American Standard The Movie
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by Dale Dobson

My boyfriend Hugh doesn’t like serving dinner for heads of state. Catering for a large group is a difficult job, even without government officials nosing around in your kitchen, and every time Hugh caught my eye he gave me a…

Back from the Dead and Desperate for Cash, Charles Bukowski Tries to Write a Chick Lit Novel

by David Waters

Polish Fact

Presidents of the Republic of Poland (since 1989)
Wojciech Jaruzelski (January 1, 1990 - December 21, 1990)
Lech Wałęsa (December 22, 1990 - December 23, 1995)
Aleksander Kwaśniewski (since December 23, 1995)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Was ist im Leben am besten? Ihre Feinde zerquetschen, sie sehen, gefahren vor Ihnen und die Wehklage der Frauen hören!
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

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Literary Mockery
Thursday, August 31, 2006   |    How To

Quiz: Are You Curious?

by Jason Roeder

As a child, you were naturally inquisitive. You might’ve shaken your Christmas presents or probed an electric socket with a barrette. As you entered adolescence, maybe you sampled chewing tobacco, tried on the undergarments of an opposite-gendered parent, or ran a gauntlet of bicycle chains so the Crips would embrace you. As you entered adulthood, however, your wide eyes began to narrow. New information no longer seemed to matter as much, and the world out there could safely be ignored, or at most TiVoed and skimmed when routine allowed.

But where do you stand now?

1. One lazy Sunday afternoon, a man you’ve never met before arrives at your front door and claims to be your real father. What do you say to him?

a. “What?! This is crazy! Are you joking? You’ve got some explaining to do!”
b. “O.K., I’ll be your kid—for now. I may want to ask you about this down the line.”
c. “Whatever. Just tell me what my new last name and inherited health risks are.”

2. Your phone bill is much, much higher than usual. What is your reaction?

a. “Something doesn’t seem right here. I’m going to inspect my statement carefully and start asking some questions.”
b. “Well, I kinda wish I knew what a Spork Accessibility Fee or a Hulkamania Surcharge was, but I guess it’s not my job to know, right?”
c. “Eh, I probably called Mars.”

3. It’s late at night, and there’s a ruckus downstairs. What do you do?

a. Quietly get out of bed, grab a flashlight and a baseball bat, and tiptoe onto the landing to get a better look.
b. Sit up in bed. Listen for a very obvious sign of trouble such as a pirate chantey. Call out a “Hello?” that gets devoured in your yard. Don’t bother to try twice.
c. Although it’s not raining out, just pretend it’s thunder that said, “Two hands with the stereo, dumbass! Two hands!”

4. “Hello. I’m calling with your test results.”

a. “Oh God, this is it. I haven’t slept in three weeks. Okay, doc, break the news to me.”
b. “Great, great. Listen, could you just e-mail those when you get a quick sec? I’m actually on the other line with some guy who’s got the wrong number.”
c. “I don’t know, just give them to charity.”

5. Just before bed, your spouse tells you that she has a secret to reveal, something involving herself, sex, one of your brothers, emptying your bank account, and framing you for a warehouse fire. What do you say?

a. “My God! Don’t just sit there, spill it!”
b. “Boy, that sounds like a lot of info. Could you just give me, like, an executive summary or something?”
c. “Honey, Jimmy Kimmel’s trying to do his monologue, okay?”

6. Aliens have landed on your street.

a. “Aliens! What do they want?”
b. “Aliens. What do they want, a medal?”
c. “Wake me when the probing begins in earnest.”

7. You’re waiting at the bus stop. A man in a bunny suit staggers toward you and collapses at your feet. Crossbow bolts are lodged in his back, and with his last, blood-flecked breath he presents you with a package that has your name on it. What do you do?

a. Gasp. Wait for the shock to subside, then cautiously open the package for which this man/animal has surrendered his life.
b. Shrug. Open the package once you’ve finished reading the newspaper’s list of celebrity birthdays.
c. Yawn. Nudge the box with the tip of your shoe. If it somehow doesn’t feel like anything good or whatever, toss it.

8. “Would you like to play 20 Questions?”

a. “Love to! Animal, vegetable, or mineral?”
b. “Is it an octopus? Either way, I’m done guessing.”
c. “Hey quizmaster, how about you just go fuck yourself?”

Your Curiosity Quotient revealed: Give yourself two points for each ‘a’ response, one point for each ‘b,’ and zero points for each ‘c.’

Super Sleuth: You probably spend a dozen hours a week in your neighbors’ garbage.
Gossip Monger: There is no coworker tragedy not worth knowing or disseminating or exacerbating.
Infophobe: All you really need to know you’ve avoided since kindergarten.
Fundamentalist or Rock: You’re a lot like a fundamentalist or a rock.

Jason Roeder just bought two kinds of charcoal for a continuing-education drawing class because he's had it with words and hopes to instead spend his time sketching nectarines with convincing, dynamic texture. In his previous, verbal life, his humor writing appeared online at Salon, McSweeney's, Opium Magazine, Fascimilation,, and Haypenny.