with Kerry. I hate being put on the spot like...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 13, 2004 09:07 PM

Time Is on My Side; No, It's on My Side

The Intricacies of Daylight Saving Time Silly Season, a.k.a. Daylight Saving Time (DST), is upon us yet again. Residents of the European Union switch to Summer Time at 1:00 a.m. on the last Sunday in March, and all time...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on April 2, 2004 02:24 PM

Some Good Possible Names for an Emo Band, Inspired by the 1986 Motion Picture Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Rooney Save Ferris Voodoo Economics Snooty the Isms Let My Cameron Go the Sausage Kings of Chicago 9 Times Fry Cook on Venus McClurg the Fascist Anarchists Clammy Hands He’ll Keep Callin’ Me Greasy Garage-Attendant Joyride Smashing Ferraris Trophy...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 31, 2004 12:02 PM

Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering!

Dear Ian Z, Happy happy birthday birthday. Ian Zing Zing, I can't believe you're 40 today! Just like that—Poof! It seems like just yesterday you were in high school. Whatever happened after you graduated? Did you stick around in your...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 30, 2004 10:52 PM

Things My Nana Levenstein Taught Me about Love

When you meet a man remember: Always smile. It takes more work to frown than it does to smile. You have to use more facial muscles. It’s true. I read it in a magazine at Doctor Klein’s office. And you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 30, 2004 09:51 PM

If I Had a Million Dollars

People always ask me what I would do if I had a million dollars. I don't know why people always ask me this. Probably because I owe them around that much, I'd guess.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 29, 2004 03:43 PM

Fact-Checking The Village Voice

On March 24th, 2004, the "alternative" newsweekly The Village Voice (a.k.a. "New York's freest newspaper") ran an item in Cynthia Cotts's "Press Clips" column that caught the collective eye of this humble journal (thanks to the pathological clicking of the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 26, 2004 01:19 PM

Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker!

You were in an awful Bruce Willis movie once I think, right?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2004 11:19 PM

Believe It or Not, He's Really an Attorney

subject: The spelling bee story sucks and fat naked guys in the gym [Y.P.R. edits & commentary in red.] Dear Yankee-Pot Roast Crew: I visited your sight site again today in hopes of some sort of redemption. Just as like...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 25, 2004 02:36 PM

Imitations of Anonymity (2nd Item)

From The Village Voice, March 24-30, 2004: "Press Clips" by Cynthia Cotts California, Ho! Once parochial, The New Yorker has discovered that more people read its pages on the West Coast One of the most famous New Yorker covers of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 24, 2004 08:29 PM

Courtney Love Has Come Undone

Miss Courtney Love is having a wild week! Help put this downwardly spiralling demimondaine back together! Make this Hole lady whole! [This feature requires Java. If you see a Courtney Love-less gray box above, then your computer is likely...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 23, 2004 11:43 PM

Slippery Pete’s Port o’ Call

Slippery Pete’s Port o’ CallThe Leader in DOCKYARD & PORTAGE entertainment since 1974! We’ve got over 500 piping-hot videos of DOCKERS, DOCKSMEN, DOCKHANDS, DOCK-WALLOPERS, and DOCKMASTERS! We’ve got big, burly JACKS loading and unloading WET VESSELS in coastal PORTS OF...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 22, 2004 11:04 PM

Teenage Jesus

Yes! Look at me, everybody, I did it again! Here, give me another glass of water. Ka-pow! Presto! Behold: one glass of Fresca. I’m awesome!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 19, 2004 11:10 PM

Dear Nesquik

Dear Nesquik (née Nestlé Quik),
I've been drinking your chocolatey-flavored milk since before I was even born. Of all liquids on the planet, your chocolatey-flavored milk is my favorite, surpassing even soapy water, turpentine, or Colt 45. I've won numerous Nestlé Quik-chugging contests ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 19, 2004 04:52 PM

St. Pat's Facts

Hexadecimal Shades of Green, Vital Stats for Kathy Ireland, and IMDb.com Users’ Comments for the 1993 Motion Picture Leprechaun

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 17, 2004 09:13 PM

The Passion of the Führer

Critics are up in arms over Mel Gibson's next film, declaring that the director's anti-Semitic bias fuels his German-language epic, The Passion of the Führer. Gibson maintains that his picture, chronicling the last 12 hours in the life of the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 16, 2004 09:49 PM

Sem Ordnilap Ytir Belec: Celebrity Palindromes

“Lisa Bonet ate no basil.” — Lenny Kravitz, summing up their last lunch date.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 15, 2004 02:15 PM

J.F.K. & J.F.K.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 12, 2004 04:06 PM

Curriculum Fraudium

("Curriculum of Lies") Objective: To obtain and secure a book deal, like Jayson Blair (liar and author of Burning Down My Masters' House), and have my life story made into a feature film, like Stephen Glass (liar and subject of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 11, 2004 02:48 PM

Acceptance Speech

Thank you! Wow, this is so unexpected. Thank you very much! Oh my god, I’m so nervous! Let me catch my breath here for a sec . . . Whew! O.K., much better. Now before I thank everyone who made...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 10, 2004 03:00 PM

Scenes from "C.S.I.: Podunk"

Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse. HUCKSLEYI reckon he’s dead all right. Cause o’ death? MUFFSheriff say shotgun, close range. HUCKSLEYWe got an ID? MUFFCollerton’s boy. HUCKSLEYHow ’bout evidence? MUFFJust them prints in the snow...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 9, 2004 03:07 PM

An Excerpt from This Month's Journal of the History of Intellectual Culture: “Shoe Shopping: An Interdisciplinary Case Study of the Effects of Political Discourse on the Marketplace for Shoes”

BACKGROUND While effects of modern political discourse on the marketplace of ideas has been thoroughly examined, the question of the effect of discourse on the marketplace for shoes has been grossly neglected in the field. The market for footwear has...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 8, 2004 01:15 PM

The Rules

To Mature Adam C/O No Longer Lonely Personals 2004 The Long Drive Sydney NSW 2000 Dear Sir: Your questions are not in the least offensive, my dearest Sir! I am a mature woman, a bold, thinking woman and I am...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 5, 2004 03:09 AM

Some Replies to “Where’d Ya Get That Shiner?”

