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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, August 5, 2003

Happy Birthday, Jonathan Silverman!

Dear Silverman,

O.K., when you were a kid you were in Brighton Beach Memoirs. It was a good performance. You had that “Single Guy” show for a while, which wasn’t bad either, but that was mostly because of Ernest Borgnine. I’m telling you, Silverman, that guy has the Midas touch. Everything he touches turns to gold. Do you think he looks a little like a bulldog? I think he does. I mean, he’s got those spaces in his teeth but his jowls sort of hang there. Have you ever seen Airwolf? It’s bloody brilliant. The man is 86 years old and he could act circles around you, which brings me to my point: What the hell happened to your career? I’m looking at your recent résumé and the only movie I recognize is that piece of shit Made and you didn’t even have a notable role! Unless you consider “Bachelor” a notable role. You may; I don’t know you that well.

Anyway, get your ass in gear. You are 37 years old, for Christ’s sake, which reminds me …

Happy Birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz