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January 6, 2004

Crockpot.

THINGS I SAY TO VARIOIUS LOVED ONES, COWORKERS, AND STRANGERS WHEN MY AUNT FLO VISITS*

BY
AMY STENDER





  1. Can you just shut up? Just shut up.

  2. Get the hell out of my way.

  3. The fuck you care?

  4. The fuck you staring at?

  5. Fuck you.

  6. Go hungry for all I care. Okay? Iím not hungry, ergo, Iím not fucking cooking for two people when Iím not going to eat.

  7. Can you guys just shut UP!? I have a headache.

  8. I hate you.

  9. If you ever throw money at me again, Iíll shove a knife into your gut while youíre sleeping. Iím not kidding. Do you know how cheap you make me feel when youíre pitching twenty-dollar bills at me?

  10. Iíll slap the shit-eating grin right off your ugly face.

  11. You want to throw down? Címon. Letís go. No, where are you going? Are you chicken? I said come on.

  12. I dare you to say that again -- to my face.

  13. Youíre my problem! Youíre just being lazy! I want to go get a Christmas tree and all you want to do is read a stupid magazine. Youíre being lazy! I want to decorate a tree and wrap all the presents Iíve bought, some of them for YOU, okay? For YOU. And I want to put those presents under the tree, okay? I donít want to wait until the last minute when all the good trees are taken. [Crying]

  14. If Kyle ever calls after midnight again, I swear Iíll kill him the next time he comes over here, Jason. Iíll fucking kill him.

  15. Dude, I want to punch you in the face so hard right now.

  16. Well you better start walking, because I sure as shit ainít driving you all the way over there. Have you looked out the window? Whatís all that white shit all over the roads? Iím not driving in that, I donít care if Iím the only one with four-wheel drive. Just because I have four-wheel drive, that doesnít make my car an ATV, okay? Itís not a snowmobile, itís a fuckiní Honda.








*As it turns out, the character of 'Aunt Flo' is a not a parental sibling or sibling-in-law, but a euphemism.




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Crockpot.


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