Friday, January 9, 2004

How To
Tighter Abs in Six Weeks

Use the Ab Cruncher 3000 Three Times a Week
and See a Whole New You!

Week 1, Day 1

My Ab Cruncher 3000 came today. Sandy says you’re supposed to keep a diary and write down exactly how many crunches you do a day. Sandy lives next door and recently lost 50 pounds. She thinks Paul Winston, who’s 41 years old and lives across the street with his mother, is going to be attracted to her now. Sandy needs to have her head examined.

I thought my Ab Cruncher was going to arrive yesterday, which would have been great because Colin was home and could have put the darn thing together. I tried to do it myself but can’t tell which pole is A and which is D. They should mark these things.

Week 1, Day 2

Colin promised he would try to come home early from work today and assemble my Ab Cruncher 3000. Sandy thinks I should demand that Colin spend more time at home. I told her he’s a foreman for god’s sake, and has to work when he has to work.

Sandy has her own version of reality. She thinks Paul Winston is going to want to go out with her. Look at the way he walks, I tell her. You’re not his type.

Week 1, Day 3

Ab Cruncher 3000 still in pieces on the floor. Colin had to work late again yesterday. Sandy said no one has to work late that often, honey. I said just because he wasn’t in his office when I called doesn’t mean he’s fooling around. He’s a foreman. He doesn’t just sit at his desk all day. He has responsibilities.

I think it drives Sandy crazy that I have a good marriage and she could never make hers work.

Week 2, Day 1

My Ab Cruncher 3000 is together! I couldn’t really get the hang of it, though, and only did three crunches today. Sandy says she did fifty. I’m not sure I believe her. She also said Paul Winston was flirting with her when she stopped by his florist shop yesterday. He was probably just trying to get her to buy a more expensive arrangement.

Week 2, Day 2

I did it! I got on the Ab Cruncher this morning and did 157 crunches before Colin even woke up! Colin says he’s real proud of me, and thinks I’ll be skinny in no time.

I got on the scale after he left and saw that I gained three pounds. I threw away the leftover cake and the Fritos. I’ll weigh myself again next week.

Week 2, Day 3

Too sore to get back on the Ab Cruncher 3000 today. Will try again tomorrow.

Colin worked late again last night and I wound up eating a whole chicken myself. Sandy says that’s not bad because it’s protein.

Week 3, Day 1

Sandy claims Paul asked her out on a date. They’re going bowling on Friday. I said watch the way he throws the ball. If his back leg goes up, you’ll know.

I did 17 crunches today and feel great!

Week 3, Day 2

I got on the scale today and gained another pound. If Colin would come for dinner more often I know I wouldn’t eat as much. But I think I’m getting my period and likely it’s just water weight.

Too crampy to do crunches today.

Week 3, Day 3

Sandy had her date with Paul last night. She said he didn’t kiss her good-night and I said, see? And she said I should pay more attention to my own relationship. And I said what is that supposed to mean? And she said I should take my head out of the sand is what it means.

I did 35 crunches today even though I have my period.

Week 4, Day 1

Colin came home late again last night, so I called Sandy to see if she wanted to come over for dinner. She said she was going out with Paul again. I said why didn’t she tell me? She said if she thought I would be happy for her she would have told me. I said how could I be happy for her when she was barking up the wrong tree? She said I should worry more about what tree Colin is barking up. I said, does she know something I don’t? She said I should keep my eyes open is all.

I didn’t eat any dinner last night. Today I did 50 crunches, I think. I lost count.

Week 4, Day 2

Lost two pounds! I called Colin at the office and asked if he could come home early so we could celebrate. He said of course. I’m going to take a shower before he gets here, just in case. It’s been a while for us.

I called Sandy and told her about Colin. She said sometimes men act really nice to their wives when they’re feeling guilty. I said what does she know about making a marriage work?

I did 78 crunches today.

Week 4, Day 3

Colin brought me flowers last night, which was awfully sweet. I asked him did he get them from Paul’s shop and did he think Paul could possibly be interested in Sandy. He said Paul is as queer as a three-dollar bill.

I thought maybe Colin would want to have sex last night since we had such a nice dinner together and he didn’t have to get up early the next day, but he was too tired.

I did 22 crunches today.

Week 5, day 1

Sandy called to say she slept with Paul last night. I wanted to ask did he do it from behind, but I didn’t have the nerve. I just said great, I guess he’s not gay then. And she said no, he is definitely not. I told her Colin brought me flowers, and she said okay, honey, but be smart.

She’s very suspicious, that Sandy. If she were still married, she’d probably think it would mean something if her husband sometimes stopped for a drink on his way home from work.

I think my Ab Cruncher 3000 might be broken. I couldn’t get it adjusted right today.

Week 5, Day 2

Ab Cruncher still not working. I called the 800 number but got put on hold for twenty minutes and finally hung up. Nibbled away almost a whole pound of cheese while I waited.

Sandy called to ask if she could come over, she has something to tell me. If she and Paul are getting engaged or something I will laugh my head off. Anyway, Colin is working late again tonight so I told her fine, come over if you like.

Week 5, Day 3

Everything I said about Sandy is right. She is so suspicious; it could ruin a woman’s life if she’d let it. Just because she saw Colin talking to some big-assed blonde in a bar near the factory doesn’t mean he’s having an affair. I asked Colin about it when he got home and he said she was just one of the girls from the back office who was asking questions about work. And when I asked how come he was at a bar when he said he was working late, he said he did work late and just stopped at the bar for a quick pop.

Called the 800 number again for the Ab Cruncher 3000 and held on all morning while I made the beds and did the laundry. Hung up when my neck started to hurt and ate three slices of cold pizza.

Week 6, Day 1

Sandy called today to say she never uses her Ab Cruncher 3000 anymore and did I want hers since mine is broken. I said why would I want something from someone who is hell-bent on causing trouble in my life? Sandy said honey, I’m just looking out for your best interests, that’s what friends are for. And I said with friends like that, and hung up the phone.

I called the 800 number right away and am still on hold. I’m not hanging up this time.

Like Yankee Pot Roast, Ellen Meister endorses the value of a SUNY education, and thinks she may have sat next to Y.P.R. in an American Lit class, though it could have been some other cooked meat. Her work has appeared in Pindeldyboz, Amarillo Bay and Haypenny, and will soon appear in SmokeLong Quarterly, Word Riot, and Light. Ellen Meister believes in love and does not take kindly to being ignored.

Who's the Pop Diva Queen Now, Bitch? Hey, whassup whassup, everybody! Xtina here and I want y’all to meet somebody special. This is Raul and ~ he is beau-ti-ful, no matter what they say ... ~ He’s a dishwasher I met last night when I was puking in the dumpster behind a Vegas strip joint. He’s from Ecuador, and guess what? We got married!
Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck! Dear Wolfgang, I've eaten at your Spago restaurant. It's all right. Be honest with me now. You haven't actually cooked anything in 20 years, have you? Right now, you're jusst coasting on the fact that Chad Lowe went to your...
Happy Birthday, Stephen Hawking! Dear Hawking, 110101110101 111110nd 1010001110101! 100010111101010 101100100101 1011101 10010 11100111001 1001111101 111000110 101010010101 11010101001 110 11000111 1011 1000101? 1010110000111001 "11010001 1 10010010" 1010 000100101 1001010010 1010100101010101?? 010111! Love, Geoff...

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