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Saturday, March 22, 2003

Happy Birthday, Andrew Lloyd Weber & Stephen Sondheim

Dear Andy and Steve,

Happy 55th and 73rd Birthdays!

Gadzooks, I can’t freaking believe that the two of you share a birthday! That’s insane! I mean, as it is, I can never remember which one of you guys wrote which musical I hated. But, really, what’s the difference? The two of you together are responsible for the bulk of my fits of boiling rage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stormed out of a Broadway theater—halfway into the first song—ready to erupt. So many times, I’ve punched out the ushers, torn my Playbill to shreds, fell to my knees and pounded the pavement, cursing one of your names with passionate fury. It’s a good thing the N.Y.C. theater district is in Times Square, which is overrun with cheap hookers. Otherwise, I’d have quit my job as theater critic years ago.

Keep up the good work, boys!

Don’t cry for me,
Josh Abraham