Friday, March 5, 2010

— Listicles —
Wit of Winston

WHEN Winston Churchill won a seat in Parliament at the age of twenty-six, he grew a mustache to make himself look more distinguished. A woman approached him at a dinner party and said, “Winston, I approve of neither your politics nor your mustache.”

“Ooh,” replied Churchill, “Pretty smooth! How long you been sitting on that one, stupid?” His Parliament friends cackled. He went on to mimic, in a shrill voice, “I approve of neither your politics nor your mustache.” The woman retreated in tears.

* * *

A FRIEND once asked Winston Churchill about a dinner party he had recently attended. Churchill said, “It would have been splendid … if the food and drink hadn’t been so terrible and if the maid would have had sex with me like I told her to!”

* * *

Winston Churchill once found himself in the home of his sharp-tongued political opponent, Lady Astor. Over coffee, she remarked, “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.”

Churchill replied, “Nancy, if I were your husband, I would seriously shoot myself in the head with a gun.”

* * *

IN THE FALL of 1940, the first destroyers arrived from America and Winston Churchill went to inspect them with Roosevelt’s top aide, Harry Hopkins.

Churchill looked the ships over and grumbled, “Cheap and nasty.”

Hopkins was startled. “What was that?” he said.

Churchill added, “How I like my whores.”

* * *

Union Jack!

AFTER having a few drinks one night, Winston Churchill ran into Bessie Braddock in the House of Commons. She was very angry. “Winston,” she said. “You are drunk, and what’s more, you are disgustingly drunk.”

Churchill, surveying Bessie, replied, “And might I say, Mrs. Braddock, you’re the disgusting one: You’re ugly, you’re a slut, and you don’t even have any friends!” He lunged as if to strike her, but his friends interceded and restrained him.

* * *

DURING a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a luncheon at which fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked, “May I have some breast?”

“Mr. Churchill,” the hostess said, “in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat.”

Churchill apologized.

The following morning, the lady received a beautiful orchid from Churchill. The accompanying card read: “Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs!”

* * *

LATE in life, Winston Churchill paid visit to the House of Commons and immediately the room buzzed with excitement. “They say he’s potty,” murmured a member of Parliament.

Churchill beat the young upstart to death with his cane. He later said of the incident, “Sometimes the best quip is a rageful blow to the head.”

Gabe Durham wonders if maybe these are funnier if you’re familiar with the original anecdotes. But is he really responsible for your enormous historical lapses? I mean is one man to turn the tide of the failing American education system? Is that fair to him? To you? Gabe gives away free words and music at gatherroundchildren.com. It’s not much but it’s a start.

— Fiction —

Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft

Daniel Friedman

I’m Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.

— Fiction —

The Toyota Tirades

Tyler Stoddard Smith

Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn’t forget the voice-activated navigation system.

— Listicles —