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Birthday Cards to Celebrities Archive

Happy Birthday, Penn Jillette!

March 5, 1955 | Penn Jillette | magician

Dear Penn,

How do you do that trick where take away your assistant’s vocal cords? See, I’ve got this assistant at the office--she’s an excellent worker, and quite a peach, but something of a chatterbox. It’s always yap, yap, yap, all day long. I can’t take it. I don’t want to fire her, I just want her to shut up for a little while. At least until her mother is either cured or dead from lupus, because if I have to listen to her complain about that anymore I’m going to lose it.

Thanks, and have a happy birthday.

Deepak Chopra
Deepak Chopra, M.D.

Happy Birthday, Chastity Bono!

March 4, 1969 | Chastity Bono | daughter

Dear Chas,

Well, who’s America’s most famous lesbian daughter now? You got served, bitch! Happy birthday!

Mary Cheney

Happy Birthdays, John Irving and Tom Wolfe!

March 2, 1942 | John Irving | America’s greatest living author March 2, 1931 | Tom Wolfe | America’s greatest living author

Dear John/Tom,

I had a little extra time on my hands last week, so I swung by the bookstore and picked up your latest respective offerings. John, your new book is wonderful. My puppy pit bull, Eudora, likes to relieve herself all over Chapter 3; though I prefer to wipe my ass with Chapter 7. Tom, your new book is quite good as well. I’ve torn the pages in even strips and, with a little help from my friends Water, Flour, and Glue, made a beautiful papier-mâché house, a mask, and a hat. Since you’re such a long-winded blowhard, I have enough left over to throw off the deck of the ship as I depart on my next cruise. Bon voyage, losers.

Happy birthday,
John Updike

Happy Birthday, Harry Belafonte!

March 1, 1927 | Harry Belafonte | tallyman

Dear Mr. Tallyman,

You wrote the best banana song ever! I also work on a banana boat, and lemme tell ya, the boys never get tired of singing your awesome banana song. Maybe 30, 40 times a dayo. I’ve been working on the boat twelve and half years now. There’s usually some idle chitchat at the start of the workday--sports, weather, stuff like that. We don’t really discuss politics much on the boat. After an hour or so, we’ve pretty much said all there is to say. Most of the guys don’t have too much going on after work. You spend long hours on the boat, and it’s exhausting; usually when daylight come, me want to go home. Anyway whenever it gets quiet for a bit, somebody will always shout, “Daaaaaaaaay-o.” It’s usually this guy Wally. And then there’s generally a moment of silence, and you don’t know if anyone’s going to pipe up and continue the song. You just wait and wait and sometimes you really think it’s over, that the boys have had enough of it ... but somebody always sings back “Day-ay-ay-o” eventually. And then we’re all singing it. It’s a real catchy tune.

Wally’s O.K., I guess. I just wish he’d mix it up a bit.

Happy birthday!

Josh Abraham

Happy Birthday, Ja Rule!

February 29, 1976 | Ja Rule | rapper

Dear Ja,

So I’ve heard you’re from Hollis, Queens. Holla! My grandmoms lives in Hollis, too. Holla! Holla! Do you know her? She’s a sweet old lady. Holla. If you’re in Hollis anytime soon, she lives on Hillside right off 182nd Street. Holla! Holla! You should stop by. I bet she’d knit you a scarf if you asked politely. Holla scarf! And maybe even make you a sandwich on challah bread. Challah!

Holla birthday!

Nick Jezarian

Happy Birthday, Steve Jobs!

February 24, 1955 | Steve Jobs | big apple

Dear Steve,

Rick Astley!I love my iPod so much. Probably as much as I do Rick Astley. In fact, I filled my entire 60-gig iPod with Rick Astley originals and covers. It’s all Rick all the time. Rick on the way to work. Rick on the way home. Rick for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Rick when I wake up and Rick when I go to sleep. I never dreamed I could get this much Rick and it’s all thanks to you and your marvelous little gadget. I don’t know what I’d do without my iPod, especially now that I’m required to keep at least 500 feet from Rick at all times. Seriously, all I wanted to do was show him my iPod, but I guess he was scared because of the last time I tried to show him something. Anyway, thanks again!

