Happy 29th Birthday!
You are lucky I’m writing you a card at all. Six years ago, I wrote you a letter inviting you to my fraternity’s Spring Hawaiian-themed Formal, “Wowie In Maui!” I waited patiently for your response, not really expecting a “yes,” but not totally writing off the possibility. I waited until the last possible moment and then was stuck going with Rachel Goldman, who quite frankly, shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, much less to an event requiring formal wear. Jewel, you broke my heart. I had to change all of the passwords on my various e-mail and Internet site accounts (it was “sexwithjewel”) because of your egregious (and hurtful, I might add) snubbing of me. All I wanted was some correspondence from you. You broke my heart.
On second thought, screw you.