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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Please Be Allowing Me to Tell You About My Kiosk, Which Sells 'Weird Al' Yankovic Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes!

by Kathy Salerno

Hello, and welcome to my kiosk at the Spring Valley Mall! It is called WACKY! WACKY is an anagram of word for “Weird Al Caftans, Kilts, and Yarmulkes!” This is because I sell caftans, kilts, and yarmulkes applied with the heartwarming face of one of America ’s greatest heroes, Mr. “Weird Al” Yankovic. Let me tell you why you should take some time out of your day to make a purchase at my kiosk!

For the first of all, when I came to this country from Romania 1984, one of the first songs I heard was “Eat It” by Mr. Weird himself! I could not believe it! In my country, to poke fun of a public figure like Mikhail Jackson is to be not long for this world! But Mr. Weird made it all in good fun. And what fun it was! For me, it was joyous, and only a glimpse of what was to be coming from this great master of American artistry.

I remember the first time I listened to “Fat” just as I remember the birth of my son! That is what a merrymaking time it was, that I remember it as I remember the coming of my first-born! In fact, when I heard the song “Bad,” I just knew a sparkling humor gem from Mr. Weird was soon to be coming just around the corner. Now, the memories of my old life are long behind me, pushed away by the huge talent of “Weird Al!” Like him, I am a chameleon, and I am here to inspire mirth in those whose paths cross with that of my humble kiosk!

Mr. Al Yankovic (or, “The Weird One,” as I have at times heard him called) represents something that is uniquely American, I think. He represents the freedom to be oneself; to “Dare to Be Stupid,” so to speak! But he is not stupid! He is relaxed and unafraid! That is why I feel that there is a need to express praise for him by wearing various garments that have a good quality screen printing of “Weird Al’s” happy and familiar visage on them!

Additionally, is it not an honor to oneself not just to wear those garments that are special to one’s culture or religion, but also to express a sense of fun, and thirdly, to honor Mr. Weird? Caftans are nice for a lady who wants also to thoroughly cover her mortal coil in “Weird Al” hilarity! A kilt is a grand item for a Scotchperson, but a kilt with “Weird Al” Yankovic’s face on it, the size of a compact disc, grinning with freedom? That is a special thing, to be sure! I am told that these proud Scotchmen are not expected to wear undergarments with kilts. Of this, I must say, I don’t approve, for two reasons: it is insulting to the funny-master “Weird Al” Yankovic, and no one will want to see what is under a kilt with a grinning Mr. Weird on it! That would obscure his hilarious face! Of these things, I am sure! Finally, the Jews are a people known far and wide for their great and deep wells of humorous sense. Why not let your yarmulke tell the tale of your joking nature before you even open your mouth, Jew?

What of the garments, you ask? I do not sell caftans, kilts, and yarmulkes just for the anagram “WACKY!” That would be silly! If it were true (that I did it for the anagram “WACKY”), then why would I also sell American flags with 50 of “Weird Al’s” faces instead of 50 stars in addition to my other merchandise? That would not make for a very nice anagram, would it? WACKYAF? That is just silly! I do not tell of the flag because it is a delicious surprise for the customer, like one who buys Mr. Weird’s 1983 self-titled album to listen to “Another One Rides the Bus” and then discovers, quite unexpectedly, the wonder of “My Bologna!” And this sense of discovery is also quite American! I sell all of these things, most specifically the flag, because “Weird Al” is America ! So, why not say so in the way of 50 of his faces on this country’s flag! This is to me, most holy, I tell you.

With all of this information and all of these numerous reasons to buy, why would you not purchase a caftan, kilt, or yarmulke at my WACKY kiosk? It is what Al would do! That reminds me, I am almost forgetting to tell you! A new shipment arrives tomorrow of T-shirts bearing the slogan “WWWAD?” which those of you who worship Jesus Christ will recognize is a very “Weird Al”-styled parody of the popular speaking, “What Would Jesus Do,” or foreshortened, “WWJD!” I’ll tell you what Jesus would do! He would buy his yarmulke from me and worship thusly the incredible Mr. Weird, to whom I am forever indebted for my good success in this amazing country! But, you see, that would be too much to write on a T-shirt!

Kathy Salerno is a product of the town of Eastchester, impossibly located in the county of Westchester, N.Y. She has twin interests (which is not surprising, since she herself is an identical twin): speech-language pathology and writing things for people to enjoy. She hopes to becomes better at doing and juggling both of these things (and also juggling, generally). In her spare time, she acquires advanced degrees.