I'm tired of telling the story. Nothing happened. It’s just a little bruised. A couple stitches. I fainted in my bathroom over the weekend. I slipped on the ice cleaning off my car. My scarf tripped me into a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 4, 2004 02:32 PM

The Magician’s Assistant

Dear Ms. Theys: Thank you for your most interesting and entertaining application for the position of magician's assistant. I am sorry to say that we are unable to offer you the job because—how else can we say it?—you are...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 4, 2004 03:07 AM

Family Film Guide

This week’s guide to current cinematic releases and their appropriateness for children under the age of 17. Turn Back the Clock Marvin (Jerry Stiller) and Harriet (Kathy Bates) are husband and wife in this idiotic romantic comedy about regaining lost...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 3, 2004 03:11 PM

My Yard

I’ve done what I can to transform my suburban yard into an environment that I truly enjoy, and at the same time keep up standards for my neighbors. And though I get some funny looks from the nabes and even...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 2, 2004 04:03 PM

The Passion of the Christ: Official Merchandising HQ

The Passion of the ChristOfficial Home Crucifiction Playset ® $24.95, by Mattel. 2 AA batteries and some assembly requiredRecommended for ages 8+ That's right, now you can RELIVE THE PASSION in your very own backyard with the Officially Licensed...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2004 05:59 PM

Dear Outback Steakhouse

Dear Outback Steakhouse, I believe you owe me something in the neighborhood of 85 bucks for the three days in August of 1997 that I served as a waiter-in-training in one of your fine establishments. A scuffle regarding the unapproved...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2004 05:48 PM

The Y.P.OscaRs

In which Y.P.R. presents some overlooked awards.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on March 1, 2004 04:33 PM

I ♥ Scrushy

subject: HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, Jason’s ditzy spouse, Shannon. Do ypu have pix of the herveys is all this true or just funny it would be very funny i hope some is true Thanx Sean Tariel...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 29, 2004 02:59 PM

Capricorn Rising

subject: Your Web site I happened to come across your page and read much of what you had to say. I think you are a very mean-spirited person. What you have thrown out to various people will have a way...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 29, 2004 02:53 PM

Writing Goodly

Look: Every stupid one of us possesses within his or her bowels a good story. It's lurking somewhere inside, in the guts, in the belly, safely hidden by all that bone and meat. Lurking. What you've got to do is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 29, 2004 01:59 PM

Coverage from a Hollywood Reader

A development assistant reports the viability of adapting The Devil Wears Prada and The Da Vinci Code.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 28, 2004 02:21 PM

Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors' Offspring

The Old Man and the Piece of Rye Toast by Barney Hemingway Santiago Jr. leads the simple life of a Florida retiree: He spends his days searching for the perfect piece of toast. Among the breakfast establishments of south Florida,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 27, 2004 02:11 PM

Poetic License

Dear Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, You are reputed to be a man who is creative with words, and you are some kind of honcho in the United States, and as such I hope you can help me. Recently I received an...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 25, 2004 02:08 PM

How to Write Gouda

Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms. All day. How do I write so good, you ask, my little inanimate object into whom I will breathe life? By tripping out of my gourd. Woo hoooo. Beluga, beluga, screamed the painted stick. Focus, Tom, Focus....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 24, 2004 04:58 PM

Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda!

Dear Fish, Happy Birthday, you decrepit old codger! 83 years and not dead yet! Nosiree, Bob! All alive and accounted for here! Vigoda = not dead! Sure, you may look and smell like a week-old ham hock, but you are...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 24, 2004 12:08 AM

Why I'll Never Be Published in The New Yorker

Dear Mr. Wolinetz,
Thank you for your recent submission to The New Yorker. We receive a tremendous amount of submissions, as you know, and we do appreciate your patience. However, at this time, I am afraid we are unable to accept your fiction submission entitled “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: A Mystery.” ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 23, 2004 08:09 PM

K.B.N. on Engagement Rings

This weekend I was at a BBQ, the kind of scene where all the guests are seated around a patio secretly wondering, “Isn’t there somewhere better I should be?” Anyway, I arrived later than most (O.K., dead last, by several...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 20, 2004 05:08 PM

Moby-Dick: The Whale's Story

Note: Thanks to recent breakthroughs in the decoding of porpoise and dolphin communication, marine biologists have been deciphering the language of that other grand mammal of the sea, the whale. One of the first stories to emerge from the briny...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 20, 2004 01:33 PM

Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!

Dear Charles, The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 20, 2004 10:37 AM

K.B.N. on Bridesmaids

As a young girl growing up, a wedding was the stuff of which dreams were made. Starting from the Once Upon a Time straight through to the Happily Ever After, it was near impossible to separate yourself from Cinderella, Snow...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 19, 2004 05:52 PM

Writing Well

Life is just one crushing disappointment after another until finally, you find yourself lying on a bed of other people’s money, completely naked, drunk as a skunk off of a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch that you swiped from Vonnegut’s liquor cabinet.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 19, 2004 04:53 PM

Pitching to Cousin Graydon

Dear Graydon, Hey-ho! All the best of the New Year from the Winnipeg Carters to the New York-via-Ottawa branch of our glorious and widespread clan. Today, as long promised, I am delighted to be able to float a small piece...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 18, 2004 06:16 PM

'Snotwatch' by Heidi J.

