My opponent and older brother, Tyler, in an effort to distract the parents of this household from the real issues—like the still unanswered questions regarding the whereabouts of Mom’s scissors—has brought up the issue of my misguided urination adventures. But what he doesn’t tell you is that not only did he support fishbowl-peeing programs with irresponsible double-dog daring, but, in addition, he’s had his own history of inappropriate urination.
My opponent remains out of touch on such vital issues as the continued presence of MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET and their suspected advance to the area under my bed.
Here are the facts: My opponent has, in the past, engaged in peeing in such locations as the bathtub, the clothes hamper, and even his own crib.
In addition, my opponent—in spite of aggressive efforts to line his pockets through “allowance reform”—continues his habits of reckless spending, which include undisclosed earmarks to the fat cats of the video-gaming and candy industries.
He’s also remained out of touch on such vital issues as the continued presence of monsters in my closet and their suspected advance to the area under my bed.
I say it’s a time for a change of leadership in this household. It’s time for a leader who can be counted as an advocate for transparency regarding his older brother’s activities, a leader who will take on the pro-wedgie lobbyists in spite of painful consequences.
I want to be that leader. But right now I want to lick some chocolate cake frosting from the mixer. God bless you and God bless America.