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Monday, June 2, 2008

Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine’s Special Issues

The Top Docs Issue
He’s not like a doctor doctor, but Hubie will make you feel all right, all the time. Check him out over at the News Shop. Bring a box of Puffs tissue. It’s code, man. Get it? Do it and you’ll score big-time. You know I wouldn’t steer you wrong, my baked Alaskan.

The Real Estate Issue
You totally wouldn’t think it, but Harbor Lane over by the Getty station—yeah, sorta near the Mail Boxes Etc.—is like pretty much ground zero for some of the best shit right now. I know, right? You wouldn’t think it, but it’s true. Wonderland dude. Total wonderland. Houses got some sweet-ass curb appeal too.

The Style Issue
Can’t go wrong with Birks, dude. Jeans, a tee, and some Birks.

The Travel Issue
Amsterdam. As always, buds.

The College Issue
Partied there once. Unreal, bro. If you can get in, go. If you can’t get in, then just move there, dude. Assuming you can’t get a place on Harbor Lane.

The Election Issue
Can’t you totally see Barack hitting a bong and kickin’ back to some Phish? He used to do blow, dude, so he’d totally legalize some ganja, right? And Hillary’s husband lit up—totally botched the question about it—but he lit up. So maybe Hillary would be all like, Cool man, here you go, babe, boom, it’s legal, happy anniversary, or whatever. Know what? Oh my God. She could totally go the other way, revenge-like. If she knows he loves reefer, she could totally be like, No way, it’s staying banned dude, shoulda thought before laying pipe instead of smoking it. Stay tuned for more analysis. Urine analysis. Ha ha. Just kidding, bros. That shit’s not even funny.

The Year’s Hottest New Gadgets Issue
hIvy League: Dig this, it’s a freaking kit that lets you train a marijuana plant to grow and climb up your person. Right on you, dudes. You’d be like a human wall of ivy. But instead of ivy, it’d be weed. And that’s good, because ivy can’t get you blitzed. Can it? We gotta do some research on that.

FingerPipe: Genius whoever came up with it. This thing replaces the finger of your choosing with a pipe for smoking hash. Hurts a bit, but get a good surgeon or friend or whatever to hook you up with some killer pills and you won’t even feel your finger getting cut off. Then just slip the FingerPipe on and you’re good to go. A five-finger discount is available. Now those are some digits I wanna get.

The Fiction Issue
“Toby thought he was dreaming. It was the day after all drugs were legalized everywhere. The sky was bright with a kaleidoscope of colors. Every mall had opened a drug dollar store. Every casino from coast to coast had an all-you-can-toke buffet. Toby asked someone, ‘Hey, am I dreaming?’ The person smiled, took a deep inhale from his finger and said, ‘Nope.’”

Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he's funny. Visit him at