Rejoice! Behave! Be Strong and Play Fair! A Call for a New Era of Being Nice to Everybody, and a Schoolyard That Will Support It By Heidi J. Ms. Weisenstock's Third-Grade Class Discussed: Name-Calling, Sticks & Stones, Allergies, Cootie Shots,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 17, 2004 01:33 PM

Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton!

Dear Paris, In just a few months, all of America watched you engage in coitus & cellular telecommunication; you've made an ass of yourself and got away scot-free on a reality TV show; you've proposed a retarded book for somebody...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 17, 2004 10:35 AM

More Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets

Featuring: Bill Gates & Martha Stewart! Pat Robertson & Shirley MacLaine, et al. …! Michael Eisner & Minnie Mouse …? Stephen King & Condoleezza Rice …!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 16, 2004 04:51 PM

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

If you find yourself without a sweetie this St. Valentine's Day, there are still plenty of ways to cope with the wretched despair of solitude!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2004 05:35 PM

Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel!

Dear Peter, Oooooooooh in your eyes! (The light, the heat!) Your eyes! (I am complete!) Your eyes! I see the doorways (your eyes) to a thousand churches (your eyes) ... etc. You know, Cusack does that outside Ione Skye's window,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 13, 2004 10:29 AM

Dear Food Network

Food Network 1180 Sixth Avenue New York, NY 10036 Attn: Consumer Relations Department February 12, 2004 Dear Food Network, On February 8, 2004, after watching Bobby Flay and portly gentleman strap the feedbag onto a rather hungry group of fireman...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 12, 2004 11:50 PM

Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets

Featuring: Saddam Hussein & Sandra Day O’Connor! Sylvester Stallone & Meryl Streep! Laura Bush & Kim Jong-Il! Arnold Schwarzenegger & Hillary Clinton! Pope John Paul II & Anna Nicole Smith!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 12, 2004 03:37 PM

Happy Birthday, Judy Blume!

Judy, Judy, Judy! Happy 66th Birthday! Judy, I reread T.O.A.F.G.N. every day. The scene where Fudge colors in the map that Peter worked so hard on makes me weep openly. It worries my boss that I'm so eager to cry...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 12, 2004 10:39 AM

Concerning My Recent Submission

Dear Editor, I hesitate to bother you about this, since your writer's guidelines are very clear on the point of follow-up emails, but those same guidelines also specify a two-month response time, and it's now been five months since I...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 11, 2004 04:58 PM

Poetry in Pastrami: The Carnegie Deli Goes Lit

In an effort to boost sagging sales, famed New York eatery the Carnegie Deli—home of the mile high pastrami on rye—is taking a new tack. To appeal to the appetites of the hoards of hungry literati prowling midtown Manhattan, they’ve...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 10, 2004 08:50 PM

Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos!

Dear Georgie, Happy 43rd Birthday! You did such good work with Clinton. You turned a ruddy-faced hick from Arkansas who got blowjobs on the side into a ruddy-faced President who got blowjobs on the side! I heard you are married...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 10, 2004 10:52 AM

Writing Good

The way I see it is, everybody has a Mother. So that's something I make sure is in every story I write: a Mother. Another thing is that everybody is, at some point in his or her life, an only...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2004 02:13 PM

Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock!

The noted author and the wacky next-door neighbor celebrate.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 9, 2004 10:54 AM

‘And Another Thing about Bush 43’ by Maureen Dowd

According to the recent yawnfest -slash- impromptu-Q.&A. with Bush 43, he “slept through” the recent breast-baring Janet Jackson high jinks.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 6, 2004 02:03 PM

Sexyin' Up the Classics

Turn Your Head Away from the Camera and Just Screw by Henry James The video held us, around the monitor, sufficiently breathless, except for the way too obvious remark that “everything was very green”, as the video of a young...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 5, 2004 01:29 PM

An Assortment of Love Poems Written with the Assistance of a Pamphlet Entitled “How 2 Write Love Poems That Don't Suck” Distributed by Delias.com, a Clothing Company That Caters to Pre-Teen Girls

Write a poem that is only seven words long. Your girlfriend is a freak-ass. Dump her.** hyphenate = 1 word Choose something you associate with your cutie (the color blue, the letter X). Go for a walk and notice everything...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 4, 2004 01:02 PM

Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!

Now, I'm scared that a long-haired Larry David look-alike is still wearing eye liner and leather pants at age 56.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 4, 2004 12:23 PM

Letter to Failure

Dear Editor: As is the case with God, I’ll address you by your title. When I learned that you were putting out a magazine called Failure, I thought that I had finally found my niche. I read your manifesto with...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2004 05:12 PM

Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis!

Dear Tallulah, Happy 10th birthday! Ten years old! I hope you're not getting too old for bedtime stories! Because I can't sleep if you don't read to me. Hey, I'm sorry I covered your eyes during halftime, but you were...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 3, 2004 12:15 PM

Nick v. The Donald

First off, I've been wanting to be an Apprentice for so long, I can feel my cheeks between my teeth. Where I come from, that means I'm jonesing to be an Apprentice, bad. I've always considered Donald Trump a not-so-close...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 2, 2004 08:16 PM

The New New York Times Book Review: This Isn't Your Father's New York Times Book Review!

