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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, September 29, 2003
Fall Premiere Week

Premières You May Have Missed

The FOX News Comedy Hour
Each week, a guest host will burn effigies of noted liberals, interspersed with stock footage of flags waving, armies marching, bombs sailing and the Third Reich goose-stepping. It’s a laugh riot!

In this FX spinoff, we follow a moyel as he prepares to ritually circumcise eight-day old Jewish boys. But, uh oh, he’s got shaky hands from all that pills and booze! Starring Ed O’Neill as “Rebbe.”

Family Jewels
An wholesome drama for the people who brought you “Once and Again.” A suburban family works through their issues and spews out a trite clichés every ten minutes. At the end of each episode, one character gets ferociously kicked in the balls. Harry Hamlin stars.

Joe Mama!
In this UPN sitcom, a conservative black lawyer and a white disc jockey working at an “urban” radio station are hilariously thrown together in a situation where they inexplicably have to live together. Uh-oh! Did somebody say edgy? We did!

Fox’s blatant rip-off of NBC’s rip-off of a British show that rips off “Friends.” It’s sexy times three!

Danks for the Memories
In this UPN sitcom, two burnouts sit on their couch and play Sega Genesis all day, pausing for four hours to look for a Chinese take-out menu Starring Ashton Kutcher and a Wayans brother.

I Ate What?
The new reality show from ABC that proves putting something in your mouth may not be the smartest thing to do. In the first episode, two contestants get dysentery with hilarious results.

El Bachelor
Telemundo jumps head-first into the reality programming game with this new television show, where a lucky stud will be shoved into a giant piñata and 50 blindfolded, desperate women will whack him with a stick till he falls out and marries one of them. Hosted by Charo. ¡Olé!

George Lopez and Luis Guzmán are two guys trying to cross the Mexican border, but they keep getting pulled over by racist California Highway Patrolmen who suspect them of being drug mules. It’s funny and edgy!

I’m with Shalit
A young comedian accompanies film critic Gene Shalit on wacky misadventures. The guy’s got to get extra butter for Gene’s popcorn, and he’s got to apply wax to his moustache. Chaos!

MTV’s Real World / Road Rules / Fraternity Life / Newlyweds / Sorority Life / Osbournes Pit Fight
In this hot new reality show, all sorts of REAL people are drugged, thrown in burlap sacks, beaten with broomsticks, juiced up on steroids, and released into a dog pit to fight to the death. In the first episode, that Mormon chick gets her top ripped off by the militant black guy. Plus: Jessica Simpson asks, “How come horses need shoes?”

Follow the lives of five first-years as they struggle to keep up with the rigors of medical school during the day and crime-fighting at night. We have everyone represented here: there’s an angry black guy, an sexy Asian chick, a sexy white woman, a funny Latino guy and non-Caucasian white dude. Seriously. And they solve crimes. No ones watching on Saturday night anyway, right?

Chesty Lawyer Girl, Attorney-at-Law
In this feel-good family drama, Courtney Thorne-Smith plays an Erin Brockovichesque do-gooder, righting wrongs for the little guy, and wearing a bustier a size too small. Watch out, she’s sassy!

Everyone’s favorite little loser, “Saved By The Bell”’s Dustin Diamond (a.k.a. Screech) tries his hand at a starring role in his very own sitcom. Veteran character actor Paul Dooley joins the cast as the irascible but lovable “Dad.” Think Dan Hedaya from Clueless meets Jerry Stiller from “The King of Queens.”

Is This Love? Well, Is It?
Well, is it? Watch this hot new sitcom where a man and a woman take turns pursuing each other before finally realizing that love was right in front of them the whole time. No pressure from their friends though (wink, wink). Mindy Cohn stars as “Natalie,” the lovable buttinsky.