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by Josh Abraham

To the chap who finds this bottled-enclosed message: Hello there, good sir! I trust you are safely upon sturdy ground and, I dare hope, doing well. Alas, I am not faring as solidly as you, old chap. You see, I…

My Huge Head

by Nick Jezarian

My name is Jimmy and I have an absurdly large head. It’s so big, in fact, I think the most appropriate description might be that it’s similar in shape to a humongous melon and in size to a heavy bag….

Generic 60s Beach Sitcom

by Geoff Wolinetz

FADE IN: EXT. THE BEACH - DAY It’s 1965. The beach is littered with surfboards. The girls wear bikinis that do not expose their navels. The boys wear long surfing shorts. LIZZIE (16, cute, little high-school student) sits on the…

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Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Yiddish!
Der Tog nokh der Morgn.
The Day after Tomorrow.

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Friday, April 11, 2003   |    Birthday Cards to Celebrities

Happy Birthday, Joel Grey!

April 11, 1932 | Joel Grey | actor

Dear Joel,

Happy 71st birthday!

Joel, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is my second-favorite thing in the whole world. (Most favorite? Laffy Taffy.) Sometimes, I spend whole weekends just lying on the floor watching Remo Williams, eating Laffy Taffy until I pass out in a giddy, hazy, sugary delirium.

My birthday wish for you, Joel: May you find a giant bag of your favorite confection and a VHS copy of your favorite movie, and spend your whole weekend on your living-room floor.

But, Joel, I’m slightly confused/concerned… You see, I thought you were Chinese, as you appear to be in R.W.:T.A.B., but when I looked up your fan club on the “Internet,” it turns out you’re whiter than country music. What gives, Joel? Also, I searched for some pics of your daughter, Jennifer Grey (my all-time favorite actress, and my fourth-favorite thing overall, behind Laffy Taffy, Remo, and “The Ketchup Song”). I barely recognized her! I thought some “Internet” hackers were digitally photomanipulating her face, (you know, like they often do with famous actresses’ faces and not-famous smut stars’ naked bodies, dripping wet and straddling a cello), but no—it turns out your daughter had a nose job! What’s going on here? Are the Greys on the lam? Are you guys hiding from mobsters or something?

I’m worried, Joel. Worried.

Happy 71!

Josh Abraham