Hey there, true-believers! Welcome to the new New York Times Book Review! Or, as we like to call it, N.Y.T.B.R. eXtreme! We're reviewing books to the max! That's right, gone are the days of stodgy book reviews of boring, fancy-pants,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 2, 2004 01:37 PM

Fairlee

In Which Amy Nearly Freezes Her Ass Off

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 2, 2004 02:51 AM

Writers-on-Writing Month

In which Y.P.R. presents material regarding inspiration, revision, rejection, writer's block, book reports, language, style, poetry, prose, plays, ink, typewriters, quills, sharpies, and Wite-out.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 1, 2004 01:07 PM

Happy Birthday, Big Boi

Dear Big Boi, 29 years old? Who's a big boy now? Happy birthday! Hey ya, Yankee Pot Roast www.yankeepotroast.org P.S. I like the way you move. P.P.S. Not in that way....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on February 1, 2004 12:11 PM

Let's Go Hoboken!

If Mr. Geoff Wolinetz can't find anything good about Houston, Boston, the airlines, etc., maybe he ought to try Hoboken or Lower Slobovia or crawl back into his hole in the ground where he probably would feel more at home....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 31, 2004 04:29 PM

An Excerpt from Flu Shot Review Quarterly's Winter 2004 Issue

As you all know, the 2004 flu season is one of the most highly anticipated in recent years. I recently spent an afternoon with my doctor, a dozen of his sharpest needles, and tried all the latest vaccines. Let's start...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2004 03:06 PM

Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff's Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure

Friday, January 30 3:56 p.m. I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to board. Sitting across from me is a man reading a book entitled The Lighter Side of Rectal Surgery. I’m unable to determine whether this is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 30, 2004 01:05 PM

How to Wear Battle Dress

Week in, week out, when a problem calls for battle-dress expertise, my buddies come, cap in hand, whining to yours truly. You’d think its something that 21st Century hippolatas would have a handle on by now—some of these things have...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2004 01:30 PM

Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck!

Dear Oprah & Magnum, Happy 50th & 59th Birthdays! Seriously, you guys have my two favorite moustaches in Hollywood. Happy birthday! Best wishes, Josh...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 29, 2004 01:54 AM

The DeVito Code

"Off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush-hush." Sid Hudgens, L.A. Confidential "There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster." Harry Wormwood, Matilda "You don't really think you'll win ....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2004 03:13 PM

Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood!

Dear Frodo, Happy 23rd birthday! Wow, how ’bout that ending to Return of the King, eh? That was really something, the way we pranced about the bedsheets in slo-mo. Good times, man, good times. And remember on the mountainside when...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 28, 2004 12:03 PM

The Human Campaign

The supermarket’s called Freshboy Slim’s. Today’s special is used grapes. A bird flies in and everybody goes nuts. A guy yells, "We’re all gonna die you bitches!" He dives into a display of oranges, then farts. The oranges roll all...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 27, 2004 03:35 PM

How I Quit Smoking

1. The Lozenge So I’m at work and I realize that I need to have copies of a letter to this client -- deadline yesterday -- for my boss. I go to the copier. Put the paper on the little...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 26, 2004 02:29 PM

I Love Scrushy

This unforgettable sitcom lasted six seasons, during which the wacky, dictatorial but lovable star, HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, stole millions and delighted millions more with his corporate shenanigans and auditing antics. The shows featured Scrushy’s zany attempts to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 23, 2004 06:20 PM

Dear Regal Cinemas

Michael L. Campbell Co-C.E.O., Regal Entertainment Group 7132 Regal Lane Knoxville, Tennessee, 37918 January 22, 2004 Dear Mr. Campbell, While we may have had our scuffles in the past, this time you have gone too far with your latest...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 22, 2004 04:12 PM

Recently Returned Letters to Santa

Dear Santa, I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this? Confusedly Yours, Armen Katein Dear Santa, I was wondering,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 22, 2004 01:08 PM

Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me

Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 22, 2004 12:15 AM

This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.*

*”Ultimate” doesn’t always mean ‘best’; sometimes it means ‘last.’ Goodbye, mama and papa Goodbye, Jack and JillThe grass ain’t greener The wine ain’t sweeterEither side of the hill. “Ramble On Rose,” the Grateful Dead Friends, Romans, carniefolk: Life is...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 21, 2004 01:55 PM

Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!

Dear Plácido, You think you're old? Y.P.R. is dead! You fat bastard, look what you've done. Happy Birthday, Geoff Wolinetz...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 21, 2004 12:06 PM

Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State

Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 20, 2004 12:21 AM

The Metamorphosis

One morning, Gregor Samsa awoke to find he had turned into a Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was frightened at first, not sure what all this meant. He had spent the previous evening watching Timecop, the film in which Mr. Van...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 16, 2004 01:34 PM

Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!

Dear Katie, Happy 30th birthday! Kate Moss, Kate Moss, Kate ... Moss ... I got nothing. Were this, say, 1995-ish, I'd have made some waify jokes or something, but lately you seem to have filled out a bit, reaching almost...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 16, 2004 12:09 PM

Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!!

You know the authors' names. You recognize the title. This is The Elements of Style, the classic guide to English rules and usage, now in its fourth . . . ooops, make that fifth edition. The revisions to the new...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 15, 2004 12:23 PM

It's an Honor Just to Be Read

from: Todd Piepenbrok [thechinman@ameritech.net] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Best Boy Nomination Hello there, Y.P.R., I was doing the ol' Google serach on my name and found that your Web site is the second listing. You have me nominated for BEST...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 15, 2004 11:14 AM

We're Working on It

from: John Graves II to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: an inquiry without capitals Yankee Pot Roast, As an admirer and appreciater of your online publication I wonder if there is a printed collection of the best daily pieces. I very much...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 14, 2004 11:13 AM

Postcards from My Bed

Hey! Your bed here. I know it’s not customary for the vacationer to receive postcards from those he’s abandoned at home, but I had a free sec and I thought it was a clever idea, so, ya know, hope ya...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 13, 2004 01:26 PM

Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom!

