INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT
Jane’s Addiction song “Superhero” plays. JESUS and APOSTLE ERIC enter the modest establishment, where Eric approaches the OWNER.
Hi, I’m with Jesus. We’ll need a table for 12…
INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT - MINUTES LATER
Jesus holds court with the Apostles.
Waiter, could I have another bottle of wine—or water … whatever!
Big laughs from the whole table.
Jesus, APOSTLE DRAMA and APOSTLE TURTLE are browsing when a comely MARY MAGDALENE crosses their path. She flirts outrageously with Jesus, who likes what he sees.
God damn, Mary Magdalene is a MILK—a Mary I’d like to knoweth!
I’m not sure about this Mary Magdalene chick, bro. I think she might be a frankincense digger, bro…
Oh, what do you know—you jerk off so much, you have stigmata!
A group of ROMAN SOLDIERS appear on the scene—and they heckle Jesus.
Yo, Jesus! I saw a vision of your mother last night—and let me tell you, she’s no Virgin!
Apostle Drama goes over to punch the soldier—but Jesus holds him back.
We must turn the other cheek, my brother.
Turn the other ass-cheek is more like it … Those Romans are such Messiah-haters!
INT. CAVE — DAY
APOSTLE ARI is yelling at Jesus.
INT. JAIL — DAYAPOSTLE ARI
I just got a scroll from Pontus Pilate—he’s calling for your crucifixion! You need to start acting like the King of the Jews—and stop acting like the Queen of the Jews!
(holds stomach suddenly)
Damn, I shouldn’t have asked you to multiply all of those fish … I think I’ve got mercury poisoning … Lloyd!
Jesus is behind bars, being visited by Apostles Turtle, Ari, Drama and Eric.
Well, I can’t say I didn’t I didn’t see it coming. Judas. Jew, Dis. He’s a Jew, he sure did dis me. I told him he’d deny me three times before the cock crowed…
Whoa, whoa—why are we in a jail cell talking about cock?
EXT. JAIL — DAY
Apostle Eric addresses his fellow Apostles forlornly.
Fellas, if Jesus suffers and dies on the cross for this, we’ll lose everything.
No, he won’t. If he gets crucified, he’ll come back and be stronger than ever.
Jesus will rise again!
A title credit comes up: