— Fiction —

Bret Michaels Considers the Candidates

Well, first of all, the only party I’m affiliated with is the one that’s happening in my pants! So when I’m looking over all these candidates, I don’t think to myself, “Democrat or, you know, uh … well, whatever the other one is.” I think about who’s gonna rock my vote!

Now it’s almost Super Duper Tuesday and we’re pretty much down to six people: There’s John McCain, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Barack Obama, John Edwards, and Hillary Clinton. I know there are some other ones out there, or at least I think there are, but these six are my V.I.P.s.

I don’t really know any of them, but I’d like to get to know them. Maybe if we spent a little time together, just hanging out at my place. But the way things are there just isn’t time to really spend time. So I’m kinda winging it here. You know, I’ve sold 25 million albums, I’ve toured all over the world and I’ve banged some of the hottest women in the world. Being in a rock band is great, but it’s also hard work and you have to be ready for anything. Maybe the amps are blown, maybe you break a guitar string, maybe the microphone fails … anything can happen because rock ’n’ roll is a monster! You have to be able to make a decision on the fly and you use your best judgment. Like if I’m playing an arena to 20,000 screaming fans and I say, “Hit it, C. C.!” and he doesn’t hit it … well, that’s when I have to make an important decision. I can either stand there like a complete idiot or I can start working the crowd until C. C. remembers what song we’re playing. That’s about making a tough decision; and it’s either going to work out or it isn’t but you bring your A game or you’ll be booed off the stage. The stage of life. That’s what I’m looking for in a candidate.

Now, I heard that Mike Huckabee is a musician and plays bass or something. That’s awesome! But already I’m thinking he’s not gonna make the cut because he has such a terrible name. Huckabee. It just doesn’t rock and he should have realized that a long time ago and made the decision to change his name. You look at guys like Elton John, David Bowie, Axl Rose … C. C. DeVille. Those guys all had terrible names, made the decision to change ’em and look at ’em now! So Mike Huckabee, I’m sorry … but you don’t rock my vote and I wish you all the best.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon and I’ve played Salt Lake City a thousand times and the girls there are incredibly hot! But as a Mormon AND the governor of Utah, you would think he might have taken advantage of his status and found a much hotter wife … or three! Not a good decision. Also, for the same reasons as Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney doesn’t rock my vote. But I wish you good luck and Godspeed on all the wonderful adventures I’m sure you’ll have in your life.

I think John McCain is pretty cool. The guy’s a war hero: he stayed with his men in Viet Nam when he could have gone home. That says a lot about a guy. He seems like the kind of guy you could have a beer with or go to a strip club with and that’s the kind of guy who would probably be a good wingman. And if we went to a strip club, I bet he would stay with me until I got a hot chick with some nice DDs. John McCain definitely rocks my vote!

I really dig that Obama. Sharp guy and young, too. So I think Barack Obama would rock my vote because he’s probably the only candidate who knows my music. Cool name, too!

I like Hillary Clinton because she’s a woman, and I love women! Not hot, but maybe if she had a boob job and wore heels. Still, I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to suck face with her all night because she seems committed. Plus I’d like to meet her husband; I bet he’s nailed more groupies than I have! And Hillary made the decision to stand by her man and that’s awesome. She rocks my vote!

John Edwards. He seems like he’s always around, but I just don’t know what he’s talking about. He’s kind of like, you know how if you go out and meet a hot girl who’s out with her friends, there’s always that one sort of fat girl? And she’s always talking? That’s what Edwards reminds me of. Like I’d want to talk to the hot girl, but there’s Edwards talking about reforming government or something. I’m sorry, John, but we don’t click. I really hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for and get to reform all sorts of cool things, but you didn’t rock my vote.

Well, I guess that’s it for now. Hopefully soon I’ll really get to spend some time with each candidate and maybe up the ante on the competition. Maybe we could all go hang-gliding or snowboarding, do some shots and just, you know, hang out. Then I’d really have a better feel about who’s gonna really rock my vote!