Dear Orlando, Happy 27th birthday! I don't know if you're aware, but your name is also the location of of the fabulous Walt DisneyWorld resort. This luxurious vacation destination features championship golf, spacious rooms, pools, day spas for your wife/girlfriend,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 13, 2004 12:11 PM

Girl with Pearl Drops Toothpaste

“Girl With Pearl Drops Toothpaste” (1978) One of the finest of Ed Kligenstein’s commercials for Doyle Dane Bernbach, this sixty-second spot creates a mood defined by the radiant, all-American glow of the girl as she turns toward the viewer to...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 12, 2004 01:59 PM

Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm!

Dear Mel, You're looking more and more mannish every day. I bet you pee standing up. I hate you, Geri Halliwell a.k.a. Ginger P.S. You still owe me forty-six dollars. Don't think I forgot....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 12, 2004 02:33 AM

Tighter Abs in Six Weeks

Use the Ab Cruncher 3000 Three Times a Week and See a Whole New You! Week 1, Day 1 My Ab Cruncher 3000 came today. Sandy says you're supposed to keep a diary and write down exactly how many...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 9, 2004 11:57 PM

Who's the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch?

Hey, whassup whassup, everybody! Xtina here and I want y’all to meet somebody special. This is Raul and ~ he is beau-ti-ful, no matter what they say ... ~ He’s a dishwasher I met last night when I was puking in the dumpster behind a Vegas strip joint. He’s from Ecuador, and guess what? We got married!

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 8, 2004 01:50 PM

Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck!

Dear Wolfgang, I've eaten at your Spago restaurant. It's all right. Be honest with me now. You haven't actually cooked anything in 20 years, have you? Right now, you're jusst coasting on the fact that Chad Lowe went to your...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 8, 2004 02:30 AM

Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking!

Dear Hawking, 110101110101 111110nd 1010001110101! 100010111101010 101100100101 1011101 10010 11100111001 1001111101 111000110 101010010101 11010101001 110 11000111 1011 1000101? 1010110000111001 "11010001 1 10010010" 1010 000100101 1001010010 1010100101010101?? 010111! Love, Geoff...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 8, 2004 01:56 AM

The Ten Most World-Famous Belgians in the World

Can I name 10 world-famous Belgians? Not including tennis players? Are you serious? Belgians!?! You do mean Belgians, as in ‘citizens of Belgium,’ n’est ce pas? Oui? Pas de problem, dude. Sure I know where it’s at. It’s in Europe...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 7, 2004 01:49 PM

Happy Birthday, Erin Gray!

Dear Col. Wilma, Happy 54th birthday! I've been watching "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century" for a long time now. When I was in grade school, I had your Thermos. It was a great picture of you. You were all...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 7, 2004 02:25 AM

Re: Spicy Latinas Want to Taste Your Big Burrito

From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito Dear Spicy Latinas, Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 7, 2004 12:37 AM

Our Disastrous Brunch

The inexplicable ruination of the BROILED PINEAPPLE RINGS had the precise fingerprints of the Illuminati all over them. Or was it the anti-Illuminati? At any rate, it was clear that the mystical alignment of the seven rings spelled out apocryphal...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 6, 2004 11:42 PM

Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow!

Dear E. L., Happy 73rd birthday! Good grief, E. L., I can't believe Britney got married and unmarried in, like, less than 24 hours. It's all so overwhelming. I'm in complete emotional upheaval here. I mean, how can she be...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 6, 2004 02:22 AM

Things I Say to Various Loved Ones, Coworkers, and Strangers When My Aunt Flo Visits

Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 6, 2004 12:28 AM

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy SquarePants

Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 5, 2004 11:35 PM

Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco!

Dear Bert, Happy 72nd Birthday! On my birthday, I spend the whole day in my birthday suit! Even when I have to go to the bank! You should try it. Also, for my birthday breakfast, I make an ice-cream-sundae omelet...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 5, 2004 02:20 AM

Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe!

Dear Stipe, Happy 44th birthday! I bet you've got a super-fun day planned! Cookies and cupcakes and pin-the-tail-on-Bill Berry. Will Boy George will come over so you guys can paint stripes on each other's faces? Freak. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 4, 2004 01:59 AM

Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Dear Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. Happy 36th Birthday! Cubby, I’m a big-time movie producer, and I've just acquired the rights to a picture that I think you'd be perfect for the lead. It’s "mostly inspired by" the true story of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 2, 2004 02:10 AM

Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger!

Dear J. D., Happy 85th Birthday! Look, J. D., we really wanted to throw you a surprise party, but you won’t leave your house, you agoraphobic maniac. What are we supposed to do, silently sneak into your kitchen and scare...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on January 1, 2004 02:01 AM

Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!

