SOME THINGS YOU OUGHT TO HAVE MENTIONED BEFORE YOU BROUGHT ME, YOUR IRISH-CATHOLIC BOYFRIEND, TO MEET YOUR PARENTS AT MY FIRST SEDER EVER WITH YOUR ORTHODOX FAMILY
- We won't be eating for hours. I know you said this before—but I thought you were kidding around. What kind of holiday is this? You said, "Jews love to eat!" I don't get it. I thought I was going to pass out.
- This might have gone better if you mentioned that I should cover my tats.
- The "Haggadah" your family uses is in Hebrew only. Why did you say for me to volunteer to read in order to impress your folks if you knew this? "Bah-rouk Hatah Adenoy El-O-Heynou"—You could have written out the phonetic translation for me.
- You said your dad had a good sense of humor. I thought he would laugh about the Ramses/condom thing, and the Nissan/car thing. I was just trying to ease the tension after the whole "tats" issue.
- I went out on Thursday nights, I never watched "Seinfeld". Once or twice—but I don't know every episode by heart. It's just a TV show; get over it. Rather than argue with me, you could explain what a "soup Nazi" is.
- Didn't know that you don't smoke in front of your family. But, seriously, after three hours of frog plagues and bad singing, I needed a cigarette!
- That your nieces are so uptight. I thought they liked music: that's why I invited them to see Metallica!
(And P.S. "Creeping Death" is about Passover! Duh!)
- Maybe I'm not the first person to make a joke about "hiding the Afikomen", but you didn't have to kick me under the table like that.
- Your dad's friend was telling Jew-jokes all night. My Jewish-lawyer joke was funny—in fact, it wasn't even a "Jewish" joke: "It was so cold tonight I saw a lawyer with his hands in HIS OWN pockets!" That's hardly anti-Semitic!
- I never said that Jesus Christ was the Messiah; I only said he was the Messiah for the Catholics. I get it that you guys are still waiting.
- The moror is, like, horseradish. You know how I hate that stuff.
- The cake was awesome. How was I to know that your nieces hadn't been served?
- I love Mad Max; you know this. My point was that Mel Gibson only acted in Mad Max. I think your family overreacted.
- I'm sorry I laughed at your aunt's name. I know she's Israeli—but "Schlomete"? C'mon—how can I not laugh???
- The Four Questions thing. I thought this was wide open and I was trying to participate, like you suggested. I didn't mean to make your nieces cry.
- Your uncle's 7th Inning speech on "What it means to be Jewish" was boring on a level reserved for the "Morpheus" character in both Matrix sequels. Your Mom rolled her eyes, too.
- The whole kepah thing might have stayed on if we brought bobby pins.
- No pork and no shellfish? What kind of religion is this?
- David Lee Roth is Jewish. Your Mother's side of the family is "Roth." I had to ask!
- By the way—GUINNESS IS KOSHER. I checked it out. According to the Chicago Rabbinical Council's alcohol list on kashrut.com, Irish stouts are kosher. That makes Guinness kosher! IN YOUR FACE!!!