Happy birthday!

Best wishes,
Geoff Wolinetz

Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis!

September 30, 1980 | Martina Hingis | tennis player

Dear Ms. Hingis,

Congratulations! We here at the International Society of Foreheads have had our eye on your for quite some time. That is one large and shiny forehead you've got there, Ms. Hingis. Now that you've more or less decided to retire from tennis, we'd like to officially extend an offer of membership to you to join our society! There are many benefits to membership. We have in place a 20% discount at the Hanky Shack for forehead cloths. Additionally, if you put our plaque in the window of your car, you can park in the handicapped spot at the 7-Eleven in Bethesda, Maryland. It's basically for those quick trips when you just need small things like toilet paper and O'Doul's.

We hope you'll join our ranks. We think you'd make a fine addition.

Happy Birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan!

September 29, 1966 | Jill Whelan | actress

Dear Jill,

Oh man, when I was a little kid, I used to love watching "The Love Boat." My favorite was during the opening credits when everyone would shill for the camera as their name flashed on the screen. I used to love when Isaac would flash those double guns at the screen--BAM! Ha-ha. It was like he was shooting at you. When I was really little, I used to duck so he wouldn't hit me but then my mom had the doctor give me these pills and I really didn't feel the need to duck anymore. In fact, after I started taking those pills, I didn't really feel the need to do anything at all. After that, I stopped watching the show because I heard Lauren Tewes had an insatiable appetite for cocaine. Hey, do you still talk to her? What's she up to?

Oh, there's the buzzer. Time to take my pill.

Happy Birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Whelan. Is that Dutch?

Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones!

September 28, 1946 | Jeffrey Jones | Rooney

Dear Jeffrey Jones,

By God, you were wonderful in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. The role of bumbling, ill-fated Principal Rooney was just marvelous for you. I can't even conceive of anyone else playing that role now that you've done it. I just cannot say enough good things about you. Your well-groomed moustache, your light blue suit, everything was just perfect. My favorite scene in the film was when you were scrambling around the office with your inept secretary, Grace. No offense but she left a little something to be desired. She should go play the next-door neighbor on a sitcom about a family where the father is an airline pilot and the mother spends a lot of time with the kids but tragically dies the following season and is replaced by an actress with a glass eye.

By the way, I've been in a coma for the last 20 years. Sorry it took so long for me to get to you about this but I'm just catching up year by year and I just hit 1986. Your performance was so riveting that I'm just dying to know what's happening in your life now. Anything newsworthy?

Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff!

September 28, 1987 | Hilary Duff | jailbait

Dear Hilary,

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I. Hate. You.

Happy 17th Birthday!

Lindsay Lohan

P.S. You're getting fat.

Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne!

September 27, 1984 | Avril Lavigne | sk8ter grrrl

Dear Avril,

Happy 20th Birthday! I totally hope you have the best birthday ever and don't die! I hope it's a great day start to finish, and you're not attacked by rabid dogs or infected with any Third World diseases for which there are no cures. I hope you're not crushed by any falling meteors or major appliances being airlifted by helicopter. I hope your hair and teeth don't fall out and your skin isn't riddled with boils. I also hope you recognize insincerity. Happy birthday!

Hilary Duff

Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley!

September 27, 1934 | Wilford Brimley | oatmeal spokesperson

Dear Mr. Brimley,

Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud, all you do is play the role of old men. Cocoon, the grandfather in the Chad Allen show “Our House,” Cocoon: The Return. It’s all old people. And according to your IMDb biography, you were a blacksmith. A blacksmith! You’ve been trained in a profession that has no practical application anymore. If I’m ever looking for a really old, heavyset guy who kind of looks like a walrus and has been trained as a blacksmith to be in my movie, I’ll know who to call.

Happy Birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Do you have a mouth or do you talk out of your moustache?

Happy Birthday, Bryan Ferry!