Dear J.C., Happy Birthday! I know everybody's buying you frankincense and myrrh and Xbox for your birthday, so we were totally stumped. You're a hard person to shop for! But then we remembered that carpentry was one of your hobbies,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 25, 2003 03:53 AM

Tidings of Joy

Folks, Yankee Pot Roast is calling it a year. In 2003, we had many good times and only a few bad. We made many new friends and some enemies, too. We thank all our readers, all our writers, all our...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 22, 2003 02:01 PM

Yum, pt. II

from: John Anderson [john.anderson1@rcn.com>] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Scrumptious Yankee Hey, you guys . . . I just want to thank you from the bottom of my bottom round roast for that luscious recipe. Yankee Pot Roast will live forever...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 21, 2003 11:11 AM

The Roastee Responds

Imagine if you were to wake up from an innocent sleep on Monday morning after a nice weekend with your family only to find that a bunch of strangers were waiting at your front door to kick you in the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 21, 2003 12:16 AM

Never Mind the One-Liners

Neal, it's almost Christmas and you've given me the best gift I could possibly ask for. You never come over anymore. Seriously though, folks, every night I get into bed, I take off my clothes and I read one of...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 19, 2003 11:34 PM

Stats for the Neal Pollack

THE NEAL POLLACK AKA: Blog Monster, Chromatic Neal, Type 15 Pollack CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Urban, coffee shops and other places were bad writers gather FREQUENCY: Thankfully very rare NO. APPEARING: 1 ARMOR CLASS: 10 MOVEMENT: 9’ (3’ burrowing) HIT DICE: 4...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 18, 2003 11:47 PM

Happy Birthdays, William Safire, Giovanni Ribisi, Peter Farrelly, Bill Pullman, Milla Jovovich, & Bob Guccione!

Dear everybody, Happy various birthdays! William: I can't make heads or tails of this: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, And they're like, 'It's better than yours.'" What the--?!? I know what all of the words mean,...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 17, 2003 11:45 PM

Dear Neal Pollack

Dear Neal, I haven’t read any of your books, but I did enjoy reading your blog. I guess this whole “putting an end to the online journal” is just a way to get people to buy up your books. After...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 17, 2003 11:36 PM

Happy Birthday, Liv Ullmann!

Dear Liv, Happy 64th Birthday! Liv, I'm so confused! I don't get it--how could Liv Tyler and Tracey Ullman have a baby? They're both girls. Two girls can't make a baby! Please hurry. Josh Abraham...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2003 11:54 PM

A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack's Pillow

I am a gorgeous blonde with a mean conservative streak and you are a soft leftie with thinning hair who enjoys his naked body more than any man should.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 16, 2003 11:45 PM

Happy Birthday, Don Johnson!

Dear DoJo, Happy 54th Birthday! In honor of your special day, big Don, I'll be spending 16 straight hours on my couch watching a "Nash Bridges" marathon with my dog Wiggles. Wiggles loves your show. He can even bark the...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2003 11:52 PM

Neal Pollack: The Most Important Artist of Our Time

Shakespeare said something about tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Yep, that’s Neal: “Lookit me, everybody! I’m a boring, pretentious old-fart littérateur! Harrumph! No, no, I’m a noisy, obnoxious rock’n’roller! Gabba gabba hey!” Pollack sure...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2003 11:43 PM

The Neal Pollack Roast

In which Y.P.R. hosts a communal Roast of the World's Greatest Living Writer. Roasters comprise kindred spirits Haypenny, Eyeshot, (pnote), K.E.L.R., and a slew of bloggers.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 15, 2003 12:44 AM

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue, Battleship, Boggle, Yahtzee, Sorry, a Ouija board, Trivial Pursuit, Hungry Hungry Hippos ...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 12, 2003 03:52 PM

The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover

STD, Lee. Ask her if she'll give a threesome a whirl, Earl. Keep up your skirt chasin', Jason. Introduce her to kiddie porn, Björn. Tell her you're gay, Jay. Convince her she’s a dyke, Mike. Eat some garlic knots and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 11, 2003 11:47 PM

No. 9 Dream

Doctor, I’m having that dream again. I’m in a band—an old-timey band from, like, the 50s, and we’re on stage, behind the curtain, just moments before showtime. Ed Sullivan is introducing us, and I’m freaking out, because I’m on drums—and...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 10, 2003 11:12 PM

13 Things You Can Do with That

1. Belt it; cinch it. 2. Give it to your in-laws under the guise of a peace offering and then cram it down their cheapskate throats. 3. Take it for a romantic walk in the park. Enjoy a picnic on...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 9, 2003 01:17 PM

A Rant on the Blizzard

Brrr, how ’bout that snow out there, eh, babe? That’s a lot of fuckin’ snow, Cochise. You should have seen me trying to dig my car out of the snow. My chest tightened up like John Wayne Bobbitt in a...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 8, 2003 01:43 PM

Happy Birthday, Doctor Dre!

Dear Doctor Dre, Happy 40th Birthday! Good grief, Doctor, I can't believe there are two black men in the hip-hop world both named Doctor Dre--and neither one of you actually has a medical degree! It's a good thing you're so...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 5, 2003 11:50 PM

Urban Dance

WEEK 1: SUBWAY TANGO Hi, I’m Patricio, your instructor for today’s Subway Tango. Just before we start, can I check that everybody has read the introductory leaflet? Yes? Thank you. So . . . for the next four weeks...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 5, 2003 11:20 PM

“Social Studies,” if You Know What I Mean

Names of Some National Parks that Sound Like Titles of Pornographic Films The Badlands Big Bend National Park Chattahoochee River National Recreation Area Cumberland Gap National Historic Park Dry Tortugas National Park Grand Teton National Park Hot Springs Little Bighorn...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 4, 2003 02:18 PM

The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation

Ja, so, dis is der story uf me, a young mensch who vanders arount New York mit dem red hat on mein kupf.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 2, 2003 01:47 PM

Happy Birthday, Woody Allen!

Dear Woody, Happy 68th Birthday! My grampa is 68, and he still gets dates with Tiffani Thiessen, Debra Messing, and Téa Leoni, so don’t you ever think you’ve got to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. Also, my...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2003 11:49 PM

The Songwriter

The following was excerpted from the last will and testament of Mark Auger, who died October 29 in Portland, Maine, of injuries sustained in a potato gun accident: ...but the most important matter of this will, much more important than...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on December 1, 2003 12:06 AM

Happy Birthday, Christina Applegate!

