I am Y.P.R.'s Boring Logo
Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!) Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies Poetry & Lyric Advice, How To, & Self-Help Listicles Semi-Frequent Columns Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Interviews The Book Club Letter from the Editors Disquieting Modern Trends Birthday Cards to Celebrities New & Noteworthy The Y.P.aRt Gallery Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera The Y.P.aRchives Submit
supportbar.jpg Bea!
  Creative Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 3.15.
Y.P.R. & Co.
The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Friday, May 19, 2006   |    Fiction

Barely Awake

I woke up in a strange place, then I went back to sleep. Then I woke up again and a bear was next to me. The bear spoke:

“Don’t worry, I only eat salmon.”

“O.K.,” I said.

The bear started sniffing, then it sniffed more, and finally it stopped sniffing and spoke again, this time in a British accent.

“Chap, I hate to say this, but I smell some bloody salmon here … it’s coming from your ass.”

“It is?” I asked, clenching my butt cheeks. “Do what you gotta do,” I said. I wasn’t in the mood to fight a grizzly; maybe a black bear, but not a grizzly.

“You’re a smart kid,” the bear said, its long tongue doing rotation exercises. They say you can get off when someone plays with your ass; I was about to find out, I thought.

“Damn, this is some good salmon, playa,” the bear said, this time in urban lingo. “This shit be straight out of Alaska.”

“Yes, it is straight out of Alaska,” I said. Disagreeing with a bear while it eats salmon out of your ass can be a mistake.

The bear finished, and I went back to sleep again. Its left paw was on my chest, but I didn’t dare say anything. It was a grizzly bear you know.

I woke up again, this time in a place I knew very well. A hippo was there. I knew the hippo. The hippo never ate salmon out of my ass. The hippo turned to me and spoke:

“Honey, go make the coffee and let the dog out.”

“Yes,” I said.

The salmon wasn’t in my ass anymore, the bear was gone, and worst of all, the hippo would always be there.

William J. Morrison invented cotton candy in 1897, via the electric candy machine he co-patented with John C. Wharton, a fellow Nashville confectioner; however his legacy is disputed by Josef Delarose Lascaux, a dentist from New Orleans, whose professional interests clearly conflict with his confectionery boasts.