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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems

by Brian Beatty


Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous

There should be
help for people
who drink to forget

their names.

*     *     *

Worst Beach Read Ever

The problem I’ve got
with the phone book?

Too many characters,
not enough plot.

*     *     *

Lucky Me

I always score
on blind dates.

What can I say?

Service dogs
think I’m sexy.

*     *     *


I would be surprised
if my teeth actually
held shit together.

*     *     *

Banjo Lessons 1–3

1.) If you do the crime,
you have to do the time.

2.) Tune it, motherfucker.

3.) Lists are often jokes.

*     *     *

Romantic Poem

Unlike most guys,
I respect women
for their bodies.

*     *     *

Evenings & Weekends

No need to get into
all the gory details here.

Let’s just say that I don’t
babysit anymore.

*     *     *

Flea Market

It was the smallest tent
of novelty T-shirts
I’d ever seen.

*     *     *

Our First Priority Should Be Educating the Children (Not Animal Testing)

Some poets force poor,
defenseless laboratory
bunnies to laugh until
they cry. But not me—

because I don’t think
there’s anything funny
about a rabbit in a cage
after its mascara has run.

Brian Beatty works and plays in Minneapolis, Minnesota. That's not as easy as it sounds.