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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Happy Birthday, Casey Affleck!

Dear Casey,

Happy 28th Birthday!

O.K., Case, you’re 28 now. Stop trying to be like me. You’re palling around with Matt Dillon, you’re engaged to Linda Lopez, you’ve got that drinking/pill-poppin’ problem … I know you want to play comic-book superhero Swamp Thing in a movie … and you keep talking about that “Project Greenlight” rip-off for Cinemax where you produce a soft-core adult film based on some lucky schmuck’s crappy script. Case, stop trying to be me, Ben. Be Casey. Make Mom and Pop proud of you. They’ve already got one Oscar-winning son. We all thought you’d become a garbage man or a gym teacher or something. Not another actor.

Happy Birthday, kiddo.

Your big bro,

P.S. Jennifer says you can’t come over our house anymore until you buy new sneakers. Those things are disgusting.