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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Friday, June 13, 2003

Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley!

Dear M-K & A,

Happy 17th birthday! Man alive, 17 years old already? It seems like just yesterday you tykes were spitting up baby drool on Uncle Jesse, and now look at you: billionaire jailbait! The cherubic objects of gold-digging, cradle-robbing fantasies of men and boys alike!

Well, on this, your Big 17th, I’m sure you two are gonna party like it’s 1999, which you kids are too young to remember. Also, today marks a countdown until your inevitable Maxim photo-shoot. We’d like to be the first to wish you luck on that.

Further down the line, good luck, Ashley, with your eventual slip into soft-core Skinamax B-movie roles, your brief pill addiction, your stay at the clinic/spa for “exhaustion,” your disastrous week-long marriage to a Culkin, your painful tattoo removal procedure, your Playboy shoot, your shoplifting trial, your ghost-written tell-all autobiography, and, finally, your big comeback as a special guest star playing “Mother-in-Law” on a prime-time sitcom.

Mary-Kate, congratulations and good luck with your People’s Choice Award, your fling with Colin Farrell, your three Oscar snubs, your marriage to a Stroke, your two sons, Dakota and Madison, and, finally, your decision to retire from acting at age 29 to spend more time with your kids on your New Zealand cattle ranch, while penning award-winning mysteries and children’s books.

Happy 17th birthday, Mary-Kate and Ashley! We’ll see you in 364 …

Best wishes,
Josh, Nick, & Geoff
On behalf of all healthy, adult, heterosexual American males