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Monday, April 14, 2008

How To
Recipe for Disaster

Pete Reynolds

You Will Need:

1 ex-girlfriend
8 Pabst Blue Ribbons
1 boss (or substitute 2 coworkers)
1 gambling addiction
2 cups poison sumac
4 cups self-esteem, minced
Sprig of race riot
Dash of profanity
4 tbsp. methamphetamines
½ quart stump whiskey
2007 New York Mets
1 poor relationship with father
Remaining rent money
1 tranny prostitute
3 cops
1 bottle Night Train Express fortified wine
96 fireworks (assorted)
1 religious war (aged 2000 years)


  1. Preset clock to 1:26 a.m.

  2. Drain eight Pabst Blue Ribbons into your stomach.

  3. In a crowded street festival, combine stump whiskey, gambling addiction, and minced self-esteem. Whisk in ex-girlfriend. Stir vigorously.

  4. Begin boss, poison sumac, and methamphetamines over medium heat until simmering.

  5. In a public bathroom, mix Night Train and tranny prostitute until blacked out. Add boss, poison sumac, and methamphetamines. Cook until shame and judgment evaporate.

  6. Open up poor relationship with father and combine with stump whiskey, gambling addiction, minced self-esteem and ex-girlfriend. Add remaining rent money and three cops. Beat thoroughly.

  7. In a poorly assembled space shuttle, toss Step 5 mixture with a dash of profanity. Add fireworks and religious war, and set to high heat for 20–25 minutes. Do not let cool.

  8. Combine all ingredients in Steps 3–7. Pour into a hydrogen blimp, and garnish with a sprig of race riot.

  9. Add 2007 New York Mets to taste.

  10. Makes enough for Lindsay Lohan, O.J. Simpson, the Pope, and Patient X.

  11. Serve with a side of YouTube.

Pete Reynolds may not always finish what he starts, but he always starts what he finishes. He lives in Maryland, where he actively hates birds and greeting cards.