Dear Breckin Meyer,
Happy 29th Birthday!
OK, I’m looking and I’m looking and I’m looking and for the life of me, I can’t place you. I know that I know you from somewhere but I can’t figure out where. Did you go to Camp Towanda? Were you an Apache in 1986? That’s the only thing that I could come up with. I mean, I know that you didn’t go to my high school or all of your acting crap would show up in the goddamn alumni e-mail that I can’t unsubscribe to. Are you a distant cousin of mine? I don’t think you were at any of those Passover seders that we have but they are like 90-people large, so maybe you were there. I feel like my mother would be comparing me to you all the time if we were related. I don’t think that’s it.
Well, if you come up with anything let me know. It’s killing me.
Happy Birthday, ya sonofabitch!