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Thursday, July 24, 2003   |    Fiction

Dialogue from Deleted Scenes from Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Yarr matey, behold: the good ship Epcot.

Avast, be that Lizzie McGuire in the distance?

Ahoy! Land ho! Let’s loot and pillage like the pirates we be! And then let’s rape the fair maidens. If we have no time for looting and pillaging, let’s skip right to the raping of fair maidens. If there be no fair maidens, we’ll take foul maidens. I hate this fucking boat.

Matey: Arr, what lovely mascara you’re wearing Cap’n Jack. It really brings out the color of yer eyes.
Cap’n: Aw, thanks, ye scurvy dog. I didn’t think ye’d notice.
Matey: Arr, I didn’t want to say anything. I thought it would be awkward.
(Long, long pause.)
Cap’n: Um, arr, is that land I see?
Matey: Ahoy! Land ho!

Good Cap’n: Halt, ye that approach! State yer business… Arrr! If it isn’t Cap’n Pegleg Hookbeard, me old Cap’n, what I mutiny’ed and stole his boat!
Bad Cap’n: Aye, ’tis me, yer most hated foe. ’Tis a small world, Cap’n.
Good Cap’n: Aye, ’tis a world of laughter, a world of tears…

Yarr, there be dangerous water ahead: first we must sail through the straights of Thunder Mountain, then onto the isle of the Country Bears, then into ye old Gift Shoppe, and then Tomorrowland ho! Yarr, this corporate marketing gets me pantaloons in a twist.

Splash Mountain? But I haven’t put on me swimwear. Br’er Rabbit, me sworn old enemy, ye haven’t seen the last of me!

Cap’n: Yarr! Avast! Yarr! Ye reckon it’s the scurvy or the rickets that makes us pirate-folk talk so dumb?
Matey: Methinks ’tis the syphillis, Cap’n.
Cap’n: Aye. ’tis the syphilis.

Ye have the nerve to slap me, foul wench? Listen, I know this may seem kind of out of place but, um, I really like you. I think you are very pretty, the way yer bosom heaves just so from your bodice and yer eyes are all twinkly-like. I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime. I mean, you don’t have to answer now. Think about it but, um, I think we’d have a good time. Uh, yaarrrr.

Yo ho ho! A bottle o’ rum. Have ye any cola? Preferably Coke. The Cap’n don’t like the Pepsi. ’Tis too sweet.

Yaarr, we be released by Touchstone Pictures. That Nemo haven’t got a chance.

Matey: Yarr! A ship! Let’s attack!
Cap’n: No, matey. That thar’s a Big Red Boat. Let her be.
Matey: Aye, she’s beautiful.
Cap’n: And cost-effective while providing a fun, family-friendly vacation. Call yer travel agent. Arrr.
Matey: Cap’n?
Cap’n: Aye, Disney owns the rights to me firstborn son.