September 26, 1955 | Bryan Ferry | musician

Dear Bryan Ferry,

I swear I'm trying, but after 15 years of blissfully obeying your Hakuna Matata philosophy, I'm starting to worry again. The other day Fox News flagrantly manipulated data before my very eyes. They were running through state-by-state electoral math based upon that morning's new polling data, and when they got to Florida, of all places, they said this, I swear: Kerry's slightly ahead by today's polls, 49-48(ish?), but since Bush has been consistently edging him out, we're going to go ahead and give the state to the Republicans, expecting this temporary fluke to reverse itself soon. And then when they added it all up, they proudly announced Bush would stomp over Kerry, were the election held today, with a 50-something electoral lead. But the numbers didn't add up that way! They plainly said they were dismissing a number that would've forced them to admit a Kerry victory. And no one called them on this, Bobby. Bobby? I mean ... Bryan. Um ... Shit. I started writing this card thinking you were the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” guy. Bobby McFerrin, that's his name. Admit it, they sound alike. Bobby McFerrin, Bryan Ferry. It's pretty close. Well, sorry to have wasted your time. Happy 49th Birthday anyway.


Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris!

June 15, 1973 | Neil Patrick Harris | child prodigy

Dear Doogie Howser, M.D.,

Happy 31st Birthday!

I have all of your episodes on tape. I've edited out all of the commercials and credits, so if you watch now, it's just one long episode. Sometimes I can sit for hours and hours and watch you grow up before my eyes. Remember when Vinnie delivered his French teacher's child in the elevator? How about when you slept with your girlfriend Wanda for the first time? Oh and what about when you'd been drinking at a party and got busted by the cops for D.U.I. while responding to a call from the hospital? That last one happened to me also, if by "hospital" you mean "ex-wife" and by "call," you mean "paternity lawsuit."

Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me out. I've enclosed a picture of my back. I have this weird growth. It looks kind of like Edwin Newman. I have no idea what it is. Balms and salves have done nothing and I can barely reach the damn thing anyway. You have any idea what this might be? I'd go to an actual doctor but the courts won't let me have health insurance.

Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday, Joe Montana!

June 11, 1956 | Joe Montana | footballer

Dear Joe,

O.K., here's the deal: You've got the ball. It’s 4th and 4. There's less than a minute left in the game. You're down by a field goal. You haven't been able to move the ball with the run game all day and you're pretty sure that you won't be able to get 4 yards on the ground now. You're at your opponent's 34-yard line. A field-goal attempt right now would be 51 yards. If you make it, you go into overtime. If you miss, the game is over. If you go for it and make it, you still aren't guaranteed anything but a shorter field goal. You have no timeouts on the board. What do you do? Seriously, any ideas?

I have this game of Madden on pause and my brother's getting really pissed off.

Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday, Gina Gershon!

June 10, 1962 | Gina Gershon | rock star?

Dear Gina,

You're my favorite actress-turned-rock star, even though you aren't as popular as some other actress-turned-rock stars who won't even read my letters. I mean, I'm not offended or anything that someone became way too busy to read my letters anymore. When you have a clothing line, movies to make, songs to record and people to marry, you can't make time to read every single letter, even if the letter was sent by a longtime fan from the "Fly Girl" days and not some Johnny-come-lately Maid in Manhattan fan. Oh God. It still hurts. I'll be fine.

Hey, so I'm in a rock band too and I was wondering if you wanted to tour with us. We hit a lot of the bigger clubs in the greater Columbus metro area. We do mostly Jim Nabors songs but the people here seem to love us. Let me know when you get a chance.

Happy Birthday!


P.S. Dear God, you're hot!

Happy Birthday, Dick Vitale!

June 9, 1939 | Dick Vitale | PTPer


Happy Birthday, you glass-eyed wonder. You're scintillating in your old age. I worry though, you're a PTPer but your level of stress might be the death of you. You're crazy with a capital C.

And your name says it all, Dick. Please stop screaming, and when you find time to remove your lil' Dickie Jr. from Duke's ass, I'd be obliged if you could send me an autograph.

