— Fiction —

Transcript: R.W.A. Secret Indoctrination Proceedings

Is the untried Romance Writers Association candidate before us?

Present and accounted for, Chairman.

Are you prepared to answer this committee’s questions?

Yes. I have studied well and am prepared to answer any questions the committee may have.

Very well, then. Let us proceed. What happens between a man and a woman in private?

Waves crash upon the dry and sandy beach. Flocks of sparrows rise into the morning sky. Fires rage wildly through too-long-fallow fields.

How is a bodice worn?

O’er heaving bosom, until boldly ripped, rent, or torn.

How is it torn?

Asunder!

What is hair for?

It is let down; it hangs softly and alluringly over the back or chest; it is ravished.

By whom is it let down?

A beautiful, desirable woman of foreign birth whose heart overflows with secret longing.

By whom is it ravished?

A wealthy, strapping, muscular gentleman of noble title and good renown.

What does he do?

He sweeps her away to unimaginable heights of ecstasy and makes her his own.

And what does he do this with?

His robust, throbbing manhood.

What does skin do?

It glistens with joy and longing.

And eyes?

They flash with anger or desire.

What do nipples do?

They yearn. They peak. They marble.

Where do babies come from?

They spring from loins.

How are loins prepared?

They are inflamed.

With what are they inflamed?

Passion.

What sort of passion?

Secret passion.

Thank you. No further questions.