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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Memo Regarding the Viability of Superheroes as Future Presidential Candidates

by Cole Haddon

President Steve Rogersto: R.N.C. Chair
from: Karl Rove
re: Viability of Captain America, Captain Marvel (a.k.a. “Shazam”), and Black Lightning as Presidential Candidates

Despite the 3% margin of victory during the recent election—an overwhelming mandate, quite certainly—it is well known that the U.S. people quite often swing back to the opposing party after two-term presidents. Consider A. Gore’s loss following the populist administration of B. Clinton: such an outcome must be prevented!

A successful strategy could very likely be the nomination of a new party “superstar” to rejuvenate lagging public confidence, as we did with R. in the 80’s and our nemeses did with C. in ’92. Schwarzenegger had seemed the most potent choice, but someone failed to memo me regarding Article II of the Constitution when we got that loveable Nazi elected. My thinking is that, rather than search for another actor with a notable Q rating, perhaps we should find our new superstar from within the superhero arena. After much inquiry and personal deliberation, I have come upon three candidates whom, I feel, could secure us a third term:

Captain America (Steve Rogers)
Pros: Public service record stretching back to WWII; proven leadership skills as the head of super team, the Avengers; icon of über-patriotic proportions irrevocably bound to the Stars & Stripes; “good ole boy” image (blonde hair, blue eyes) likely to appeal to conservative base; pro-life; anti-U.N.; anti-immigrant; anti-alien.
Cons: Super-strength derived from experimentation with drugs; recovering alcoholic; pro-mutant; pro-gay marriage; has never escaped the rumors that surrounded his early relationship with the youthful “sidekick,” Bucky (doctored (or are they?) photos continue to circulate on the Internet).

Captain Marvel (Billy Baston)
Pros: Showered with respect only enjoyed as abundantly by Captain America and Superman (recall: Supes is a naturalized citizen, formerly of Krypton); familiar face at Republican speaking engagements; respected for his Judeo-Christian black & white stance re: ethical issues (practicing Southern Baptist); founding member of the Justice Society of America and current member of Justice League of America; pro-life; pro-God; possesses of the Wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury.
Cons: Possesses (or is it, is possessed by?) the Wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury; he is, all at once, an American, a Greek, an Italian, and a Jew (certainly the question will be: where lies his loyalty? and is he even an American?); pro-U.N.; pro-alien (is good friends with J’onn J’onnz, a.k.a. Martian Manhunter); B. Baston is only a 14-year-old boy—certainly imbued with magical powers that transform him into a legal-aged candidate (but will Americans be able to overlook this?).

Black Lightning (Jefferson Pierce)
Pros: Gold medalist at Montreal Olympics (decathlon), high school English teacher (man of the people, not another “elitist” Republican (reason we declined Tony Stark’s offer to run)); grew up in Metropolis’s Suicide Slums, where his father was killed by gang members (again, a “People’s President”); eloquent elocutionist (no Luke Cage jive here); he’s African-American.
Cons: He’s African-American; according to polls, too “white” for most African-Americans and too “black” for most Caucasians (the dreaded “C. Powell Syndrome”); he founded a super-team called the Outsiders, so obviously not an “inclusive” player; pro-choice; anti-gun; he’s African-American.

Please review these suggestions A.S.A.P. and e-mail me your thoughts. With V.P. C. unwilling to run, it is essential that we begin to address this issue immediately.

Karl Rove
Special Advisor to P.O.T.U.S.

Cole Haddon is a struggling writer with little going for him, except inordinately sized testicles and the same "Go get ’em!" attitude that scored Rocky Balboa a multi-picture deal. Look for his non-fiction in ’zines like Real Detroit Weekly, Sonic Slang, Rockrgrl, Venus, and Buzzine. If you like his fiction, though, you'll have to look harder. Turns out, he might not be as talented as he likes to think he is.