Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Land Area
304,465 sq. km
(slightly smaller than New Mexico)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn German!
Gute Himmel, haben Sie einen reizenden Busen. Mag ich ihn berühren?
Good heavens, you have a lovely bosom. May I touch it?

Y.P.aRt Gallery

Syndicate! RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm
Large Print | Spanish Bea! Add to your Kinja digest Creative Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 3.15.
© MMV, Y.P.R. & Co.
Monday, November 22, 2004   |    Fiction

Memo to Outgoing Cabinet Members

by Jonathan Stern


to: All Cabinet Members

Dear Secretary of _______________:

Good news! You’re resigning. For your convenience, below is a suggested template for use in the drafting of your resignation letter. You are encouraged to personalize by copying it over in your own handwriting. Neatness counts! Please feel free to use your own words. More specifically, your own name. Any other deviation from the text will result in immediate Richard Clarke treatment.

Dear Mr. President,

It is with great sadness and a heavy     [heart / soul / wallet]     that I must offer you my resignation as Secretary of ________________.

We have accomplished much these past four years, and I am proud to have been a part of     [your / Karl’s / your dad’s]     team. Together, we have seen the end of a decade of     [neglect / burdensome regulation / compromise / prosperity]     which has threatened our very     [existence / way of life / water supply / indomitable grip on power / trade imbalance / close friends and donors]     . I can depart my post, confident that our country is in on the right course and with the satisfaction of a job well done     [ ! / !! / !!! / ☺ ]     .

There is still work to do, however. Now that the country has been     [protected / secured / stripped / brainwashed]           [from / of / for]     its     [enemies / friends / resources / self-esteem / soul / relationship to The Constitution]     , my successor will be free to focus on the trivial pursuits of a second term. Nevertheless, I know that, under your firm yet     [gentle / divine / iron-fisted]     guidance, this department and America will never waiver in the continuing War on     [Terror / the Poor / the Environment / Activist Judges / the Liberal Media / Women / Ted Kennedy / Sex]     .

This decision, of course, is a personal one. No one has in any way foisted upon me, hinted at backstage during the convention, or leaked to the press my agonizing decision to resign. When you first appointed me, I had resolved, in a secret conversation between just you and me that was never referenced even once in the past four years, that I had only intended to stay for one term. I wish to return to my pursuit of     [riches / knowledge / knowledge of riches / my oil company]     that I have neglected for so long.

No matter how vehemently you request it, I will not be writing any books about my time as your Secretary of ________________. Nor will I be reading any books either. I simply need time to spend with my     [family / aforementioned riches / prized racehorse / forthcoming lucrative lobbying position]     .

This in no way is an admission of wrongdoing, incompetence, disagreement, or any other sort of mistake-making. If the liberal media somehow tries to make it seem as such, let me say here and now that you had no knowledge of it. Whatever it is.

It has been my honor and privilege to serve under you these past four years. May God continue to be at your side, in that little anteroom you fixed up for Him where the library used to be.

                                                                                Secretary of ____________

Jonathan Stern is a screenwriter and film & TV producer living in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. He's produced the films Scotland, PA (starring Christopher Walken), Oxygen (starring Adrien Brody), and HBO's The Vagina Monologues, among others. His allergies are bothering him this season.