I'm outttttta heeeeere,

Happy Birthday, Nancy Sinatra!

June 8, 1940 | Nancy Sinatra | Daughter of the Board

Dear Nance,

Do you know where those boots were made for walking? In Madagascar. By nine-year-olds for eleven cents an hour. Or maybe by eleven-year-olds for nine cents an hour. I don't remember what they said on "20/20", but it was bad. Really bad.

Happy 63rd Birthday, baby!


P.S. My boots were made for kicking ass.

Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade!

June 2, 1740 | Marquis de Sade | smut peddler

Dear Marquis,

Happy 264th Birthday, you swishy pervert! You rock! You're one of the best Marquis ever! Better even than Markie Post! She was so crazy on "Night Court." Christine Sullivan: defense attorney, Anglophile, bitter foil to John Larroquette's Dan Fielding (four-time Emmy winner!). Remember when they used to do those marathons of a hundred cases by midnight? Those episodes were awesome. One time, I think, they were weighing defendants by the pound. Probably for some charity, but I'm not sure. Why isn't that show on cable? On USA or TBS or something?

All those dead bailiffs made me sad.

Happy birthday, ya depraved, tongueless nut!

Best wishes,

Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum!

June 1, 1973 | Heidi Klum | übermodel

Dear Heidi,

I think you are the second most beautiful woman alive! You are right behind Jennifer Connelly and right ahead of Star Jones on the list that I keep thumbtacked to the wall in my basement workroom. I keep a running tally of the 100 most beautiful women in the world. I update regularly. Of course, I file the old lists away in a folder, so I can keep track of my ever-changing tastes. For instance, in the Fall of 1995, I was smitten with Emma Thompson. She leapt from 99 to 25 in one week! And Cameron Diaz? In 1994, she went from off the list to number three, then plummeted in early 1997. The system is capricious! Cameron, for the record, currently resides at 35, right ahead of Connie Chung and right behind Colin Firth.

Happy Birthday!


P.S. Klum: Klum like plum or Klum like bloom?

Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla!

May 27, 1964 | Adam Carolla | TV dullard

Dear Carolla,

Good gravy, Carolla! You've done it. The stamp of Adam Carolla genius is all over the place. You've got the gig with Kimmel. You've got the "Loveline" radio show on MTV. You've got the residuals flying in from "The Man Show." Your wife tells me you're hung like a bear. I mean, what else is there left to accomplish? Perhaps there is a movie on the horizon? Should America hold its collective breath? Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to put aside $10 for your future, yet-to-be-written-or-released film. Other than that, you've done it all, big man.

Not bad for a nebbishy, annoying mouthbreather who rode Kimmel's coattails to success.

Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday, Tina Fey!

May 18, 1970 | Tina Fey | anchorwoman

Dear T,

Happy 34th Birthday!

Gosh, Tina, the thing I'm gonna miss most about "S.N.L." is our "Weekend Update" rehearsals together. Every week, you'd school me in current events, when I'd stroll in to 30 Rock, cutely six hours late, blissfully ignorant of world affairs, since I've never read a newspaper or watched any channel other than MTV or VH1 or M2 or VH1 Classic. I also like UPN. Oh, and NBC, because of our show. And Tracey Morgan's. Boy, I like TV. TV is awesome. I can't believe I just quit my job on TV. What was I thinking? Tina, where were you? How'd you let this happen? My goofy Adam Sandler-lite schtick ain't gonna cut it in the movies. Not no way, not no how. I'm doomed to Rob Schneider-esque cameos in Adam Sandler-esque movies. Oh god. I'm so upset I can't even change the lyrics to a Top 40 hit and strum along on my guitar. I like my guitar. And ice cream. Ice cream's good.

Jimmy Fallon

I also like Britney Spears's boobies.

Happy Birthday, Bob Saget!

May 17, 1956 | Bob Saget | father figure

Dear Bob,

Happy 48th Birthday!

It's been too long since we've hung out, Bobby. I know you're a busy man, what with work and family, etc., and I've been pretty busy too--my career as an advertising spokesman is really heating up, and I've been practicing the drums a lot lately, because I read on message boards that the Boys are talking about a possible reunion tour the summer after next, so, you know, busy busy busy at Camp Stamos!

