— Fiction —

Dionysus, Applebee’s Server

ELCOME! I am the giver of unmixed wine, and he who replenishes Boneless Buffalo Wings and Chicken Parmesan Tanglers. Speaking of which, may I start you off with some appetizers?

Excellent choice, sir. The Dynamite Shrimp are particularly fine. Also, we are running our 2 for $20 promotion right now.

Tonight, we will drink deep of earthly pleasures and romp with the blessed Maenads, whose curls fall thick around their shoulders in flourishes of mad ecstasy. The Maenads? They are Benjy, the busboy, and Kelly, the bartender, with whom I must share my tips, since I am new here. Never mind Kelly’s blank expression. She is mad with pleasure and, anyway, makes wine flow like rain over the sown wheat.

Oh, you are ready for your drink orders? A saucy company, this! Yes, yes … Our Red Apple Sangria is a personal favorite of mine. It will gush forth from these very walls over our shivering bodies.

I will return shortly to take your food orders. And then when we have filled our bellies with every good thing, the writhing faithful will be driven into the streets to fill the air with songs of the delights of Applebee’s! To the mountain! Ai ai ai ai ai!