Dear Ms. Applegate, Happy 32nd Birthday! Christina, you've long known of my love for you, which burns with the power of the a thousand suns. As a special birthday gift, I've written you a song. It's called "Set Adrift on...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 25, 2003 12:21 AM

Happy Birthday, Ted Bundy & Charles Starkweather!

Dear Starkweather & Bundy, Holy crap, you guys share a birthday? I'm seriously creeped out. I know it's also comedian Billy Connolly's birthday today, and that daffy Scot has got psycho-killer written all over him. Anyway, I'm glad you pricks...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 24, 2003 01:37 AM

First and Last Paragraphs of a College-Admissions Essay that Didn't Get My Niece into Dartmouth Like She Wanted

The ooze was a familiar shade of green, but which shade, exactly?

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 24, 2003 12:35 AM

Man-on-the-Street Interviews

Q: Hey, man, I bet you can't guess what's in this wrap. A: What? Q: I've got a tasty wrap here from the deli/make-your-own-salad place up the block. I bet you can't guess what's in it. A: Um. Yeah, I'm...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 21, 2003 11:56 PM

Happy Birthday, Bo Derek!

Dear Bo, Horse? Check. Beach? Check. Braids? Check. Short British man with alcohol-induced impotency? Check. Music by Ravel? Check. O.K., here's the deal. I'm shooting, 10: 25 Years Later, and I'd love for you to reprise your role. As you...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 20, 2003 12:27 AM

The Great Gob in the Sky

Nobody knew for certain what the great gob in the sky was. The town’s elders, advised by a think tank of scientists, declared it a mass of jelly; the pundits, typically critical, argued it was jam. The general populace more...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 20, 2003 12:14 AM

Commands My Dog Hasn’t Yet Learned

down sauté roll over* left hook drop it French braid crochet rake the leaves handstand heel cogitate defrost make nachos * But almost!...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2003 10:40 PM

Are We Having the Same Conversation?

"Hello?" "May I speak with John, please?" "This is John." "Hi, John. It's Lucy." "Hi Lucy. How are you?" "I'm doing pretty well. I'm just recovering from that surgery." "What? When did you have surgery?" "I had surgery a couple...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 19, 2003 10:36 PM

Daddy Left Me Alone with God

God sprawled on the bed at the Plaza Hotel and strummed His guitar while my father sat at a nearby table and chopped up a couple lines of coke. "Knock it off, You tone-deaf asshole," said my father. Of course...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 18, 2003 11:31 PM

Swanton

In Which Amy Interviews and Rides with the U.S. Border Patrol

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 18, 2003 02:58 AM

A Plea to the People of Northern Vermont

My fellow Northern Vermonters, I, Edward Higgins, write to you today to ask for your support; to support me, and to support my legislative body, and to ignore the stones cast at me by your “Representative” Avi Schumacher and his...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 17, 2003 10:24 PM

Yes, or Psoriasis

from: David Meiklejohn [SexNotProms@aol.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: The P in Alex P. Keaton A friend of mine said it stands for Parkinson, but she's just insensitive. In case you're still looking, I found this Web site, and if it's...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 15, 2003 11:06 AM

Lemmings

"How was the weekend, Phil?" "Not too bad. Went to the in-laws on Saturday. We took the kids to one of those water parks on Sunday." "We've been meaning to take the kids. They just love the water. How was...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 14, 2003 10:34 PM

The Paris Film: Director's Commentary

Interestingly enough, Shannen Doherty was our original choice to star in the film, but there was a falling out due to creative differences.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 13, 2003 01:38 PM

When You Said, "Insensitive Prick," Were You Talking to Me?

I'm sorry about that. I was all the way over here and not paying attention. You weren't referring to me, were you? I cannot see how you could possibly think that. Baby, we've been through so much together. Remember that...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 12, 2003 09:12 PM

Happy Birthday, David Schwimmer!

Dear Schwimmer, Happy 37th birthday! What's the deal with your hair? It just keeps growing and growing and growing. Pretty soon it's going to be as big as your head (which we're comfortable saying is pretty goddamn big). What, can...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 12, 2003 12:09 AM

What I Hope to Find in Hell

Lite Beer Marilyn Monroe A previously unutterable curse word Democracy Vampire bats Baseball bats Pool tables with built-in beer coasters along the rim Soft-core porn More than enough lawyers Ramen noodles Baking-soda toothpaste Andy Kaufman Chia Pets Solicitors Final exams...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 11, 2003 11:39 PM

You Call That Celebrity Prostitution?

You call that celebrity prostitution? If you want to get out there and get yourself a celebrity john, you're going to have to do a lot better than that. For starters, I've seen better ass-shaking at a fat farm. If...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 11, 2003 09:11 PM

Happy Birthday, Demi Moore!

Dear Ms. Moore, I love you. A lot. Seriously. A lot. I have a life-sized picture of you from the cover of Vanity Fair hanging over my bed. You are an inspiration to pregnant women like me everywhere. When G.I....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 11, 2003 12:32 AM

Why I'll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association

1 Elk StreetAlbany, N.Y. 12207 November 10, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, Thank you for your application for admission to the New York State Bar Association. As you can imagine, we've had a lot of applications to review this year. I'd...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 10, 2003 09:04 PM

Why Won't Anybody Touch Me in My Special Place?