Rebecca's been staying at her, uh, grandmother's house the past couple of weeks--she needed to unwind, you know? But, still, I've been really busy. This weekend, though, I'll tell you: I had a nice quiet relaxing couple of days, for once. Made myself some Dinty Moore and watched Mary-Kate and Ashley on "S.N.L." Hey, are you going to their 18th Birthday party next month? I never got an invitation.

Anyway, all's peachy at Casa de Stamos, Bob. I hope I see you soon. Happy Birthday, buckaroo!

John Stamos

Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall!

May 10, 1930 | Pat Summerall | organ grinder

Dear Pat,

It must be a really happy birthday for you. I heard you got a new liver, which is cool. I, too, am the recent recipient of an organ transplant. I just got a new colon. I think it's broken though. Every time I eat anything, I have to go to the bathroom about 5 hours later.

Anyway, I hope you have a great birthday. Maybe kick back a few beers, break in the new liver.


Happy Birthday, I. M. Pei!

April 26, 1917 | I.M. Pei | architect

Dear I. M.,

Happy 87th Birthday! I.M., I have an awkward request: For the last twenty-nine years, I've been calculating pi (p) to eight-hundred-million places. I'm finally tired of it, so I've stopped. The last digit is a 4. Anyway, these days I'm writing my autobiography, which is about 13 pages of prose and 952 pages of pi's digits. Its title is I Am p. By now you must realize I'm writing to ask if you'd do me the honor of writing the introduction to my book. Don't you think that'd be neat?

Thanks in advance.

Your pal,

Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare!

April 23, 1564 | William Shakespeare; | bard

Dear Will,

Happy 440th Birthday! Will, I'd like to thank you for writing The Taming of the Shrew. I've never read it, but I understand it was the springboard for the hit 1999 teen romantic comedy, 10 Things I Hate About You. That movie so rocked. And it provided the roles that propelled both Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger to big-time superstardom. It even garnered them each an MTV Movie Award nomination (Best Musical Performance, Heath, and Breakthrough Female Performance, Julia (she won!)). All because of you, Bill! Aren't you proud of yourself? Not bad for 440 years old!

Man, I love Julia Stiles.

Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae!

April 22, 1926 | Charlotte Rae | den mother

My sweet Charlotte,

Sometimes I dream where all the people dance. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Sometimes. Sometimes I dream the sounds all stay the same. Sometimes I’m dreaming there are so many different names. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Some times.

Robert Smith

Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra!

April 20, 1972 | Carmen Electra | TV bride

Dear Carm,

Lady, you and your ghoulish groom are really creeping me out. Please stop being freaky on my television. I don't like having to wash the TV set every night.

Thank you.


Happy Birthday, Suge Knight!

April 19, 1965 | Marion “Suge” Knight | hip hopper

Dear Suge,

Can you believe that until my grandmother recently corrected me, I'd been mispronouncing your name as its spelling suggests: "Sooge." You see, I'm not "down" with the "hip-hop" community, and I don't watch the MTV, or go to hot Hollywood parties, or know any black people, or any music fans, so I'd only previously come across your name in print, (most often in the psych-ward dayroom's back issues of Entertainment Weekly). How was I supposed to know "Suge" is a contraction of "Meshugenah"?

Gee whiz.

Happy birthday!


Happy Birthday, Pete Rose!

April 14, 1941 | Pete Rose | hustler

Dear Pete,

First, you say you didn't bet on baseball. Then, you say you bet on baseball but not your team. Now you say you bet on baseball but never against your team. I only have one question for you: Why not? Those were the only games over which you had any influence on the outcome. If you really wanted to win money, all you had to do was tank the games!

Jeez, I thought I was stupid.

Happy birthday.


Happy Birthday, Gabe Kaplan!

