Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca “Piedi di Monica Bellucci”
Dear foot fetishists, Bellucci enthusiasts, celebrity podiatrists, assorted freaks and weirdoes,
Nearly every day one of you oddballs curiously seeks results for some variant of the phrase “Monica Bellucci’s feet” from Google and, thanks to the vast intricacies of search-engine technology coupled with the arbitrary forces of fate, lands on our Web site, Yankee Pot Roast—an immature literary forum which, though it may often be crude, perverse, exploitative of celebrity worship, and steeped in a wide array of fetishisms, eccentricities, and grotesqueries, has nothing whatsoever to do with the alluring Italian actress’s feet, or any other part of her body. Surely, you inquisitive lunatics are unfathomably disappointed and frustrated when you come in diligent pursuit of pop-cultural, medical, or masturbatory material (or any combination of those) and find nothing but a cheap collection of semi-sophisticated ironic fiction, vaguely threatening letters to multinational corporations, and stupid birthday cards for famous people. O, the cruel, calloused hand of destiny!
Because Y.P.R. is of an inquisitive mind, much like you, you freaky, determined Googlers, a quick investigation of the archives turned up the following evidence as catalyst to your cosmic redirection to this site:
On March 14th of this year, Y.P.R. posted a short work titled “My Dinner with Bellucci and Bellow,” written by the expertly acute Mr. Bobby Rufferto, in which the author satirically described a fictional interview that juxtaposed strange bedfellows in Nobel Prize-winning author Saul Bellow and Italian sexpot Monica Bellucci. As luck would have it, the delicious satire included one line that could not have appeared more innocuous at the time of its writing: “Ms. Bellucci leaps to her feet.” That was it—nothing sexual or sinister implied by it, simply a device to initiate Ms. Bellucci’s segue from dinner table to makeshift dance floor.
Well, the rest is, as they say, history: Y.P.R. has received a disturbingly disproportionate number of visits from Web surfers all over the planet in pursuit of articles concerning or photographs depicting Ms. Bellucci’s famous feet. Regrettably, Y.P.R. does not currently feature anything even remotely related to the subject, save for an idle reference, as explained above. We’re sure her feet are as exquisite as any; we imagine them to be soft, delicate, round and chubby in the toes, svelte in the ankle, firm at the heel, smooth-knuckled, of impeccable arch, completely hairless, uncalloused, comprising perfectly proportioned toes, and routinely pedicured by the finest Korean attendants money can buy.
But that’s about it … so far. If dear readers and lucky Googlers have found particularly well written articles regarding Ms. Bellucci’s highly coveted feet, or photographs or illustrations of the feet, and choose to forward them to Y.P.R.’s attention, perhaps in the near future the collected findings will be compiled and presented here on the site, so that Yankee Pot Roast can at least offer something worthwhile for the searchers who arrive here by accident, but, we hope, will return by choice.
Yankee Pot Roast