It's a simple request. I don't ask for much. I'm a law-abiding citizen of these United States. I don't drink or smoke. I always hold the door open for ladies when they are walking into a building ahead of me....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 7, 2003 09:14 PM

Requiem for "Snark"

Following this week's concurrent presentations of Ken Krimstein's snappy short story, "I Was a Teenage Snarkist" and the Y.P.R. Book Club's The Scrolling Snark by Lewis Carroll (a hump-breaking straw and an ultimate coffin nail, respectively), this humble journal believes...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 7, 2003 05:09 PM

Wonka'ed

The children were mesmerized. They’d never seen so much candy before and could hardly believe such a magical place existed! Veruca ran off to taste the creamy spots on the toadstools and Violet shook gumballs loose from the gumball tree....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 6, 2003 01:50 PM

Happy Birthday, Sally Field!

Dear Sally, Why you gotta be a stuck up bitch, yo? I wrote you a letter asking if I could lay the pipe down on your thang and put your story down on the paper. You didn't even write me...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 6, 2003 12:20 AM

Happy Birthday, Art Garfunkel!

Dear Art, Happy 62nd Birthday! Three words for you Art: "Siegfried & Garfunkel." All the best, Josh Abraham...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 5, 2003 11:56 PM

Helmets with Horns Are the Best Kind of Helmet

“Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg.” “Arg, arg. I hereby call to order the 508th meeting of Viking Local 242. Scribe, if you would please read the minutes of meeting 507?” “Arg. All present; looting up 12%, plundering even, pillaging down 46%—” “Let’s...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 5, 2003 01:50 PM

I Was a Teenage Snarkist

It all started in eighth grade when Billy Noodleman wore those paisley bellbottoms. I mean, come on, what was this, “The Brady Bunch,” for God’s sakes? This was the Midwest, land of farmers and hog butchers. I couldn’t help myself....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on November 4, 2003 12:49 AM

Gotham: Four Very Short, Spooky Plays about Monsters at Large in the City

The Vampire Goes to the Delicatessan VAMPIRE: Greetings. I vould like a quart of cow’s blood. No, vait. Better make it a gallon. CLERK: You want Guernsey or Angus? VAMPIRE: Hmm . . . is the Angus fresh? CLERK: Came...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 10:59 PM

Hallmark Holiday

Transcript from the August, 1951, Meeting in Which Hallmark Marketing Executives Invented Hallowee’en “Fellas, we need a new “event” holiday. We need something to ignite sales during that unfestive lull between the Jewlidays1 and the Big Turkey2. I’m looking at...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 10:56 PM

It's the Great Pumpkin-Patch Farmer, Charlie Brown!

Jesus H. Christ, those pesterin’ little freak chil’en are crawlin’ ’round in my punkin patch ag’in. Ain’t a Hallowe’en goes by, they’s ain’t rootin’ ’round my punkins lookin’ fors a ghost or sumpin’. Sheeit, that grotesque little bald feller’s got...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 10:55 PM

What Are We Giving Trick-or-Treaters at Our Doorstep?

Skittles that fell to earth in a torrential candystorm, just like in those commercials. Raisins. They’re nature’s candy, kids! Eat ’em up! A scorching case of V.D. Some leftover gorp the possums didn’t get to. Whatever lies within these cans...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 10:52 PM

A Trick-or-Treat Guide to the Houses on My Block

A T R I C K - O R - T R E A T G U I D E T O T H E H O U S E S O N M Y B L O C...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 10:51 PM

The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe'en House of Horror

In which Y.P.R. scares the bejesus out of you.

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 10:17 PM

A Hallowe'en Message from Dr. Demento

Howdy, ghouls and boys! And a special spooky, scary, creepy Helloooo to all my scarily dwindling audience of listeners! As an outdated radio personality whom nobody really pays any attention anymore, except for maybe “Weird Al” Yankovic and “Grampa” Al...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 12:31 PM

Happy Birthday, Vanilla Ice!

Dear Vanilla, Happy 35th Birthday! I remember there was one Halloween, probably 1990, (circa Cool as Ice) where I dressed like you for the occasion. I had the hair, the “Word To Your Mother” jacket, the total lack of muscular...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 31, 2003 01:31 AM

Elizabeth Smart: The Christopher Monks Interview

MONKS: Hi, Elizabeth. SMART: Hi. MONKS: How are you doing? SMART: I'm good. MONKS: You mean 'well.' SMART: What? MONKS: It's 'I'm well,' not 'I'm good.' That's the correct way to say it. SMART: Oh, right. Sorry. MONKS: No biggie....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 30, 2003 09:05 PM

Lessons Learned from HBO

Don't cross the streams. There's no crying in baseball. You do not talk about fight club. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking. Never get...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 30, 2003 01:40 PM

If We Were Marvel Comics, She'd Win a No-Prize

from: Monica G. Staples [mstaples@partners.org] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Birthday letter to Rachael Leigh Cook The answer could have been lobster too....

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 30, 2003 11:03 AM

What I Hope to Find in Heaven

Girl Scout cookies The Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine Clara Peller, the lady from the “Where's the beef?” commercial Shag carpeting (white) A really good radio station Bingo Miniature golf The scent of fabric softener 24-hour Taco Bell Disco bowling The entire...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 29, 2003 11:26 PM

Cliffster Notes

Frankenstein by M.S.: A scientist builds a person. The built person kills the scientist’s family and friends because after he got built, the scientist freaked out and ran away like a little pansy-ass coward, and now the built man feels...

Posted in Yankee Pot Roast on October 29, 2003 11:10 PM

Shelley Jackson's Skin Project

In which Y.P.R. writes a whole short story on one human canvas, as response to Shelley Jackson's Skin project (in which volunteers have a word apiece tattooed onto their bodies).