Friday, May 23, 2003

Dear Jewel,

Happy 29th Birthday!

You are lucky I’m writing you a card at all. Six years ago, I wrote you a letter inviting you to my fraternity’s Spring Hawaiian-themed Formal, “Wowie In Maui!” I waited patiently for your response, not really expecting a “yes,” but not totally writing off the possibility. I waited until the last possible moment and then was stuck going with Rachel Goldman, who quite frankly, shouldn’t be allowed out of the house, much less to an event requiring formal wear. Jewel, you broke my heart. I had to change all of the passwords on my various e-mail and Internet site accounts (it was “sexwithjewel”) because of your egregious (and hurtful, I might add) snubbing of me. All I wanted was some correspondence from you. You broke my heart.

On second thought, screw you.

Geoff Wolinetz

May 23, 1974 | Jewel | songstress

Happy Birthday, Drew Carey! Dear Drew, Happy 45th birthday! And congratulations on being you. You seem to really enjoy it. That and hookers, of course. I've been known to do dabble in hookers in my day also. Not really; just trying to make you...
Wedding Jitters My dearest Alexandria, I’m sorry, my love, I hope you can forgive me . . . I want to call the wedding off. It’s not that I don’t love you, my little souvlaki, you know I do with all my...
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding) “But why are we hiding, Rosencrantz?” “Why, we’re hiding because we don’t want to be seen.” “But if everyone thinks we’re dead, then there’s no need to hide.” “Who said we’re dead?” “Everyone knows Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. It’s...

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.



RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish









From the Y.P.aRchives


Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help


Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
The Book Club


Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends


Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews


Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities


The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery


Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke


New & Noteworthy Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera


Contributors' Notes


The Y.P.aRchives

This journal is powered by Movable Typo 4.01.

Y.P.R. & Co.