March 31, 1946 | Gabe Kaplan | TV teacher

Dear Mr. Kot-tah,

Happy 58th Birthday! Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. I know there's more words to that song, but I'll be damned if I know them. It's a darn catchy tune, though. I can sing it all day! Welcome back, welcome back, etc.

Ray Stillman

P.S. I think you're cooler than Gene Shalit!

Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering!

March 30, 1964 | Ian Ziering | actor

Dear Ian Z,

Happy happy birthday birthday. Ian Zing Zing, I can't believe you're 40 today! Just like that—Poof! It seems like just yesterday you were in high school. Whatever happened after you graduated? Did you stick around in your old ’hood, or did you branch out? I haven't heard much from you and would love to get the lowdown on the down-low "90210" character. I'm overwhelmed, so many things to say to you, Z. Ian Zehring. Fun name you have there. I don't know if you're tweaked by it, but I still can't get over how you were the least notable character on "90210"; even David got more play than you in the end. You were the one who drove the Corvette, Steve, you! Did you ever get the sneaking suspicion that they were using you for your ’vette? You had the cash money rollin'. I think they were all jealous, but you know how high school is: Look at me, I'm Brandon, I need to work at the Peach Pit to earn my car. Get lost, Brando! And then there's Dylan, the low talker. He had to be all mysterious-like because he didn't have the goods. But you, Steve, you laid it out. The tight curly hair, a blond MC Serch, the ’vette-driving, obnoxious, ignorant prick. You were the man! You were more like any kid in high school than those other "90210" clowns. You kept it real! Don't get me wrong, you probably would have beaten me up in high school, but I felt you, man. You were acting! Whoo, hot stuff. I hope to see you at the 20-year reunion.

Keep the curls tight.

90210 + 1,
Nick Jezarian

P.S. It's Donna D'Erico's birthday today too. I think she's a little down on her luck also. Maybe you should swing that *ahem* ’vette on by, if you get me.

Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker!

March 25, 1969 | Sarah Jessica Parker | actress

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

Happy birthday, you sinewy sex kitten, you. You're so thin and you're 39. I'm a little bit frightened to see what happens when you get older and your body starts to atrophy: Sarah Jessica where-the-hell-did-that-skinny-sex-starved-bizotch-go Parker. It'll be a good schtick though; with that mop on your gourd, you'll look like Cousin It moping around all osteoporosis-like. And I'll be a monkey's bum if they don't tap you to play the healer's wife in the remake of The Princess Bride alongside Gilbert Gottfried. Have fun stohmming the caaastle. I'm not really a fan of your work, maybe seasons 1 and 2 of "Sex and the City", but after that, I learned all I needed to know about women so I stopped watching. Also, you were in an awful Bruce Willis movie once I think, right?

Ah, who gives a rat's ass, you're 39. Whoop it up, Parker, Jessica Sarah! Any big plans? Is Matty Broderick going to dance a little number for you? Tell that boy to get back into the movies, will ya? I made you a birthday cake, but your security wouldn't let it through. It reminded me of that episode of "Diff'rent Strokes" when Arnold made the cake for Michael Jackson and they hosed it down and ruined it because they thought it was a bomb. The cake I made was cool-ass too, it had a picture of a woman with her legs over her head and it read, "Happy Jessica Sarah Day Porker, I'm heels-over-head for you".

Say hi to the girls for me.

Sexy in the city,
Nick Jezarian

Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda!

February 24, 1921 | Abe Vigoda | Tessio

Dear Fish,

Happy Birthday, you decrepit old codger! 83 years and not dead yet! Nosiree, Bob! All alive and accounted for here! Vigoda = not dead! Sure, you may look and smell like a week-old ham hock, but you are 100% still among the living. Abe, alive. Vigoda, vital. Yes, you resemble Mumm-Ra the Everliving's grampa, but you are a bona-fide unexpired mortal. Able Abe. Living, breathing, non-corpse.

Just do us all a favor and blink or wink or drool or tremble once every hour or so, O.K.? Because sometimes, I'm pretty sure you're weekending at Bernie's. And the fact that you're oftentimes slumped on Jonathan Silverman's shoulder doesn't really help matters.

