Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Santa Hat (Black)

Days 1 – 10: DENIAL

December already? IT’S CHRISTMASTIME! I wonder if any radio stations have switched to Christmas music yet. I should go caroling this year. How does that work—are there clubs? I definitely need to put up a tree. A real tree, one I cut down myself. And I should send out a Christmas card. None of that e-card crap. I hope it snows soon!

To do:
— Chop down Christmas tree.
— Send out Christmas cards.
— Get ironic holiday sweater out of cedar closet—wash.
— Start thinking of gift ideas.
— Buy eggnog.
— Bake something with cloves.
— Google “frankincense.”

Days 11 – 16: ANGER

Christmas is in two weeks already? It seriously comes faster every year; old people must think it’s Christmas all the time. No, this year it definitely came without warning. It hasn’t even snowed yet. And where were the Christmas-themed Sears catalogs in October? Is that a death-of-print thing? Maybe a death-of-Sears thing. I should go to Sears and get my picture taken for a Christmas card. That’s a thing real people do. Is it something single people do? Pathetic single people, sitting alone in the mall. I should buy regular cards. But how am I supposed to shop when the stores are so crowded? I don’t think I can stomach one more “Blue Christmas.”

To do:
— Order cards online—use two-day delivery.
— Unbox plastic tree; think of gift ideas!!
— Buy Holiday Snack Cakes.
— Kill Elvis.
— Google “Sears.”

Days 17 – 20: BARGAINING

It’s next week?! There’s still time for it to be a white Christmas. Now, how long does mail take to arrive, really? Three days, tops. If I mail the cards by five o’clock, they’ll definitely arrive before the 25th. I’m probably too late to reach Tripper’s family in Canada. I’ll send them an e-card. Will his kids think novelty T-shirts are lame? I should get them something really cool. I’m going to find one of those old-timey toy stores, the kind with wooden toys handmade by a kindly old pedophile wearing a vest. I am going to be the BEST UNCLE EVER.

To do:
— Find a good toymaker.
— Download Photoshop—make e-card for Tripper’s family.
— Put star on the tree—don’t bother with ornaments?
— Wait a week for Holiday Snack Cakes to go on sale.

Days 21 – 23: DEPRESSION

It’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve already? Shit. Who am I kidding—there are no old-timey toy stores around here. And kids hate wooden toys. You can’t give a ten-year-old a Jacob’s Ladder! I should get them video games. Do they already have Call of Duty? Is that appropriate for children? I wonder if Mom and Dad realize I’ve given them DVDs six years straight. It’s never going to snow. I hate this stupid holiday. Where the hell are those snack cakes?! Oh right.

To do:
— Buy more eggnog, rum.
— Load up on gift cards—kids love Walmart?
— Finish MS Paint-ing e-card—send TONIGHT to EVERYONE.
— Ask Steve and Tripper what they’re getting Mom and Dad.

Days 24 – 25: ACCEPTANCE

Is it starting to snow? I hope Walmart is open late on Christmas Eve. On the other hand, kids love cash. And I bet Mom and Dad haven’t seen any of my DVDs anyway. Will they notice this one is scratched? Factory defect. Merry Christmas, everybody! This sweater smells like wood.

To do:
— Ease up on the eggnog.
— Look out for “black ice.”
— Avoid eye contact with the pastor.
— Be nice to Tripper.
— Google “black ice.”
— Be on top of this shit next year.

Justin Hook is a writer and comedy booker currently living in Los Angeles. His tastes have not changed since he was eight, though he is a little tired of getting the same ten issues of Zoobooks over and over.

Happy Festival of Lights! Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah! (Let's settle on the spelling. No more of that "ch" crap.)
Black Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store! Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.-rejected Chinese brand prices! Yup. We're gonna run this one every year.
How To
Turducken Cookin': John Madden's Favorite Thanksgiving Day Feasts from Around the World The football gourmand's recipes for Kangaby, Hippeleraffe, and Humanzee for your holiday feast.



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