Una Lettera Aperta Alla Gente Che Cerca “Piedi di Monica Bellucci”

Dear foot fetishists, Bellucci enthusiasts, celebrity podiatrists, assorted freaks and weirdoes, Nearly every day one of you oddballs curiously seeks results for some variant of the phrase “Monica Bellucci’s feet” from Google and, thanks to the vast intricacies of search-engine…

Happy Birthday, Beyoncé!

Dear Beyoncé, Happy 22nd Birthday! Well, it seems like you have it all, Beyoncé. You have a famous rapper boyfriend. A successful musical career, both group and solo. You are beautiful. Millions of men want you. Millions of women want…

Lady, Your Pipes Need Cleaning

by Ray Stillman

Look, lady, your pipes are all clogged up. They need to be cleaned out. They—what? Oh, it’s the tools. The weight of the tools in my belt is what makes my pants hang so low. I know, I know—it’s kind…

Happy Birthday, Eileen Brennan!

Dear Mrs. Peacock, You were never pretty. In Murder by Death, you were at least O.K.-looking. Nothing spectacular, but still O.K. Now, you look like an old catcher’s mitt. How are you only 65? You know botox is really fucking…

Happy Birthday, Adam Curry!

Dear Adam, Who’s headbanging now, chump? Best, Josh Abraham…

Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen!

Dear Charlie, Happy 38th Birthday! For a child of privilege who spent the bulk of his youth blowing gigantic quantities of cash on hookers and drugs, you sure did O.K. for yourself! Damn, your wife is a hot piece of…

Sentiments Anti-Français

In which Y.P.R. resorts to the milking of outdated, hackneyed stereotypes to exploit America’s love/hate relationship with France.

Let’s Go France!

French Things that Stink (on Purpose) Pepe Le Pew Cheese French Things that Stink (Unintentionally) Paris Chirac EuroDisney Red-and-white-striped shirts and berets Mimery Henrí, the dude who tried to steal Woody Boyd’s girlfriend The unconditional love and admiration of…

The Nose

by Josh Abraham

Ever since Wanda, my ex-fiancée, broke off the engagement in order to pursue her lifelong dream of marrying a marine biologist, I’d been keeping my bathtub fully stocked with goldfish, catfish, neon tetras, guppies—pretty much anything piscine and cheap. I…

Happy Birthday, Keanu!

Dear Keanu, Happy 39th Birthday, dude! To celebrate your special day, I think we should all get stoned and watch The Matrix on DVD. Also, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey is on TBS. They don’t call it the Superstation for…

A Postcard from Paris

Dear Nicky, The Hamptons just isn’t the same without you! I miss you so much! I can’t wait to see you as soon as you get done having sex with all of the Green Bay Packers! I saw you on…

Louis XIV’s To-Do List

ç Don’t shower ç Grope chambermaid ç Piss in chamber pot. Toss out window. ç Diddle the houseboy. ç Don’t shower ç Call Marie re: cake ç Gaze at my reflection in mirrored hallway. Hump my reflection. Belch. ç Scratch…

Useful Phrases for the American in Paris

Je recherche un talonneur appelé Marie. Elle peut avoir ma pochette. I’m looking for a hooker named Marie. She may have my wallet. Ce goût du vin comme la pisse de chien. Où peux-je circuler un Pabst ici ? This…

Everything Is Translated

Following is an excerpt from Jonathan Safran Foer’s acclaimed début novel, Everything Is Illuminated, in which the narrator is almost, but not quite, fluent in English. His Ukrainian translation flubs provide a delightfully clever mutilation of the English language, causing…

Random Selections from the ‘U’ Volume of the Encyclopedia

by Pierre Cavanaugh

Umbrellas are good for staying dry in the rain… for normal people. Criminal masterminds may see the umbrella as a tool for shooting mind-controlling rays upon the public. Uganda is a country in Africa. There are a lot of black…