Happy 83rd, ya old coot. May your birthday be chockful of hookers and blow.

Josh Abraham

Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!

February 20, 1963 | Charles Barkley | B-baller

Dear Charles,

The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were as fat and jolly as you, we'd be running around in a world of racist Santa Claus look-alikes. Joy to the world then, eh, round mound?

I hope you get another double-breasted suit for your birthday. They really are flattering. The pretty sharkskin one you wore the other day, baking in the studio lights, made you look like a bulging, rebounding sausage in a shiny, blue intestinal wrap.

You're my favorite rebounder ever, and living proof why the state of Alabama needs to beef up their sex-education program.

Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton!

February 17, 1981 | Paris Hilton | omnipresent heiress

Dear Paris,

In just a few months, all of America watched you engage in coitus & cellular telecommunication; you've made an ass of yourself and got away scot-free on a reality TV show; you've proposed a retarded book for somebody to ghostwrite; you've slept with me thrice; you farted around the Super Bowl, Sundance, and Nick Carter; you stole a car by accident; you drove your sister to U.P.S. brown; and now you're whoring for Miss America. (Also, I think you showed up on that James Caan show.) Sweet Jesus, woman, can't you hold down a job? You're all over the place like an Asian virus. Slow down, you ubiquitous Muppet! Can't you quit badgering us with your soul-sucking vapidity for just a weekend, you threepenny floozy?

Happy Birthday!

Josh Abraham

P.S. Dug the cornrows.

Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel!

February 13, 1950 | Peter Gabriel | sledgehammer

Dear Peter,

Oooooooooh in your eyes! (The light, the heat!) Your eyes! (I am complete!) Your eyes! I see the doorways (your eyes) to a thousand churches (your eyes) ... etc.

You know, Cusack does that outside Ione Skye's window, and it's all romanitc. I do the same thing, and whammo! Restraining order. Yeah, that's fair.

Happy 54th Birthday!

Jeremy Piven

Happy Birthday, Judy Blume!

February 12, 1938 | Judy Blume | chick lit jr.

Judy, Judy, Judy!

Happy 66th Birthday! Judy, I reread T.O.A.F.G.N. every day. The scene where Fudge colors in the map that Peter worked so hard on makes me weep openly. It worries my boss that I'm so eager to cry over the fictional events of a fourth grader. I contend that the allegory holds true regardless of age. I am as much a fourth-grade nothing today as when I first read the book, in college. Thank you, Judy, for making me search my soul. I gotta go call my therapist. I think I just had a breakthrough.


Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos!

February 10, 1961 | George Stephanopoulos | guy behind the guy

Dear Georgie,

Happy 43rd Birthday! You did such good work with Clinton. You turned a ruddy-faced hick from Arkansas who got blowjobs on the side into a ruddy-faced President who got blowjobs on the side!

I heard you are married to that woman from the "Ali & Regis" show. Pretty good score for a short, stubby little dude like yourself. Tell me, how'd you do it? Magic bans? Merlin? Here's why I ask:

I'm a midget. (Not a dwarf; dwarves have oversized heads and I'm no big-headed freak, just short.) I have the hots for the girl with the club foot who works at the 7-Eleven. She's got the boot and everything. Do you have any advice for a smitten sprite? You're in P.R. Help me out here.

Geoff Wolinetz

Happy Birthday, J. M. Coetzee & JM J. Bullock!

February 9, 1940 | J. M. Coetzee | author
February 9, 1955 | JM J. Bullock | Monroe

Dear JM & J.M.,

Happy 49th & 64th Birthdays! Wow, my two favorite J-Ms both celebrating special days today! I don't know when J. M. Barrie was born, but I wish he were here to join in all the b-day fun! He'd get along great with you guys! He's a writer just like you are, J.M., and he likes little boys like you do, Monroe! Something for everybody! Hooray!

Happy Birthdays!

J. M. Abraham
(likes writing; not little boys)

Happy Birthday, Alice Cooper!

