— Fiction —

Trying to Explain the Easter Bunny to My Orthodox Jewish Girlfriend

So, what does the Easter bunny have to do with the holiday?

Well, that’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked. You see, We Catholics believe that Jesus Christ is the Messiah. He died for our sins, you know. Anyway, he was crucified and then, three days later he was resurrected and ascended into Heaven to sit at the right hand of God.

Whatever. What’s with all the candy?

Um … traditionally, the egg represents fertility and the resurrection is a rebirth of sorts. It’s very spiritual, very complicated. So, on Easter Sunday, we hide decorated eggs from children and give them candy when they find them.

That makes no sense. Where does the rabbit come in?

Well, again, it’s very complicated. Fertility, as represented by the eggs, is also represented by the arrival of the benign figure of the Easter Bunny … fertility and life. You know how in the old days, when a woman would, uh … the pregnancy-test thing? It had to do with a rabbit dying. So, this is really an extension of the concept of everlasting life.

If the rabbit died, a woman would know she was pregnant. Yeah, I’ve heard that. That was before EPT.

Yes. Before EPT, there was some kind of, there was the rabbit-test. Anyway, the rabbit, I mean, the Easter Bunny represents life and the eggs and the candy and the chocolate are merely tangible human concepts which are easily understood by children. It’s a teaching device, really. Like I said, it’s very complicated …

So the Easter Bunny is Jesus?

No, no. I didn’t say that. It’s really a conceptual, ancillary religious ideological facet of the mystery of Christ. Resurrection, salvation …

Peeps.

The Peeps are really … marshmallow is … it’s, it’s—well, obviously there has been some commercialization over time.

So you have Santa Claus for Christmas and the Easter Bunny …

For Easter. Exactly. Does that answer all your questions?

You people are constantly giving each other candy and toys.

Right, because that’s what Jesus would do. But, you know, there’s also Victoria’s Secret for the adults, or girls who are lactose intolerant…

That sounds more like the Playboy Bunny…

Exactly. It’s a very loving religion, you know.

I’m not dressing up like a bunny for you.

O.K., let me try to explain this again…