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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, May 6, 2003

Happy Birthday, George Clooney!

Dear Mr. Clooney,

Happy 42nd!

I understand that your aunt is the fabulous Miss Rosemary Clooney. I have been a fan of hers for years! To be honest, I’d never even heard of you until I saw you on this talk show, um, “Rangis and Carly” or something like that, and you mentioned that she was your aunt. How wonderful! Listen, could you do me a favor? I would die if you could send me a lock of her hair for my scrapbook. It’s the only thing missing and I’m really anxious to finish it up because I’m falling behind on my Céline Dion scrapbook. She is divine! Thanks for anything you can do for me.

Happy birthday!

Geoff Wolinetz

P.S. Why were you on the “Rangis and Carly” show anyway? Did you write a book about your aunt or something?