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Wednesday, December 17, 2003   |    Birthday Cards to Celebrities

Safire, William; Ribisi, Giovanni; Farrelly, Peter; Pullman, Bill; Jovovich, Milla; Guccione, Bob

December 17, 1929 | William Safire | cunning linguist
December 17, 1974 | Giovanni Ribisi | weird actor
December 17, 1956 | Peter Farrelly | crap director
December 17, 1953 | Bill Pullman | forgettable actor
December 17, 1975 | Milla Jovovich | sexy, sexy actress
December 17, 1930 | Bob Guccione | smut peddler

Dear everybody,

Happy various birthdays!

William: I can’t make heads or tails of this: “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, And they’re like, ‘It’s better than yours.’” What the—?!? I know what all of the words mean, and I think the grammar is all pretty much O.K., but I’m totally baffled here. A little help, brother. Thanks.

Giovanni: I swear, until very recently I honestly thought you were retarded. I understand now that you’re not, you were just acting.

Peter: Jeepers, is it so hard to be funny? I’m getting tired of you and your no-good brother. I think he may be holding you back. Ditch him. Just because the Coen, Zucker, Washowski, Weitz, Hughes, and Wayans Brotherses make good tag-team directorial yin-yangs, it doesn’t mean you can’t Cain your Abel (or maybe the other way around; I don’t know).

Bill: I’m sorry, but I always get you mixed up with that other boring actor, Bill Pushman.

Milla: Mmmmm.

Bob: Repenthouse.

Happy Birthdays!