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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

How To
Become an Undecided Voter!

Do you crave attention? Do you need to be noticed in a crowd of millions? Do you lack the talents or skills that would help you stand out?

Then become an undecided voter! It’s easy! Undecided voters are the Scarlett Johanssons of politics. They do almost nothing and are desired by everyone. And sometimes it looks like they’re thinking.

To determine your level of indifference, take this simple test:

Would you like:

a.) An orgasm?
b.) A crowbar to the back of the head?
Orgasm? Crowbar?

Have you decided? Then you’re not ready. Go back and try again. Weigh all the options of an orgasm against a crowbar to the back of the head. Which will last longer? Who is delivering them? Can you take time out of your busy day for either?

Now that you’re unable to answer the first question, let’s move on to something harder:

Do you believe in:

a.) Barack Obama?
b.) Goblins?
Obama / Goblins

Don’t answer. Roll each one around in your mind. Repeat this phrase: “Why not both?” You’re on your way to deadlock!

Finally, let’s try an expert-level stumper:

What issues most concern you?

Call in sick tomorrow because you’re not getting up from this monitor for another 18 hours. Don’t worry, you’ll be found. You’re the next stop on the campaign trail!

Be the center of attention! Get an interview on cable news! Make no difference in the electoral process! Don’t decide today!

Jon has studied at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and his first screenplay Idiots in the Atlantic was featured at the New York Film and Video Festival. Advertising agencies, toy companies, greeting card companies, and McSweeney's have accepted his writing and paid him pennies for it. Oh, and he's a stand-up comedian. Probably should have said that before.