Thursday, December 23, 2004

December, 2004

Dear Madame;

The White House has recently been informed that you have created a new Nativity scene, with biblical characters being portrayed by wax sculptures of sports legends, entertainers, and political leaders.

The White House tries to keep an open mind about this. We loved Charlton Heston as Moses—he is an icon in the United States due to his charitable works with the N.R.A. We also did not object to Jim Caveziel’s portrayal in The Passion of the Christ, because the film was produced by a Patriot and true Christian. The life of Jesus has often been depicted in motion pictures, and we realize the important presence of stars to draw sinners to the beautiful message of Salvation offered by the Christmas story.

That being said, we do not, however, think you made appropriate casting choices, and would like the following changes made:

  1. A soccer star as Joseph is unacceptable, as this is a sport enjoyed mostly by brawling fans from foreign nations. Many of the countries where this sport is practiced never signed on when we declared war on terrorism.
  2. The President is a big baseball fan, as are many others in the United States, and feels that a baseball icon would be more appropriate in the role of Joseph. Suggestions from our cabinet are mostly sluggers, such as Jason Giambi. While a homerun hitter could drive home the proper message, our President prefers pitching great Roger Clemens, who is from his home state, and never backs down to threats from the opposition.

    Posh Spice, while a lovely young lady (the President even confesses to enjoying her music), is a bad choice for Mary, due to not being a true virgin.

    We grant that it is difficult to fill this role. Most stars looking the proper age are no longer virgins. We suggest here that a political pundit be cast. Ann Coulter is probably not a virgin, either, but she is frigid, and that, likely, is as close as you will come.
  3. The Shepherds. Some within the administration applaud your casting of an African-American in an important secondary role. We also note that Mr. Jackson is a better choice than P-Diddy. But we must question his roles in other films. He has played murderers and drug dealers, and has had white girlfriends. We would prefer a more respectable minority person, such as Colin Powell, for the role. He would appreciate the work, and is amenable to playing small parts.

    Graham Norton is a comic, and therefore not a good choice for a dramatic role, as well as showing incompatibility with Conservative values. We would prefer a serious player here, someone like our own Dick Cheney.

    We have no problem with Hugh Grant. After his encounter years ago with that Hollywood hooker, he is totally believable as a lonely and desperate shepherd. His contrition afterward would indicate to us that he has truly seen the light, and many of our female staffers find him cute.
  4. The hovering Angel should not be played by a rock star. We would have put Roma Downey in this role. She is far more qualified, and also far better looking than Ms. Minogue. She alone—perhaps with wings from Victoria’s Secret—would entice far more men to the Christian Message of Salvation.
  5. We approve of Tony Blair and the Duke of Edinburgh as wise men, although we feel that someone else would have more box office clout than a little-known Duke.

    But we object to the depiction of our wise Mr. Bush as one of the sages from the East. Kings from the East smack of “Iranian Ayatollah,” or the Taliban. Even though these two evil entities did not exist in the time of Christ, there are many today who think of them when the East is mentioned. We suggest that Ariel Sharon be included among the wise men, due to his fine reputation among Christian Conservatives, and that the Duke also be replaced with someone from the East with the proper credentials; Hamid Karzai, for example.

Mr. Bush should be cast in an important role, however.

We note that the Baby Jesus in your crèche appears to be a mere bundle of swaddling clothes. We urge you to replace this bundle with a living person; one blessed as an inspirational leader. George W. Bush is the proper choice to be Jesus.

Andrew Card
White House Chief of Staff


George Motisher first achieved fame as a scientist. He set up the original double-blind study that proved conclusively which items actually did beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and has recently conducted research into how socio-economic factors play a role in turning good cholesterol bad. His research results have been published in Well Known Scientific Journal and Respected International Quarterly, and he has been recognized by Prestigious Organization of World-Renowned Researchers. He became a writer as part of a study of poverty.

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