Everything According to Incredible Acquaintances
The following is a selection of testimonials from several people who claim to have crossed paths with Jonathan Safran Foer:
His Cleaning Lady
In beginning Jonathan was more nice of man and more like just nice boy. He says hello to me anytime I come to his apartment for giving it cleaning nice and good. He always be there just alone and by himself with no other bodies there. Problem there still is for me. Mr. Jonathan has deep love to his cups of tea and the teabags that go with are always present in many of the corners of the room. I tell him this is problem. I prefer that he not do this thing. I ask him to allow the trash container to take these for him. He tell me, “O.K., I will do it.” Never has he done this thing I ask.
His Interior Decorator
First we had to de-Ikea Mr. Foer’s small, but charming prewar flat. He knew sort of what he wanted but had a heck of a time narrowing down his tastes to fit everything into his two-bedroom railroad apartment. We eventually settled on a theme: “Welcome to Ellis Island.” Jonathan made it clear that whenever guests would drop by for a visit that it feel very much like seeing America for the first time at the beginning of the 20th century. When I came back to collect the bill, I was forced to wait in a long line and have my papers in order before he would see me in his freshly painted breakfast nook.
His Personal Trainer
Jonathan insisted on taking both Pilates and yoga. A little much I thought. But after a few weeks he tuckered out and starting showing up only every once in a while for a spin class. I tried to get tough with him, but he’s a real charmer and can usually talk his way out of doing any real work. Whatever, he’s in O.K. shape now, but I see a flabby future.
His Waiter at a Chinese Restaurant
Jon-Jon is a trailblazer. He was the first customer to ever send back a fortune cookie. I asked what was wrong and he hissed at me, “These aren’t fortunes! They’re sayings. What happened to the fortune cookies of my youth? When sometimes the fortunes predicted bad things in the future? Those were fortunes.” I explained those types of fortune cookies aren’t good for business. Customers won’t come back if they’re told something awful might happen. Jonathan glared at me through his very expensive pair of glasses and launched into a tedious monologue in which all he basically said was that awful events often end up defining people. And then he left what appeared to be a promising tip. However, after flipping through the large stack of bills, I noticed they were all singles and didn’t amount to much.