December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work—are there clubs? I definitely need to put up a tree. A real tree, one I cut down myself. And I should send out a Christmas card. None of that e-card crap. I hope it snows soon!
— Chop down Christmas tree.
— Send out Christmas cards.
— Get ironic holiday sweater out of cedar closet—wash.
— Start thinking of gift ideas.
— Buy eggnog.
— Bake something with cloves.
— Google “frankincense.”
Days 11 – 16: ANGER
Christmas is in two weeks already? It seriously comes faster every year; old people must think it’s Christmas all the time. No, this year it definitely came without warning. It hasn’t even snowed yet. And where were the Christmas-themed Sears catalogs in October? Is that a death-of-print thing? Maybe a death-of-Sears thing. I should go to Sears and get my picture taken for a Christmas card. That’s a thing real people do. Is it something single people do? Pathetic single people, sitting alone in the mall. I should buy regular cards. But how am I supposed to shop when the stores are so crowded? I don’t think I can stomach one more “Blue Christmas.”
— Order cards online—use two-day delivery.
— Unbox plastic tree; think of gift ideas!!
— Buy Holiday Snack Cakes.
— Kill Elvis.
— Google “Sears.”
Days 17 – 20: BARGAINING
It’s next week?! There’s still time for it to be a white Christmas. Now, how long does mail take to arrive, really? Three days, tops. If I mail the cards by five o’clock, they’ll definitely arrive before the 25th. I’m probably too late to reach Tripper’s family in Canada. I’ll send them an e-card. Will his kids think novelty T-shirts are lame? I should get them something really cool. I’m going to find one of those old-timey toy stores, the kind with wooden toys handmade by a kindly old pedophile wearing a vest. I am going to be the BEST UNCLE EVER.
— Find a good toymaker.
— SEND CARDS TODAY!!.
— Download Photoshop—make e-card for Tripper’s family.
— Put star on the tree—don’t bother with ornaments?
— Wait a week for Holiday Snack Cakes to go on sale.
Days 21 – 23: DEPRESSION
It’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve already? Shit. Who am I kidding—there are no old-timey toy stores around here. And kids hate wooden toys. You can’t give a ten-year-old a Jacob’s Ladder! I should get them video games. Do they already have Call of Duty? Is that appropriate for children? I wonder if Mom and Dad realize I’ve given them DVDs six years straight. It’s never going to snow. I hate this stupid holiday. Where the hell are those snack cakes?! Oh right.
— Buy more eggnog, rum.
— Load up on gift cards—kids love Walmart?
— Finish MS Paint-ing e-card—send TONIGHT to EVERYONE.
— Ask Steve and Tripper what they’re getting Mom and Dad.
Days 24 – 25: ACCEPTANCE
Is it starting to snow? I hope Walmart is open late on Christmas Eve. On the other hand, kids love cash. And I bet Mom and Dad haven’t seen any of my DVDs anyway. Will they notice this one is scratched? Factory defect. Merry Christmas, everybody! This sweater smells like wood.
— Ease up on the eggnog.
— Look out for “black ice.”
— Avoid eye contact with the pastor.
— Be nice to Tripper.
— Google “black ice.”
— Be on top of this shit next year.