February 4, 1948 | Alice Cooper | Marilyn Manson prototype

Dear Alice,

Hey, Stoopid, happy 56th birthday. You're weird. Really strange, as if your mother was on a tobacco-smoking, pepto-drinking, punching-herself-in-the-stomach-while-she-was-pregnant-with-you weird. Weird. However, you shouldn't fret, my man, you still scare the hell out of me, but just in a different way. When I was a child, I used to be afraid you would sneak into my room and eat me. Now I'm scared that a long-haired Larry David look-alike is still wearing eye liner and leather pants at age 56. Sick things, I tell you. Who am I to judge, though? I guess I got Another Thing Comin' right? Or is that a song of your arch-nemesis, Judas. (He's really not a Priest for the record) Now that schoooooooool's out for summmmmmmmmmer, I can't remember who sings what. Anyway, after I pass along these birthday wishes to you, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Rock on, psycho.

Love dearly,

Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis!

February 3, 1994 | Tallulah Belle Willis | demitasse

Dear Tallulah,

Happy 10th birthday! Ten years old! I hope you're not getting too old for bedtime stories! Because I can't sleep if you don't read to me.

Hey, I'm sorry I covered your eyes during halftime, but you were still only nine years old then, and that's just too young. Heck, I was twelve before the first time I saw a black lady's boobies.


P.S. Could you read to me tonight? Scout's got a sleepover.

Happy Birthday, Christie Brinkley

February 2, 1954 | Christie Brinkley | uptown girl

Dear Christie,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sooooo sorry. Please take me back. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Pleeeeeeeeeeease.

Billy Joel

Happy Birthday, Big Boi

February 1, 1975 | Big Boi | OutK of Outkast

Dear Big Boi,

29 years old? Who's a big boy now?

Happy birthday!

Hey ya,
Yankee Pot Roast

P.S. I like the way you move.
P.P.S. Not in that way.

Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck!

January 29, 1954 | Oprah Winfrey | talk-show host
January 29, 1945 | Tom Selleck | almost Indy

Dear Oprah & Magnum,

Happy 50th & 59th Birthdays!

Seriously, you guys have my two favorite moustaches in Hollywood.

Happy birthday!

Best wishes,

Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood!

January 28, 1981 | Elijah Wood | hobbit

Dear Frodo,

Happy 23rd birthday!

Wow, how ’bout that ending to Return of the King, eh? That was really something, the way we pranced about the bedsheets in slo-mo. Good times, man, good times. And remember on the mountainside when you thought stinky Golem was trying to steal the One Ring from under your shirt while you slept? Ha, that was just me copping a feel. I TiVoed last night's Bravo, if you want to come over later and watch. I made s'mores!

Happy birthday, my precious.


P.S. Also, remember that one night in summer camp? Ah, memories.

Happy Birthday, Paul Newman!

January 26, 1925 | Paul Newman | legend

Dear Butch,

You can keep your tomato sauce, salad dressing, and popcorn. I got a film festival and a cable channel, sucker.


Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!

January 21, 1941 | Plácido Domingo | tenor

Dear Plácido,

You think you're old? Y.P.R. is dead! You fat bastard, look what you've done.

Happy Birthday,
Geoff Wolinetz

Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!

January 16, 1974 | Kate Moss | model

Dear Katie,

Happy 30th birthday! Kate Moss, Kate Moss, Kate ... Moss ... I got nothing. Were this, say, 1995-ish, I'd have made some waify jokes or something, but lately you seem to have filled out a bit, reaching almost healthy proportions, and I think the waif well has been tapped dry, anyway. I will say that you make me think of Moss-Man, this retarded swamp creature from "Masters of the Universe." My brother had the Moss-Man toy and it was covered in icky, nappy, green mung and it stunk like sweaty dog. Hey, what's pete moss, anyway?


Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles!

January 15, 1957 | Mario Van Peebles | actor

Dear M.V.P.,

Happy 47th birthday! I get your dad, Melvin Van Peebles, mixed up with Martin Van Buren all the time, and they kicked me out of the Geography club because of that. My dog's name is Peebles. I saw two ladies kissing on the bus. Vanilla makes me sneeze.


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